Oh boy. I've now heard from a few people (WS, WS's Boss and WS's friend) during my exposure, that people are concerned about mine or WS's career future. WS is getting people to buy into not making a big deal about this.

Bottom line, WS and I and OM all work at the same place. Exposure is mostly at work, it's a large office - many people we all know.... I can't afford for one of us to loose our jobs. Help!!!!!

OK Don't expose. And walk on eggshells for the rest of your life.

You cannot recovery without No Contact,and NC usually requires exposure.

Find somebody in OMS life outside work that you can expose to. Wife ? Girlfriend ? Parents ?

But you can afford to loose your Marriage???? Which is more valuable to you?????

not2fun

Interestingly enough, my kids are probably the most important thing to me. One of us loosing our jobs will make things very difficult for the children.

I realize that I am a little weak with all of this, and I appreciate all of the support on this site.

Got to speak to WW tonight at home after work for about an hour. She seems committed to no contact, but only so that we can get through a separation without an outside influence such as OM. She is deadset on separating, and appears to be ok with the exposure - almost like she was prepared for it. In the end, she wants us to split everything up and move on immediately - kids, equity, belongings and all. I'm trying so hard just be thoughtful, respectful and non-demanding when she is so hard headed like this.

I want to give this a shot, but it just doesn't seem possible. She wants to go see lawyers this week, and get the ball rolling. I am trying to stall for time.

Tell her you want to work on your marriage. Plain and simple...

What does she want to see lawyers for??

A legal seperation or divorce???

Oh, and DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.....

not2fun

ps...

I am going to say this in the kindest way possible...

Your comment about your kids being the most important thing may have been the start of your Marriage crumbling. Your wife should be more important than the kids.....

Thank you for you honesty - I appreciate it. I've come to terms with the areas that I need to improve on. With respect to my comment about the kids being the most important thing, it was only in reference to the loss of income that would occur if she lost her job.

I've told her many times now, more than I can count that I want to work on our marriage. Before and after discovering the affair. She simply is unwilling. I've brought up counciling, asked her if she would read HNHN with me (which is great by the way, started reading it before I discovered A). She won't. Won't even consider budging.

She wants a legal separation, however now the door for divorce is open due to the infidelity. I will not move out of my house, but I'm not sure how long I can postpone us selling it to split up assests once the legal separation gets underway.

Status Update:

Last night went very much like I expected. Her fury set in with respect to the exposure as family and friends continued to call all night long looking for explainations. She spent the majority of the evening held up in the spare room on the phone, no doubt trying to justify her actions to everyone. I could partially here a bit of one conversation with someone, where she was completly downplaying the affair and going on about how she was leaving me anyway because I'm a terrible husband blah blah blah. I tried to keep things light and humourous when we did have a chance to talk. Just sitting there reading HNHN trying to get her to read a couple of key paragraphs with me about why affairs happen etc....

Oh the pain...

She is completly set on separating.

Scope, I have read your thread.

If you want to keep your marriage, do not do ANYTHING to make leaving financially easier for her. Do not help her out. If she leaves, she has to figure out how to accomplish that. Your job is to see the attorney and protect yourself right away.

The line is "I only work on the marriage. If you want anything else, my attorney is handling that."

She is not in her right mind. She is under the influence of one very nasty addiction-- the affair. Everything she says is questionable.

Scope,

Chrys is right. You can see a Lawyer to protect yourself, know your rights, the laws. Tell him what you want, you want to save your marriage. Put other than that, work on your marriage.

Plan A is what you need.

Also, I say put down HNHN and go get "Surviving An Affair". That one will help you more at this point.

As far as seperating, let her do ALL the work. Let her be the one to file.....let her show YOU how serious she is about this. Meanwhile, YOU show her how serious you are about working the marriage.....

not2fun

ps...

Mine was set on seperating too. He did find a place, moved out, but never did do anything about filing. It was all to keep up his affair......and now he's home....

not2fun

Thank you both. This is very helpful. I almost hate to ask it, but when I say speak to my lawyer about that, she will... What happens then? I know I need a lawyer and all... but what happens when she just hires up her own lawyer and calls mine? I don't really want to sink myself financially either?

