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Joined: May 2007
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Hello all,
I was pretty active on this site last yr after finding out about my wife's affair, but once I moved out and we separated, I dropped off...

situation in nutshell:
Wife of 18 yrs (at the time) started an affair with a 22 yr old last spring(Feb 07) after being empotionally neglected by me for several months.

I found out in April, and after several very rocky and ugly months, moved out in July 07.

We started D in June, but put it on hold in July to take a 6 mo. separation to 'cool off'. Sometime in fall the B moved in w WW and kids.

In January, WW still didn't know what she wanted, so I filed in early Feb. She has continued dragging feet, delaying wherever possible, etc and we've now had 2 mediations rescheduled due to her lack of completion of paperwork, etc.

A couple weeks back she tells me she misses me and is starting to rethink her past year and all of the decisions she has made. About this same time, she sees me with my girlfriend, sees me happy, relaxed, etc. And for the first time in almost a year, I am happy again with my life. Happier than I've been in a LONG time.

Last week she tells me she has had the 'talk' with BF and he has moved out, taking all his stuff with him.

So... up until 2 weeks ago, I had moved on with my life. I was ready to be divorced, had been living separate and independent life for almost a year, and was happy. That took me almost a year to get there.

I just can't see going back. I can't imagine getting over trust issues, infidelity, and the past year. I can't imagine walking back into that situation of imagining where she is, who she's with, what she's doing all the time. How can it be done? I'm pretty much a poster child for this site... Any words of advice or encouragement out there??

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Ok, I'm going to be the first one to ask. If you aren't divorced, why do you have a GF?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
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Shouldn't you be telling your GF that you are in an EA with your STBXWW?


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
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On the subject of my GF... after the 6 mos of separation, when I decided that D was my choice (and the only choice) as my W was still in her affair, I started dating.

And yes, I told my GF about the conversations I had w WW practically the day they started.. ok maybe 2-3 days after they started.

I stopped seeing her when my W told me she was rethinking her past year.

I also told my W that I had told my GF about her, and had stopped seeing her so as to be able to commit 100% of my attention to our marriage. I did it out of respect to my GF, not necessarrily my W (that sounds sick I know) but I also told my W that so as to judge her reaction.

She told me that she was caught offguard by it, a bit surprised, but she did have the convo with her BF 2 days later.

But she also told me she wanted to go slow... wasn't interested in jumping back into counseling, or immediately back into a relationship with me just yet. Said she wants us to have time to "re-meet" if thats a word, and date and see if we like the people we both are now.

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Thanks for clarifying. Didn't mean to jump all over you, but I didn't realize that you ended the relationship with your GF...my apologies. I'm sure some here will get on you for having an affair, by even having a GF while married...but, as a fellow BH I actually commend you for moving on with your life and dating again...I see nothing wrong with it. Your WW ended the marriage when she had an affair...not your responsibility to do nothing for the rest of your life, waiting for the D to be finalized. Question is...now that you have moved on with your life, and are happy without WW, do you want to risk going through this all over again? Has WW changed, and has she owned her [censored]? Big questions. I'm pretty new here, and will let the vets give you advice....best of luck to you.


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
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that was the reason for my post... how CAN I go back? How CAN I trust her again? How CAN I climb in bed with a woman that has been sleeping with another man for over a year?


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that was the reason for my post... how CAN I go back? How CAN I trust her again? How CAN I climb in bed with a woman that has been sleeping with another man for over a year?


I guess I would ask, do you want to go back? If you don't want to all this doesn't matter. My suspicions are you were hurt and moved forward because of that hurt.

Time always seems to heal those hurts and we begin rethinking what we have done or the choices we have made.

So, if you decide that you want to go back, then you completely start over and build a marriage that you always wanted. You apply all the MB principles and you take it step by step.

No doubt it will be work beyond any scope imaginable, but the rewards can be amazing if you want them.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Ask yourself this:

Would I consider working on the marriage with my WW if I didn't have a GF? If so, you need to dump the GF and then rethink whether or not you want to work on your marriage after you get through withdrawal from the GF. If you do decide to work on your M, then you need to set the ground rules for your recovery and get the Harley's involved.

