NO- I don't know why she revealed then, I asked her and she does not really know - only thinking it might ber a reason for things not being what they should be between us. I think there are some significant denial issues with her. I say this because she told me this news which she knew would be huge and explosive - but she says she is not sure why she did it. I think she knew what she did was wrong, that it was an issue, but she won't admit it to herself.

Yes, I believe I have read everything on this site - several times.

SNM:

There is much work to be done.

Your W has not revealed to you information that is important to you. She may be embarrassed to reveal it, But it WAS before you two got together. That, however, does NOT diminish your need for her honesty.

You a stuck, wondering WHEN the next revelations are going to come.

Another Abortion?
More Relationships?
Threesomes?
Random hookups?

We can certainly imagine MORE! And since she is less than forthcoming, and only when "cornered" does she reveal what the actual truth is, but not all of it.... You are left to wonder:

What next?

And it is up to her. Which leads me to one of you next questions:

"Why did she finally tell you?"

Because she was:

Cornered
Wanted to HURT you

or

Felt it was finally safe to do so.

If she felt cornered, that the M was in trouble so she better put it out there, and it was creating a rift in your marriage. The invisible (to you) 800 lb gorilla was in the room, and you would bump into it over the years, but you didn't know the dimensions or the contents. You know know the outline, and about 700 lbs of the story. Or, it could be that the gorilla is really 1200 lbs.

Wanted to hurt you:

Sometime in your marriage, you and her have talked about abortions and how you feel about those who had had, contemplated, considered, been through this experience. And your opinions colored HOW she would ever be able to tell you the truth. You may have felt that these conversations were relativly harmless, two people talking. But to HER, they meant everything. If you were negative in your general attitude during these discussions, HOW could she ever reveal it? Becasue she was ONE OF THEM. And finally, it was time to pull away that facade, with the desire to HURT YOU!. Think about it. Maybe you said, (or she might have heard it this way) that women who have abortions should be beaten. Well.... After hearing THAT, what better way to hurt you than to tell you that your MARRIED to one.

Felt it was finally safe to do so.

This could have been the final determinant of her telling you. Should could have felt cornered, and maybe not wanting to hurt you, but with your prior discussion in the back of her head, she couldn't just "say it" anytime. The reunion, and the meeting, finally opened that door. You sitting her down and plainly stating that there is a growing rift in your M, and to heal it, we have to address it, just made it MORE important.

Because it was causing a rift, a real big one, and understandably so. Its the invisable 800 lb gorilla. You bump it and intiamacy between you and W stops. And it was always going to stop, the problem is, that it starts to bleed over into other things and situations and before long, you two are staring at each other across the grand canyon and wondering how you got there.

Now, is the time to address it it with her. Think about ALL your conversatons, and ANYTHING that you may have said that adddressed abortions, and premarital sexual activity. And look at them thru these new lenses that you have and then tell her how you feel ABOUT HER. Your opinions of others, MAYNOT be the same as your opinion of her. And certainly, you can explain that you have reviewed many of your opinions in this area and have expanded/softened/hardened/adjusted your POV.

And then let her talk. And you listen. One thing we learn here at MB, is that you should never punish your spouse for telling you the truth. Lying? You can blow them up for that, but if you get the truth, than you can act accordingly.

The truth may have consequesnces as well. But we can then talk about just compenstation, boundaries and protection in the future for the same things happening again.

LG

LG,
thank you so much for the thoughtful insight.

we have had the talk about the past - and I think she has told me everything. That is, she has told me what she remembers. My problem is that I think her memory is flawed on these issues. Because she hid things and lied about things in this regard in the past - it is really hard to trust now. Actually, I don't.

Yet, she may have shared all now. Or at least all she remembers.

I do not believe she told me to hurt me. I believe she did it because, even though she had thought in the past that she did not need to tell me - she knew deep down that it might be the source of an issue with us.

We have talked about this. I can't seem however, to get past my feelings. I resent her and I don't want to. The memory of these things still ticks me severely. I know this keeps me from expressing the kind of love that I want to have for her.

I am pretty sure that this kind of situation will never have the opportunity to occur again. So there is no threat there. But what ticks me off is that she had hte chance to do someting that would have really meant a great deal to me - instead she did the opposite. (of course she says she does not remember my request) But I still think when she introduced me to him as "a guy she used to run around with some" - that was a huge slap in the face when in fact they had had sex and he had gotten her pregnant. I know at the time she could not say anything - but it should have been said before or after!