Scope:

IF, and thats a BIG IF, she wants to speak to a lawyer, she can. Anytime.

However, SHE wants YOU TO DO it. Then, it won't be her fault. "S11 went and filed for D. I'm free to date XX now."

If you go talk to an attorney, you DO NOT have to tell your WW that. If it comes up, your personal mantra should be: "I do marriage, my attorney, does D."

IF and thats a BIG IF, she does call your attorney, well, then we have something. But YOU will already be prepared. Because you have spoken to yours and have protected yourself with knowledge.

You should be in Plan A right now.

Exposure has been working for you. You need to show her how GOOD you can be.

Its never about the OM. Its always about rewriting the history of the M, and "It's happening anyway, and OM has nothing to do with it."

But if the A ends, then you have a WW who is no longer under the influence. Sort of like the guards to the wicked witch after she was doused with water. "Blinking eyes, and looking around, "What Happened?"

Saving your marriage may cost you several thousand dollars. Between what the WW will try to spend on herself, the OM and toys, "because she deserves it", and Attorney consultations, both by you and her, and/or Marriage Counceling with the Harleys. Either way, infidelity costs money.

Divorce is even MORE expensive, both in dollars and emotional costs.

LG

The only time you ask her to speak to your lawyer is when she wants to talk about separating or divorce. You then say, "I am here to work on the marriage. I don't talk about divorce. My attorney's number is 555-5555. I am not really interested in splitting up, so I am not prepared to talk to you about that, and you will have to talk to the attorney if that is what you want. "

Say NOTHING more about attorneys than this. Do not under any circumstances share with her what your attorney's advice is, even if you have to wire your jaws shut to keep from talking about it!

The point is to not make it easy for her. Make her do the work, but also communicate that you are protected. Just don't give her any details at all. She has to go to the attorney for that. Even if she thinks she really really wants to separate, when she sees you aren't going to make it easy for her and she has roadblocks to overcome, it will throw some cold water on how fun the affair is. It won't seem like such fun when it is costing her in time and money and inconvenience!

Efforts to save the M, even if they seem expensive, are way cheaper than divorce. They just are. You didn't ask for this extra expense and it isn't fair but you are going to have to address it anyway.

I can't tell you all how great this site is. I feel like without all of this great support and advice, I would be going down a very different path.

Exposure is really setting in, WW is like a caged animal right now, trying to defend her actions and babble her bs about why she did it and why we are separating.

I could use some advice. This weeknd I am going out of town to pick up my kids which have been staying with a family memeber for the week. I'm slightly nervous about going because of the A possibly continuing (even though she says it's over).

I thought I might tell her I'm going out after work somewhere with friends, and drive up and back with the kids tonight. She will think I'm in town, and less likley to try to see OM. However, I don't want this to come back and be misconstrued down the road when it comes to separation. Can't do anything to make me look crazy.

Also - we were invited to a b-day party for the kids friend (long time friends of ours) tomorrow. We were not supposed to initially go because I would not have been back with the kids by then. I want to take the kids to the party, as I think it would be good for them and for me. I don't really want to make her feel uninvited, but she will not be comfortable going due to exposure. Should I tell her that I am going to the party, or just go?

Thanks.

I'm no expert but I'll try to help until someone smart shows up...


Short of physically restraining her you can't stop the A from happening. You can make it embarrassing or difficult for them to get together via exposure, you can cut off access to cell phones, email and transportation (refusing to subsidize her A), but waywards will find a way to feed their addiction.


I say...take the kids to the party. It will be good for them. Tell your WW that you're taking the kids to the party, and casually invite her along...let her make the choice to go or not. Don't make it a big deal.

I do have some questions for you - where is she staying? Does she still have keys to the house? I saw something where she was going to continue to stay with the kids during the day, is that right? Does she have a vehicle and who is paying for it? Does she have a cell phone and who is paying for it?

