My Divorce will be final on Monday, I am hurt deeply at the lost of my marriage, I was very, very happy with my wife, in fact the happiest I have ever been in a long time, and because of her selfishness that has been taken away from me and I am angry over that.
She tells me that this is all my decision and that she wants the marriage to work, and that she has tried to make it work.
For me without trust there is nothing, she is unrepentant,without remorse and unapologetic, she feels that she has done nothing wrong and that its all in my head... funny at times I start to doubt myself too and think maybe if I go back and try again it will work.. I enjoyed the companionship, the sex, the warmth.. I was ready to compromise.. but that fear of being hurt so badly as I was when I found out was right there.

So I'm posting because I want to move on, it hurts right now realy bad, and I am feeling lonely...and I need some words other than my own right now please .....
What do I do, she says she wants to be friends, right now I cant stand the sight of her, her voice, anything , for what she has put me through and is ok with, it totally disrespects me.
Im angry as hell.. can anyonme relate, when you where in this stage what did you, how did you move on, how did you feel, how did you not want crawl up in a ball ... what helped, who helped, what hope...

What has helped me is to apply MB Plan B - not with the objective of recovering my M but for my own personal recovery. I've posted a lot about this because it really truly has been working. Basically, I stopped virtually all contact. I didn't write a letter or inform him of what I was doing - I just did it. I'm not completely dark in the sense that I do see him at baseball (we play in the same league) and there always seem to be straggling issues to settle from time to time, but I don't talk to him at the games and I keep any business to settle as a business-like matter. I don't ask how he's doing and I don't tell him anything about me.

I struggled with the whole friend issue for a while. When I first realized that he was definitely not coming back, I just wished somehow we could remain friends because after all, not only was he my H, he was also my best friend and I felt I was losing both. But as things progressed and I realized that he is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator and a thief, I started to question this. Ask yourself, if you were making a new friend, would they have these qualities? No - you wouldn't accept this in a friend - especially one that had done these things to you. So in the end, I don't think I can ever be friends with Wstbx. I can be civilized and polite but that doesn't make us friends.

If you plan B her in the same way, soon you will start to see her for exactly what she is and then you can make a clearer decision whether you want to maintain a friendship with her.

Welcome to the cesspool.

My wife also blamed me for everything to displace her own guilt.

I moved 250 miles away and started a new life.

I have to start completely from scratch with nothing, but my pet cockatoo.

I haven't spoken to my ex-wife since the day she dropped me off on the side of the road and I like it that way.

I am with Tabby on this one!!!

Plan B, not for the marriage but for you. You don't need the toxicity from this women right now, you need to heal and become whole again.

Yes it is ok to be angry, she mistreated you, she lied to you and she hurt you, this was the person that you loved and trusted and they did this to you!!!!

Did you love her when you married her? You bet you did, did you see your life together in your minds eye? yep you did! Did she destroy those things for you? Yes sir she did. Do you love the person that she is now? probably not, hold to the thought that you did love her at one time the way she was, not the way she is now!!!

X-spouses will re-vision your whole life together to make what they have done ok, it is a sick little game that they play to be ok with it all as they can't face up to what they have done!! BUT you know the truth and what the marriage and the love really was, and for that you are a better person.

As Tabby said the qualities that your xwife has now, would you want in a new friend?

My x and I are no near being friends, we tolerate each other and have dinner with the kids once or twice a year. That is the only contact we have.

With time all wounds do heal!!!!

Blessings to your day!

Dawn

You are all so right, I did love her immensly, and I had suh high hopes for my second marriag, so much so that I started to doubt my proof because I wanted to belive lie, sad but true.

I spoke with her Friday and she was still trying to convince me that I'm making a mistake by divorcing her, that I wont be happy without her and that I should reconsider, and that she is going through with this because I want to..I was furious and I told her that the reason was because she was having OM over house having s** with him and that she was disrespcting me, I was and am angry... with her... parts of me want to run and tell her that I love her and that we can make it work.
And the part of me that I am holding to tells me to stay the course and I will be OK in time.. and to go through the pain and live my life....

So Plan B it is then,

I know you are not talking to her, but if she brings up that line of BS again, tell her that her actions are delivering the message that she wants a divorce.

Her words are meaningless. Unless she stops any affair, says what she did was wrong, repents, and puts into place safeguards for the marriage to protect you against her behavior, her talk about you regretting the divorce and it being a mistake is just her emotional self-preservation and fog talk.

So if she really means that, then remind her that her actions are saying, Divorce ME!

