Sorry this is my 3rd attempt at finally posting in the right area....I think:(


I am a 33 year old woman with a 5 year old daughter and a 2 1/2 year old son. I have been married for 8 years, but have been together with my husband since I was 18. He was my first boyfriend and I was his first girlfriend as well. We dated for 5 1/2 years before getting married. I thought I knew everything about his family and him and decided he was the best thing for me.

We have been extremely happy for the past 15 years, albeit with our ups and downs that any married couple comes across during the years. However, last year (5/07 to be exact) I found out he had a personal email account that he hid from me and I confronted him about it. He said he was sorry and that he only used it because he had a problem. His problem was that he was going to massage parlors. He denied having sex with any of these women and said he only got a BJ and that he only went there about 10 times over almost a 2 year span.

Well I knew in my gut that there was more to the story but he kept assuring me that there was nothing more to it. We started going to therapy and soon stopped going, after we felt we could move on with our marriage.

I still had this gut feeling that there was more to the story and kept researching his email accounts, going through our bank statements, cell phone records, etc. He started getting real defensive and saying that I was stressing myself over nothing and that we could not work on rebuilding our marriage if I couldn't trust him. Finally after he realized I had ordered old cell phone records and had visited with an IT forensic specialist, he came clean. He had been visiting escorts since 2001 and his last visit was in May 2007, when I found his secret account. He used this account to set up visits with these escorts.

He even reviewed his services on this particular websites and I have read them in detail. Let me tell you, that is the hardest thing a woman can go through. Not just to make up your own ideas in your head but to have a play by play that was written by your husband on what he did with numerous women. They were date and time stamped so that I could go back and trace on my calender what I did that day. He visited them throughout both of my pregnancies and his dad's illness (cancer). How could he do this to me? I've done a general accounting of his spending and it amounts to around $55K based on his reviews on this particular site. For all I know, it could be more. Of course he denies this. He is going to SA meetings and is also seeing a therapist that specializes in Addiction. He wants to try and work things out and swears he loves me and didn't do it b/c I couldn't satisfy him sexually or am not attractive enough. He says it's because of his low self esteem growing up and never having a girlfriend and losing his virginity to an escort when he was 18.

I am sooo confused b/c my first thought is to run for the door as fast as I can. But the other part of me still loves him and do not want to tear up our childrens lives. I go between feeling sorry for him and hate seeing him moping around the house all sad, but at the same time I get disgusted and angry with him everytime I see a woman that he eyes, or hear any mention of an escort on tv, movies, etc.

Can I really stick by him after this betrayal of trust and has anyone on here gone through this? Any advice will be greatly appreciated as I am totally confused and about to lose it.

Thanks for listening.

BTW- I have a stable career and could financially be on my own- although it might take some lifestyle changes a bit. I am attractive and keep myself in shape, so I don't suffer from low self esteem too much. It's just heartbreaking to think I have to start all over again with someone new and also having 2 kids is difficult for any new relationship. Am I staying with him for the wrong reasons? I could stay with him and keep track of all the phone records, bank statements, credit card statements, etc. but I honestly don't think I have the time and energy to do this everyday, and it wouldn't be healthy or sane for me. He also has a high profile job that makes traveling a must, so I will always wonder what he's doing while he is away. He does seem truly remorseful and is definitely putting in his best trying to assure me that he will not do this again. We are living with his mom at the time b/c we are in the process of building our dream home which will be ready in September. His mother knows and a few of my co-workers know and I just don't know what to do. His mom offers me full support and does not even know where to begin to comprehend this as this is almost unheard of in their culture. Although it happens, it's just not as openly discussed.



Edited by Confused9206 (07/08/08 04:54 PM)
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Still married but contemplating divorce due to husbands infidelity with escorts
33 year old female with 2 kids, married for 8 years; total time with husband 15 years

confused,

This is a tough situation.

Your husband is a sexual addict, and has cheated for a very long time, nearly the whole time you two have been married.

He needs serious therapy, and it's good that he's getting into meetings for that.

I know there is a website for SA, but I'm not sure what it is. I'm sure one of the members here will be along to hook you up with it.