Wife is staying at the home with me. Although she has not been around much. She has keys. We both work, so she is not staying with the kids during the day.

We have 2 vehicals - one really old car and one really new one. I can't really say which car is who's, it's not really like that. We typically reserve the newer car for whoever is driving kids, and the older one for whoever is not. We owe money on the newer car, it's financed on a LOC which is being paid by me (from either her or my account). She has a cell phone for work, I am unable to get cell records due to that, but have voip at home and can see everything there.

One more suggestion. Do NOT let her talk you into seeing an attorney together ("because it'll cost less"). That would be a fatal mistake. Besides that, it would be unethical for the attorney to represent both of you, UNLESS, he thought it was an agreed divorce, and you signed off on everything.

See an attorney for a consultation but keep quiet about what you're told by the attorney. If you hire an attorney, make sure the attorney knows that you do NOT want a divorce and for him/her to do everything within their legal power to stall. Then as the others have said, anytime she brings up divorce or legal separation, your mantra is, "I don't do divorce, call my attorney. How about a piece of apple pie?"

try not too worry too much about where/what she is doing when you go to pick up the kids (I know, easy for me to say)
the reality is - she will find ways to see him, talk to him, etc. It sucks.

But the good news is, that seeing him is not so much fun anymore!! they used to have this little secret life where all they talked about is how wonderful life would be if they could just stay home together all day long sipping Mimosas, and telling each other how fabulous they both are.

Now that the exposure has set in, their time together will be filled with discussions about how no one understands them, how are they going to go to work each day and face their peers, how will they support themselves, why is everyone mad at them.
In a way, I feel sorry for your W, because right now she is really searching for some reason, some excuse, for why she has done this horrible thing. the reality of her situation is eating at her. You can go pick up the kids, and let her self destruct all by herself. A simple kiss on the cheek, and "I'll see you later Hun, take care"

when you go to the party - just say "kids and I are going, would love to have you wtih us!" She, in turn, will scowl at you and say "I will not go ANYWHERE with you! Don't you get it?! We are finished!!!!"
the translation of that would be:
I am embarassed, and full of guilt, and not ready to show up in front of all our mutual friends"

Things seem to be taking a bit of a turn for the worse. I'm sure she saw OM when I went to get the kids. She was angry at first when I called her to come to the party with the kids and I, but called me back and said she would come because she has not seen the kids in a week and misses them.

It's me that's taking the turn for the worse. I'm becoming unable to cope with this stuff. Today I broke down and wept 18 times (once in front of her). I love her and my children. She is so cold through this right now, and wants to split up more than anything. She continues to talk about all the crappy things I was before all of this that lead to it. Up to a couple of months ago she was my best friend in the whole world. Now she does not care even a little.

This complete unwillingness and uncaring attitude, combined with coming to terms with the fact that she had an affair is starting to take it's toll. It's like there is nothing left in me. I can't seem to stop asking myself:

How to I go on from here? How did I get here?

Just relax.

Focus on this phrase: YOU will make it.

This is going to end up being one of most significant periods of time in your life. No matter what the outcome...act with integrity and strength such that when you look back upon this someday...you'll be OK with how you handle yourself throughout this test.

Your wife is aggressively manipulating you such that she can get out quick and with everything she needs to carry out her fantasy affair as well as rationalize and justify her actions. Reality is NOT her friend....and THAT is upsetting her.

You should be dragging your feet on everything. Never agreeing that she can leave. She CAN leave on her own...with just a suitcase and nothing more ANYTIME she wants...but NEVER with your consent. Thus making her choose to stay OR abandon the home.

You should get a voice activated recorder and you'll get the truth as she likely is only speaking on her business cell phone. Maybe hide it in your JOINT car or in the house where you suspect she's speaking to OM.

Doesn't Canada require a full year separation prior to divorce??? I understand YOU may be able to claim adultery and accelerate that but SHE can't. Delay the separation and make her wait the full year to divorce.

Don't negotiate custody with her...divorce and separation terms are only handled by your attorney and you'll hear nothing of it.

Keep reading and welcome to MB.

Mr. Wondering