About a month or so ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair. He's admitted to it but I suspect there was also a physical affair but he denies it. My husband has shown no remorse and blames me for everything he refuses to take responsibility for his actions and because of this I have filed for divorce. I feel he gave me no choice but at the same time I keep hoping he'll wake up and realize all he's losing besides his money which he seems overly concerned about. I've asked him to be transparent to give me all his email logins and passwords, credit card bills, and phone bills. He refuses which just shows me he has a lot to hide. In fact I've read many of his emails to the other woman and though they don't say, "Hey we had sex" it does say there's a lot that went on that makes me think they did. I just got off the phone with him and confronted him with these emails but he refuses to talk about them on the phone because he thinks I'm bugging the phone. He wants to talk in person and I haven't given him that chance really because everyime I have he just feeds me lies and tries to manipulte me into stopping the divorce. He blames me for everything which proves to me he has no remorse for what he has done.
We have two small children with another on the way so by breaking up this family I feel we have a lot to lose but I also know that I cannot continue to live like this. The pain is unbearable and I refuse to sit back and let it consume me hence the reason I filed for divorce. He has also done some nasty things like turn off my cell phone because I would not pick up when he called leaving my children and I vulnerable if an emergency should happen. He also cleared out our savings and checking account to leave us with nothing. My lawyer has fixed that but without my lawyer the account would still be empty.

My husband is a narcissist and I don't believe he is capable of feeling or showing remorse. I really don't want to divorce him but I don't know what else to do. I can't live with a cheater who won't fess up to his wrong doings. I'd rather live alone forever then live like that.

Any advice?

kbis, I am sorry you are here but you are in the right place. I see you making some serious strategic mistakes here, such as booting him out and fighting with him. This is literally throwing him into the arms of the OW and makes her look more attractive. As you can see, it is not working. Sure he deserves a boot in the behind, but you only help the OW and hurt yourself by doing that.

You have tried to get him to admit blame, which he is not likely to do while he is intoxicated by an affair. An affair is an addiction and an affairee has the same mentality as a falling down drunk. Trying to reason with them is a futile endeavor. The trick is to get the BOOZE out his hand FIRST, and then the other things can come. That is what we can help you do if you are willing to calm down and follow a plan.

Who is this OW? Is she married? Do they work together? Who has been told about the affair? Did you tell his parents? Who has been told and what were they told?

What was the state of your marriage before the affair?

Is he a DIAGNOSED narcissist and has he always shown narcissistic tendencies?

When you fight with him and accuse him, you give him JUSTIFICATION for his affair. You hand him a bullet to use against you. See, in order to justify his affair, he has had to DEMONIZE you and exaggerate everything you have done for the past 20 years. So when you lambast him, he uses it as confirmation that he is RIGHT, you ARE a demon!

And when you act badly to him, you make the OW look MORE ATTRACTIVE. So everytime you feel like lashing out at him ask yourself if you really want to help the OW.

On the other hand, when you are kind and inviting and ATTRACTIVE, you confuse him and make him SECOND GUESS himself. If he can't paint you as a demon, then you ruin his selling story and he can't fool himself. He needs to be DISTRACTED by your fury so he won't have to think about what crumbum he is being. But you WANT him to second guess himself, right?

If you can get a grip on your emotions, we can help you be STRATEGIC. The infidels are driven by supidity and passion so you have a distinct advantage at saving this if you can just get a GRIP on your emotions. We can help you do this.

He use to be her boss. My entire family knows, his dad knows, some of his friends know.

He shows narcissistic characteristics.

I just talked to him again and he just seems to have no remorse or understanding of what he has put me through. He denies anything has happened between him and the other woman.

He just keeps telling me to call off my lawyer and we can talk.

I feel like maybe I jumped the gun on filing for divorce but the pain is so so deep.

Of course he doesn't show remorse. That is unrealistic at this point in time when he is still in the affair. Just put all that aside.

You were RIGHT in filing divorce in order to protect your finances. Don't apologize for that. just tell him that you don't want a divorce, but you will protect yourself and your kids financially. Your instincts were RIGHT about that move. Let him negotiate any legal move, such as visitations or financial support with your lawyer. You don't want to be involved with that at all. Let your lawyer be the heavy there.

Who is the OW? Is she married? Do you know who her parents are?

And who exposed the affair to your family? Did you do it and did you tell them the truth?

How old are your kids and how long married?

Tell him that you won't end your action but you will talk to him. The divorce action is putting pressure on his affair and you don't want to end that pressure.

My husband was the OW's boss at his last job which he left two months ago. I caught on that something was going on because while he was away for a month I noticed he called her a lot, up to eight times a day and talked for over two hours at a time sometime. I also saw his credit card bill and saw that he was in Michigan when he was suppose to be in Texas and he saw her then but he insists he saw other people too but if I had never confronted him about this he would never have told me. He also stayed at a hotel in AK and they have sent each other emails that say ARKANSAS! They don't explain what happened there but something happened. When I trace the phone calls he didn't call her the day he was there yet all other days he talked to her. When he was in Michigan same thing there was a long time between phone calls I'm assuming because they were togther.

I told my family and I told them all I knew. My husband is at the very least having an emotional affair which he admits to but barely and I suspect a physical affair but I have no solid proof.

My children are 4 and 16-months and I'm 19-weeks pregnant with our third child. We have been married for 4.5 years and together for 6 years.

Is she married?

Who are her parents?

How old is she?

And this is most certainly a PA, I am sorry to tell you.

Have you exposed the affair to his parents? Exposure is a very powerful weapon against the affair because affairs thrive on secrecy. It is like turning on the lights in the crack house. No one likes to get high when everyone is watching.

