So here's the story - and of course it's a long one.

Married 13 years next Tuesday, two children 9 and 4. Three weeks ago, my wife told me that she was "done" after we just relocated to VA. She said she'd had enough of being around me, didn't like my criticism and wasn't happy. She said she'd rather be broke and living out of a room someplace than in her current situation.

Now some background - 8 years ago my wife went to a Happy Hour and didn't come home until 5:30am. She stayed the night in a hotel room with a guy from work and to this day, she says all they did was kiss. Unfortunately, I tend to believe her because she is adamant to this day about nothing happening, when typically she would buckle and spill the truth.

One year before that incident, I found out she went out dancing with a friend and ended up kissing a guy on the dance floor and going back to his apartment with her friend. They messed around until she realized it was going too far and she stopped and demanded to be brought home. I didn't find out about this until 6 months after the "hotel" incident.

During our marriage, my wife has been a habitual liar. She will lie about small things and big things. Her reasoning is that she can't talk to me and I won't listen and therefore it's easier to take her chances with dishonesty. I know this is a crock - there's not an excuse.

My wife has hit me in the arm, and pinched me so hard I bruised. I know, domestic violence. I didn't call the police and I should have.

My wife is 3.5 years younger than I am and she intimidates the [censored] out of me. She does not talk civily, she yells and calls names. She says it's the only way she can get me to listen (which is far from the truth as I try and get her to talk instead of yell).

She says she can't live like she is anymore because she is always questioned about where she is, who she's with, etc. I've explained to her that I have very little trust in her and when I try to heal and forgive, something else happens.

When we moved to VA I came 6 weeks before my family. While I was gone, she text-messaged an associate of ours for 3 hours until 3 in the morning. When I found the cell records, she denied anything saying they were chatting about the relocation. When I bluffed her and told her I could get text transcripts, she then told me they were talking about swapping with our spouses. She also said that she took a topless photo of herself and sent it to him - it was her decision.

My wife has changed so much since we were first married. We were both young and had the best intentions. I am successful in my career field and she has been a stay at home mom for the better part of eight years - I think that has eaten at her.

Fast forward to present. She has not worn her wedding ring for three weeks and it really hurts. I have not slept next to her for three weeks and we've only hugged a couple of times. After she told me three weeks ago, I had a panic attack and had to get on medication and get into therapy. I'm glad I did as it's really helped for me to realize I've been living with a physical and emotional abuser. My wife and her mother think I'm the verbal abuser, but I don't raise my voice or call names unless I'm backed into a corner.

Everyone is telling me that I'm a fool for letting her stay with me in the house with our kids, let alone stay married this long. I have called an attorney and am confident I will get full-custody should it come to it - we have agreed that when it comes to our children we want to be amicable and civil and not use them as pawns.

I am torn because this is the only person I have known for 16 years. I met her in church and we used to have a solid foundation for our relationship but we have both changed. For some reason I just can't let go of this girl and I don't want to. I know rationally it's the right thing to do but I just can't seem to gather the courage to ask her to leave (which she said she'd do as she knows she broke my heart and it's too painful). At the moment we are living together in my house and living somewhat separate lives. She thinks she's staying as long as she wants or until she has enough money to leave and get place on her own. She will crash financially as I pay 98% of the bills and she only works part-time and doesn't make very much. I will not pay her credit cards but have told her I will continue to pay the vehicle insurance for the car she drives.

Why can I not let go? I'm really afraid to face the future as a single dad and I don't want to start this process all over again. She is all I've known and I don't know how to adjust to anything else.

Thanks in advance for your comments, advice and support. This is truly devastating to me and I am just lost.

she is lying.


Okay, so far the core is physical and emotional abuse in addition to being a serial cheater.



She's full of it. She can't live like this anymore because she wants freedom to f-around.


When "everyone" sees things one way and you another, I would suggest it is time to re-evaluate your position.

Get the attorney hired and ready to file custody paperwork. Your #1 job here is to protect these children from their "mother."


It's called fear and co-dependence. Your life will improve dramatically if you get her out of your house and go to a VERY dark plan B.


The consequences of her actions should rest FULLY on her and her alone.

Get with your attorney and find out your options here.

I am a single dad...I was in the same situation as you...if not worse. Once I removed her from my life, it improved exponentially!

Do this for you and for your kids. And NEVER let her suck you back in again. NEVER.

Wow, thanks for the reply. Yes, when I think rationally and logically I do know what I have to do.

I believe you're correct; fear and co-dependence. I just don't want my family busted up and I want to believe she's really not like this but I'm proved wrong every time.

Yes, everyone says to make the hard decision and take care of myself and the children as she is only thinking of her best interest.

Thanks again, it is appreciated and encouraging.

v/r,

FP,

LISTEN to medc's message. He can be YOUR "Voice of Experience".

PLEASE don't follow the path of so many BH's here, who are terrified to stand up to their WW's and linger in a self-imposed form of LIMBO he!! forever.

When you look in the mirror at yourself ... you KNOW what type of woman you married, and you recognize your own weaknesses. That knowledge is power ... use it to your advantage and take action to protect yourself and your children from this woman.

