My W still refuses to give up contact with OM. As far as I know the contact is email and phone only. But in spite of my requests (and OM's W) they continue. It is not the <B>why?</B> - I think I understand that.<P>What I want to know is, what finally triggered you to cut off contact with your OP?

2Sad<P>What TRIGGERED me? This will sound really bad (I know I am in for trouble on this one!) but it was honestly the threats I got from his wife. I broke it off three times (only the Lord knows how badly I wanted to get out of the mess I was in) and each time we ended up back together. Finally, his wife made it impossible for me to contact him. Her threats and harassment, the things she was doing to me, my family, my co-workers I could no longer deal with. If it hadn't been for her, I think I would still be talking to him. <P>I will tell you this though, he was in my heart and in my head for a LONG time after that. That was one thing she could do nothing about, unfortunately. Withdrawl lasted for about eight months.

Time and Space.

Time and no communication (even though I see him)and even though it's sooooo hard, realizing that if I continued to be friends the pain would never subside. It only made me more depressed.

She cheated on me. OK... technically she cheated on her <B>husband</B> again but that wasn’t how I looked at it at the time. She had done so VERY early on in our “relationship” too, but that was before we became “soulmates”(blech!), so I didn’t consider that cheating on <B>me.</B> What a fool I was.<P>Saddest thing is, I broke up with her, she BEGGED me to come back, and I finally did. I didn’t find out until the hook was re-set that the only reason she wanted me “back” was so SHE could be the one to end things. She just had to put me through many more months of emotional hell just to gratify her own ego.<P>B!tch.<p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited October 15, 1999).]

What made me stop was knowing that I couldn't have all of him...I didn't want to share him with his wife. <P>He wanted to remain friends...which really would have been continuing an emotional affair and would have hurt our spouses. It was too much for me to handle...I wanted all or nothing. He decided he couldn't give me all of him...I was asking too much.<P>Your wife may be waiting for that day when the OM is ready to leave his wife...that will most likely never happen. Eventually she will probably try and get the emotional needs that she is getting from the OM from you.

2sad4words,<P> I'm the betrayed, but my H has (as far as I can tell) not been anywhere near or in any contact with Cafe Woman (never proven an affair, but I believe something <B>did</B>happen with her) since the end of August. He had a prior fling over 13 years ago (I knew it because I got an STD from it, but he denied, denied, denied!). I have been trying to do a Plan A since Spring of '98.<P> Anyway, my H had agreed that he would never go to the Cafe Woman's business or be anywhere around her without me. Around the end of August, I caught him at her place of business. No, there was no way he could have been "doing something" with her, but it was his blatant disrespect of my feelings that set me off. I didn't go in, but I called him and told him off. He came back to my office and we started having it out. When a customer came in, we had to cool it, and he left, saying he was going back to work. As soon as the customer left, I closed up shop, left my H an ultimatum letter, packed my stuff, and disappeared for two days. I finally called him to let him know that I was all right and to get his response to the letter. He finally admitted the affair from 13 years ago, so I went home. He still hasn't admitted anything with the Cafe Woman. However, he did go to one counseling session with me, and his behavior toward me has changed drastically for the better. We are practically like honeymooners now.<P>I think that he realized that I was totally fed up--that I would rather leave the marriage than continue to be disrespected and hurt by his hatefulness toward me and deliberate disregard for my feelings. I think that the love he seemed to have buried came back to the front when he realized that he could lose me--that I would no longer keep taking the emotional abuse.<P>I do think that if I hadn't been trying so hard in Plan A for the past 1-1/2 years, he might not have responded so positively. I was also at a point where I would rather have made a new life for myself than keep on putting up with the s***. So, I think that we should give our all to showing our love for our spouses, eliminating as many love-busters as possible; and then, when it gets to the point where we can no longer tolerate the situation, take definite action to protect ourselves. To protect myself, I <B>had</B> to pull the disappearing act. I <B>had</B> to get away from my H. If I had not disappeared, we would probably have had just one of our ugly, nasty fights; things would slightly improve; and, after a few days, things would have gone back to the same old, same old..... My H had to see that I <B>would</B> leave him!<P>I think that we should think about how our spouses react to things, and conduct <B>ourselves</B> accordingly. Just bear in mind that I was totally ready to rebuild my life--with or without our marriage.

