Hey Hope,

It's late and I can't sleep, but I am here encouraging you along for the growth that is happening in you.

You are doing amazing and you are handlling things awesome. Congratulations.

{{{{HOPE}}}}

Thanks Queenie,you should be sleeping!!

Just hanging in there!

My friends hubbie id a retired lawyer and he said WH new lawyer works for a good divorce practice....we'll see I have God on my side!!!

Queenie be strong!!

Don't worry and hang in there. What will happen, will happen.

Most settlement agreements here in the US are done out of court - something like 97% of them. Usually the most desperate person loses. So batten down the hatches and hunker in.

I'm still expecting the affair to end. Too many problems and too much pressure.

Hang tough.

Well yesterday WH contacted my intermediary(sister),this is the FIRST time he has obeyed my PBL w.r.t contact!
He wanted her to speak to me again about loan as he has a bit more time to still do this venture.I wrote down what she has to email back to him.Basically,that I haven't change my mind about loan as it is not beneficial to me in any way.Also told him about DS15 's incident when he had a breakdown and to please NOT speak to the kids about this.

WH told my sis that "DS15 already wants to come live with him..."Like its me turning him away"Also that "DS18 spent the night out at a friend the other night"(that was when DS18 had words with me).WH has the attitude that I am causing this trauma in their lives,makes me sick!!

I'm dreading what the boys attitudes are going to be when they come back.WH even told my sis that he had discussed with the boys wether it was a good idea to phone my sister to ask her to speak to me!!!!! He's crazy...why doesn't OP take to him about what his doing to the kids...?

The only response to your intermediary is that it's in the hands of your lawyer. End of discussion.

He's got you engaged. He's threatening you with the ongoing abuse of your children. Step back. Be Still.

Your intermediary needs to convey that the discussion is over - your lawyer will look at his proposal when she gets back. If your sons respond to the manipulation, you need to respond that your attorney is taking care of you - that she's looking over the deal and you are not speaking of it any further.

Then take them down to the bank and have a loan officer talk with them about the lending process and how to qualify for loans - what is needed - good credit, good track record of making payments on time, a job, etc. Even if your husband had free access to the collateral, he would not gain access to it in this credit market due to his lack of a job to guarantee payments. Has he submitted a business plan to your lawyer or done anything a lender would require? Educate your sons.

Kayla is right.

And the OW doesn't speak to your husband about what he is doing to your boys because she doesn't care. If she did, she wouldn't be in an affair with a married man.

Well Kayla after I read your post yesterday ,the penny dropped and I realised WH had drawn me in AGAIN!!!.I phoned my intermediary and thank goodness she had not emailed my response...She said she would not reply to WH as she had told him she would relay his request to me and it would be up to me to respond if I wanted to.
I will not make contact with him...

Both boys are coming home on Sunday and I'm working tonight,tomorrow and Sunday so at least I'll have access to the net!!!

DS18 said he has been spending most of his time this last week with his friends as its school hols,so his spending the weekend with WH.

I have had a sense of peace these last 2 days which is great.Tomorrow night the Springboks are playing the All blacks (rugby)so thats going to be great fun to watch with friends!!

You need to do the broken record technique with your boys if they put pressure on you. Tell them you are letting your attorney handle the family finances. Then when they say, but dad NEEDS the money, you reply- Nonetheless, my attorney will be handling things. When they say that their future is at stake, answer that your attorney will be handling the finances. When they say they will lose their home, let them know that your attorney will be handling things. Don't argue, and be pleasant, and then suggest watching a movie, or something they enjoy.

Thanks Believer, with those responses it will keep me calm and unemotional...

Money is WH no.1 priority in life.....and I'm sure his stressing..I just pray that this will end the affair..
He has a lot of pride too..
Believer ,you said you give it 3 months...I hope you're right!!Although I would be VERY shocked if it ended that quickly..

I wouldn't be surprised at all if it ended within 3 months. For one thing, the time frame is about right. For another, he is living in a blended family. That is very stressful, believe me. Other people's kids get annoying after awhile. Things might be real peachy right now, but it won't last. Then there is the money thing......... And the loss of his job.

At some point, the affairees look at their lives together and unconsciously start expecting that the OP better be worth all of the sacrifices they had to make. Hubby has lost his family, his job, will be losing his money, his home, the respect of others, and will soon be losing his dream of starting a business with the OW.

At first, the affairees blame everthing on their spouse, but that will transfer to blaming their affair partner.

Actually, the fact that money is his number #1 need is good. No matter how you look at it, if he divorces, he will lose half of it.

I often wonder if he did come back,would it be for the right reasons...it could be for the loan to start the business...or cos he has lost everything and has come back with his tail between his legs......it will be difficult for me to know why....
I can't think about that now though....jumping the gun..

I do think that prior to him losing his job and the plan was for me and the boys to stay in the house.....it was a place for WH to come back to if he wanted to...his home would always be there....now I will buy a new home that will have no ties or memories of WH.Also I won't allow WH ever to step foot in my new home...he will never be a part of it...

WH will be alienated from my life....You know,when he comes to fetch or drop the kids he takes the post out of the letterbox!!!!Its NOT his home yet he still does this...

