Too bad we couldn't meet under better circumstances This might be long because I just am having trouble sorting out my feelings.

Up until 2 -3 months ago I would have said my marriage was nearly perfect. I thought my husband and I communicated well and were usually on the same wavelength regarding most things. As always I'm sure there are little things we both have missed and now I realize after going through the MB info that I have not been his recreational companion or provided him with conversation that he needs. He insists that lately we've only talked about things that "had a goal" ie.. his new business or the kids. He also recently got a blackberry and ever since... woah. In the month of June, he had 6k text messages (back and forth).

We've been married going on 7 years. He is turning 30 this year. He's an EMT and works the overnight shift - 7pm to 7am. 3 days on, 2 off, 2 on, 3 off, 2 on, 2 off - 2 week cycle. The 3 days bit falls on fri-sat-sun.

We have 2 children together -boys, 5 and 2 yrs old. We finally got our own house 1 year ago, and before that we lived for 4 years with his mother.

After the first baby was born we did a lot of things together and went out as a family (not working a night job then) but after the 2 yr old was born, he stopped wanting to do anything as a family. Yes the 2 of us would get out together, but he didn't usually want to be bothered with taking out the 2 children.

Alright... recently (past 2 -3 months) he'd been really avoiding being home. He always liked going to a friends house to play video games/d&d/chill whatever about once a week but it started getting more and more and more. To do other things as well.. instead of coming straight home from work on a day off he'd go with a coworker to a shooting range or something.

So I could *feel* something was wrong. So it came down to it - he talked to me and told me that he was unhappy and had been for some time. That he doesn't want to be cooped up in the house, we've fallen into a rut, we're each doing our own thing in the evenings when he's home (like tv and computer) and he's developed new and different interests - kayaking, shooting, wall climbing....outdoor stuff. As shown above we were normally of the video-game, d&d geek variety tho we did do outdoor stuff at times. Said he loves me and is still "in love" with me but doesn't know what is wrong with him, but he wanted to figure things out. He said we should go to counselling and I agreed with that. He also said that separation might be something we should think about. I didn't want to go that far, straight off.

So we went about our weekend (he talked to me on friday night). My mother in law takes the boys on every other saturday afternoon, til Sunday afternoon, so after she was gone, we went to the movies. Came home, did some more talking and he confessed to having suicidal thoughts and just wanting to drive into a tree but still said he didn't want to lose me. Sunday he slept, and then went to a funeral viewing of a friend in the evening and stayed out til after midnight. Monday as he left for work he told me that he was going to go live at his dad's for now so we could work things out. He presented it as he'd be over as much as possible and his dad's was a place to go when things got rough at home.

Well, that was nearly 7 weeks ago. The first few days were ok, he came to visit the boys and we even managed to have sex. But after that, he stopped telling me he loves me when we talked. [side note: we actually say I love you in each conversation we have on the phone. It's a family thing- I have a 20 yr old daughter and in high school a friend said "your mom still says 'I love you'? Wish my mom did that". ] So to have him stop saying it was a big deal to me and just crushed my heart. I wasn't bugging him too much with phone or text, but I was under the belief that he still wanted to act as a loving couple.

He got distant, not contacting me much unless it had to do with the boys. So I pretty much did the same - not contacting him unless I had to... leaving him alone to think. I emailed him just a note about how hurt I was and what I believed but he never responded to it. He will talk about the boys or mundane topics, but never address the unspoken. When I ask if we can "talk" (only asked twice) .. well his last answer was lets wait for the therapist. The one time we did speak about issues he mentioned he doesn't think he'd be happy at home right now and again about his different interests and when I mentioned we could find family things.. canoeing etc, he said that he didn't see doing it as a family activity.

And finally he posted a blog on his myspace... explaining his state of affairs. I'm just... hurt, I guess, that he could share this with the world, but leave me in the dark. Here it is, I was hoping someone might be able to translate it


The texts - he says he texts a lot because he does not get good reception in his dad's house - are to/from several numbers and about 10 of those are consistent numbers. Two of them I think I know who they are... girls from work situations - one who had an affair with a guy at work, ended it, got married, marriage failed and is now trying to get back with the married guy (my husband says he is helping her deal with stuff and he's gone to the movies and the boardwalk with her, which he openly told me) and the other a young ER nurse. When I managed to intercept a text from the nurse when he was still at home, it said "oh you guys don't have the kids tonite - why don't you and your wife come out to [place]". He was always saying she wanted to meet me. I found out about her when going online to pay the cell bill and saw the tons of messages. He says she isn't his type and he's not interested in her that way. I have no idea about most the other numbers... many are new since he left. Some I recognize as our friends or male co-workers.

