Tell her no thanks. If she wants something in writing to have her attorney contact your attorney.

EXACTLY ... she has no standing to be dictating "terms" to you at this point. Remain Strong ... you are the one in the right here.

I may have misspoken.

There is a variant with sexual addiction, I think, that covers those who have been abused in their earlier years. By this I mean that they define their relationships with men by having sex with them. In other words, their value to themselves as a person is defined by sex. I am not saying this very well. Let me keep trying with an example;

A young woman with a poor relationship with her mother and say, a hard ball father, has sex with males (often older) to find acceptance as a person; someone to love and appreciate her. So she matures with this baggage getting free rent in her head. This is just an example, there are many variables on this theme.

In one study that I read recently, the bottom line is that there were significant correlations for women between sexual abuse and; unrestricted sexual attitudes and fantasies, liberal sexual attitudes, variety of sexual fantasy, unrestricted sexual behavior, variety of sexual experience and frequent masturbation.

See if your wife makes the list with three or more of the above.

Lots of women have affairs based on the vulnerabilities built up by early sex stuff. It is rare for women in this category to have male friends without sex or at least the consideration of sex. Well, unless they get the knowledge of what this is all about.

Larry

I agree on not getting it in writting that can come later. Right now everything is getting laid on the table so to say.

Im glad to see in your posts you are getting more of a backbone so to say.

How did the chat with WW go??

Ok, so I did what I said I was going to do.

I had her sit down when she got home from work.

I told her that I loved her and always have. I told her I cared for her more than anything. However, I told her things were going to be set into motion due to her decision that she did not want to be part of the marriage and relationship anymore.

I told her the stipulations of her moving out, what financial obligations she would have and how our children would be taken care of. I told her that she and I will only have contact for reasons related to the kids only. No phone calls, no texts, no emails. Black.

I had listed out the things that I wanted to tell her beforehand. I told her if she was so unhappy in the house, in the relationship, etc then she needed to pursue her happiness. I told her I have not been happy as well, but that I realize I can find happiness in any situation. I left no doors open for her to have an option to stay.

She kept on saying, "but we agreed I could stay for the children".

After I told her that her financial obligations (I'm taking $5000 in monthly expenses, she has $602) would be her problem and hers alone - she got up, went upstairs, changed and left the house. She sent me several texts saying, "please don't take my kids" and "you told me I could stay, I should have never trusted you". She came home and slept on the couch.

So, that's where it lies now. I was confident and I did not waiver. I did not say, "if you only loved me we could make it all better blah blah blah". I basically treated this like business and just laid out the plan.

I do feel good, albeit a little nervous about what she may do to be spiteful. I have protected myself and my children so I don't think there will be much she can do.

She's home today with our children and I hope she realizes how serious of a situation she's in. A lot of times it seems to her that she can control everything - not this time and not this man anymore.

Thanks to all, I do appreciate your assistance.

Well played, FP.

It's amazing how far you've come in just 24 hours. I get the impression from your post that your WW was somewhat taken aback by the new and improved FP. It would appear that this "Come to Jesus" moment has had its desired effect ... your WW has at least stopped/decreased her behaviors temporarily and is thinking/processing exactly where she has put herself.

Now is the time to maintain your confident and determined position when dealing with WW. REMEMBER, calm and confident ... don't raise your voice ... don't raise to her baiting ... just establish your own boundaries for what you will accept and remain cool, calm and FIRM.

Congratulations ... you should be very PROUD of YOURSELF!!!

I have been following your thread and I applaud you on your new found strength. Just like MyRev has said, you must continue your stance. She will try to regain control and tell you stuff that is not true about what you are doing. Hence her saying that she knew she couldn't trust you. That's blameshifting. She is now assessing what has gone down. She realizes she has been doing wrong and knows that you have every right to do what you just did, but she is not going to let you know that unless you stand your ground. She has probably re-written history about your marriage. She will probably say you never met all her needs, she doesn't feel loved and she loves you but is not in love with you. This is all fogbabble. I believe your wife needs to get into good counselling. She clearly has self esteem issues and likes to make you her doormat, but only because you were letting her. She is in limbo land right now and contemplating what she needs to do. For me it would only be one option...work on the marriage or leave. Kudos to you.

Wow, thanks so much for the positive encouragement, it's really nice.

Yes, I do feel differently and she is trying to blame me now. She said that she has been trying to deal with her emotions herself and could not say anything to me because she knew I had a broken heart - blah blah blah.

She said 5 times last night in text messages while she was out of the house "please don't take my kids from me". I told her that no matter what she was their mother and her children.

I think that due to her strong will and pride she'd rather sit down under the bridge then turn her life around and help me save this marriage. That's ok now, I'm doing the right thing and if she doesn't want to participate then she doesn't have to.

She is not talking with me this morning which I'm not concerned about and she has until tomorrow night to leave.

It is a good feeling to stand up to her, set the boundries and dictate what is going to happen with MY life.

You people are awesome and very encouraging - THANKS!

My best friend here in Texas has the last name trout.

I also call him Fishboy.

You know ... when i read your last update i couldnt help but picture you as Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

More specifically in the diner when he says, "We're going to be three little fonzies right?, and what is Fonzy Yolanda?"

Yolanda: <shaky voice> "He's Cool"

Samual L Jackson: "Correct-o-mundo"

Just please dont Quote Ezekiel 25:17

LOL

Ok, so I gave my WW until Friday evening to move out - though she will have access to her things when she's with the children when I'm at work.

Here's my question - she has one day to make her arrangements and what-not. She's actually taking my children to the zoo for the day when I thought she'd open her own checking account, get her affairs in order, etc. What if she refuses to leave?

I recall a time a couple of years ago when she said, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm gonna make your life hell".