Now he will really be losing everything if the house goes..we have been in it all our married life......22yrs.Its his last tie to me in a way...

No sense stressing about possible reasons he will come back. We will deal with that when it happens. It really doesn't matter, but will give you a chance to work on the marriage.

Your job now is to stay out of things. Stay dark and let him look to the OW to meet all of his needs. Don't be a distraction in any way. And I would be careful what I told the boys as it will get back to hubby.

Can you get a private post office box that he will have no access to? In the states you can forward your mail to a new address. If you can do that, have all of YOUR mail forwarded to your new post office back. Another degree of darkness.

Believer,I have realised that they will tell WH things without realising the danger so I'm going to zip my lips!!

Princess it surprises me more than irritates me that he removes my mail....I think he does it sub-consciously.He has had his mail forwarded to OP's address long ago...

I haven't told anyone that I would consider taking WH back...I have never said I wouldn't either..people just assume that I won't.Everyone keeps telling me how much stronger I am and how well I'm looking...and they assume I'd never take WH back cos I'm stronger now and they think I'm "over him".
I feel like I'm deceiving my family and friends.I know its none of their business but I do feel awful about this sometimes.Only my boys know I'd take him back.
They would think I'm crazy to want him back..I do at times to!!!
Just a thought .....

The boys came home this afternoon.I saw WH standing outside by accident,I just thought he's looking old.I would have liked WH to have seen me cos I know I look 10 x better then I did!!!LOL
Let him see that I'm coping well without him..

I have missed the boys terribly this last week,especially DS15 who has been with his dad for 2 weeks.DS15 said I mustn't worry if his quiet cos his like that with WH...don't know what thats about..

WH stayed at home with them and OP's boys while OP went to work in her old car!!

The boys haven't said anything about WH so things are fine..no mention of loan...which was my biggest worry.DS15 is a bit reserved and its as if he has put a wall up..I'll just give him his space...A friend of his came round to the house and I could hear he was his old self....

Today I've been feeling like my marriage is over and things won't change.
I need to pep myself up.

DS15 and I had a fight this afternoon,over something stupid.I had made appointments for both boys to have haircuts tomorrow as they both need one.They go back to school next week and the teachers always check the kids after hols.Anyway,DS15 said his dad wouldn't make him have a haircut!Next minute he was packing his bags.
I was about to take DS18 and a friend to the mall and then take DS15 to a friend to spend the night.DS15 said he was going to phone his dad in the morning to come fetch him.I said if he goes his to think very carefully cos he can't keep doing this.I told him if he goes he is not to come back home.He is playing on the fact that he thinks he can do what he likes.He is cheeky and angry towards me and shouts at me all the time...nothing I say changes his attitude.
I truely believe he must stay with WH as I can't deal with him the way he is right now....He just came home yesterday from WH.He knows that by law cos his over 12 he can choose which parent he wants to live with...but I'm putting my foot down..he has done this too many times now.I think he got a fright when I said he can't come back...I really mean it ..
If he wants to come back his going to have to change his attitude.I hate WH for putting us through all this turmoil...
DS18 said he spoke to DS15 so we'll see if it helps.

Your son is a typical 15 year old. Let him stay with dad. Tell him you won't put up with his disrespect. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. But you need to stay strong.

When he realizes that you won't put up with his stuff, he'll be back.

Its 1pm here and I haven't heard from DS15.If he goes to WH he'll have to fetch his packed bags that are still here!!
I just don't have the strength to deal with his bad behaviour...
DS18 looks very handsome with his haircut,all ready for his prom on the 19th july.!

Its WH birthday on the 18th july(same as nelson mandela!)As I'm in plan B I won't acknowledge it.
WH has been out of a job for 1 month now..
I m currently on a weeks leave to be at home with the kids.It hasn't stopped raining for 3 days and its freezing cold.I 'm feeling a bit house bound too.Hopefuly rain will stop tomorrow and we can venture outdoors.This weather makes me depressed!!
I keep thinking WH is sitting at home with OP's kids and I'm sitting here with mine.Bizzare!!

Everyones feeling the pinch with the cost of living increasing all the time..no money to do any retail therapy!!!1
Petrols going up again here next week.I spend the equivalent of $200 a month just getting to work!!

I am trying to stay strong and not think about all the horrible things WH has done and said these last 18 months...its funny the stronger I get the more these memories are coming back to me ..I think at the time I blocked them out in my panic mode!!

DS15 just phoned me and APOLOGISED for his behaviour!!He asked if he could sleep over at his friend again tonight.I said ok.He will be coming home tomorrow.I said we must both try to be more understanding of the situation.He said he misses WH and when his with him its like things were before he left.
He said he still needs to think about where he wants to live though..

Well I fetched DS15 from his friends house and they are back at home watching dvds.He seems to be much better behaved...will see if it lasts..
I've been thinking of WH a lot while Ive been at home...maybe cos I'm not occupied with work....its not depressive thoughts just realising how sad this all is....
Now that OP has a job they will be seperated during the day...a first as they worked together before.Maybe WH will have more time to contemplate what his doing with his life.Hopefully OP will make a play for her new boss!!..now that WH isn't mr.moneybags anymore!!LOL