Hi, all.
I'm looking for advise (and a little comfort) on a recent development in my relationship. But first an update. My original story is here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=150107&Number=2046648#Post2046648

On June 2, I had dday#2, 6 weeks after WW told me A was over and we were trying (and doing well) in reconciliation. But then I managed to get into her cell phone records online, and discovered she had been calling OM all along. At first I was furious, and didn't want to speak to her. I also gave her sister an update on the problem (her sister had been keeping everything confidential I told her). I then told WW that if she wanted to save the M, we'd go on a 3-week trip out of town (my job gives me some flexibility) so she would get OM "out of her system". She's admitted to being addicted/infatuated with the guy.

We return home two Saturdays ago. On Sunday, which was always her favorite time to talk to OM, as he didn't work, I went out to the store for a few hours, but before I left, I had her promise she wouldn't call OM. She assured me that the cravings had subsided, and promised she wouldn't call. When I returned several hours later, I asked her if she called OM, and she assured me she didn't. Unknown to her, I had a voice recorder running the the bedroom while I was gone.

I finally listened to the recording last Tuesday, and on the 3 hours of recording, I caught a 1-1/2 minute piece where she walked briefly into the bedroom, very obviouslytalking to OM on the phone. I called her up (I'm out of town during the week on business) and asked her again, and she denied talking to him. I told her she was lying, and relayed the part of the conversation I heard. I then told her it was over and wanted nothing to do with her. Later that night, I called her sister, and told her it was over with us, and she could tell the rest of her siblings.

In the next several days, WW continually called me, and convinced me to come home last weekend and talk. We reconciled again, and I converted the home phone to Vonage, so I could see all calls in or out, including local calls. She didn't object, and we've resolved (?) many things, especially her repeated lying.

Now, this morning, she discovered I disclosed the affair to her sister, and her other 5 sisters also now knew of it. She was livid, called me up 3 times, telling me how I betrayed her, how unforgiving and gossipy her sisters were, how I dragged her name through the mud, etc. (Yes, I understand the irony of all these). She ended with telling me she doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me until she sorts this all out.

I've read repeatedly here how all WS throw a hissy fit when the A is revealed, but that they get over it. I was hoping for some advise on how to deal with this, and how likely it is that she will get over this. Please note that I've discovered during this whole ordeal that WW is somewhat narcissistic, maybe borderline narcissistic personality disorder. She has an incredible double standard about everything. She sees her A as "just getting a little nookie" and that all her repeated lies were just to protect me while her A fizzled out and ended of its own accord. Yet, my disclosure is the worst act of betrayal that any spouse could do (I did tell her I was just following Dr. Harley's program, and we've been reading 5 of his books over the last 2 months, yet she always seems to forget about the part about NO CONTACT!, not to mention disclosure of the A). Like I said, the ironies of her comments have not been lost on me.

I want our M to work, but I've accepted the possibility that it may not. But, if it doesn't, I'd hope it doesn't fail for this stupid reason. I know we have a long battle ahead overcoming resentment, and I'd hate to have the game called this early over this.

Any thoughts, comments or suggestions are appreciated.

Best to all.

She is raging because you have taken away one of the juicy elements of her affair - secrecy. Of course she is going to blame you but remember this: whatever consequences arise it is because of HER choice to have an affair, not because people now know about it.

Be prepared for her to rage over other things. The irrationality of a WS is not unlike that of a 2 year old. My WstbxH went into frightening rages - first over D-day, then over exposure, then over various other ground rules and boundaries I set in the home before he left. Each time I would say "This was YOUR choice- YOU chose this". This would silence his rage for the time being. By the next day he'd be syruppy sweet - only because he was about to ask for something else.

Be prepared for this. It's really hard the first few times. But look for this pattern - the earlier you can see it, the easier it is to endure the rages and carry out your Plans.

She's angry.

She will get over it. Sooner or later.

Work on Plan A, and it will be sooner.


