Hello, my original post from a few weeks ago can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=151216&Number=2074845#Post2074845


Since this post, I have been continuing to try and focus on making my marriage better - with no willingness on my wifes part. All she has talked about is separation, while all I speak about is confronting our issues and making a plan to commit to fixing them (including counsiling, but she won't come).

All along, I've had the supcision of the affair from the advice in my original post above. So, I've been somewhat spying. Last night it happened, I caught her at his place while she lied and told me she was going shopping. I waited for her to come out, and took her home to talk.

She was very mad that I found out, like I was to blame. I was very calm and nice about things. I told her that I suspected this all along, and to be honest am somewhat relieved that I found it. I told her that I now know that even though all her previous reasons for wanting to separate so bad were likely somewhat valid, that this is the true reason she is feeling this way. She disagreed.

I offered up my version of Plan A. No contact, come back to me and let's work on our marriage and get help now that we can have a conversation that is honest. She is ok with no contact, but is set on separating immediatly.

I've exposed to a few close family members last night, but here is where my situation gets sticky. Wife, OM and I all work for the same employeer. Wife is OM's boss! When she was not willing to listen to my version of Plan A above, I told her that I would have to expose to everyone. Told her I was hesitant to do so because I did not want her to loose her job (possible violation of company policy...). And the end of the day, I can't have a wife that is separating from me and loose half the household income. We have 2 wonderful small children to support.

After I threatened exposure, she decided to immediatly tell her boss this morning and ask that either her or OM get's moved to another dept. within the company. Sounds like her boss is going to move OM.

My question - what next? Expose to everyone? I am sooooo willing to look past this and make things right in our relationship, but she is absolutly not. What do I do? If I do nothing, she separates from me. If I expose, the separation is going to continue regardless. We have all the same friends and co-workers in our life...

Please help me. I am so confused. Thanks.s

Then she is not ok with no contact. She wants to separate to continue contact.

Your WW and OM are simply going to rearrange the pieces on the game board. This adultery is far from over.

Either your WW or the OM must leave that company. “Another department”, unless it is in the Sudan, will not work.

Is OM married? If so that exposure bomb must fall today. Don’t threaten exposure, do it.


If the adultery continues you will live all of this and much more via divorce.


Protecting them is your first priority.

I'm going through a similar situation myself (although WH and OW do not work together). I exposed to OW's H over the weekend and when WH and OW found out the _____ hit the fan! WH is set on moving out and getting a divorce...he has already started both processes.

I'm still learning the MB principle so I hope some of the vets come along to offer assistance to you. All I can say is that if you want to save your marriage then fight for it.

If she does this, she must be the one to leave. You stay in the house and you keep the kids.

If she does leave you must get legal protection immediately. Get some legal consult today. Do this today!

Does she have her parents? Did you expose to them. Today, you must expose to everyone in WW's life that will support you and the marriage. One big blast of exposure.

Yep, she will get pissed. She will say, "Well I was about to agree to fix the marriage but you ruined that forever. Blah, blah snivel, snivel."

She chose this. There are consequences to the choice to commit adultery.


If this is true the choice to expose to all is an easy one. What do you have to lose?

WW says that she OM is not the issue, and if it's not him it will eventually be someone else. She says she does not have what she needs, and even without OM she will continue to leave. Part of her leaving is that she "wants to fall in love again, and knows that there are other things out there to make her happier than she is".

OM is not married, but has an on-again off-again long-term relationship with someone. I'll try to find out more about that.

Part of her vision of separation involves selling our home that we live in. Neither one of us can afford it alone, and have money to set up her in another place. She wants half of what is hers, and wants it now. As I understand in Canada, she is entitled to this - I can't see how I can stay in the home. She is also set on splitting the children's time with us 50/50. We are both fantastic parents, and for the most part very responsible.

Wife has already agreed to look for a new job at another company. This could take some time I'm sure, and we can't afford to have her leave employment now.

Thanks.

EXACTLY! That was my thought also which is why I decided to expose. Exposure may make things temporarily worse because of the anger of the WS but it can't hurt the situation anymore than the A has!

You should never THREATEN exposure, just do it, otherwise the WS will attempt to spin things their way... just as your wife has done. As long as he is still with the company, there is contact. I would still expose to her company-- HR with a cc to her superiors, letting them know that your wife is engaged in an adulterous affair, possibly using company time, etc., and what do they intend to do about it.

Expose to others as others have suggested. Do it all at once.

She will be FURIOUS that you exposed. Your marriage can survive her fury, but it CANNOT survive an ongoing affair.

And with her being her affair partner's superior, your position is even better with the company. She is exposing the company to potential liability of a sexual harassment suit.

Standard wayward scripted tripe! Ignore it.

The OP is never the issue to waywards.

If she leaves where will she go?


Waywards are not fantastic parents.


Have you read Surviving an Affair yet? If not get a copy today.

Do you understand the basic concepts of Plan A, Emotional Needs, and Love Busters?

Strongly consider getting a session with the Harleys soon. They can help you make a strong plan.

Why would she be willing to change jobs but unwilling to work on the marriage? She sounds conflicted and perhaps much of her separation talk is wayward bravado crap. They spew a lot of that.


Tell her you will fight her to the gates of He!! before you let this happen. You don't have to Love Bust, but let her know if this is what she wants she is in for the fight of her life.