And, I have not even mentioned that after the introduction, that night in the hotel room, I reminded her of my request. She told me then that there was no one at the reunion that she had been intimate with. She did say, that with this one guy she had once kissed and he told her friend she was a bad kisser!

Oh well, shoot. I think somehow I just have to suck it up and let go - but for the life of me I don't know how to.

I'd say its too early to tell. What I mean is I sort of look at things in my M as either perpeutal problems or solveable problems. For the perpetual problems yeah, it sort of is "suck it up". But really the way I look at that is are the benefits I get from the M worth more than the hurts caused by those perpetual problems. If they are, than you can maturely accept it.

I'm sure you do this in other situations all the time. i.e. most people don't like everything about their job, but their paycheck makes it worthwhile to accept those things they don't like and keep the job.

If the other things in the M aren't enough to make it worthwhile to accept these perpetual problems, then usually the best advice is to move on.


Ok. Is your wife familiar with the info here. I ask because I think this gets into the solveable problems. The MB site has some pretty good tools for working through those things. Additionally, some of its principles can help mitigate some of the pain from the perpetual problems. Does she know this is a problem for your M and wants to try and fix it?

She wants to try and fix it - but she is not going to look for answers on this site. I brought her here before - but .... I think she needs someone to find the answers and show them to her. I really believe she has some focus, concentration issues. She does have ADD - but you better not try talking to her about it! That you see is attacking her.

I think she has some issues from the abortion that make her feel guilt and shame - severly impacting her self image- and so when I talk about anything that she does she thinks I am attacking her - she is devastated by it.

I wonder if perhaps i just want something that I cannot have. I did not want her to do to me what she did. She did. There is no way to un-do it. I want to be married to someone that would not do that to me, that would not! I can't change it.

I suspect that some of the issue is that I wanted to be married to someone who valued the same things that I value - I think I married someone that does not. I thought she did - but I was just wrong. I cannot change it.

For instance, I wanted her to really value the fact that she is the only woman I have ever been with sexually - I don't think she does. I can't make her value something she doesn't. That ticks me off - and some how I have to let go.

Hummmm.

sowhatnow,


I'm going to make a suggestion, but I'm really not sure I'm on the right track. If this doesn't ring true for you, please just disregard.

I think a big part of really accepting someone else's values, when they differ from your own, is really really understanding them. And it's so much harder to do than it is to say. What you value seems so obvious to you, that someone not valuing that is pretty hard to fathom. So would it be possible for you to spend some time trying to really get to know your wife's values without also judging them? To me, it would be a lot like finding some really useful lessons in a religion that isn't your own. You're not going to convert or anything. But you're open to finding valuable insights about that religion without judging it for not believing what you believe.

Does that make any sense at all?

Of course, all of it would be so much easier if you could also feel that SHE understood and accepted YOUR values. And I understand that she's not giving you that right now. I really do. I can only hope (but can't guarantee) that if you start showing understanding without judgment, she'll feel safe enough to look more closely at your side of things. Because I do think that's at the root of a lot of your wife's insensitivity. I think she's afraid to think about things too much, or talk about hard stuff. Not sure why she's afraid (afraid she won't be able to handle it? afraid she'll lose you? afraid you'll use what she reveals to you against her?), but I think fear plays a role in the behaviors you've described.

I didn't say that celebacy wasn't a great gift. And honestly don't know how things were with your situation. I just know mine, and I know I often took a better then though attitude as a defense mechanism, and all it did was push my wife away, when I should have been telling her how I felt and sharing with her. No one is better then the other.

swn,

I am really confused right now. Seriously thinking on this.

You see, I was raped as a child, and now I have a dilemma.


One of the people who raped me is a family member. I have never disclosed this fact to anyone in the family.

I was raped by others, as well. That part was dealt with. The family molestation I could never bring myself to disclose, and still cannot.

This occurred many years ago, and at this point my parents are elderly and sick. My rapist is also old, and he is not well. I don't see the purpose at this point of disclosure. No children are in danger now. My healing is over, and I have worked hard to get through the pain.

You bring forth a question that I wonder about - do I tell my husband who did this to me, so that he knows? He has never asked, although he does know generically that something happened. He has never pressed for details, and I have never been comfortable with disclosure.

Is this included in the "no secrets" rule? I don't think of this as "secrets", but as "survival". I also never named the other rapists. I never considered it necessary. To name them, gives them a face again. Right now, of the three, two have NO FACES. To name them, I fear the faces might return, I fear so much might return.

