hello, have read some good advice on here, but not really sure how it applies to me. My wife and I just seperated, I had an affiar (multiple) actually, while she is deployed in kuwait. we have been married 5 years. the majority of our marriage has been rocky, but weve had a sprinkle of GREAT times. I cant think of anyone Id rather hang with when we were getting along. Its sad that those times were much fewer than they should have been. Let me give you a little background on myself, I have been dealing with depression for the past several years, have been on and off medication. I think other things may be wrong with me as well (mentally) insecurity, low self esteem, etc.Ive had trouble mantaining employment, Ive had trouble following through with anything actually, or sticking things out when the going got tough. Ive also had a major problem when it comes to dealing with being honest. esp. when I screw up. Ive realized I can be incredibly selfish as well. Im not sure what is pertinate here, the short is my wife found out. we talked, I gave her my word that I would stop, but I kept doing it. she found out again, and decided to seperate with me. (due to lack of honesty and trust.) this happened less than 2 weeks ago. Ive had to move to indiana to stay with my sister, (I was and kids are in oklahoma) I was a stay at home dad why my wife is serving overseas. my wife has decided it would be best to sever all ties at this point, saying that I have alot of work to do to even begin rebuilding, that I am looking at a several month seperation at minimum. that we cant even talk about getting back together untill all of my issues are resolved. I wonder how plan A or plan B would fit into this situation?...which is best and what would be best for her. What Ive read about the "fog" is right. it really does blind you to your own stupidity and thoughtlessness. I really want to "fix" this. any help or advice would be great.

Read the link for Plan A

Here is a copy of the email I sent and the reponse, Im starding to lean towards her going for plan "D"


I'm sure there is much more than that and I'm sure it was multiple times with multiple partners. Who knows what kind of gross disease I've been exposed to by you. Your sister better take you to a doctor so you can get cleared for STD's. What's amazing is that you ACTUALLY beat me over the head, trying to accuse me of wanting and planning to cheat while you ALREADY are. At this point, because you didn't tell the truth when you should have, I know that you are actually just doing this to hurt me more. YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOU. Always have. I really don't care about your feelings at this point. Don't plan on coming home in a few months because it is NOT going to happen. I'm leaving in a couple of days on my R&R to see the kids. At least I will be there for Bryson's birthday. Don't plan on coming back, if at all, until after I get back next year. You're on your own until then and maybe long after if there isn't a HUGE turnaround.
Even after that, it will probably take longer before I feel any kind of marital love toward you. I just don't think you are willing to wait, because you are such a selfish person. I don't think you are willing to do what it takes to earn it. I'd love to eat my words, but its a lot of work to do and you weren't willing to do far less. It's amazing that I was so committed to a person that was the kind of person you are. I definately deserve way better. The kids deserve better than a dad that leaves them home alone while he goes off with other girls (and I know you are lying about going to the store, because you just would have taken them. You went someplace else where you didn't want them to be.) Anyways, good luck with your "recovery." I hope you do something productive.

----- Original Message ----.

I guess you have been right about me being honest, because the truth is, I havent been telling you everything. (you already know that) Ive been afraid of the consiquences, afraid that Ive screwed up too much. Afraid after I was found out, that any additonal things you found would hurt you more. Im not going to insult you by apologizing, or saying I wouldnt ever do it again. but the lesson I need to learn is NO MATTER what happens, no matter how severe the punishment is, I should always be honest. So I am going to tell you something you would have NEVER found out on your own. because it had nothing to do with the internet, or singlesnet, or anything. I'm telling you this because I should have long ago. and no matter what happens at this point. Its the right thing to do. I dont view this as a favor, but you do have the right to know this no matter how much I think it will hurt you. I did sleep with someone. it wasnt someone I met online. it wasnt someone
chris knew. Her name was april. she lives in shawnee, the night I used your parents credit card, sex did take place. I met her through tiffany. I havent talked to her scince the beginning of may. I no longer have her number because I didnt transfer it to my new phone. we never talked on yahoo because she didnt have a computer that was working at the time. as I said Im not going to sit here and tell you Im sorry because you wouldnt believe me, not even tiffany knew this happened. but your not crazy, I did it.

I would edit your post to remove your personal information from the headers for both of you. You can substitute it or simply remove it, but get it before the time you can edit the post is passed.

Mark

Aric,

I saw your wife's post and I think she's 100% correct...if you have a shot at recovering your marriage, it won't be based on her decision...solely on yours.

Recover your marriage anyway. Act now to ensure you protect your weaknesses--get the books, read and study...for yourself...only way to redeem yourself is through recovery...to amend what you've done in your marriage.

And you can. I did. Takes time, choosing your goal not based on what your BS wants in regards to divorcing or not...get right with yourself as a husband and father. You can change your life and stand for your marriage.

Get IC immediately for your issues with abandonment--the whys and hows of lying and projection...you will find you aren't looking at what you already have inside yourself, all you need, instead of filling that constant void in you (key is that there isn't one).

Ten years from now, when you look your teenagers in the eye, do you want to be able to say you honestly did everything you could? Wouldn't that be a great feeling? Instead of being the loser, the ne'er-do-well, to be the one who healed with their mother and made this fantastic marriage?

Totally possible based only on your choices right now, today.

Redemption: You pay back every cent and interest that you stole from the marriage on other women. Each penny you took without POJA'ing with your BW...

You cut off your access to dating websites (use cyberpatrol or another porn blocker on your sister's computer); you love yourself better by making it really difficult to justify harming your marriage;

You study the Love Busters and eliminate them...they have been harming YOURSELF as well as those you love most...when you eliminate them, you won't do them to yourself, either...which is big changes...changes everything. You'll feel your real power, build yours elf-respect and esteem, and you will see how you love well from acting from love...not getting it into that void you can't fill. That's what heals the pain you distract from.

Write and call your kids daily...set up a plan to see them...and get to work, even two jobs right now to redeem that which you injured, 'k?

You can do this...so many have and have gone on to have thriving marriages or lives...act because you know you only control yourself...don't base your decisions on possible response...up to you to do and not do...so you won't be terrified when your children know what you've done in your life.

LA

P.S. There are no justifications in life. When you feel pulled to justify, stop and see what it is--it's a signal you're not really looking at what is and is not in your part, 'k?