There are worse things than Divorce and living the life you have described IS one of those things.

Stand tall, be confident in your knowledge and take ACTION. SHOW your children how a DAD stands up for himself while protecting his family.

Thanks for the support and strong words - they do make a difference.

As of right now and as I mentioned, she is living with me in our home and we are taking care of our children. I try and back off from the marital talk but sometimes it's just too much as I'm still a bit awestruck.

My therapist said to not have her move out until I meet with the lawyer (hopefully late this week or early next week). It's so hard to have her in the home as she's clearly unhappy. She doesn't smile, rarely talks to anyone and keeps to herself. She sends text messages to friends often (and then locks her phone, but I know who she's communicating with).

I want to have the confidence to stand up to her, for my children and myself. This is something I haven't done for many years. I always seem to buckle as soon as she reaches a certain tone in her voice.

She's basically had me to the point where I was accepting responsibility for so much in our marriage when I know it's not me.

Thanks for the guidance and advice, it's greatly needed.

Fishpants:

Don't think that MEDC and MyRev are being harsh, to you. This is supposed to be MarriageBuilders, right?

Click on MEDC's name, and then on Show Users Posts, and go to his beginning posts. AS firm as he sounds NOW, back then, he was posting like you do today.

I won't say that a quick divorce is the best outcome for you. That is for you to make a decision. But the relationship you have described BEGS for you to completly change the ground rules.

The similarities with MEDC story will scare you however. And since you can see it being revealed over time in his case, you then KNOW what to expect going forward. THe fog babble, the hurtful things, disrespect, etc.

I'm not pickeing on MEDC, his, and your story are here on many different threads. I think by reading HIS story, you will be better able to understand where he is coming from.

He IS trying to prevent you from following IN his footsteps. You can create your own, and avoid many of the same sand traps that he fell into.

LG

This is BLATANT disrespect towards you. In my time here, I have become a proponent of BH's maintaining their self-respect. You can't stop her from contacting the OM, but you can keep her from rubbing your face in her adutery. If it were me, the next time I saw her texting and then locking the phone, I would simply take it away from her and smash it to bits, and then inform her in a calm manner that you will not stand for her disrespecting you in this manner in YOUR OWN HOME. If she wants to contact OM, then she can leave the marital home to do it ... PERIOD!!!

You "may" even find a new admiration from your WW for standing up for yourself. Women DESPISE weak men, and they treat them with contempt ... have you felt that in your marriage? She likely knows you better than anyone, and knows exactly where to push your buttons to manipulate you into her getting her way ... NOW is the time to stop that cycle.

I do know she's only texting her girlfriends, not the OM.

You are correct, I am the weak one in the marriage and I want to become the strong one.

In all honesty, I do want to fight for my marriage and my family as I'm not a huge proponent of divorce or broken homes. I understand there are exceptions and justifications. I do still love my wife and I think that's what makes everything hard to deal with. I know what I should do, but I don't know if I really WANT to do it.

She does not have any respect for me and has not for a long time. In this crazy situation, how could I start to earn that back, even if little by little?

Thanks much, it really does help.

Did you go read medc's story? If not, why not?

Your wife is a sex addict. She needs treatment. You hanging on to her is NOT in the best interest of the kids (or you)unless she seeks immediate and SINCERE help with her addiction.

If you want a pair, then grow them right frigging now. Your kids need a real DAD, not one who is PW, and the last word is whipped. Am I being harsh? You betcha. I don't give a flip if you want to live in an abusive relationship or not - free will. I do care about those kids because they don't deserve their current parents.

Now who do you suppose can get fixed, you or your wife? I don't see hanging around looking for help, I see you. The help from your friends has been given and confirmed right here on the most active infidelity forum known to man.

Heck, spend $185 and talk to one of the Harleys. You need help and the first step is to accept the help and do something instead of standing there looking helpless. Hey, again, go read medc's first posts. He was singing your song. And look at him now.

Larry

Maybe I misunderstood ... I thought in your previous post that you indicated that she said she was texting friends, but you KNEW it was the OM.

If you want to be respected, then you need to start BEHAVING like you deserve respect.

This one is going to be the toughest for you ... I know you say you are not a proponent of D, but you MUST distance yourself from this belief for the short term. In nearly EVERY case of a weak BH, their situation does not change until they reach the point where they are ready to walk, before their WW's start to notice. She must feel that you are NO LONGER under her control and that you're ready to take action YOURSELF, before they will respond.

Personally, I believe that as a BH ... once the A is known and the WW refuses to go NO CONTACT immediately, then the chances for a successful recovery is slim to none. However, others will "claim" differently ... I guess its up to us to define "successful" for each of ourselves, but to me its very simple. Immediately upon discovery (Seriously it was D-Day + 5 minutes), I told my WW that I loved her, but I would not SHARE her. She could recommit to the M right then or she could leave our marital home right then ... her choice. She was completely taken aback by my stance and recommitted on the spot.