I'm not sure. I just could not do this. I would actually rather just divorce, if that meant I had to do "full disclosure", because in my mind this episode of my life was closed and healed long ago. To open it now would be to open those wounds and reinfect them.


Frankly, I don't think I could survive it.


I wonder, maybe, does your wife fear the same? Does she fear that talking about it all will bring that same ugliness back into her, alive and on fire again?

I've never had an abortion. I don't know the pain that she might have gone through at the time, nor the guilt and anxiety.

I think she probably does have lots of fear, though.


You've made me think about the secrets issue. I guess I need to think very hard on that, and talk to my H about it. See what he thinks about having to know the details.

SB

Hi Schoolbus,

sorry for the t/j but i was wondering if I could ask you a question sort of relating to this off list? I would value your opinion.

swn,

So here's a post to try to help on the resentment thing, since I posted on the topic of my own question and wasn't much help on the previous post - sorry!

I had plenty of resentment, and find myself resentful at times still regarding my FWH's affair. The one thing I think that works in my favor is that I immediately recognize it for what it is when I'm feeling that way. It helps to say, "That is resentment, SB, and that means that you need to look at things more clearly, look at the positive things, and be careful to address the issue realistically and not fatalistically."

I have a tendency to look at things at times with "all or nothing" statements, and not look at the FACTS of situations. I fall into the trap of "he NEVER does this" or "he ALWAYS does that", and I know that isn't true. I stop and ask myself if I'm doing that. It's often the case that I have been doing it, and when I examine the situation closely I can find positive things, evidence that more realistically balances what I was thinking, and stops me in my tracks.

Resentment also tends to tell me that I probably need to look for my anger. Often I find when I'm resentful it's tied directly to something I'm mad about. Usually it's a little thing, or that my FWH has not been meeting an EN of mine. If I track that down, I can also lift the veil of resentment a bit and move forward in my recovery process.

In your case, you've found out something about your wife's past. You've said that you would have accepted it, and that you would have married her anyway. I would tell you that the difference here is two things:

1. You found out after marrying her, instead of before. Because you said you would have married her anyway, this is a marginal issue. It would have been better, yes, to have known back then. Your own thoughts are that you would have married her anyway, so I somewhat believe that the timing issue is probably less of a factor of resentment than number 2.

2. You found out after being subjected to being the odd man out in a public forum where everyone else knew except YOU. This is the slap in the face that is really bothersome. It is this, more than not knowing prior to the marriage itself that gnaws at you, because you know everyone there at the gathering was "one up" on you. They shared something with your wife, outside of your knowledge and experience, that she neglected to share with you, and as a result you were placed in a position of embarrassment - and THEY ALL KNEW THAT.

As a result, you are feeling distrustful of her, because you don't know if another shoe will be dropping anytime in the future.

Or if this has happened before, and you just don't know about it.

And you are just flapping in the breeze, because she cannot appreciate the level of your pain and embarrassment over it.

Not only that, you feel left out of her life in this matter.

A not-so-small matter.



I can relate to being angry and resentful over this. So, you're wondering how to NOT feel this way?

I would say that the first step would be trying to see why she left you out of this loop, and working on opening that channel.

I think there needs to be a lot of work on making her feel very comfortable about talking about her past life, and for some reason I wonder about why she has a low comfort level with you on that. I know that I have spoken with my husband about my past to a great extent, but have not shared some details due to pain and psychological factors - this is something to consider, and maybe you want to talk with her about it.

Using the basic concepts of MB, 15 hours a week would go a long way to establishing the higher comfort level, and greater intimacy with her. Might help on that front.

As far as the resentment, I would think that the two of you need to talk about why this bothers you, makes you feel left out of her life, and excluded from her life.

She needs to understand that when you love someone, they want to know about, and be included in, the good and the bad things of your life - so they can support you in the bad/hard times, and rejoice with you in the good/joyous times. That this is an example of the "worse" part of "better or worse", and now is the time to join forces.

I tend to let my FWH know when I feel resentful, exactly why, and tell him what I need. He tends to respond by loving me through it.

SB

Once again - the concern shown on this board totally blows me away. I cannot believe that complete strangers have taken the time first to read and understand what is going on in my life - but then invested the time and thought in trying to help me. I cannot thank you enough. You all are totally amazing.

I am going to have to sit down and try to get a handle on all that has been said in the last few posts. Very good stuff. I have to run right now and cannot respond adequately.