My own thoughts are that you might be best served to call and set up a session with the Harleys. They are professionals, and your situation looks like it needs that kind of intervention.

Welcome, and sorry you are here. It sounds like your hubby is a serial cheater. He may also be a sex addict. Unless he is willing to get counseling, chances for your marriage are very slim.

You can read on recoverynation about being married to a SA and they have a section for wives.

He is participating in unsafe sex, and that would be my first concern.

Confused:

He isn't Client #10 is he?

However.

You ask should you divorce or try and save it?

Your choice. Believer is right, he has cheated on you your entire relationship.

Is he a Sex Addict?

Probably not. He could just get away with it. He could do things, even rather ordinary SF with the escorts and then he could walk away.

No strings attached. (except for that $55K)

He has to carry the big load here.

But you need to read His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. You can buy them right from the website.

You need the info to prepare for the battles to come.

Your WH made a choice to do these things for YEARS. This in NOT something that STOPS tonight. No, he won't call the service TONIGHT, but he is planning, in his head, the next time he might be able to. And THAT is the behavior and attitude change that needs to occur before your M can get anywhere near satisfactory.

Sorry you have to be here. This is a tough case. The two options you have are NOT the only options. Those are the extreme ends, but the road to recovery, and or divorce, is still rocky and difficult.

LG

Confused--

I'm too new here to know how this will be received, but I wanted to offer you encouragement and hope as I see it.

Your husband made some really stupid choices -- really stupid.

He risked a lot to get a few thrills.

Have you both been screened for STDs?

Cheating is cheating regardless of the emotional attachment but since his cheating was with wh0res and "massage parlor" attendants there most likely isn't the emotional attachment that those involved in long term affairs with one other person have to battle. If he told you one of these prostitutes was his "soul mate" I'd advise you to run for the door.

He's got a problem, no doubt, but it might be easier to combat than having to deal with the presence of "another woman" in his life.

Since his sexual liaisons always involved money, you have some very practical tools to detect if the behavior returns.

He should be 100 percent accountable for his time and money.

You should be running regular credit checks to ensure he hasn't opened a credit card account in his name only to fund his "massages".

I don't think you have to do this "every day" but if he knows he'll be accountable then it might serve to keep him straight.

I can't speak to the sexual addiction aspect but I certainly think counseling is the right thing for him.

I understand the double edged sword of knowing the details. Some are necessary but they also revisit you with disgusting and hurtful visions and memories. I also feel for you with the mention of infidelity so rampant in our society. I, too, bristle with every mention of an affair or lover on TV or in the movies.

I wish you well.

Yes, we both have had extensive battery of tests for STD's and we're both completely clean.

That's what makes it that much harder to try and work things out, because I think of how he didn't think of my health in any of this.

I guess you're right in the sense that it's different from having to deal with another woman when it comes to an affair. It does soften the blow a bit I guess because there doesn't seem to be an emotional attachment to a single escort. He basically would pick anyone that was available at the time he needed to get his fix. The worst part is that I have seen these women. On his reviews, they have a link to that particular escorts website and it disgusts me to see them. Not because they are escorts but b/c he didn't even pick out some cute ones. They are ugly and have nothing to be desired as far as I'm concerned. I'm not trying to use this as a defense mechanism, but I feel that if they were at least beautiful with beautiful bodies, I could somewhat justify why he was going there. Also, the things he did sexually with them, were nothing out of the ordinary that we did in our sexual lives. I thought that's the reason why men go to see whores is b/c they do things their wives won't do at home. Our sex life was decent, not too much but definitely not too little. (those are his own words). So he didn't do it b/c he wasn't getting it at home. The things he did with them were normal things like kissing, going down on eachother, and missionary sex. There were some occassional things like rear entry, but that was a rarity. So it's hard for me to justify him going to see them, if these are the things he got at home. If anything, he says he did it b/c of the variety and because he knew he wouldn't get caught.