Thanks for your posts...<P>I notice that nander, hummingbird and holly all cut off communications with the OP for "selfish" reasons. None of you mentioned your spouses' wishes or conformance to your<BR>marriage vows. Were these not factors?<P>nander:<BR>Did the OM resent his wife for her actions? His did this affect their relationship?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> None of you mentioned your spouses' wishes or conformance to your<BR>marriage vows. Were these not factors?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>None of this means squat when you’re embroiled in the fantasy. It means a lot <B>now,</B> but then... nope. Selfishness is one of the driving forces in an affair.<BR>

I'm the betrayed but my H cut contact when I threatened to take his daughters and leave. He had "supposedly" cut contact with OW on his own because he was committed to us. But I caught them emailing and I know it isn't MB correct but I said end it or I leave. I've never seen anyone scramble so fast. Worked for me, can't say it would work for anyone else though.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

2 Sad<P>Sorry to say this but when you are involved in an affair you are totally self-absorbed. I turned into a crazy, obsessive, possesive, mean, cheating, deceiving, self-centered lunatic. Before that I was normal. So, "no" my marriage vows nor anything about my H entered into the picture. <P>As far as OM's wife and that situation, I had completely cut off all contact with him. She began harassing me three months after it was over but I didn't tell him about it until it had been going on for five months. I just really did not want to contact him. But after five months of her harassment, I sent him several emails. He did not respond. Finally, SHE sent me an email and told me to call her. When I did, she screamed at me, called me every name in the book, accused me of still being in love with her husband and using email to get in touch with him. She said she never made a call, never harassed me, and that I was slandering her and that her lawyer had already been contacted. She kept telling me how wonderful her husband was and what a husband-stealing witch I was. She said he was sitting right there as she was talking to me. I have no way of knowing that. I could have been mean and told her a lot of things about her wonderful H, but what was the point? <P>My H was actually very protective of me during all of this and he told me that if she contacted me again that he was going to call her and HIM and take care of it. However, after that phone call, we put privacy manager on our phone at home and I quit my job, so she really had no way of finding me or calling me anymore. I have had NO contact with OM in 16 mos.

For me, the fog lifted <B>very</B> slowly. I think sometimes I'm still in a bit of a haze. I decided right after discovery that I had to stay for my son. But all the promises I made to my wife didn't mean too much; I still had plenty of contact with the OW. We said we were going to just "stay friends"... yeah sure! That was murder for me. I just couldn't handle it. I finally changed jobs and things got better after that. I still have withdrawal at times, but not even half as bad as before.<P>--andy

Unfortunately, yes it is very selfish. Thinking of only my happiness and what I needed.

I believe my H stopped seeing OW just prior to my discovery (walking away). He continued phone contact (while lying) 8 more weeks until I discovered another phone card and confronted. I do not honestly think there was contact after that.<P>I think he stopped because he was ready. He said conversations had become strained with periods of silence. I think he continued that 8 weeks because she was stroking his ego still, he felt sorry for her and a bit guilty to drop her like a hot coal and I think she was threatening to embarrass either him or me (but I am not really sure about that).<P>Although I was extremely disappointed I didn't give him an ultimatium that sencond discovery. I think he finally saw that he had lost all credibility with me and all of a sudden that was more important than the continued contact.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

So if I understand correctly the only thing that lifted anyone's fog was time and the finding out the fantasy didn't last. It took reality to hit before you would leave the OP? Does reality always hit or can a person live in fantasy forever? That scares me what if they never wake up? How does plan A do any good? or plan B? I'm so confused.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Yes, my reasons may have been selfish...but it was more of a communication issue with my husband than anything.<P>He told me to leave if I wanted to leave, and not to turn around if I walked out the door. He never asked me to stay, never seemed to care if I left or not. So my spouses wishes were to do whatever I wanted.<P>Yeah, he was hiding his true emotions...still doesn't really let on how much he needs me. He still says he doesn't need me...that if I ever left he would do just fine without me.<BR>I'm learning to become more intimate with my husband and to share our feelings.<P>Well, hearing stuff like that just made me want to run to the OM even more. I felt the OM loved me more than my husband and I couldn't deny that.