SB

Hi Galoot, they all get mad over exposure. Don't let it bother you. You can't reason with a falling down drunk and you can't reason with a wayward. It will blow over.

The most ALARMING thing I see in your post, though, is that you TRAVEL during the week?? Do you understand that is WHY your marriage is vulnerable to an affair? That is an INVITATION to an affair. Dr Harley's recommendation is that a couple NEVER spend the night apart. In order for your marriage to recover, the conditions that made the affair possible should change AND you need to spend every night together in order to BOND again.

Spending time apart like this is hard on GOOD marriages; it is devastating to crumbling marriages.

See, once she recovers she will feel bad about all this and won't blame you for exposing her. If she does continue to blame you, your marriage is doomed anyway because that means she has not recovered. She is going nutso because she was holding out hope for the affair and is still protecting it.

Yes, I agree that this long-distant relationship is a big hurdle. When I first accepted this new out-of-state job (I was unemployed at the time, and had little choice), the plan was to move there. When we went house-hunting in the new locale, suddenly WW found all these things wrong with the new place, and insisted she would remain home until I could find a way to relocate back there. Little did I know, and yup, you guessed it, she was already involved with OM (an EA at the time, the best I can tell). The A went to a PA the third week after I had relocated.

Last week, after the most recent dday, she said she was willing to relocate with me. I think she had a suspicion that her sisters had heard about the A, but was hoping to get out with her reputation intact. But the sh-t really hit the fan when she actually heard from her sisters that they knew. Since she already suspected they did know, I suspect that she'll eventually get over this anger.

Galoot, can you move to the new location? Is your house sold? You have a big mess on your hands living like this. What would be stopping you from buying a house in the new location and getting moved there? That is what Dr Harley would tell you to do. Just move there and force her hand.

Does the OM live in your town? Does she see him?

Oddly, this is only the second time she's flown into a rage (the first, coincidentally, was when the A was exposed to our two grown children on Easter Sunday). But, from the most part, whenever she's been caught in a lie, and I've gone to Plan B, she is all sweet talk, promising me she won't have further contact.

[using Elmer Fudd impersonation] Say, you don't think she was just telling me all that so to continue contact with that waskily OM?

During this recent outburst, she called me three times, telling me how could I do that -- she just wanted to get a little nookie. She also said that I was all so demanding, that everything had to be my way (FYI - this 'so demanding, everything my way' was one simple condition for me not to walk - NO CONTACT with OM). She's read Dr. Harley's books, yet this most important point has yet to sink in.

Gotta admit this blows my mind. I don't think I've ever heard of a woman trying to placate her husband by telling him she "just wanted to get a little nookie". Just wow!

I have not followed your story closely, so I have to ask..Have you ever had a one night stand, or suggested the possibility of an open marriage where you could each "just get a little nookie" when so inclined?

If so, I would say she is throwing your words back at you, but if not, she is waaaay out of touch with the reality of how that would affect a husband to hear those words.

Does she have a conscience about anything?

Right now I live between an apartment at my new job, and back home on weekends (or usually every other weekend ). Our house is not sold, and WW refuses to agree to put it up for sale (she's on the deed). I know it's a big mess. What I'm hoping for is qualifying for a flex-time program, in which I would have to report to the office 1 day a week, and could otherwise telecommute. This would still be a burden from my present home, since its over a 6-hour drive to my new work. I'm hoping to convince her to relocate to an area she accepts that is commutable for that 1-day a week trip to the office.

OM lives on the other side of town, about 25 mins. away. As far as I can tell, they don't see each other, and the A had gone back to an EA, over the phone, about 2 months ago (which I discovered was his choice - he wanted all or nothing, and WW wanted to be a cake-eater). Despite the emotional fulfillment she gets from him, she recognizes his lack of potential for financial fulfillment.

Yea, that one really endeared me to her.