We've had 2 MC sessions and I made the mistake of trying to talk about the relationship outside the session - I was having trouble reconcilling his words with his actions (saying that he said he wanted to fix things, but he held himself very emotionally aloof from me). Now he says that "He wants to fix things, but knows in his heart they can't be fixed" and wants to continue MC with the intent to "responsibly end the marriage". I feel this is what he has wanted all along but didn't want to "hurt me". He says it isn't about him wanting to be single, but he sure seems to be enjoying it. And stupid stuff like the girls he "buys" on myspace, giving them outrageous captions like "MILF" or one girl that he put "Damn Sexy!" and then the next week "She takes my breath away!" - which he insists is an inside joke because he started a coughing fit while giving her a patient's info.

He is certain that we cannot change and says we've tried to change before to no avail - which is not strictly true. This is the worst we've been. Plus if he's only just now realizing what his feelings mean how could we have tried to improve them before? He's always said things like "it's nothing to do with you" when I've asked "why don't you want to spend time with us" etc. But currently even his friends have noticed his change in personality.

He's only just recently started taking the boys for long periods of time. In the first 6 weeks, he barely saw them and was constantly breaking his promises to visit them. He said it is because he feels uncomfortable being in our house.

After reading the info here ( I know I have HNHN somewhere.. packed) I do feel some hope and have determined to go into a Plan A, even tho I feel he isn't cheating. He insists he would not do that because he doesn't want to be like his dad, he hated his dad for doing that to his family.

THank you for listening (reading?)

I would bet 1000 dollars that your husband is involved with at least one other woman. The signs are classic.

I'm sorry you find yourself here.

Start reading, and hang on..the pros will help you with a plan of action.

Thank you, keepitreal. I'm looking forward to being able to try and put this all in perspective. It is very painful right now and what I've read so far is encouraging just in the fact that I'm not alone and not crazy for thinking my WH is acting strange.

Plan A will be hard. I'm a SAHM and I had to tell him today that there was not enough money for groceries. He has withdrawn plenty of money for himself - things have always been tight but worse with him moving out - gas, food costs.

He flipped out. He does have control issues - now he insists that my daughter (20 yr old, previous marriage) pay rent of $250/mo. Said I should "find stuff to sell". And that I should start looking for a job. He gets nasty when he's like this and talks AT me, not TO me.

He says he will come up with a way to get the money for the first week of daycare for the children. riiiight. Plus we have 2 vehicles, but one is just about done for - needs work to pass inspection by the end of the month and the alternator is apparently finished as well.

It also amuses me to think that he's upset because he won't be able to spend his money on his activities.

I think my original post might be too long!

But to clarify when I say he flipped out once money mentioned... he went from being friendly to just angry. He even peeled out of the driveway when leaving.

I'm sorry that you have to be here ADrift, but welcome. It does sound as if he is involved with at least one of these women. It was very strange reading his blog and some of the things that you posted...he sounds similar to my WH! The vets/experienced ones will give you great advice and they are so supportive. Good luck and I'll be reading to try to give what advice I can

Adrift:

I think your H is invovlved with somebody. Despite his protestations to the contrary. And the MORE he protests, the more he is probably involved.

Yes, he's 29. With a SAHM and 2 kids and a big mortgage.

He would rather spend time elsewhere, doing FUN things.

DUH.

Sounds like reality and responsibilty is a real bite on the tushy for him.

Read Silentlucidity's first thread. Many similarities there.

She was working, but I think that her WH just didn't know what responsibilty looked like, and ran away from it.

Because it IS more fun to hang with buddies and play games.

But, he has crossed over.

It's ok, IF he wants to end the M. YOu can deal with that. But his responsibilities will not stop at that point.

I wouldn't get a job until the D was final. Then his choices will be properly paid for until his children are of age.

Remember, he has told his Dad, that you two were: "Over" and now he can do what he wants. I. E. Date others. You may not have been apprised of this discussion, but if WH hasn't had it with Dad yet, he will be soon.

Sorry you have to be here. You need to do a phone number look up on all the people on your WH's blackberry list. Those will be your prime targets for his OW. Then youcan really start to fight this.

Please read up about Plan A. And Lovebusters. And Disrespectful Judgements.

And WHAT do you think his three top Emotional Needs are?

That's a place to start.

