Hi all,

My name is Luna and although my husband has not be unfaithful (I have checked), he is a workaholic who has been avoiding our relationship. He pours himself into his job and his friends and avoids us.

For background on me and my marriage, you can check out the posts below:

New and looking for advice on troubled marriage

Any experience with a workaholic

The Ultimatum

Here is my letter below...feel free to add/subtract/ask questions. Thanks, this is very important,
Luna


Dear Luna’s Husband,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that made you want to escape our marriage. I foolishly pursued my need for children without understanding my responsibility to meet your most needs. I was absorbed in my obsession with what went wrong with my body and felt the need to do anything to provide us with children. We are now both suffering for my mistakes. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past and create a new life for the both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you agree to commit to me once again as a loving husband.

I know that I pushed you away through my obsession with our future family. However, I feel that the way that reacted to my obsession was not healthy. Instead of talking to me, I felt you avoiding our home and the life that we built together and went outside of our marriage for comfort. You said a lot of things that hurt me deeply last year and because of this, I do not feel secure in our marriage.

Some subjects have become taboo in our marriage. For years we talked about building our home and our family together. For the past year, we have not been able to discuss our life together without you getting angry with me. I cannot survive in a marriage where I am not able to express my love for us and for our future. I cannot be neglected. I know that you have some doubts about having children and I encourage you discuss those doubts with me. Keeping your fears from me has not helped our relationship. You know that having children is very important to me, however, my love for you is more important and I just want to be included in your thought process so we can make this, any many other, decisions together.

If you wish to have children with me, I need you to know that I will not be selfish this time. I will do my part in meeting your needs. I will not force us to adhere to a “sex schedule” or not allow sex to be fun. I will not make you feel like a sperm bank. I will allow us to have fun and plan together a future together. I want us to have a fun sex life. Taking temperatures and saliva samples, reading books and the internet is not fun. I will not force nature. I will not plan any more appointments for a specialist. Although I am relieved to know my pain was caused from endometriosis, I am also saddened to think that this revelation almost cost me my marriage.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other's needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I also feel that you have become absorbed in other past-times to avoid a relationship with me. I know that you have a need for a life outside of “us” as do I. I do not want you to feel as if you cannot leave the house and do things outside of “us.” It would be too much pressure on both of us to be together 100% of the time. I don’t want us to smother each other. I want you to have time with your friends just like I enjoy seeing my friends and being active. But I feel that we must make our relationship a priority in order for it to survive. We must put each other first again.

I loved you before we married, the day we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are avoiding our marriage.



With All My Love,

-Luna

Basically, you're chewing him out under the guise of blaming yourself, and telling him what he must do to 'get' to have you as his wife. That'll go over like a lead balloon. Sorry, but it's the truth. I know, I've tried it.

Good point...I guess I shouldn't have wrote the letter when I was so angry at him.

Those are the letters you write and then tear up.

Hi CP,

Thanks again for your thoughts and your input. That letter felt GREAT to write but of course I never gave it to him. I've saved my version and your edit in my journal. My journal has been a great way along with MB to really organize my thoughts the last year or so. He just about pi**ed me off to the fullest extent before I woke up. I've started being much more assertive and have found ways to use the MB skills I have learned and not becoming a doormat. There's been some progress. I am knee deep in negotiation with DH right now and both of us are enthusiastic participants. We've even talked about the infertility/baby stuff. I will post an update after I get through negotiaion.

-Luna