Dear Dr. Harley,

I have really screwed up and put myself in a horrible emotional situation. Let me give you some history..

1. About 7 years ago, my engagement to a woman( I will call her Nicole, not real name) that I loved very much and was completely faithful to ended horribly, with her infidelity and betrayal. It was a very emotional time for me because around the same time, a family member that was very close to me died. I don't want to go into detail on this because that is another discussion in itself, but I wanted to give you some background to what may have made me make the horrible decisions I made recently in life. I, eventually, got over Nicole (so I thought) and began dating the sweetest woman (let's call her Tina, not her real name) I ever met who later became my wife, but in the back of my mind I never got over the relationship failure of my previous engagement.

2. About 1 year into my new relationship with my soon to be wife, I realized that I was rebounding and that I was not in love with her. When I tried to tell her this, she broke down and cried. Now her pain reminded me of my pain and I could not do to her what I thought someone did to me, so I stayed. The plot thickens, read on.

3. At my job where I am a manager, I hired a beautiful young lady, I will call her Tanya (not her real name) who was more my type (I know, feelings for an employee, stupid). She was everything I ever wanted in a woman so I thought. She sensed I was attracted to her so she began to work on that attraction. She flirted with me constantly at work and it was hard to not pay attention to her. She told me she had a boyfriend that she also was not in love with. We started a side relationship at work. We actually were going to end our relationships with our significant others when she got pregnant by her present boyfriend. She decided she wanted to stay with him, I got hurt, but accepted it.

4. After that happened, I jumped head first into saving my relationship with Tina. Not only did I save it, we rekindled our romance and got engaged. I was done focusing on the other woman at my job, so I thought. When Tanya returned to work 11 months later and found I was engaged, she was furious. I told her I was confused because she stated to me she wanted to move on with her baby's father. To make a long story short, she told me how much she really loved me and began to try to discourage me on my marriage. I had to deal with this everyday at work, and the pressure was high because I REALLY had strong feelings for her that I did not realize before, stronger than the feelings for Tina. My marriage was around the corner and paid for. My family loved Tina and her family loved me. I could not tell her my feelings out of fear of everyone being angry with me. At work the relationship with Tanya resumed. I realized I needed to make a change.

5. I decided to leave that job and went to a better one both financially and emotionally. The separation was great at first, but I began to miss Tanya secretly and plus she kept calling me because she was struggling financially. I began to help her out secretly in her finances. But at my new job, the money that my employees made was thru the roof! It was a base plus commission job and I could not believe the amount of money the folks working for me were making. I decided to hire Tanya in so she could make this money and I could stop supporting her financially. BAD MOVE. When she got hired about 4 months before my wedding, we resumed our relationship. I had to make a decision. About a month before my wedding we met for what I planned to be the last time. I told her that I will NOT cheat on my wife when I get married and this will have to end.

6. I got married to Tina and thought it was over. Tanya began to cry when I was at work and make me feel really bad. She also began to continually ask me to help her out financially because she was still struggling. Her baby's father was not helping her at all so she claimed. I began to help her out again. Although the physical relationship ended, the emotional one got stronger. We still talked secretly in email. Then it happened. It got out at work that we used to see each other. It was against policy that a manager have had a previous relationship with his employee. I got in trouble and missed out on two great promotions. Tanya and I were forced to separate job locations. She was forced to go to a less favorable sales location. One where her sales dipped by $30,000. She began to blame me for it all because I confided in a co-worker/ex-friend about our relationship and that guy stabbed me in the back by telling my superiors (he secretly liked Tanya).

I was so upset that Tanya and I were not friends anymore (although that was the BEST thing for my new marriage), that I began to email her constantly to repair the friendship.

7. Eventually about 2 and half years later into my marriage with Tina (who has no idea this was going on and loves me to death), Tanya told me she was ending her relationship with her baby's father. She began to put pressure on me to end my marriage to be with her. I began to stress over this situation very badly. I did not know what decision to make. Plus, I did not know Tanya's true intentions. You see since I got married and Tanya got separated from me at work, I only heard from her when she NEEDED something.

So I planned a trip to another state, Tanya asked to come along. We both had family in this state, so we planned to stay with our separate families. The purpose of the trip was to really talk about my possibly divorcing Tina and starting a relationship with Tanya whom I really loved. I wanted to know her TRUE intentions. When we got down there, Tanya acted very strange and distant. We had planned to meet up at a mutual place to discuss our plans while we were down there. Of course I paid for all her expenses and gave her spending money. Let's just say, after we got off the plane, I did not see her while we were down there again. I got an email from a mutual friend who told me that Tanya had been playing me all along. She also has been secretly dating one of my top employees whom I was friends with. Tanya calls me and confirms this. She takes a different flight back home to avoid me. I WAS CRUSHED AND DEVASTATED.