LG

Thank you Espirit and LG for your advice and encouragement. I will go look for that thread and read it.

WH will be 30 come December. Thing is that we used to do everything together... everything. He used to feel it was disrespectful for a man to go out without his wife for long periods of time. But then as I was caught up in caring for the children, that is what he started doing... replacing me as a recreational companion I suppose. It was only d&d at his friends house (at first), but he'd leave around 5-6 pm and stay out til 2-3 am.

I am pretty sure he has not had that talk with his Dad. My daughter works for my FIL and when he asked her how were things at home, she said "crappy" and told him the whole story. She said he seemed pretty disgusted with it all.

WH has said he has not talked with his father about our situation in much detail - in large part due to his father's own divorce. His parents split and got back together several times over the years and WH was affected negatively by it. Finally, after 30 years, they got a divorce - my FIL was caught with his OW and the divorce was extremely bitter. He married his OW 2 weeks after his D was final.

98% of the phone numbers that are in the call log are cell phone numbers and won't come back with a name.

Any more advice? I've read the information on the site and have found a lot to be helpful. I can see where in our marriage we have both gone wrong and I'm certain that we can correct it - if he could only see his way to be hopeful about our relationship. I'm just afraid that he is really enraptured by what he feels is his new freedom to do what he wants.

In his current state, he will only contact me to ask about the boys. We do have MC on Friday (where he wants to change the focus to "ending the M responsibly").

Meanwhile just trying to cope with the day to day.

HI Adrift,

Welcome to MB. It's an awesome place to be, given the circumstances. You have some amazing people giving you great advice.

This is perfect. Just deal with today and let the future take care of itself.

Mimi, one of my strongest mentors would pound into me to not pay attention to what WH did, but what his actions were. Your WH is an ADDICT in and active addiction. If not having a full on A, he certainly is dabbling in the excitment and rush of it all. And it feels good to him.

Hence, the NEED on his part to do WHATEVER it takes to KEEP GETTING THAT FEELING. The man you are dealing with isn't your H, but an imposter who has taking control of his body and mind.

The helpful part is he is no different than any other WH, but it still hurts and the pain you are experiencing is ALL REAL.

You are doing great. You are taking care of yourself, your children and seeking help on here, which is absolutely the best you will get.

Keep posting and working through what's going on in your life here. We understand, we really do. People in your real life may not and so their support will be to protect you.

I wish you luck in this journey. I know how hard and rocky it can be with all of who have helped you so far, you are in great hands.

He has not contacted us since Tues morn when he peeled out of the driveway. I am still really surprised that he doesn't even call the children considering how important he likes to say they are to him. Every time I mention that he's left "us" or use "us" in the situation, he gets agitated and tells me the boys have nothing to do with the problem. He had told me that I could text him and remind him to call the kids because he doesn't always remember in time. I don't feel I should do that as he seems to have plenty of time to text all the people he is texting. I want to be a good mother and encourage them to talk to their father, but I also want him to be responsible and think about his children.

Tomorrow is the next MC.

Also, thank you for the encouragement, QueeniesNewLife!

Adrift...
I'm so sad for you. I see a few similarities with my H and yours. It's not that he's afraid of responsibility, he was overwhelmed by it. H thought he 'deserved' a vacation from the grown up stuff that seemed to plague him. So, enter OW with tales of fun times with no responsibility and no $$ issues. She had her own job, no kids and her own house. Not that H could not see our children clearly, but he started to look past them. It took me a very long time to work through this with him and help him to see that even if he had left the responsibilities would still be here. When he had his 'do-over' family did he honestly think the new wife would not demand all the same things from him that I do --- time, consideration and conversation. The difference is about 10 years from your H to mine. So, I can chalk a little up to age. But, your H seems too young to be struggling with being a grown up. But, if someone else is feeding him thoughts into his head of a 'better world' playing all the time and not parenting, he's nuts to listen. But, if caught in the trap of the fog, he's almost powerless.
My suggestion before anything is for you to get a professional plan secured for your kids. He absolutely must provide for you and the kids...this is NOT a joke. Yes, he's being immature and obviously is not taking his job as a husband and dad very seriously right now, but he does not get to take this vacation!!! You have to speak to a lawyer and see to it that if he's out of the house your children have food on the table and $$ in the bank. Do you have copies of the bank statements? You will be able to see a pattern of expenses. It's inconceivable that he goes out and spends $$ on playtime while your boys are not provided for. This has to be step one! Then, the rest of the work will be directed at rebuilding you. Have you considered depression? His blog posting is unnerving. Almost like a 'good-bye' letter.
I'll pray for you and check back in later.