She's being nasty now - saying how she will never trust a thing I say again, that she should have never trusted me, etc. She even said "you're the one who's pushing me out". I responded to her and told her it was her decision, I was simply acting on it now.

I do like being in the driver's seat and calling my own shots.

You do understand legally she doesn't have to leave right? She could call your bluff.

Then you go straight to Plan D.

If she won't stop her wayward behaviors ... she won't commit to working to save the M ... and she won't leave, then you really don't have many options. So you take the necessary steps to remove you and the children from the drama and move on with your life.

These are ALL her choices and/or the consequences thereof. Your job is to protect your family and remain an example of a good father to your children. They need to SEE that you are trying to save their family, but at the same time, you will not allow yourself to be the doormat of the one who is trying to destroy their family.

Yes, I do understand she does not have to leave. I'm pretty confident she will though.

Blameshifting is the game shes playing now. Im very glad to see that spine growing FP. And I cant agree more with what is being said by the others. They are giving you wonderful advice.

I just wanted to show my support

I don't understand. The plan now is for her to sleep on the couch? :eek: I am not getting what has happened here.

WHAT HAS CHANGED?

Have you safeguarded all of your finances from her plunder?

oh, sorry, I didn't see this until now. Carry on!

Like the others said, she may not move out. You might have to get a legal separation agreement to get her out. I would just make sure your finances are secure from potential plunder and your credit cards are locked up.

Yes, finances are in order minus one joint account remaining. I told her she was being removed from that one and she said she'd get her own.

I only have one credit card - she has multiple in her name and opened by her. Not my problem anymore.

It's sad, I always believed I could turn her around with the right encouragement. Never wanted to believe she was how she acted and things she said. Now I see her true colors coming out - I just hope she doesn't get vindictive with me.

I am, however, still confident in my stance and my behavior. I KNOW I'm doing the right thing for me and my children. If she chooses to not partipate in our recovery and our children, that's on her.

If she has credit cards, then you may be responsible as her husband. A quick check of this with credit card company or an attorney would be useful. If you are responsible, you might think about calling an Attorney to see what to do.

Where have you given her a choice for staying and making a go of the marriage without affairs and OP? What boundaries have you given her? You are beginning to understand that she needs a leader. Okay, to where are you leading? What is your goal? How are you going to get there?

What do you expect from her and when?

Good to see you growing a pair. Let me detail a short story;

My wife had an affair with the last person I ever expected her to do so with. This is sorta common for ignorant (no longer) types like me in terms of helping her protect her weaknesses.

Anyway, after allowing her to eat cake for a while, I recovered and exercised my manhood. She caved, dithered for four days then totally committed to recovery as I continued to calmly lay down the law as to how things would be or else. As I figured later, her early in life sexcapades looking for love in the all the wrong places, conditioned her to accepting leadership if offered.

I offered.

So have you. Now what is the plan? If you need the pros, I encourage you to call the Harley center - best $195 you could ever spend for a plan. They COACH from a starting point that is NOT early bed wetting. The Harleys are concerned with the future and how to get there.

Larry

Thanks for the insight Larry.

My attorney actually told me if the credit cards are in her name and opened under her name, I am not legally responsible for any of it. That's the good news as she has a lot.

I actually got off the phone with an attorney just 10 mins ago; I'm compiling my assets and what custody type situation I'd be in agreement with, etc. I'll meet with him next week.

My wife is interesting in that she is now saying things like, "you have to give me a chance to figure things out" and "you pushed me out". Keep in mind, she offered three weeks ago to leave and I declined and told her she could stay because I wanted to hold out hope that if she stayed I could fix everything. I was wrong.

If I gave her the choice of staying now, she would accuse me of not sticking to one thing and how confusing I make things for her.

In our separation plan, she can come to the house to be with the children while I'm at work (already agreed on that earlier). When I get home, she can leave and go to her job. She was not to stay the night during the week and if she wanted to stay the night on the weekends with her children then I would leave.

I'm not sure how she is actually going to do this. I know she doesn't REALLY want to move out and live in a bedroom, have no money and not being able to pray for her kids every night and be there when they wake. But, she's the kind of person who says, "I don't need you or your money and I'm not accountable to anyone".

I don't think she'll cave - I've seen her in too many situations where you'd think someone would bust up, but she does not. She does not like to show weakness.

I have dictated my plan to her. She doesn't like it, but she knows she can't do anything about it as she understands leaving the marriage and our relationship is her choice, not mine. If she does not want me, then she does lose a certain stability that was our safe home.

We will see what pans out over the next several days.

ramblin' now, sorry.

Update.

I told my wife that she needed to leave. She asked me for a couple of days to plan (well, she asked for a week or two).

Last night we were talking civily, she got offended at something (honestly, I don't know what) and then she said "I have to leave, I can be here, I don't feel safe here".

I have never hit my wife, been aggressive nor do I yell. I have a tendency to not give space when I should.

She left the house at 11:00pm and would not tell me where she was going. She came back this morning and said she'd stayed in a hotel. She mentioned she had a long talk with a mutual friend and cried a lot.

Today she said she's leaving for the weekend. The problem is, she won't tell me where she will be. She says I don't have that right, she's not my responsibility and she doesn't feel safe telling me.

I know now that she's started calling and texting a co-worker who I have had suspicions of. He's 21, she's 32 on Monday. He knows she's married, even though she doesn't wear her rings.

She's been working at this job for 6 weeks, and 3 weeks ago she said "I'm done".

I think I know why she was done. I think I know why she says "I don't love you anymore, I haven't for a long time".

I talked with my attorney and am meeting with him next week.

Should I go to a dark Plan B now? She still has to come to the house to watch our children during the week when I'm at work.

Suggestions, advice, need some strenght!

Thanks in advance.

v/r,