Also, I am amazed - schoolbus - at your story! I feel for you and admire your strength. The short answer to your questions (that you are asking yourself) is that I think you only need to go there with your husband if you and he think it would help bring intimacy and healing to your marriage. I suspect he knows the nature of your scars - and for that reason he may understand already why you are not able to go there. Thus, he may not need to be taken any further into it than he already has been. However, if it has cause issues (and injured intimacy may be one of them) then it may be necessary to at least take a little peak behind the curtain.

However, it may also be (just a guess) that going there with him even only briefly and with limited detail - may just bring a great measure of healing to YOU. You have carried a great burden alone for a very long time. He likely does not need to know names and faces - but he could perhaps know enough to weep with you. You may well both be blessed by it, it may be you that benefits the most - just no longer being alone in your immense hurt.

I will respond more fully but for now I just thank you all sincerely.

By the way, my wife has not shared these things with me because when she had the abortion she swore that she would never tell anyone - I do believe that she is scarred emotionally from this. I also believe it has wounded her self esteem and sense of self worth incredibly. But she just won't go there to seek healing.

So, she shut me out at the reunion. In her mind I was not even a part of it - because i did not know - so she went there to try to make peace with the guy and his wife (who was also aware of the abortion). But it is precisely the fact that I did not exist that angers me. I want to matter to her.

So, my issue is that I had asked her to never do this to me. She did and did not even remember that I asked her not to do it.

Thanks

swn,

I understand your issue with your wife.

I am torn here. I know what she did and why she did it.

I guess I have to explain, and maybe if I do that you can gain a little perspective. It might not help you in your anger, but maybe help you understand what went on in her head. I have fantasized this about the rapes, but it cannot ever happen. I think of it as the "closure fantasy".

In my mind I plan that someday I meet up again with the rapists. I am so calm, and they are, too. We are able to talk about what happened. I'm able to say what I felt, how they affected my life, how I dreamed so many times of that event and the craziness, how it seemed so dark and cold. How their voices were slow and I couldn't understand them, how I couldn't feel anything yet I know it hurt. How I didn't remember anything right after, I don't know how I got home, and I don't know what happened to me right afterwards, that I only remember being in bed and crying, shaking, in the dark, alone, hours later. I tell them of the years of pain, guilt, shame, begging God to help me forget, to make me get over it, to make it go away. Of the years of self-deprecation and self-hate, drug and alcohol use, and low self-esteem, blended with anger and raging. And finally, somehow, of the beautiful experience and epiphany of my forgiving them and moving ahead in my life, a glorious gift I gave to myself - forgiveness - that belongs to them yet somehow I keep and treasure.

They talk to me, about their own pain and guilt. About their remorse, and their nightmares. About how their lives were changed that day and that they never knew the depths of their own depravity, that they scared themselves with their own acts. That day they turned themselves around, that act forced them to face the demons within and placed their feet on a path toward different things - better things - yet they never had the courage to find me to make amends. They both went on to make their lives a tribute to living right as a way to making amends, so that if this day ever did come, they could tell me they did right by me, so they could apologize with a clean heart.

And we healed.

Without resentment.


And nobody else had to ever know, because it was my fantasy, see?
It was all better, all healed, all magical.

Of course, this probably would never happen. My part, yes, it has happened, for real. Their part? Who knows. I've never seen them again.

Maybe your wife has had this fantasy - the closure fantasy. The guilt, shame, remorse, pain, etc., it drives a person. Makes us crazy, and we fantasize that somehow we can have a "healing". What you describe sounds like that's what she tried to do.



What really happened in my case was I finally reached the point where I understood that to hold on to my anger and resentment was killing my life. I had to let it go, and somehow in there I figured out that forgiveness was the only thing standing between me and letting it go. I had an epiphany day, truly I did. And that was the day of my redemption, my release from this. I forgave them, and it was the gift I gave myself. I gave myself my life back.

I don't know if this helps or not. Something to think about, anyway. Maybe this is what your wife was doing.

But she still should have told you, I agree. At least the generalities, if not the particulars.

Maybe you should take your advice to me? Talk to her about it.

And hey, thanks. I do plan to ask my H about it. See what he thinks. It USED to interfere with intimacy - but see, on 'freedom day', that changed, big time. That released a new me in all other departments, too. It was like a new person was born when I forgave those pitiful souls.

SB

((((((( SB)))))))

This may come out all wrong but I am going to say it anyway. I know exactly what you mean when you say the above statemnt. I am so happy for you that you had a D day whioh really allowed itself to be an another manner a "Freedom day " for you because it meant that it allowed you to be Okw ith you.
I know you think you buried ita nd it was not longer interfeing, but until its lifts and leaves your mind and body, its still stuck in you. So congratualions on your freedom. I am so happy for you.