8. I know you say I may deserve this, but Tanya was always trying to keep me involved with her even when I said I wanted to move on. Now I just want to move and forget about her, but this is my dilemma, SHE STILL WORKS WITH ME!! And to make matters worse, I have new management who knows nothing about what happened three years ago and they placed me in the same location with her! I have to be her boss. She does not talk to me anymore now her secret is out. She still only talks to me when she NEEDS something, I don't give her anything that is not work related, but her trying to still use me hurts tremendously. I mean, I really was in love with this woman, I was going to end my marriage, to find out that she was playing me all along??? I feel stupid. I have rededicated myself to my wife, but I feel so guilty. How can I love her now after what I did? I am trying, but I feel like a hypocrite. She knows nothing about this and thinks I am the greatest husband, which makes me feel worse. Now emotionally, I feel I am going crazy. At home, my guilt overwhelms me. At work, Tanya's deviousness plagues me. Everyone knows how she was playing me. I feel stupid. I found out she is a very cruel person and has been preying on multiple guys like me. I was just one of many. I want to forget this happened and move on with my marriage, but going to work reminds me. I don't want to see Tanya anymore, I mean physically see her. I need to be separate from her. Seeing her brings me pain. And the way she treats me now is emotionally excruciating. I was thinking about another job, but this one pays really well and with the economy like it is, I can't find one that pays this well. My wife depends on my present income. I feel trapped. I never was an unfaithful man in any of my previous relationships and I prided myself on that. I hated cheaters. Now I am one. I have become the thing I hate. I am no better than my ex, Nicole 7 years ago. I hate I have become this. I am starting to develop feelings of self loathing. Please help me love myself again and save my marriage.

Do you want to love yourself by excusing your behaviour or by repenting of it, R71 ?

I know of no healthy marriage that is based on lies, so I would never advocate keeping affairs secret from your spouse.

Yes your wife might leave you, and that is her right, but how can you ever love yourself again with the guilt of undisclosed betrayal ?

Please read up on the articles dr Harley has made available on this site starting Here ( click) .

But in summary, you have to tell your wife, take extraordinary precautions to never see or speak to Tanya again and if your wife will accept your efforts, you must work to help your wife recover from this devastation. Then you may have some hope of recovering your marriage.

I don't know of any way that you can ever look in a mirror and respect what you see again if you don't tell your wife.

You made some really bad choices, start making RIGHTEOUS ones, R71.

All blessings

R71, the future of your marriage is really in the hands of your WIFE, who needs to make that decision when you tell her the truth about her own life. That is the first thing that needs to happen. This is pertinent information about HER LIFE and she has first rights of refusal on your marriage. She may - wisely - choose to cut her losses and move on.

She needs to know now, so she can decide if she wants to stay married to you and so she can protect herself from you.

THAT is the first step.

p.s. my suggestion would be to just print out your post and hand it to her. Then send her here so we can help her.

Great suggestion, Mel.

This would be a good first step in their recovery.

Regretful71,
Read the above quote again and tell us which situation your wife would rather have, after you tell her.

1) You continuing to work with the woman you betrayed her with for the last several years.

2) You changing jobs and your family existing on a lower income.


You are certifiably crazy if you think your wife will choose the money. All that pain that you are lamenting now, is barely a shadow of what your wife will feel. Even in your current state, you KNOW that you earned every bit of your pain. Your wife is having all that pain thrust on her in one awful moment by YOU.

The only way that she would choose the money is if revelation of the affair caused all the feeling she has for you to evaporate, replaced by indifference.

I say "after you tell her", because you must realize that she has the right to know. Almost every Wayward comes in here and hems and haws and asks "do I really need to confess if the affair is over?" The answer is a resounding YES! There are many reasons for this.

1) She has a right to know the truth about her life and the marriage she thought she had.

2) She has the right to decide whether she wants to stay in this marriage.

3) After years of disrespect, the very first display of respect you need to make is stop treating her like a pet and more like an adult.

4) Lies and secrecy prevent intimacy. You will never feel close to your wife if you have this secret between you. You are sabotaging any recovery you might try to make.

I could go on, but you probably get the point. As another poster said, print this email out, give it to her, and then send her here so the good people of MB can help her through this.

First you need to come clean with your wife. I agree print out what you just posted hand it to your wife and answer all questions she has on it.

This is in your wifes hands to decide what will happien.

I would look into counseling as well and will also need to look into a pro marriage counselor too.