Today would have been my 8th Wedding Anniversary. It seems like just yesterday and, also, a lifetime ago. I think of myself the way I was on my wedding day - full of love, full of hopes and dreams and promises. My fairytale was coming true.

I have been divorced for 4 years now after spending the better part of 3 years, through countless false recoveries, trying to save my marriage from my XH’s A, drinking and emotional issues. It has been a very long, emotionally devastating road but I now see it for what it was, what it is and what it never could have been or ever will be. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I believe that is true. I can see the reasons my XH and I should never have married in the first place. I can see the mistakes I made that contributed to the demise of my marriage. I can see where my XH’s A and drinking only brought about the inevitable. If the A didn’t end our marriage, it would have ended for a multitude of other reasons as time went on.

Today, 8 years later, I look at my XH and seem him for who and what he is. My XH is not a “bad” guy. He is misguided. He has a host of personal demons that are his to deal with, not mine. After returning to the US following the end of his A, he has proven to be a very good father to our son. I love him because he is the father of our son. But I also see that the dynamic between him and me both during our marriage and after were and are not healthy and that he is not a person with whom I could or want to spend the rest of my life. He is happily engaged to a woman I like and who treats our son as her own. I have my own opinions as to the healthiness and viability of that relationship not because of any negative feelings toward her but because of his dysfunctionality. Do I still miss my XH? No. What I find I still mourn, including today, is the death of my dream, that I didn’t have the fairytale ending I thought I would.

Which brings me to me….looking back at the last 8 years (more so in the last 6) I see how I have grown because of my experience. I have learned that I have an internal fortitude I never knew I had. I learned that I can make it on my own. Most importantly, I am learning to like myself, to respect myself and to demand that others respect me as well. I am navigating the dating world, again…sometimes well, sometimes not so well. It is not easy, but I know that, in time, I will find someone out there with who I can look forward to a future full of the love, hopes, dreams and promises I held on my wedding day….and if I don’t, I will be just fine on my own.

Yes, you will be fine, my good friend. You have built a good life for you and your son and I am proud of the strong, independent woman you are. My, how time flies!!

Brit\'s Brat,
What a wonderful post. I actually don't know how or why I looked at it but now I am so glad I did. From the first few sentences I knew it would be something a woman I know is going through now. Her marriage was shorter (3 years) and she just found out he has been having an A for the past 1 1/2 years. He is also a full blown Alcoholic and chronic liar. I can’t get her to come here. I wanted to know if you would mind if I sent her the body of your post? I will keep out the website name and your name. (That is if it isn’t against the rules.)

I was remiss in not thanking all of those here who helped me through my XH's A, my divorce, and my recovery....Mel, 2Long, Spacecase, Lisa in London, too many to name. Most are now gone, but I am grateful for all of them, especially Mel my lunch buddy (BTW got the book you suggested and am using it...its amazing how it works...but that's a whole other subject) and Lisa in London with whom I keep in very close contact (sometimes too close given our phone bills :o). I am also grateful for all of my new friends who I have made here since the end of my marriage who are so kind and supportive of me....

BB, I'd love to know how Lisa in London is doing. The other day I was looking at a faux-diamond ring on QVC, and it all came back to me how Lisa (I think it was her)found that even her engagement ring was a cheap fake. It seemed to sum up so much. Give her my best.

TA

Suamico, I would be honored if you share my post with your friend. I was, technically, married 4 years. My XH started his A when we were married a little over a year. Our son was two months old. I found out about his A just a few months before our 2 year anniversary. He moved back to his country of origin just before our three year anniversary, returned 6 months later and left 6 months after that, two days after our D was final. Through all that time, I mothered my son, maintained a full time job and maintained (okay, sometimes I didn't) my home. So, I am in very similar shoes as your friend. Knowing what I know now about my XH's behaviors and drinking, I should have filed for and completed the divorce process as soon as I discovered his A but, again, hindsight is 20/20.

Together Alone, Lisa is doing WONDERFUL! We have shared good as well as difficult times on both ends and have established a wonderful friendship that I wouldn't trade for the world!

BB,

What a wonderful post. You are now really ready to find the happiness you seek. Some guy is going to be very very happy he finds you.

Say Hi to Lisa in London for me. It has been a long time, but I hope she is doing well.

God Bless,

JL

Hi BB!!

Thanks for sharing! Nice to see ya'!

And....ahem *cough cough*.....ahem....lunch?

Charlotte

Here is the kicker, you said your x has a new fiancee and you like her but you aren't sure of the relationship. Does she know he had an A in your marriage? I ask this because my friend is your xh future wife. The second wife didn't warn her because she thought he had changed. He also cheated on her and went though a drunken phase. For a while when I first met him he did not drink like that. We didn't see him for over a year and I think that is when he started drinking heavy. If only the 2nd warned her. I told her if she is ever asked by the next mrs to be truthful.

Suamico, I don't know whether my XH's fiancee knows all of his history. He says he has told her but who knows if he has and how or if it was colored. I do know that until she met me, she thought I was a beotch. If she asks me, I will tell her but I do not feel it is my job to educate her unsolicited.

Hey Charlotte!!! Just say when! Maybe we can get Mel to join us!

That sounds like a winner!!

I guess we'd better go for it soon, once classes start who knows what my schedule might be?

Oh yeah, but you wanted to try for a weekend...that would be cool, too.

Maybe on a Saturday before my dance session starts...we could eat something with a LOT of garlic so I can blow my teacher away, ha ha!!

Charlotte

Brit,

Your note, while not having the ending you had prayed for, demonstrates the necessity that all BS's need some honest and serious introspection.

On your other topic, had I been told by WW's family or friends the facts of my Ex's hidden marriage and abortions, I would not have dated let alone married her.

Cy, I have been reading your story for years. That piece of information you just posted is the first time I have seen it. Now I understand what I did not understand before.

Larry