Thanks for the toughts schoolbus.

My wife and I have talked, she has told me why she did it. She wanted closure, she wanted the guy and his wife to have some kind of closure and for him to know that she forgave him. This one of her primary reasons for going to the reunion.

She made a vow to herself before i ever came along that no one would ever know about the abortion. So, she never told me nor gave me any idea. She only told me somewhere along the way that there was something in her past that if i knew I would hate her. How about that? I did not know what it was.

So, in her mind she coud go to the reunion and make peace with everyone and because I did not know anyting about it - she literally gave no thought to me. I mean no thought. I had nothing to do with it in her mind.

So, that is the essence of what bothers me. I feel like she flipped me off behind my back with everyone else watching. She does not think she did - because I did not know anything about the situation.

Maybe part of the problem is the 20 years of wondering what it was that she would not tell me. Maybe that created something pretty powerful within me. And then when she dealt with the issue at the reunion, the fact that she did deal with it in the presence of others who knew (knew things about her that I was not allowed to know) - right in my face - it really, really ticks me off. REally.

Perhaps my issue now is partly that I cannot know that she understands my hurt, anger or feelings. REally I suspect that I want her to share my values on these things - but I don't believe she really understands and I'm pretty darn sure she does not have the same values.

Or maybe in the end - I don't have a clue why I harbor the resentment - and that is my problem.

swn,

Maybe more thoughts will help.


I was pretty sure it was the closure fantasy. Somehow, I knew it in my heart. I suppose having lived with such a darkness makes your wife and me kindred spirits.

I wonder now, if her closure worked for her. Somehow, I know it did, in that those who were involved in the disaster of the past have all had the same fantasy, and they all went to the reunion with the same thought. They, too, sought the closure.

You wonder why you were left out. You wonder why she didn't tell you.

I will speak from my own darkness, and maybe shed light for you from where I live, and where I have been. I think maybe I can say things to you that your wife will never be able to say, and maybe others who lived with what I have been through might never say, but they know this. I think anyone who has been through a great trauma and left it secret from someone close, understands this.

Those who never lived it would certainly question "why???", I can see that. I imagine that if one day my parents found out what happened to me, or my sisters/brother, well, then they would ask me the very same question. They would be hurt and angry with me, and wonder why I never told them. They would want to understand my decision to never disclose, why it took so long for me to let them know. They would demand an explanation, and I wonder if I would begin to be able to explain all that went into the decision. I could, but I don't believe they would ever understand, or overcome the anger and hurt.

They would have wanted to help me. I know that.

I will start with the explanation, and maybe you can understand me, and by making a giant leap, understand your wife.

What happened to me was a series of rapes and molestations by a family member. It occured from the time I was seven until I was about ten or eleven. (I won't talk about the other event.)

I had no ability to stop the person, and I did have constant contact with him. He was respected and loved by all the people in my family. He was about 6 years older than I was. He was a favorite of everyone; I, on the other hand, was not a favorite.

The abuse finally stopped when I was able to stand up to him and told him "NO" one night, and made him leave my room. I think I made too much noise, and it scared him. He never came back.

I used to pray that God would make me forget about it, but that didn't happen. I managed to shove it to the back burners in my teens, mostly by drinking way too much. I acted out, raged, and was generally a mess. I had depression, and in my later teens used drugs and alcohol. It wasn't until after I was married that I was able to work out the problem and had my "freedom day".

Why did I never tell anyone in my family?

I was very ashamed. Somehow in all the years, that shame was a blackness inside of me. Even though I managed to finally work it out, incest is a shame that people just don't get past once they find out about it. They look at you and judge you - even though I was very young, the family I was from would have judged me had I disclosed back then. And now, well, the majority of them are not socially mature enough to accept what happened, and would still make these same judgements of me. It would be a terrible risk, and I do not have the energy or strength to take that risk.

The idea is carried with you for awhile after such a trauma that people can actually see right inside of you. That even though nobody was there, that they can look inside your eyes, into your soul, and see that burning darkness, that "lostness", and that pain. That you have been laid bare before the world, and you are defenseless. Somehow, the only way to protect yourself is to wall up - tightly. I did that. The secret is walled up, and held close. That defense feels like an instinct.