"I would be willing to drop the action in the future if we can work things out, but not before. I don't want a divorce, but will protect myself in the mean time."

She's single with a ten year old son and lives in a different state but is close enough that they could easily see each other whenever they wanted. She's 29 my husband is 32 and I'm 31. I have no idea who her parents are. I have told his dad about the affair but he's not close to either of his parents so it really does not matter if they know or not.

Oh, other signs to me that he's had a PA. He's shaven down there, he's never done that, he has sex differently with me. And everytime I wanted to be intimate I had to initiate it. The first couple of times he just laid there then told me he didn't feel anything and he did not climax. He refuses to kiss me as well. And if I asked for a hug it was either a big no or a fake hug. And yes, I've been checked for STDs but will have to again since I stupidly had sex with him since then.

Your H is in a fog. And something is def going on. Do not call off the lawyers.

Read all the articles on here. This is a great place to help a marriage and to also get you thru the hard times. And great support here as well.

kdis, go on www.peoplefinder.com and www.zabasearch.com and plug in her name. See if a husband or parent comes up. Look up her phone # in directory assistance on the internet [www.anywho.com] and see if there is a man's name there. Call her house disguising your # with *67 and see what the answering machine says.

She may very well be married. Does she know he is married? Have you spoken to her?

See if you can get names and #s for her family members using the above methods so you can expose to them. Another alternative is to hire a PI to find her parents. We have one that some of us have used that is very reasonable. Exposing to her family would inflict a huge blow to the affair.

What about exposing to his MOTHER? Have you told her?

Hi kdis,

Welcome to MB. You are in a great, safe, helpful place. Melody knows her stuff and there will be lots of people who will come along and help you, like Melody says, strategize and walk through this.

I'm sorry you are here. We all understand this pain because almost all of us have walked through it, continue to walk through it or have completed their journey.

There is lots you can do, but the first is to calm down. Having your lawyers handle things is great. It will protect you and your family and that's what you need to do.

People are going to keep talking to you about the wayward mind set and how they become alien's and start talking a language that we call "fog" talk. It's crazy, it's insane, it's hurtful, etc. You might even feel like you are losing your mind. You aren't. It's real and it hurts.

But we will help you get through this. Keep asking questions, keep reading and keep breathing. That was one of the first things I had to learn to do, was keep breathing.

What should I start doing? I've tried no contact except for finanaces and children. I've been doing that for almost a week now except that I called him last night and confronted him about the emails he and OW have shared and this morning I called to confront him about his hotel stay in MI where OW lives. He has an excuse for everything. In his eyes he's done nothing wrong, the only thing he'll apologize for is hurting me for finding out about his contact with OW but he swears they are just friends even though he's admitted an emotional affair but like I said he has barely admitted to that even with all teh evidence I've brought before him.
He keeps telling me I'm keeping the kids away from him but it's not true but in his warped mind I am. I won't let him take them to sleep on a couch at someone elses' house, my attorney told me that's OK that I shouldn't let him take them until he has a stable environment to bring them to. I think he has rented an apartment and will move in this weekend or next week because he said he wants to take them overnight and he has a place to take them.

I've been getting great advice on another forum but overll it seems that I should push for divorce and move on with my life because my husband isn't going to come around and he hasn't in the two months since all this started happening.

My husband also said he attended a marriage matters seminar a couple of weeks ago in TX but I think it's bull since there is no course listed as being in TX at that time. I think he was with the OW he tells me he has proof he was in TX but two weeks later I still have no proof before me.

I keep faltering from being an emotional mess to being strong. I'm scaed I'm making the wrong decisions. I'm scared I'm pushing my husband away too fast and not giving him time to come around but really I don't have time to wait. The pain is unbearable and I can't handle it. I can't wait for him to decide to be honest with me because it may never ever happen

Talk to a lawyer. Go to counseling for your sanity. Work on you!!

Expose you H for what he is. What he is doing. And what he is becoming.

Hes going to tell you everything you want to hear. Look beyond that. If he wants it to work he needs to do a NC to the OW. That is the first step I believe.

Read the articles here. They will guide you. Its a good place to be.

So sorry you are going through this!

You are getting really good advice and guidance from Melody. The only advice I could give you is to follow her advice as closely as you possibly can and try not to get sidetracked with listening to your WH's fogbabble.

The better you work your Plan A (exposure and learning about ENs and LBers...focusing more on yourself and your actions rather than your WHs) the stronger you will land on your feet regardless of the outcome.

Hang in there!

I absolutely agree with Bitter. Melody is giving you great advice on what to do, and how to strategize on what is your next move.

Read up on everthing here about Plan A. Learn about yourself and know that you can recover your M. It takes time and hard work, but there are SO many people who have done it.

My mentor Mimi, gave me some of the best advice and I worked a great Plan A with awesome results.

You can do this.

Oh, can you afford to buy Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs or is money a HUGE issue?

I just talked to my husband he told me he doesn't think that he can get past all I've done to him, filing for divorce, kicking him out of the house, changing the locks, etc. So it seems there's no point in trying to make this work since he can't get past all the horrible things I've done to him. No mention about how much pain he's put me through that lead me to do those things for my sanity and self preservation. In fact there's never a mention of any of the hurt he's put me through unless I bring it up and then when I do he just reminds me how much harm I've done to him.

Maybe this just isn't worth fighting for, he doesn't seem to think so.

RULE NUMBER ONE - STOP LISTENING TO HIM.

Watch his actions, but stop listening to him. He isn't in his right mind, he has become what we call and ADDICT.

Do you want your M to recover? If you do, we can walk you through this every step of the way. But you have to be willing to trust the vets who absolutely KNOW what they are talking about. They have done this themselves and speak from experience.