I still want to get to the bottom of what triggered him to do this. You don't just wake up one day and decide you're going to go see an escort. Like I mentioned earlier he lost his virginity to a hooker and since that incident he didn't return to see one for 10 years. The time he lost his virginity they had a shoot out at the location where he was and that scared the crap out of him, but obviously not enough to keep him from ever going there again. So I don't understand what triggered him to there after 10 years?? And he doesn't know either, he had started traveling with his job around that time and said that some of the guys he was traveling with would talk about visiting escorts, and he started researching these sites and then just did it. But there still has to be an underlying issue or a trigger that ultimately led him to do this.

Anyways, he met with his therapist last night and she suggested I come in to visit with her, so she can hear things from my point of view and not just go with his account of what transpired.

I guess we'll see what happens.

Thank you for all of your encouraging words.

this is fairly common
I don't know why, but it seems that most of the time, when you do finally see the woman your H was cheating with, she is not prettier, or skinnier, or bigger chested. theya re usually somewhat plain. You will see BS (betrayed spouses) make this same comment many, many times.

I am not sure what the reasoning is behind it, but I suspect that it has something to do with low self esteem. Perhaps the man feels like he is bigger, or has more control, if he "chooses" an affair partner that is "beneath" him (that sounds really harsh, sorry!) taht the A partner will feel like she is lucky to be with him somehow.

I am not sure what the reasoning is behind this, but at least know that this is very common.

I find it very encouraging that your H is going to the SA meetings, and he is going to counseling.

This is an addiction. Just like drugs or alchohol. Your H gets a physical high every time he gets togehter with these cheap women, with no strings attached. He wasn't looking to replace you, or find his soul mate. The high he gets from these one night stands is just like the high he would get from drugs or alchohol.

this is excellent advice!

Does it really matter? Does it really matter why someone has an affair? Not in the big scheme of things. What matters is that they CHOSE to betray their spouse... for whatever reason. Around here, we hear all kinds of excuses... ahem... reasons, and most of them are BS. What it boils down to is they did it because they could, and consequences be damned.

Whether you choose to recover is about you. In your shoes, I would have a very hard time even thinking about recovery. Knowing that he's cheated since practically the beginning and would STILL be cheating had you not busted him... would be it for me.

A one-time affair (or even two) is a far cry from a lifestyle of cheating.

Your marriage is young. You have young children. Even if you guys do get through this (and I believe it would take a miracle straight from God) you are going to be haunted by this for the rest of your life if you stay with this man. You will NEVER forget.

Recovery will be the hardest thing you've EVER done in your life.

Assuming he's a sex addict, this isn't about you or the amount of SF he did or didn't get. It's about him managing/escaping his emotions through sex.

Another resource is gentle path.com (I think.) Google patrick carnes. He's the person to read with sex addiction. THere's books for both of you. Out of the Shadows and Don't Call it Love are the two traditional ones. There's also a book called Shattered Hearts, for partners.

Besides recovery nation, there's also a Web site called no-porn, with messageboards for support. I'd also suggest you look into COSA, co-dependants of sex addicts.

My husband is a sex addict. I chose to stay with him because he made the choice of our marriage over acting out. He's also been sober for a nearly a year and a half, and working on his recovery for about 9 months. Now, my husband's addiction was limited to porn, which helped. I would not have stayed if he physically cheated.

Please understand that this WILL take a long time to work through (3-5 years of work on his end). Then you get to work on the marriage. Also, realize you need boundaries and quickly. You need to figure out what you will do if/when he slips or relapses. Understand that sobriety does not equal recovery. They are two separate things. You may not be able to achieve real intimacy with your husband. I'm talking the non-sexual kind. (And if you are saying, we have a great level of intimacy, then I'd be suspicious that he is an addict.)

It is good that your husband IS seeing an addictions therapist. However, it seems weird, to me that the therapist wants to get your point of view. I did meet with my husband's therapist a few times, but the meetings were not to get my interpretation of events. One meeting was a get to know you session, so I'd know what to expect. The other one was because I was not in good place.

I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

ETA: It does matter what his triggers are. In my case, I had to stop some of my behavior (the constant criticism, complaining, lack of respect for my husband) to help keep him sober. In short, if I didn't change my less than desirable behavior, there would have been a good shot that I would have been in hinderance to his recovery.