Nope. In fact, one thing WW likes in me is that I'm 'safe'. I'm a bit of a nerd, and wouldn't even know a woman was hitting on me if she stripped off her shirt and jumped on me. However, during this, WW did suggest an open marriage, but then said nevermind, she couldn't handle the jealousy at the thought of me with another woman



Ah, that's nuttin, honey. You should have been there on DDay #1:

"Do you want to know where I've been. You keep pushing. Well, I've been fu&#162king R____ for the past 5 hours."



I knew she always had a double standard; I am now learning more about a narcissistic personality.

1) Completely ignore it. Walk away. Let her go vent to someone else. She wants to bait you into an argument to make you the bad guy. If you don't take the bait, she blow her steam and return to normal.

2) 100% likely. The sh!tstorm of exposure usually lasts up to 2 weeks. Once the initial shock of other people knowing about her dirty little secrets that she didn't want them to find out about, she'll return to a rational person who realizes that she has no room to talk about "betrayal."

Galoot, the only way this is going to work is if you get moved back in together. It is hopeless any other way. I would get your house sold and moved even if you have to get a legal separation agreement to do it. You would be better off doing that, than continuing with the travel. She is right there in the same town with him and will find it very hard to stop the affair, nor will recovery take place until you live together all the time again.

ARe there any other exposure targets? What about her parents? Are they alive? Is there anyone else to whom you can expose this? I really think your W NEEDS that kind of cold splash of reality.

What is WRONG with her that she would tell her H that she "just wanted a little nookie?" Is she mentally ill?

Galoot,

Yeah, she'll get over it....let her blow her steam, just stick to your truth. Don't let her rattle your cage and lure you into a LB feast....

The day my WS found out I exposed to his mom and uncle, he came over all in a tizzy, raging, mad as all get out, "I was going to work on this, but forget it now", and I just sat there sweet as pie, kept stating the truth on why I exposed. He even asked me if I was proud of myself, and I told him "Yes, I was proud of myself for having the voice to let everyone know that I loved him and was fighting for my marriage...".

Well, after a little bit he left. He came back a couple of hours later and then it was time for his pity party. I actually felt bad for him, but didn't let him know (its kind of funnier now, because at the time I didn't have the whole truth and now I do, and I know that he may have felt bad, but not enough to end it....its that addiction thing everyone talks about...).

Anyway, my point is that he actually got over the mad parts pretty fast......and I do believe that is because I stayed calm and rational during these moments and kept stating my truths in a firm but loving tone......

not2fun

ps...I also agree with Mel....you two need to be living together...

She said in the past she wouldn't voluntarily agree to sell it, and only by a final divorce will a court order it sold. Even in divorce, a court may allow her to remain there several years, as we are raising our grandson there.



I know. She had repeatedly lied to me about her phone calls to him, up to when I could access her cell phone records. I now can monitor her cell phone and the house phone, yet she doesn't seem perturbed. I'm beginning to suspect another cell phone, a tracphone or the like.

Just an update for those contributing to this thread:

Since WW discovered I had exposed the affair to her sisters, we haven't spoken.

My DD (24) called me this morning, saying that "Mom would talk to you if you send an apology letter and a present" for ruining her reputation.







I told DD, "you've got to be kidding!"
She said, "I told her that all the things she's done has hurt you hundreds of times worse." WW then got all annoyed at DD and changed the subject.

I also pointed out to DD that I never got an apology for WW's broken promise not to call OM (promise made 2 hours before her call), nor for the lies about it (lies commencing 1 hour after phone call). I also warned WW after last DDay/NC, that if she called him again, it was over with us and I was disclosing to her siblings.

If anyone is writing a psych. case study of a narcissistic personality, I have the perfect subject for you.

Plan B is in effect.

Never apologize for exposure....just my 2 cents.

WEll, thats ridiculous, you have nothing to apologize FOR. Let her know you have done nothing wrong. If she is embarrassed, it is because of her affair.

It sounds like she's playing a game of tit for tat (I won't talk to you if you don't apologize). It never fails to boggle my mind how immature WS's can be. Tell her to grow up.