P.S. Since you are still married, you are still having an extramarital affair, so I would end the relationship w/ your GF anyway and avoid any relationship until after you are divorced.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Ask yourself this:

Would I consider working on the marriage with my WW if I didn't have a GF? If so, you need to dump the GF and then rethink whether or not you want to work on your marriage after you get through withdrawal from the GF. If you do decide to work on your M, then you need to set the ground rules for your recovery and get the Harley's involved.

P.S. Since you are still married, you are still having an extramarital affair, so I would end the relationship w/ your GF anyway and avoid any relationship until after you are divorced.


He has ended the relationship with his GF. I believe he did the right thing by doing so, because of the possibility of the marriage being rekindled. But, I must say that this whole "you are having an extramarital affair" is complete hogwash IMO. How about we don't stop there...how about all BS's get locked up in a padded room for 1 to 10 years (however long the D takes), then when XWS has finally decided to let the D happen, BS can live again!!! That's complete BS (and I don't mean betrayed spouse). Does he have legal reasons to try to avoid a relationship before the D is final?...yes. But, it is ludicrus to tell a BS that they should not get on with their lives in the midst of a D, for any other reason than legal reasons. JMO. He has every right to get his EN's met by another woman while his wife is moved out and living with another man.


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
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Sorry for the T/J, but this is really something I am struggling with myself and want to address if just for my own personal selfish reasons.

Introvert,

I think the reason that it is highly recommended not to get involved with someone else during this time is just for this reason.

When you are starting a new relationship, BS or anyone else, the same feelings of euphoria are released into your system and you get lost in that "fog" as well. Would you agree with that?

Until you are D, there is ALWAYS that chance of your M being restored, reconciled or whatever.

By bringing someone into the equation you have not only "mudded" the waters so to speak, but you have brought someone in who has the potential to get hurt.

I certainly am not saying a BS doesn't have the right to get their EN's met by someone else, but this is truly playing with fire.

I absolutely understand the desire. I FIGHT it right now myself, but look at him, if he didn't have a GF, he wouldn't have that component playing in his mind and whether or not he wanted to look at his marriage would be clean without and fog in it.

IMHO


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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FL,

if you are wanting to work it out with your WW then you need to make sure you are disconnected from your GF as she is with the OM. Meaning yes I know you broke it off with your GF. But if you are going to work at the M you need to treat both sides. The NC letters from both sides etc... And if you are serious in wanting to make the M work and so is your WW then take the baby steps and move foward. If she asks questions and vice versa about the relationships you both had with other people then be honest FULLY honest.



Married 1996
4 wonderful children 16, 13 *OC*, 10, 7
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FWH 30's
My dday 1-2007 he came clean to me

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Originally Posted by QueeniesNewLife
I guess I would ask, do you want to go back? If you don't want to all this doesn't matter. My suspicions are you were hurt and moved forward because of that hurt.

I thought I would repeat this as it's getting lost in the what you should do with GF aspect of things. Only you have the answer to this.

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Originally Posted by Tabby1
Originally Posted by QueeniesNewLife
I guess I would ask, do you want to go back? If you don't want to all this doesn't matter. My suspicions are you were hurt and moved forward because of that hurt.

I thought I would repeat this as it's getting lost in the what you should do with GF aspect of things. Only you have the answer to this.

We can get sidetracked on here, can't we.

Perfect Tabby, thank you


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
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Quote
He has every right to get his EN's met by another woman while his wife is moved out and living with another man.


WHY? So he can use some poor woman as an old snot rag? First of all any woman who would agree to go out with a man in this SIT is a major loser with no boundaries or self-esteem and big-time issues of her own. A man going through this is going to be a needy mess. And what is this "ten years" to get a divorce????? If you are dragging this nonsense out for more than a year it is time to get an MRI because your synapses aren't firing the way they should be. There is not need to suffer--find a neurologist with a prescription pad!


Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20

Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8

Happily married 30+ years
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Originally Posted by pieta
Quote
He has every right to get his EN's met by another woman while his wife is moved out and living with another man.


WHY? So he can use some poor woman as an old snot rag? First of all any woman who would agree to go out with a man in this SIT is a major loser with no boundaries or self-esteem and big-time issues of her own. A man going through this is going to be a needy mess. And what is this "ten years" to get a divorce????? If you are dragging this nonsense out for more than a year it is time to get an MRI because your synapses aren't firing the way they should be. There is not need to suffer--find a neurologist with a prescription pad!