Our situation was not as bad as what you are facing, but my WW (FogFree) had withdrawn from our M and was beginning to rewrite history so she could justify her actions, by telling herself that I really didn't love her or want to be M'd to her. Then on D-Day she got shocked back into reality by my show of strong support for our M.

I then confronted OM by phone (he lived out of state), with FogFree on the extension, and he proceeded to throw her under the bus to try to save his sorry a$$. She got to hear FIRST HAND ... me standing up for our M ... and OM slinking back into the slime from whench he came.

All situations are different, but my point is you need to take a strong and definitive position to make your WW take notice that you are her H, and you won't go away quietly, and you only get one chance to make this statement, so prepare yourself with the knowledge that you have ... put on your armour and go to battle for your family.

One other thing ... when you talk to your WW. Stand tall, make direct eye contact and speak calmly, but confidently. Do not raise your voice, just remain calm and confident. It seems like such a small thing, but the more you ACT strong, calm and confident, the more you will BECOME strong, calm and confident.

As an added bonus ... it will rattle the he!! out of your WW because it is so out of character for you, and she will LISTEN to you.

FP,

Please listen to EVERYTHING that MyRevelation is saying to you--he's dead on in his advice to you. I should know--I'm his FWW. When he stood up for US on DDay, it spoke volumes of how he really felt about me and our marriage. I loved how he was firm and confident, and seeing how much he REALLY loved me helped jolt me back to reality quickly.

PLEASE step out of your comfort zone and "man up". You may be pleasantly surprised at her reaction. She will be shocked that you are acting so differently, but I'm betting that she will be pleased also. Believe me, women LOVE an assertive, confident man who stands up for what he wants and believes in, without being a jerk.

I wish you the best of luck!

Thank you! I agree and those words are very encouraging. I've known that I've needed to do this for some time but I've never been able to (besides some small victories here and there).

I am going to assertive but not aggressive, confident but not irrational. I do want to stand up, speak what I know is correct, lay out the option I have for her and then the ball's in her court.

I am grateful. At 35 years old it's hard to hear "man up" but I think that's exactly what I've needed to hear.

Regards,

She's no sex addict. She was sexually abused as a child and that has led to many problems with sexuality.

She's an attention hog true, but not a sex addict.

FP,

So what is your plan? Are you going to speak with her tonight? There are great guys posting to your thread that are here to help you. Tell them what your plan of action is and they can help you tweak it!

I have to admit, I'm intrigued by your user name!

Yes, I'm talking with her tonight after she gets home from work. Some of it has already come out, but not "tipping" her off.

My plan is to have her leave. She will go and stay in a bedroom of a mutual friends mother. She will be responsible for her financial obligations and her time when she needs to watch our children during the days when I am at work.

She's very strong willed and she will go. The question is whether or not myself and her family are important enough to her to change and turn her life.

Fishpants? Well, my last name ends in ...Trout and there's an old joke with a co-worker I used to work with "TroutInYourPants".
Like a fish, not the other way!..lol

Stupid yes, but it is, what it is!

You could start by acting respectable and setting clear boundaries like the guys told you. Fishpants, women hate men they can run over; it is downright disgusting. Our love is often contingent upon the respect we feel for our husband, so you erode her love for you when you allow her to act like a pig to you. I have no doubt that she also resents you for allowing her to get away with it. She sounds like she needs a man who is man enough to put her in her place if she needs it.

You don't have to be mean or act like a bully, but set her down and explain to her that she will not be carrying on her affair conversations in your home in front of you and your children anymore. If she wants to text the OM, she can drive down to the local bar and sit in the parking lot.

The next time she gets in your face, walk up to her and while TOWERING OVER HER, say "I BEG YOUR PARDON? <silence> If you wish to speak to me, it will be with respect. you don't speak to me that way. thank you."

But you have to be consistent. At first, she will try to yell louder to scare you, but you just have to walk off. Keep doing this until you train her to respect you.

You have trained her to treat you like dirt, it will take time to re-train her.

FP. I have some experience with a wife who is a survivor of CSA. If I can help, let me know.

Some more information on this situation.

My wife refused any therapy as she states "I was in therapy from 8 to 18 and it didn't do anything". I demanded her to get mental health hel in 2002 due to her behavior and actions - she did but only for four (4) months. She then claimed the medication was having a terrible effect on her; the psychiatrist tried 3 different meds before she stopped going.

She refused any marriage counseling - alone or together.

Immediately after posting my thread and reading the responses, I seem to have found a backbone. I did tell her earlier today that if she was not in the marital house for her marriage and her family then she needed to leave. She was surprised and said "but I thought I was staying for the kids..."

She is a tough girl and does not like demands. Unfortunately, this time I KNOW i'm doing the right thing by leading my kids. I told her if she wanted to join me in the fight for our marriage and family then we could go forward with changes, transitions, counseling, etc. If not, she needed to leave.

I will be talking with her this evening about the stipulations. She has already said she wants anything said in writing - she's worried I'm going to get "nasty" but I've never been vindictive or sought revenge.

Wish me luck - I'll post the results tomorrow.

Thanks to all again, your words help greatly.