Thank you to both of you!

Today is a new day and I'm going to grab it head on!
Happy 4th.

You know I have a DIRTY MIND, Fi..

Well, ok...there's that too! As soon as the kiddies go to bed and the inlaws go home!!

I was referring to YOUR COMMENT about "GRABBING IT", etc... ... LOL....You are the one that said it...

ETA: "GRABBING" can occur without others knowing about it...

Ahhh....I thought you might have been referring to 'the head' part of the phrase! See, my mind is dirty too!

I WAS referring to THAT PART of the PHRASE...LOL...

Right now I'm not really looking for answers...just a place to let out my feelings...which are NOT good. These past 10 days have been very stressful to my relationship with H as a result of his job. Not because of OW, simply because there have been really big problems at work and they had to assemble an emergency response team to fix the troubles and he headed it up. Normally this would be very frustrating for me, but now that OW has entered our lives it has become unbearable. H has worked at his job for many, many years and his dedication and loyalty are without compare. However, this is the venue in which he was able to 'connect ' with the piece of crap and it frustrates me when he's late coming home 10 days in a row. Not just an hour or two...he does not show up til 10 or 11pm. Of course, I have visions of hot dates swirling in my head. Anyway, he calls repeatedly from his desk phone so he can show me that he is where he really says he is. I truely appreciate this, but it's not enough to totally quell my fears. So, flash forward to this weekend. As usual, there were 'major' troubles that only HE could fix. Amazing how that's always the case. He works for a major corporation and he's always the ONLY one who is capable of fixing an issue. So, last night the system was down...not his fault but problematic if he needs to run a job. He sheepishly asks if I mind if he goes 1/2 hour into Center city to manually run the job, as the network is not allowing him access from home. I respectfully decline. I never actually said NO, but I did tell him that it was his choice but that it did not make me comfortable considering it was a Saturday night and OW still works at the same company and I did not trust that she would not either show up on her own or make covert plans. He swears there has been absolutely NO contact at all since February. Only one of us believes this to be true. I really have no proof about this, just fear. He lied so many times before, how do I know he's not lying now? Anyway, he gives in and stays home. But, knowing him, I realized he was egging his way into getting there some time either today or tonight. Sure enough, it's 10:15 on Sunday night and he's on the way into CC to manually start this job. Says it will make his day much easier tomorrow if this particular part of the process can complete over night. Ok, so I'm thrilled his day will be easier...I will suffer from intestinal distress and fear. I hate the way my heart beats out of my chest. I feel as if I have absolutely no control. My sister just broke up with a new boyfriend because he did not make her feel special. H says to me..."wow, your sister probably would have kicked me to the curb years ago!". Hmmm....if you recognize your shortcomings, don't you change them? Sorry, I got off topic a bit. Anyway, I just needed to settle myself by dumping this here. I have to admit, I did tell him that if he saw OW there not to bother coming home. I cannot go through another year like this again.

Has anyone heard of EMDR? I think those are the letters. May be in a different order. Anyway, IC suggested it as a way to erase bad thoughts and help me to move forward. I'm not sure I will be able to do it on my own. Sadly, though, our insurance does not pay for any type of individual or family counseling until January. I am trying to hold on til then so I can get some real help to erase my memory. I'm thinking hypnosis. Initially I fought the idea because I thought it was not wise to forget the pain as it would give H an avenue to continue with OW. Ok, I'm rambling now. Sorry to unload. I just needed to get out what was swirling in my head so I can go upstairs and pretend all is well for my boys. Til tomorrow...

Oh, here's a sidebar...
H just called. It's 10:25ish. He has gotten to town and he called to thank me to 'letting' him go. What's that mean?

I didn't know that the OW still works with him. Can't happen. Not acceptable. As long as that is the case, you have every reason to be anxious and will continue to be so EVERYTIME he goes to...

I'm not making excuses, but they no longer work with each other. He had her transferred out of his area last October. She continues to work for the same corporation but are now in different buildings. Still, not far enough away for my taste. He continues to look for a new job. Hopefully she won't follow! Sadly, she seems that desperate. But, there has been no contact since Feb. so we can be hopeful.

((fiori)) So sorry you are going through this.

About the bad feelings...My H has been really busy with his job/orientation and not really meeting my needs... couple that with us not being on the same wavelength in terms of following the MB plan and I almost threw the towel in this weekend so I can relate! (I'll have to update my thread later today)

I don't think is going to help...cuz I think your H working in the same place as OW is going to be too strong of a trigger for you to overcome with therapy, etc.