We all know actions speak louder than words, and that's what hers are saying.

well, since you caught them on video tape that seems like a pretty stupid comment.

Plan B and get on with your life. NEVER speak to her again and life will get better!

You are all so right, and I'm committed to getting on with my life.
(It was majority audio after she discovered the web cam.)
Funny thing is her last encounter with OM was in Feb right before our vacation.

I left soon after, I understand from reading various post and talking with my theripest that I am in for a bumpy ride to recovery, I have some personal issues that lead me to pick these kinds of women, you know because she was attentive to me I was hooked, but my memory is very selective at best, so I kept the audio recordings, while we where seperated and reminded myself why this is happening.

I'm not willing to go for this I need to love myself more... she lies so perfectly though, beleives in her innocense so intently that it almost fooled me on many occasions.....

Well Monday is the day, and after that I will not need to have any contact with her at all, we have no children and no property to devide, nothing connecting us, bills and accounts have been either closed or transfered .. she will be dead to me..

Can anyone suggest any good books or forums or experience on how they dealt with the aftermath of feelings.... I dont want to do like an addict and keep going to the thing that is making me sick for relief...the source of my pain for the relief of my pain..Insanity

healingman2,

I recently picked up on the name of a book I'm going try. You might be interested in it. The name of the book is 'Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends' By Bruce, Alberti, Robert E Fisher. Haven't found it yet but the next time I'm in Dothan I'm going to Books-A-Million to see if they have it or can get it.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it's a living nightmare. I've been there. Cutting off all contact was the only thing that after several months helped me get my sanity back. And when my x showed up on my doorstep new year's eve night & started trying to worm his way back into my life it was like the nightmare started all over again. So if it is possible, please do stay completely away from her.

I wish the best for you and will put you on my prayer list. God bless you.

RMW

Hi All
Thanks for the kind words...
RM that book you where looking for you can find here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-list...mp;s=books&qid=1215375202&sr=8-2

They actually have 46 copies available at different stores
Today has been somewhat emotional, I just started crying in my breakfast, so I cleaned up my apt after I composed myself.

She called me, she said to check on me..
I asked her what she wanted and why she was calling me, and to not callme anymore, and when we go to court she is to sit in one side and i to another and that I have nothing to say to her.. she sounded somewhat confused by these actions, and I hung up.
After that I wanted to call her and tell her we can work it out.
Then I held my ground, took a deep breath and realized that this woman had been bringing a man into our home, and has not once apologized or begged forgiveness or acknowledged it.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do was not pick up that phone and swallow what is left of my self respect.
Just because I want to feel loved and accepted and near someone.
I can admit it... but I didnt call
And tomorow will be a very sad and hard day....

But we survive I guess...
God Bless...

It is incredible to hear how « clueless » of the damage the infidelity has caused the BS can be, your's here in particular.

I’m going thru a variation on the same theme. I can’t present a faire demand for settlement because she does not realise what she has done.

Tuff situation. But it will pass.

I second the vote for "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends". I ordered it from Chapters. It's great.

The latest is she walked out of the court room, she said that the Divorce is wrong, that it feels wrong and that we should not do it, she said that she was not going to go through with it and that if I wanted a Divorce that I should file it, I gace her an ultimatum in the court lobby, I told her to tell me the truth and maybe I might consider reconciliation.. she looked at me and told be bluntly that she did not have an affair on me.

I told her the same thing that I have been saying for the past 10 months that I know something happened, I recounted that I recorded his voice in my house, she said you dont have video.
"What" and she looked at me with this look of total sincerety.
She called my mother and spoke with her, and called her parents whom called me to tell me that they dont beleive in a Divorcing, the mother recited tales of her and her husbands infidelity to each other and how they held it together and managed to stay married.

I dont know, but since I moved out I have some peace of mind, not a lot , but some, I know that when I put my key in the door nothing has happened out of place that I didnt want to.

I dont have that with her, I always have it in my mind that she is not faithful, my mother tells me that anyone can have a change of heart, how is that possible without honesty... dont know am I the only one that cares about that ?
So the Dad tells me that this affair thing is all in my head, again I say "WHAT" then I start to doubt... but I know.. I know

I heard it, I know it, I felt it, I lived that hell for 10 months in that place, cried, begged, pleaded and she still brought the man into our house, so I have to file for the divorce this time...and she wants to make like everything is just fine, dont talk about it, lets just ignore the Elephant in the living room... cant do it, cant do it......
I'm so tired , cant get a good nights sleep to save my life..
Will try tonight

Have her take a Lie detector test. They are not that expensive. If she refuses then you will have no doubts.