Oh, and this is a PA now. It has been going on too long and they have had too much opportunity. You did not mention it, but I am sure she told you that they were just having tea and scones while in his house.

You should get tested for STD's.

Adultery sucks.

Scope,

Sorry this is happening to you. First thing you do is quit talking to her about YOUR plans. You do what you have to do, but you do not tell her ahead of time. This includes discussing plan A, plan B, disclosure, or anything. Right now the woman standing before you is NOT your W, she is the enemy. Your goal is to get this affair to end, it is to make deposits in her love bank, it is to protect yourself and your children.

She is in what is referred to as "the fog". She will not make sense, she will not make rational decisions, and she will not react with rational behavior. She is like a corned animal.

Others here refer to the process you see as "alien abduction". Your W has been beamed up to the Mothership, and replaced with this alien. An angry alien at that.

Get legal counsel, and find out what the laws really are in Canada. Protect your assets. Slow down any major decisions including selling the house. Give this time to settle down, while working with your family, her family, and close friends to see if they can talk some sense into her.

This will get much worse before it gets better, so strap yourself in for the roller coaster ride of your life.

God Bless,

JL

Basically what has happened to your wife is PEA poisoning. This means an infatuation that clouds her mind. She is confusing this with real love, one of the most damaging ideas women have until they grow up and learn better. I guarantee that the PEA will dissipate in time and she will be left with egg on her face.

Harley's guidelines work if you will follow them. Your first step is to learn everything you can, then walk the walk. And never, ever telegraph your moves. You can get your wife back if you want her (kids need a whole family) but right now she is wearing an alien suit and she is NOT a great parent, period. Great parents don't do infidelity, break up marriages and have affairs on company time.

Everything she has said and done to this point is from the "Affair" script and is dirt common. As you read through this forum, you will find the same words and deeds over and over and over, to the point of throwing up.

Larry

Scope you can tell if your wife is lying because her lips will move.

seriously, active wayward spouses lie about absolutely everything. DO not depend on a single word she says. Build a world of your own reality and truth that does not rely on anything she says.

She is temporarily not the wife you knew - she is the worst threat your children have ever known to their present and future happiness.

Protect your finances RIGHT NOW, and never ever move out of the house.

DO not tell her any of your plans. Just tell her " I will do what I think is right for my marriage and my family"

Your instinct is not your friend here scope. Read up MB concept son this site and buy and digest "surviving an affair".

Be a knight not a serf. You're all your kids have now. Get their Mom back for them, sane. Be brave, use MB. It works.

All blessings

Thank you all so much. I've begun exposure today at work, it actually feels great. I should mention, that the A is mostly an Emotional one from what I can get to. She's admitted to physical, but no sex (ie. kissing etc...). Not that WW should be believed at this point, but I do believe her on that. She has no reason to not tell me that? Does anyone think it changes the exposure tactic?

Thanks

Repeat after me.

Waywards LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE.

Get legal representation; do not leave the home and do not let the children leave.

On D-day my WEXW admitted to an EA also with a co-worker who was once my friend. She told me she had feelings for him and he was her confidant. But they had not gone any further because that would be wrong. Oh goodness, how could I think that of her?

I came here and everyone said “She is a lying Wayward.”

The day after exposure she admitted it was a full blown, fluid swapping, unprotected sweat and grope fest.

Waywards lie. They lie a lot. They lie about everything.


You caught her red-handed coming out of another man's house. She had to admit to something. She told you the minimum she thought she could get away with and what you wanted to believe. About the rest: She lied.

About this, how should I go about finding out the missing pieces? Should I even bother? She is so set on ending our marriage as well as her affair, me not believing her makes things worse for me?

If you need solid proof of her ONGOING affair, one of the best tools is hiring a private investigator.

Do not look to your WW to be honest with you right now. Most waywards are SET on ending the marriage, because they are drugged up, high on the kick from the affair, the FEELINGS flailing about. It's not REALITY.

Your job in plan A is to begin to inject some reality in, thru exposure, thru protecting yourself and your kids, and thru working on a good plan A; filling whatever needs you can, and working on yourself--fixing those things that she has commented on as being lacking or poor. Examine yourself, what you know needs work, and begin changing.

Yes, if you want to restore your M, then you need to find the missing pieces....

You believing her is big, because WHEN (and it WILL happen...) the truth does come out, you will feel like a big fool. Well, actually you will anyway, but you will feel like a bigger fool.

My WS told me his was only a EA only too. Only emails, she was a divorced 24yr old, 2 kids, met her on a business trip, she lived in Neb., never physical, never talked on the phone. And I BELIEVED him. Bought the whole package....

Truth.....

She was a MARRIED, 42yr old, with 3 kids, lives in FL., did business iwth her, and it was very much a PA......

He lied so he could keep the A going, which it did for another 4months till I "caught" them together, found out ALL THE INFO on her I needed, went into Plan B...and now we are in month 2 of NC and Recovery.....

But none of this would have happened unless I uncovered the truth and exposed myself. And it took the good folks around here to push, pull, smack me into finding the courage to do that.......

not2fun

Not believing her is opening your eyes to reality. All WS's lie.
And chrisner is right, she is only telling you what she believes, in her best judgement of you, what you will accept.

I did the same with my WW until I came home from my dr's office with an STD. You should undergo testing immediately!!

Do you really think she went shopping for 3 hours, just so she could NOT have sex with OM???

All Blessings,
Jerry