2sad - I'm in the same boat as you. My wife ended contact with the OM last June. We did quite well over the summer and I thought we were getting through withdrawal without much of a problem. WRONG!<P>My wife just couldn't go cold turkey. She missed the friendship aspect of the relationship. She started up again on email and phone just like your wife. I found out she meet him for a few drinks the other night. She says she just wants to be friends. From what I can tell, the OM would quit the relationship but she can't seem to let go. <P>I think in all the cases I've reads here it boils down to the betrayer making a decision to end it. Your wife and my wife have NOT made that decision yet. I wish there was something we the betrayed could do to expedite that decision. Maybe it's what Maya said - Time and space.<P>SHA <P>

SDS<P>Join the club. We are ALL confused, betrayed and betrayers alike. <P>WHOEVER WANTS TO READ THIS:<P>If you go up and read my posts on this thread, you will see that I left out the three month period after I ended it and when OM's wife started calling me. Believe it or not, I did NOT contact OM during those three months. It was pure torture but here is what I did. I got on my knees everyday and BEGGED God to give me a renewed love for my husband. I BEGGED him to bring me back to the person I was before this all happened. And I PROMISED the Lord that I would not, under any circumstances, call OM or contact him in anyway. I was good on my promise for nearly 7 months but I fell. I fell because God did NOT give me a renewed love for my husband, He did NOT bring me back to where I was, and He did NOT keep OM's wife away from me so that eventually I cracked and I sent OM an e-mail telling him what was going on.<P>The only reason I have not contacted OM again, as I said, is because of OM's wife and her threats. I am scared to death of her. Although I am over him, I would call him in a minute if I could. Don't ask me why.<P>I am confused too. If God wants this all to work out, what am I supposed to be getting that I am not - as the betrayer I mean? I repented, I was on my knees, I did what I was supposed to do and I know that I was forgiven by my husband and by God. So, why am I still so messed up? Why can't I love my husband the way I should? Why am I on this website?

SDS<P>Join the club. We are ALL confused, betrayed and betrayers alike. <P>WHOEVER WANTS TO READ THIS:<P>If you go up and read my posts on this thread, you will see that I left out the three month period after I ended it and when OM's wife started calling me. Believe it or not, I did NOT contact OM during those three months. It was pure torture but here is what I did. I got on my knees everyday and BEGGED God to give me a renewed love for my husband. I BEGGED him to bring me back to the person I was before this all happened. And I PROMISED the Lord that I would not, under any circumstances, call OM or contact him in anyway. I was good on my promise for nearly 7 months but I fell. I fell because God did NOT give me a renewed love for my husband, He did NOT bring me back to where I was, and He did NOT keep OM's wife away from me so that eventually I cracked and I sent OM an e-mail telling him what was going on.<P>The only reason I have not contacted OM again, as I said, is because of OM's wife and her threats. I am scared to death of her. Although I am over him, I would call him in a minute if I could. Don't ask me why.<P>I am confused too. If God wants this all to work out, what am I supposed to be getting that I am not - as the betrayer I mean? I repented, I was on my knees, I did what I was supposed to do and I know that I was forgiven by my husband and by God. So, why am I still so messed up? Why can't I love my husband the way I should? Why am I on this website?

I also felt the OM loved me more than my husband, he fulfilled all the fantancies I had about True Love, soul mates, etc. Me & my husband don't communicate well at all. Emotionally I don't feel connected to him. Everytime we'd fight, it would bring me closer to the OM, we would share all our feelings about our marriage and problems and how much we "fit" so well together. Me & the OM were good friends, I could talk to him easily, it was so natural. I felt like I would sacrafice all for the OM, we were meant to be. <P>I'm trying to communicate better with my husband and hoping that if I change how I interact with him, he will follow. I've done this recently and it's worked.<P>The OM wanted to continue the friendship but I knew it can't happen. If the relationship is over and the friendship has to be as well.