Dear Schoolbus,
All I can say to you is WOW and thank you. That by far is some really good advise. And also gives me alot to think about.

ima,

Get to work. This has only just begun, and you CAN win.

Most marriages actually survive infidelity, they don't break up over it. The stats are really interesting on it.

You would think you would immediately divorce over this, but there's more to it than meets the eye.

The affair really isn't about you. It is about the person in the affair - something is going on with your H, and he is having problems within himself. There are problems in your marriage, yes, but consider that if he were right and handling things normally, he would have approached you on the problems and you two would have worked things out in an adult and calm manner, right? Instead, he has compromised his own values, slipped down a secretive and slippery slope and found himself running around behind your back.

This probably isn't the same person you married - the same person you have known over the years.

Yet, he finds himself in this predicament, and he isn't "himself".

The affair isn't about you.

You need to remember that, and know that in your heart and mind.

There's a lot of work ahead of you, and your emotions will be going up and down like a rollercoaster. The idea to recover the marriage is something that is not to be taken lightly, because you have to know that at times you will wonder why you even decided to try. But in the end, if you are successful, you will be happy again - and you actually can end up with a much stronger relationship because this time around you go into the marriage with skills and a new approach!

My marriage - the "new" and improved model, that is - is better now in the sense that when I have something that is bothering me or when I recognize something is bothering him, well, we just address it. No more ignoring it, or wondering about it, or trying to figure out what to do or whether or not to do anything at all. We have SKILLS in place, and those include communication skills, meeting needs, recognizing needs, and even skills for day-to-day living. What's interesting is that day-to-day is somehow fresh and new now, and we haven't just slipped back into a boring routine.

I think the days of taking each other for granted are over.

So you need to know that if you follow the MB advice, you absolutely CAN offer your H a "new" marriage, and new relationship. It can be different, because the two of you can actually change yourselves and your interactions.

And yes, only ONE of you can do enough of the work at the beginning to make the start.

Get to work on the items on the list. I'm hoping he will start to see some things as "interesting" at home.

SB

Dear SB

sometimes i just feel like i am in a no win situation. He has no intention of coming home. he fully intends to keep up what he doing despite the consequences. His kids are suffering and i cannot just sit by and allow him to treat them the way he does. he is never here for them and it's not fair to them. this week alone he saw them once, that is it. I want to seek advice of counsel, but i really dont want to go that route being i am so emotional and all over the place. yet, i feel that if i don't do something he is just going to continue doing what he is doing and i am just going to sit back and take it. what other choice do i have? he has no intention of reconciliation and i cant even so much as look at him no less try to communicate with him.
i am not at a place to even want to fix this right now. i am more worried about my kids and that he doesn't even make the attempt to be there for them.

IMA

Ima-

Have you exposed to anyone? Have you contacted her parents?

esprit,
yes i told most of his family what's going on because he wanted no one to know and my family absolutely knows what's going on.
I haven't been able to let her parents know because i cannot get any info on them, numbers etc. i am at a dead end.

If your WH and the OW work together, expose at their job.


It can look like your WH has no intention of not coming home, but they often do that right before the affair crashes and they come home. Don't give up.

Have you read up on Plan A?

Make sure that you stick to Plan A, and don't deviate. As much as you want to, it is important not to yell or scream at him, etc. He only uses that as ammunition.

You stick to Plan A as long as you think you can. Then, you need to write a good Plan B letter and prepare yourself to go dark. Plan B is when you stop having any contact with him whatsoever, and you don't allow him to see you, call you, or otherwise contact you. You can find samples of Plan B letters here, which is basically a love letter that tells him that you love him, but to preserve your love for him you can't have direct contact with him until he ends all contact with the OW. You tell him the rules for contacting you through an intermediary. The intermediary is a friend of YOURS who has agreed to receive calls for you, and go through emails for you. That friend just passes on the information that is important.

For example, if he sends an email griping at you, but there isn't any other information that is necessary or business, then that email is NOT sent on to you. The friend doesn't even let you know it was sent.

If he sends an email that has partly business and partly griping at you, the friend deletes the griping, and forwards the business part.

You send your response to her, and she edits out your email address, and sends it back to him.

He is not allowed to call you directly. If he wants to talk to the kids, you do NOT pick up the phone, and they do NOT hand the phone to you.

Visit times are prearranged; any changes in times are handled through the intermediary. This gives him a real taste of being divorced, by the way!!!!

If he leaves you a message, you do NOT respond to it. You delete it before you listen to it.

If he mails you anything, you give it to the intermediary to read. If it is business, then she gives it to you.

You can talk to him in the event of an emergency. This does not include "the kids forgot their toothbrushes".

Of course, if he gives the intermediary the message that the affair is over and he is not going to contact the OW ever again, then OF COURSE you can talk to him.

He will try to break you down on Plan B. There will be all manner of "emergencies", such as the paint is peeling on the wall in the garage, the 6-year old's flip-flop broke a strap, and there are killer bees in Argentina should we vaccinate the kids.

But don't go to Plan B until you have a good letter written. And don't go to Plan B until you feel like you leave on a very good note with Plan A done well.


SB

that is my next step, to expose them at the job.

my question about plan a is, how?

How does one be nice and respectful to someone who can do this to the person they love?
I simply cannot find it in me to be nice, even look at him right now. I just can't.
It sounds crazy, and i know it's just prolonging my effort to try to get him back home, but I just can't get myself into that frame of mind to be loving and respectful to him.
HOW???????
I think plan a is much harder than plan b!

Also, I wanted to add.....that this weekend he attended a family function (his side of the family) by himself. Well not by himself, he took the kids. I guess he assumed I wouldn't be attending since the last party we were invited to i told him i wasn't going. I told him under no circumstances would I be attending anything with him anymore. He thinks that I am going to continue this cherade in front of everyone and I refuse.
i have no idea what he told everyone as to why i wasn't there. probably told them i was sick or something.

You need to let everyone on both sides of your family know he is having an affair. You need to be sure that this affair is fully exposed.

Do not warn him that you are exposing. Just do it.

Are you wanting to save this marriage or not? If so, you need to make yourself work on Plan A. Because while you think Plan A is hard, Plan B really is harder. Plan B means you don't contact him, and you don't allow him to contact you either. There is an intermediary in place. But you cannot do a Plan B until you have done a GOOD Plan A. Otherwise, Plan B will not be effective.


The idea that he's not coming back - well, they all say that.

There is story after story here where the WS says they are not coming back. Then, they come back. It's like there is some manual out there that they read, and they follow it.


You need to get your plan in place, and follow it. Stop going on your emotions, and go on your PLAN.

Expose
Go to Plan A


NO LOVE BUSTERS - no matter how you feel. Come here to vent.


Stick to the plan.


SB