I thought I was alone with what I had "done". While I bore NO fault (in your wife's case this is different, there is shared fault and responsibility), I carried blame and guilt. I was afraid of consequences. I was afraid of losing my family and friends.

I was protecting the abuser. As insane as this sounds, I was protecting the abuser. In my family, I was also subjected to physical abuse at the hands of my father. Had my father found out what was going on, he might have harmed the abuser. As I said, the abuser was a "favorite", and he was at risk for harm from my dad. I could not disclose, for fear that something terrible would happen. To this day, I do not know what might happen if this sexual abuse were to be made known, as my dad is not a stable individual in this regard.

The event became somewhat a part of who I was - it sort of was an "entity". I carried it like a weight, something I could not release. "IT" was always there, hanging around my neck. It haunted me. It almost consumed me. When I closed my eyes at night, it often was the last thing before I drifted to sleep. Many things triggered it. I didn't want to go home, because it meant I had to deal with "that".

I was always running from "IT".

Until I dealt with "IT", I could not free myself. I finally dealt with it when my oldest daughter was 3, which means it was 14 years after the last rape.

14 years later.

So 20 years - I don't see that as abnormal. I don't think your wife waited a long time. She might be average, for all I know.


The thought that she didn't include you, I know it hurt you. I can imagine that there are those in my life who would want to know who my rapist was.

I can't tell them. Can't or won't?

Both. My FWH said that it was my choice, because it is something that I live with. He said he knows the pain, and cannot come in here with me. He said he knows I'm past what I need to be past, and that the healing I have needed is done. That is what is important to him.

He understands that it isn't, and never was, about him.


And he has helped me heal. Over the years, when I fell back a bit, he caught me. He understood when I needed to just be held.

I think it is great of you to be there for her, despite your anger and resentment. I hope that knowing that I understand your anger helps.

I would also ask that you understand that you weren't a fool, and that the concept of being made a fool never crossed her mind. Because I can tell you, in the darkness, the only thing there is pain and the search for the antidote.

In the wake of her closure fantasy, she will probably begin to understand that she had someone there all along who would have, could have, helped her heal. She will regret not having told you, and not taking advantage of that kind soul sitting next to her all these years.

As far as my closure fantasy, it has changed a little. I don't want it anymore. I don't even need it anymore - because I have found that I can stand on my own, and forgive without the recipient of the forgiveness even knowing it happened.


And the way to find healing is to look at how broken the person is who hurt you, and to recognize just how much stronger you are than they are.

Because you are SO much stronger.

Once you realize just how broken the other person is, you can begin on your path to forgiveness. And that is the start of your own healing.

It worked for me. Once I realized the perpetrators of my rape were so broken and fallen, I recognized I was stronger and happier and more in touch with God. And I was able to set myself on the course of forgiveness. That, sowhatnow, was my "Freedom Day".

Schoolbus

Thank you Schoolbus

You're welcome, lildoggie.

Thank you all for an excellent thread. I too have been searching for healing and a way to deal with the resentment. This post has been very helpful to me.

AM

schoolbus, once again - great job!

I want you to know that my anger and resentment is not about her having an abortion - I harbor no anger there and am making no judgments about that.

My problem is that she lied about details of her past and made a buthole out of me in a way that could not have been planned to more effectively humiliate me and piss me off. And this, inspite of my asking her to never let this specific thing occur. And as I have already stated, she does not even remember me asking her to never let this thing happen. I had told her that if we were ever in the presence of guys from her past that she had been intimate with, I wanted to know it. I said this because we had opportunity for that to occur. She does not even Remember my asking that. Why the heck not!!! She just says she does not. I don't know what to believe now because I already know she will lie to cover up.

I know she hurt, I know I cannot begin to imagine the pain of that darkness.

But she chose to lie to me about her past - (including details not related to the abortion). And I know all those things in the past hurt her to share. But once again, the lies make me feel like a gullible fool that she could just pat on the head and tell whatever she wanted to, leaving me the idiot, to find my healing in her lies.

And I just keep wondering. I still wonder why she told me when she did. I suspect that deep down she knew it was something that had created a division with us or a lack of intimacy.

However, the day she told me, she did so as the result of my sharing with her that I did not think that she loved me the way that I wish she did.

Maybe that drives to the heart of this. I had not felt her love as I had desired - possibly because she just does not show it in the ways I desire. I want to be thought of and considered by her. She is just no good at either - and this whole story is an illustration of that. She had not thought of how this all impacted me. She had not thought of be and the situation. She had not thought about any of it except how it impacted her.

I suspect this is simply something that cannot be changed.