I have been on this site awhile, read the books etc... I am working on things with my own marriage. But one thing that always plays through my head when reading posts here and other sites.

What really is a recovered marriage?

Is it a marriage where everyone is content?
A marriage where everyone does not stray?
A marriage where divorce papers are never filed and you just stay together?

Basically to the folks where what makes for a recovered marriage?

Assuming we're talking "Recovery", as in recovery from adultery, I would say it's when the WS has committed back to the marriage and has agreed to NC of the OP FOREVER. And then of course both spouses are committed to following Harley's principles in their marriage for life.

Jo

I think that will be different for different people. It is a very subjective question. hu, are you concerned about the recovery of your own marriage? What is the state of your own marriage now?

What are you working on in your own marriage? Has there been an affair? What can we help you with?

It is more of a general question then anything else. I get curious about what people think on subjects.

The reason I found this site in the first place is I as a WS. The A took care of itself and here is a NC etc.... The fog has lifted and I am working to make my marriage better with my spouse.

We are working diligently on meeting each others EN's, which is making a huge impact. But of course the are still the up and down days.

But I am not really sure what a recovered marriage means. You see people talk about constantly making the marriage better. My first goals are to be content and not want to leave. Then anything that happens after that is good. I originally stayed because of our child, the fact I stayed and did not leave is that recovered?

Or is it just so subjective of an idea that there really is no answer?

I've read some of your postings, and now its clear where your bizarre perspective is coming from.

Happy justifications to you.

Not to pick a fight but bizarre because my perspective is not the "norm" around here?

The fact I blame myself and my spouse for our issues instead of the OP is considered "bizarre"? I would think that is more constructive then blaming someone else.

hu, how does your H feel about the state of your marriage NOW? Does he feel you are in recovery? Have you done the necessary things to repair the damage from your affair? For example, have you earned his trust? Have you justly compensated him by ending all contact with your affair partner, answering all his questions and doing all the correct things to affair proof your marriage?

While your spouse can take some of the blame for the state of the marriage, you must take 100% of the blame for the decision to have an affair. Have you done that?

Seems like its getting pretty "foggy" out this afternoon.

My guess is your BS has a different perspective to yours, assuming they even know of your adultery.

Also, when was the affair and how long has it been over? When was the last time you had contact with the OM?

Actually I am the H. :-)

Yes there is a NC and we are working on the things to correct and affair proof the marriage. I wish I would've found this site/books before I ever started anything because then I would've never strayed. I would've talked and worked out our issues a long time ago. I take the blame for the affair don't blame my wife for it. Did during the affair but not now. Yes we share the blame for setting the table for the affair to happen. Actually most of the fault is mine for not talking.

Is that considered a recovered marriage? Or on the road to recovery?

Here's a good article about forgiveness and Just Compensation that describes the steps it takes to recover from an affair. Do you feel you have taken these steps?


Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Affair lasted 3.5 years ended this past February.
Have not had contact since that time.

Gotcha. It will take your wife anywhere from 18 months to 2 years to recover. That is the average. Sometimes longer.

How is she doing?

We are actually doing better then we ever have. That is what really prompted my post in the first place. You read about recovery and successful marriages after affairs, what defines successful.

How about sending her here and letting us help her through this? How is she doing PERSONALLY?

Personally fine.

Sure I can direct her here why not.

My H had an Ea with a co-worker. Because he would not acess any blame to OW I was infuriated. This, to me, seemed like loyalty to her. It may not even be genuine, but toss your wife a bone...at least know that some of the blame has to fall on the head of the OW. I'm guessing she knew you were married and still continued a lengthy affair. And, top it all off, you have a child. I'm sorry, I'm probably not very good at remaining impartial, but this OP shares some responsibility for the fragile state of mind you W is in. She willingly contributed to her pain...for this I have little sympathy. That's just my take. I wait for the day my H seems angry at her. It may never come as he blames himself, but she knew what she was doing and she knew who she was doing it to. Disgusting.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I second what Fiori says about the OP having some of the blame. They have just as much ability to say no to an affair as the spouse. I blame the OW just as much as my H...it's just easier to work through the blame with H. We haven't focused on OW's blame at all because it's inconsequential. Now if H started to DEFEND her...I would have a problem.

The only time it might not be true is if the married person lies to the OP and the OP doesn't know they are married...I'm sure it happens.

hicktownmommy and Fiori

What you are discussing really fits into the other thread where I was discussing the OP. Why blame on them and their morals is really misplaced.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2085419#Post2085419

Although Fiori I will say you make a very good argument as to why the OP has blame. One I had actually not considered before. I had thought really only about the beginning of an affair not the continued damage caused by the WS and OP being together.

But actually both of you sound like you have recovered? If so what was is your definition of a "recovered" marriage?

hu,

I'm here to tell you that your Betrayed Wife is likely not doing well personally.

She is probably trying to make you feel good, doing a good Plan A instinctively, in order to preserve the remnants of her marriage. She is probably devastated in self-esteem, spying on you behind your back, and has lost all of her trust and respect for you.

She is just a few months out from d-day, and believe me, is NOT doing "just fine" personally.

No way.

My guess here is that you are just no longer talking about the affair, and so YOU think everything is peachy.

You've probably told her that you're done talking about it, that you've told her "everything" (translation - everything you think she needs to know, or that you're willing to share), and that she needs to focus on the future now. Get over it, because if the marriage is going to move ahead, then she needs to stop focusing on the affair and start focusing on meeting your needs and things will be better.


The idea that you posted here and say that you basically stayed in the marriage for the child really sticks in my throat.

Your wife actually has the choice here - not you. Because YOU broke the vows, SHE has the reason to divorce - biblically and morally. You sound as though your wife is beneath you, and you are handing her some great prize by staying with her.

Gee. You are no great prize. You are a wayward man who cheated on her and then you tell her that you are "staying for the child".

I would have told you - no thanks, because that is NOT a reason for me. You stay to LOVE ME and HONOR ME and RESPECT ME. You show no signs of respecting nor understanding your wife, her pain, or anything toward even recognizing what even

MIGHT be going on in her heart.


What is recovery? You are not on the road yet.

I don't see the signs of any appreciation of what you have done to drop the nuclear bomb in this marriage, no true appreciation of what you have done to your wife, no true understanding of the OW's role in the devastation of the marriage, and only a superficial movement toward understanding of the Harley Basic Concepts.


So now that I gave you the 2X4 you sorely and richly deserved, I will post a helpful bit of information regarding what it means to be recovered. You need it.

By the way, please consider yourself honored. You are one of only a handful of people I have hit with a 2X4 on the boards. Somehow I think you just might be able to be helped.

And yeah, get your wife here. Because she needs help - and you are a knucklehead.

SB