So, you mean to tell me that WS's are all willing to get the divorce done ASAP...in the best interest of both parties?...lol...please. I didn't say that the BS would drag it out....WS's almost always do...they are the ones on the defensive in most cases and stand the most to lose.

I agree with the points about not dating other people if you are not ready. But, nobody here is in the position to judge whether he was ready or not!!!!!!!...D or no D. He's the only one that can be the judge of that. Just to automatically assume that EVERY BS on Earth is incapable of starting a relationship with someone else before the D is final, is complete nonsense.

You may want to say "well, he isn't ready, he is still thinking about his WW".....well, I think it's safe to say that ANYONE HERE, AT ANY GIVEN TINE would rahash old memories of their X's....for a LONG time. He hasn't acted on anything with WW, he did the right thing in ending his relationship with GF.....give the guy a break.

This whole..."well you are a BS, so you better put your head in the sand until WE say it's okay to pull it out"....is complete crap.

Any BS's out there.....if you are in the process of D, and feel you are ready to start dating...date.

Last edited by introvert; 07/11/08 12:39 PM.

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Introvert:

Since you have only been here for 6 weeks, you should be careful about wading into this.

The BS can date before the D is final. But they LOSE so much by making that decision. The moral highground as it was.

This is a line from FL_B today:

Quote
that was the reason for my post... how CAN I go back? How CAN I trust her again? How CAN I climb in bed with a woman that has been sleeping with another man for over a year?

HIS WW can now say the same thing. "How can I go back to someone who has been sleeping with another woman for 6 months."

Yes, he ending it with his OW.

Once his WW said she wanted to try again.

So, FL_B was using his GF for whatever girl-toy purposes he wanted, just like his WW was using her OM.

Maybe in FL_B's case, his "finding" a new GF was enough to push WW to re-commit to the M. That's a possibility. And her A was getting to the two year mark, and LIVING together certainly made WW see what a prince that OM was.

So, maybe WW would have been coming around anyway. But NOW FL_B has to recover his M with the additional baggage that HE has brought to the M.

Introvert, I'm not saying that you are WRONG. If BS's want to date before the D is final, they can. They don't have to get locked in a room until the WS releases them. But the relief that that "dating" brought was temporary, it created additional hurdles in the recovery process, and unnecessesarily hurt others. But if the BS is DONE. Then they can date. But you BETTER be DONE.

FL_B: If you think that the M is headed towards recovery, please book the August MB weekend in Minnesota and get your WW on the plane. The may also schedule one in FL later this year or early next year. Please look into it.

LG




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Originally Posted by introvert
I agree with the points about not dating other people if you are not ready. But, nobody here is in the position to judge whether he was ready or not!!!!!!!...D or no D. He's the only one that can be the judge of that. Just to automatically assume that EVERY BS on Earth is incapable of starting a relationship with someone else before the D is final, is complete nonsense.

You may want to say "well, he isn't ready, he is still thinking about his WW".....well, I think it's safe to say that ANYONE HERE, AT ANY GIVEN TINE would rahash old memories of their X's....for a LONG time. He hasn't acted on anything with WW, he did the right thing in ending his relationship with GF.....give the guy a break.

This whole..."well you are a BS, so you better put your head in the sand until WE say it's okay to pull it out"....is complete crap.

Any BS's out there.....if you are in the process of D, and feel you are ready to start dating...date.

Introvert,

This is a Marriage Buidling site, and what you just said contradicts what the Harleys teach. You are entitled to your opinion, but I am entitled to tell you that you are wrong.

Last edited by jmwc95; 07/11/08 01:09 PM.

Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Introvert, thanks for the backup...

Now I recall a 'lil of why I stopped hanging out on this site... I know there are a lot of very raw emotions when dealing with this, but attacking me when I'm asking for help isn't very helpful, now is it??

As far as dating goes - my 2 cents - Don't do it when you're married, interested in getting married, or attempting to stay married... but once you've decided that life has to move on, get to it. If you've decided to get on with life, it is probably the most effective way to get on with it... (but definitely not the easiest...)