I will keep you in my thoughts and say a prayer that your H gets a new job soon.

ps. Would snooping such as doing something like dropping in on your H or driving by to make sure OW's car isn't there at night help you to feel better? I could definitely see myself doing that if I was in your position...

I'm going to put a little spin on perspective right now. I am sitting here wondering, sometimes, how I will get through another day wondering if my H will ever really love me the way he used to again. Then, I look out my window and see the tree man drop a 20ft. branch from his crane and it rips the corner of my house off and all the electric and phone lines with it! So, I then, at that moment, realize -- I am alive, I am married, I am loved. It's a little broken right now but it's still ALL mine. Mine to claim both good and bad. Mine to fix with and without help. H is inconsistent, at best. He is attentive one day and moody the next. This is not me, this is his job. He has allowed this supposed 40 hour debacle to run his life. And, it has infiltrated his marriage too. Now, I will marinate chicken -- his favorite -- hope the house gets fixed by the tree men and wait for H to come home. The new kitchen cabinets get installed next week and DS $70000 tuition bill is due. But, I am alive, I am married and I am loved.

Disclaimer --- this positive attitude can change on a dime!!

Oh, allow me to add to the craziness...not only did they pull down a chunk of my house, but now I see they chainsawed right through the bottom five planks of my next door neighbor's brand new fence!!! Whoopee! Again...it's not people.

the board seems slow this week...where is everyone?

Here are some random thoughts.
Today I struggle with the lack of speaking with my H. Not that we are arguing, just that he seems to get very caught up while working. I try, really I do, to understand the dynamics of his day. But, I used to work fulltime too and I know that no matter how busy you are you can always carve out 10 seconds to touch base with your loved one and let them know they are on your mind. This doesn't even cross his mind. Time tics by and I get more and more frustrated. If you read a few posts above you'd know that he had to go into the city over the weekend to run a job that was compromised by a system being down. This is a major trigger for me as he used to go into town to work on late nights in the past and I know at least a few times OW was there chugging away with him. He no longer works with or near her but it's still upsetting to me. So, on Monday, he was like the most attentive H ever. I swear he called me hourly just to say he loved me and see how my day was going. Today, NOTHING. Its 12:15pm and still no call. I'm trying to wait it out and just let him have his time at work..maybe the entire city has crashed to the ground and I missed it all because I was cleaning toilets and shopping for dinner! Who knows??? Anyway, I wonder what I'm supposed to do. Do I let it go and when he does finally call act like nothing's wrong? Or, do I let him know I'm disappointed that he's so inconsistent? This stinks because sitting in the building right next door is that dumpy red-head and she's probably ready to pounce!!!
Anyone have ajob in the East Coast to offer a man who is VP of the retirement dept. for a major company? He's in IT and works like a trooper!!! Better yet...anyone on the West Coast have a crappy job to offer a dumpy red-head who probably doesn't even realize this is all still swirling in my crazy head.
Again...I am alive, I am married, I am loved.

I get a nervous feeling too when you describe what he has to do for his job. So much time away from you. I think it's completely normal what you have felt.

If he is at work during the regular day though and you're not hearing from him, he's probably just completely wrapped up in what he is doing. I have days that I am so busy at work, I can't believe half the day has passed by.

Change your routine up some so your mind can be busy and not giving that "OW free rent in your head" as I have been cautioned not to do from caring people on this board.

Triggers.....yucky!

You're doing awesome!

P.S. I posted a reply back to you on my thread.

P.S.S. What happened with the tree falling on your house?

Only,
I'm so glad to have heard from you again. I feel like if we were anywhere near each other we could be friends. Sort of a club I never asked to be in but ended up liking!

Anyway, H's job really has been a thorn in our sides for many, many years. It's only gotten worse once we added the third party to our marriage. REally, a third party has always been there -- the job in general. My H was raised by a single mom who had to work her tail off to make ends meet. She made it very clear to her children that work came first and family second. I, through many head banging sessions, have tried to impress upon H that just because you are bringing in a paycheck does not mean you are providing all that is wanted or needed. She taught him that presence was secondary to $$. They had very little growing up and she taught each of them the value of hard work, I'm just thinking it went a little over the edge. H has to learn that there is a time and place for everything. I'd never expect or ask him to compromise his job security or his pristeen reputation, but there is alot of take and very little give regarding his work. This is one reason he desperately wants another job...long before OW contaminated the force feild. So, once you add the added stress of her possible appearance, an already sour situation become even worse. I try very hard to grin while grinding my teeth. I realize it's a sore spot with H so I try my hardest to be understanding while he has to try his hardest to take of the employee hat and put on the loving husband/father hat. It's a tug of war we may play for a lifetime.

