Of course I want it to work but it seems like everything has gone too far to save it. Or at least that seems to be WH's stance. I keep holding on to hope and getting my heart broken every step of the way. He's treating me with no respect, he has no remorse and he seems to care less whether our marriage works. He hates that I filed for divorce because by the time all is said and done he will have no savings and have a huge debt. Plus when I filed for divorce he lost a lot of control. Though everytime he talks to me he tries to squeeze as much control out of me as possible by hurting me and manipulating me.
Plus for all I know he's still seeing the OW and having his way with her and making fun of me with her to boot.

I TOTALLY, understand and know these feelings and thoughts. I do, and for that matter so does everyone else on here, well almost everyone else.

You have suffered a tremendous trauma at the hands of the one person who promised to love, honor and cherish you all the days of their life.

But as you read on here, they are an ADDICT. All they care about RIGHT NOW is there next FIX. They will say, do anything that is hurtful to you or anyone else who gets in the way of that next FIX.

If you want your M and are willing to do the work, I promise you there are people on here who can help you form a strategy, plan and road to walk. It won't be easy, you will have to open up to what they say and trust.

Don't LISTEN to HIM. He is a MONSTER who is not YOUR husband. He is a wayward and they are dangerous, they are selfish, self-centered and will do stuff that absolutely blows you away.

I SWEAR to you, I understand and know this. We aren't different on here, we all have our stories and have walked through the pain. SO MANY have recovered their M when it looked hopeless. These marriage builder principles are amazing.

You can do this. It is NEVER too far.

kdis, we can't help you if you aren't going to listen to us. Did you even read my posts?

I thought I answered everything. I haven't told his mom I don't talk to her. I told his dad and a few of his friends know. I don't know what else to do.

I'm going no contact again and plan to only talk to WH about the kids and finances. This is also what my lawyer told me to stick to but I went against her advice last night and this morning since I decided to confront H about his actions.

Our lawyers will be getting H a visitation schedule to see the kids so he no longer gets to come as he pleases. This will help with keeping our contact to a minimum. He's really deep in the fog and in lala land with his mistress. I can't fight that so I'm going to focus on gaining my self respect back and my children.

did you read my previous posts?

Going no contact is not a good idea. He will just be glad to be rid of you because you just gripe at him. Did you read any of my posts about being strategic and trying to attract him back?

I just don't understand why I should be kissing his butt and trying to lure him back. He screwed up, not me he should be begging for me to come back but he's not. He's still screwing the OW. How in the world is that suppose to make me feel? Like I want to go and enjoy a nice night out with him? Hell no. I want my marriage but I don't want to be a doormat and let him have his cake and eat it to and I feel that's exactly what I'll be doing if I start being nice to him. I'm sorry I'm just really hurt right now. It hurts so bad I can barely function.

Try to compare it to being diagnosed with a chronic disease. It will never go away (the pain), but you have two choices: give in to it (divorce) and let it consume you, or decide to fight (keep your H) and take the steps necessary to have as good a life from hereonout as you can. Sure, it's not the life you expected, but it's what you got dealt. So what are you going to do with it?

The steps described here - Plan A, being the best choice out there for him so that when the fog lifts he'll see you for what you are and what you've done to save the marriage; or Plan D, where it feels good momentarily to say screw you, but you sacrifice the rest of your possible life with him.

The steps are clear: expose the affair, make yourself the most wonderful person on the planet, take the high road, and practice patience. It may not work for every marriage, but it's the best chance you've got.

So do you want him back or not?

gotcha, I am sure the OW appreciates your help. Your actions help the affair, not your marriage.

Having a tried, true and tested Plan of Action is what got me through this mess. It can help you too...please believe me...

IMO, Once you can accept that your H is a wayward space cadet...you will be able to absorb the other stuff. This isn't your H!!!

My H is extremely embarrassd by his foggy behavior, and he has thanked me several times for pulling myself together and doing Plan A. He says I saved him from himself.

You have a great opportunity here. You have one of the best vets(Mel) helping you with your Plan. Please try your very best to pull yourself together and follow the plan. Just take it one step at a time.

kdis, you are not using your brain. Let me ask you a question. If you are trying to get the crack away from the buzzed up crackhead do you shriek recriminations at him or do you strategically lure him into the treatment center with promises of a better life?

Have you noticed that your methods are not working?

Which would you be more attracted if you are a man:

1. a raging, shrieking wife who calls me names and tells me what a bum I am

2. an adoring little twit who admires me and treats me like a king

which would you choose?

He hates that I filed for divorce because by the time all is said and done he will have no savings and have a huge debt.

Well, BOO-HOO!!! Who made the choice to have the affair? Consequences of adultery, my friend.

Plus when I filed for divorce he lost a lot of control.

Yeah? This is a GOOD thing. For YOU.

I recently spoke to my husband and he said I've been horrible lately. How could I not be though? He is having an affair!
Anyway, I called him and told him I'd like to be civil to each other and stop arguing with one another. No idea if it's going to work but I'm trying.

So how do I implement plan A?

Are you ready to listen to us?

OK

ok, I am not going to write everything all over again, so please read the other posts on this thread. Here is an outline of Plan A [which should only last 3-4 weeks]:


The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

And you must not falter because it won't be easy to do this. But you MUST do it if you want to do your best to save your marriage. And you CAN. You may THINK you can't, but you CAN!!

Fake it 'til you make it,

Practice, practice, practice!!!

Charlotte

How does Plan A work when I've kicked my husband out of the house and he refuses to move back in? Supposedly he's going to be renting an apartment soon. He's taking my daughter to look at a few places tomorrow. I just called him and I was calm and collected. He said we could hang out and talk tomorrow night we haven't done that yet since I've been avoiding him.

And as far as the stick part of Plan A. Whenever I bring up the affair my husband gets mad and retaliates by saying there was no affair and he never had sex with the OW. I don't buy it. He also tells me he hasn't had contact with her which I don't buy either.

Thanks for your help

Did you get that info on the OW I suggested?

I have lots of info on her already. Not her parents phone number but everything else. I've contacted her a couple times to but that gets me nowhere. She just rats on me to myhusand that I contacted her and my husband gives me an earful

What happened when you looked her up on the links I gave you? What info do you have on her? what is her husbands name? What are her parents names?