And attacking my now ex-girlfriend? She happens to be a very incredible person, one that I will regret not having in my life should I attempt reconciliation with my wife, but I know that keeping any form of contact with her will be a no-no. She's no snot-rag, or anyones doormat. We both started dating with our eyes open, and she's handled this far better, and with more maturity and logic than I dare say anyone here ever could, esp based on some of the posts.

I know this goes against MB principles, but one person cannot save a marriage... but they can certainly prolong it, dragging it out ad infinitum, at tremendous emotional, physical and financial expense. But when you reach the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, you have to take responsiblity for your own happiness.

I would love nothing more than for the Haitian guy from the TV show 'Heroes' to sweep in, suck all memories of the past 2 years from both mine and my spouse's minds, and allow us to start working on our marriage from that point. But thats just not possible.

Anyone out there that has actually gotten through this? Anyone out there that is with their spouse post-affair that is happier, more satisfied, more content with life than before? Or is it going to be a continual look over the shoulder, examining cell records, emails etc for the rest of my days?? Thats what I want to know, is it possible to get over and beyond this to better times??

So can we stop attacking, and start supporting and advising?

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Originally Posted by lousygolfer
Introvert:

Since you have only been here for 6 weeks, you should be careful about wading into this.

The BS can date before the D is final. But they LOSE so much by making that decision. The moral highground as it was.

This is a line from FL_B today:

Quote
that was the reason for my post... how CAN I go back? How CAN I trust her again? How CAN I climb in bed with a woman that has been sleeping with another man for over a year?

HIS WW can now say the same thing. "How can I go back to someone who has been sleeping with another woman for 6 months."

Yes, he ending it with his OW.

Once his WW said she wanted to try again.

So, FL_B was using his GF for whatever girl-toy purposes he wanted, just like his WW was using her OM.

Maybe in FL_B's case, his "finding" a new GF was enough to push WW to re-commit to the M. That's a possibility. And her A was getting to the two year mark, and LIVING together certainly made WW see what a prince that OM was.

So, maybe WW would have been coming around anyway. But NOW FL_B has to recover his M with the additional baggage that HE has brought to the M.

Introvert, I'm not saying that you are WRONG. If BS's want to date before the D is final, they can. They don't have to get locked in a room until the WS releases them. But the relief that that "dating" brought was temporary, it created additional hurdles in the recovery process, and unnecessesarily hurt others. But if the BS is DONE. Then they can date. But you BETTER be DONE.

FL_B: If you think that the M is headed towards recovery, please book the August MB weekend in Minnesota and get your WW on the plane. The may also schedule one in FL later this year or early next year. Please look into it.

LG

This is where I disagree. What recovery process? WW was living with another man for a year!!!!

I think that there cannot be any "set" rules for this. I agree that the BS has to be ready, and has to follow the rule of Radical Honesty, but if those 2 things are followed, who is anybody to tell a BS they can't follow the pursuit of happiness? That's all I'm saying. It's almost like some people here think that the day the ink had finally dried on the divorce papers, all the feelings of hurt, betrayal, and lack of trust are all of a sudden magically lifted. It doesn't work like that. What difference does it make if the papers are final?


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Originally Posted by introvert
I agree with the points about not dating other people if you are not ready. But, nobody here is in the position to judge whether he was ready or not!!!!!!!...D or no D. He's the only one that can be the judge of that. Just to automatically assume that EVERY BS on Earth is incapable of starting a relationship with someone else before the D is final, is complete nonsense.

You may want to say "well, he isn't ready, he is still thinking about his WW".....well, I think it's safe to say that ANYONE HERE, AT ANY GIVEN TINE would rahash old memories of their X's....for a LONG time. He hasn't acted on anything with WW, he did the right thing in ending his relationship with GF.....give the guy a break.

This whole..."well you are a BS, so you better put your head in the sand until WE say it's okay to pull it out"....is complete crap.

Any BS's out there.....if you are in the process of D, and feel you are ready to start dating...date.

Introvert,

This is a Marriage Buidling site, and what you just said contradicts what the Harleys teach. You are entitled to your opinion, but I am entitled to tell you that you are wrong.

HE ISN'T IN A MARRIAGE !!!!!

A marriage consists of 2 people.....where is the 2nd person in his "marriage"?......living with OM !!!!!!!

THE MARRIAGE WAS ENDED BY HER !!!!!......no piece of peperwork will change that.



"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

Henry David Thoreau
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