As for the tree...we had a 1/2 dead oak tree between our house and the neighbor's. They did not want the tree men walking on their lawn (don't ask) so the tree men used a cran to cut the large tree into six sections. A crane hauled it over our house and into the waiting chipper truck on my driveway. Too bad the first section slipped out of the pully. It was an accident...no one got hurt. And, I think they slipped us a bonus. The bill came today and it was actually the exact same amount as the estimate!! We were half expecting a $500 increase when they had to use the crane. It's still way too much money...but it wasn't more!

My goal for this weekend is to have an A-free weekend. I'd like to not discuss anything at all about feelings, fear, dishonesty or any dumpy red-heads. Hopefully she cooperates by not calling here! It's been since February (to my knowledge) so we'll see what happens. H is going out with a 'head-hunter' tonight to a pro baseball game. He does not usually go out on what we consider to be 'family' night, but we're both hoping he'll get a chance to pick this guy's brain as to what is available in his feild in the area. Wish us luck!

That sounds promising.

I hope you have a terrific weekend.

Interestingly, I believe that my H's experience as a child caused him to live in a place of "scarcity". He is always "hoarding" things because his parents did not always have things. They lived a life where they either had ALOT or they had nothing.

My parents taught me to work hard and I've always been the primary bread winner in both marriages. When we did the EN questionnaire last, I moved FS to my top 5. I told him that he has 4 years (until my youngest graduates high school) to get a degree and be the primary income of our home. I said, it's time to switch places. You want me to give more DS and this is how it can be done. He was like...."ok then..."

I've always been willing to have the high paying job in order for us to have the "toys" that he wants. But I have sacrificed alot and now that I see how much he holds it against me that I don't do more around the house, it's time for him to take on that role so that I can meet his EN of DS. Make sense?

I will pray that your H gets another job. I feel for you being in your situation. But from what it sounds like, he is out of the FOG and withdrawal. Is that accurate?

You can email me anytime.

Take care.

Now that's the $6million question...Is he out of the fog?
He says he is...some days I wonder. But, I'm not sure if it's my paranoia or reality. Tonight I'm spooked by his baseball game. I was out trying on bathing suits and was irritated that he never called all day. But, once I got home I see that he did a few times. The cell phones do not work in the dressing room of Macy's and I was in there a loooonnnngggg time. Fortunately I did not say anything to him.
Isn't it funny how our parents can mold what we do as adults? I'm not a real believer that we do things because of how we were raised. My dad was a total dud. Actually, he was simply a mean person. But, I choose to NOT be mean. Who knows, maybe it's just not my personality, but it's a conscious choice. I refuse to pin every bad thing that happens to me on my parents. I suppose I did that with H...it was really just a reference.
Well, good luck with your weekend too. We have alot of work to do as we're prepping our kitchen for the installation of new cabinets that I've been waiting a very long time for. I'd like to be excited about it, but somewhere deep, down inside I'm afraid that once the kitchen is finished H will have his guilt removed (we've lived in a state of construction since the beginning of his EA) and will leave. We've discussed this and he says I should not give that any thought...but it's not easy. See, that wench found a way unknowingly to ruin my new kitchen too!!!

Here's another thought...
H called around 4:30 to let me know that he no longer planned on going to Baseball game. When I inquired as to why...he told me it was because he was getting a bad vibe from me. I quickly told him that this was not acceptable. I wanted him to make proper choices and that did not include babysitting him for the rest of our married life. I did not want him to be excluded from activities just because I am afraid. The point was that he had to make the right choice...either go to baseball game with person planned or go on a date with OW. There was clearly only one correct choice. He assured me that he was going with planned person and I said.."ok, then no problem". I also indicated that I appreciated his consideration. Really, what I wanted to say was..."But, if I find out you were really on a covert meeting with that piece of crap person...don't bother coming home!!!" I refrained. Really, I don't believe he's seeing her and I totally am comfortable with him going with this man as he can help with job opportunities. I'm mostly jealous because other than going to the beach, this is my other most favorite activity -- pro baseball games!