((((Adrift))))) So sorry you are here and going through this...

This post triggered me...as pre-A, my H was a very good attentive father who w/n weeks was transformed into a man who didn't seem to much care about his children anymore. That aspect of his behaviour hurt me more than anything else did during the whole mess of his MLC and EAs.

Please, please know that this is fog and not your H. Have you seen the reference to wayward behavior being compared to that of an addict? There is a thread around here somewhere that I can dig up for if you'd like. For me, that perspective helped me to understand my H's foggy behavior...

You are getting advice from some really great folks. Keep posting and reading up here. Hang in there!

Sometimes I feel in a fog myself.. so much pain and confusion with all this. The things he says to rationalize what is going on make no sense. Suddenly the state of my housekeeping became an issue - when I said it never bothered you before, he said it's always mattered. ??? Just stuff I guess everyone has heard before when they are like this.

Anyways, he said he has closed the door on trying to save the marriage because he knows things might get better for a time (maybe even a year or 3) but will just go back to the way things were. This was at the counseling. He just wants to move on. He no longer wears his wedding ring so apparently considers himself 'single'. I realize I am probably in the denial stage of this process. I was so sure he was telling me the truth, though. That he wanted to fix things and that he was not thinking about divorce.

I would have to guess he is not involved in an affair already, because I found a profile he has on a singles site this morning. That hurts alot, finding that. And his pic is one of him with our DS when he was still a baby. I'm guessing it might be where some of the new numbers in the phone log are coming from.

I am tempted to send the profile link to his mother. Should I? Granted she is already on my side.. and she honestly is... because she compares the situation to her divorce (very bitter) and is upset because her son was so determined to not be like his father (cheating) but is turning out just like his father - maybe not in the cheating sense, but up and leaving the family.

Oh and on his singles profile he lists the ages he's looking for as 18-31 (I am 40). My DD is 20 and he's been helping raise her the last 8 years.

So what do you do if he's not "cheating" but seems to be in a similar fog? He changed his staus on his myspace to "divorced" and that he's looking for "dating and friends". We're not divorced yet and no lawyers have been contacted. He won't even discuss a structure to this separation - takes our sons when the mood strikes him (not very often). It's been 3 weeks since he has seen them - he'd rather go to his friend's hangout.

He is in a very selfish state right now and acting very out of character. I think like some else replied here that he could not deal with the responsibilities - was not happy being "the married guy" around the 20-somethings.

Is there even any hope here?

I wish I knew what to tell you

Im sorry you are going thru this.

Are you sure he doesnt have someone on the side already? Does he want to be M or not?

Is he still providing financially for you and the children, and keeping up with the bills? I'm trying to think of things that would help him see consequences for his actions.

And yes, I still think he is cheating on you. You are NOT divorced, so looking for dates is in itself cheating.

Thank you a_pretty_face.

He has said he wants to end it - get a divorce. I'm pretty sure there is no one person in particular he is seeing... his phone calls and text are going out to many different numbers. Obviously he is trying to date and that sort of thing.

I just have no idea how to deal with all this. I can't help but think that at some point he's going to snap out of it and be like, wtf am I thinking? But I guess that nearly everyone going through this thinks their WS might wake up and come back. I'm sure the statistics are not in my favor.

Hes not wanting to even TRY and work it out? You posted earlyer that your son is the most important thing to him. Doesnt he think that atleast trying to work on the M is a good benefit for the child?

At one point he found something in you enough to marry you and same for you to say "I do". You mentioned that RC was a EN of his? Have you tried to go and do some of the things you two used to do. If you can try to and not even talk about the M just get to know each other all over again.

Hi Keepitreal!

His pay is still direct deposit into our still-joint checking.. so I take care of getting the bills paid, taking out what I need for groceries.

It's like he said he wants a divorce, so he's considering himself free to do as he likes, but he still isn't facing anything.

I guess my most difficult issue since he moved out is that he never said he wanted it to be a "separation". He promised he'd be over a lot and that we'd start dating each other, start working on the marriage, etc. He played that game for about a week, then what I call an "iron curtain" descended over his emotions. He withdrew, really, but still told me that he wanted to fix the marriage... so I continued to hold on to hope. Then after 2 counseling sessions... he wanted to end the marriage.

I have improved myself... lost 30 pounds, changed eating habits, keeping house better.. have got quite a bit accomplished.