Yeah, I think that is part of what I am struggling with - how to be in the world without the person I've been with for the last 34 years. It just doesn't feel "right."

Maybe that is why I feel best when I'm home - my healing is taking place here. Hadn't thought of it that way before. I just know that I'm happier here than I was in my old, big house alone with a lying and cheating H. I would never go back to that time.

You're right Mimi, I know that 10 months is not long enough. I don't know if I have long enough left on this earth. Probably not. This will leave wounds and scars that will impact the rest of my life, which at 53 may not be all that long. Anything can blow at this age - I have a lot of miles on me after all of this crap that I've been smothered in.

I'm 53, too...

I'm feeling some of the same way you are feeling..living here WITH my husband...

A PART of it is our AGE and STAGE...

I've grown to LOVE NESTING and BEING at HOME...

BUT..LET'S MAKE THESE YEARS THE BEST EVER...

NO MATTER WHAT!!!

I've always been somewhat that way Mimi. I've never been a party person at all. I'm more the "quiet dinner at a very nice restaurant" kind of person. And I do enjoy my house - always have. I've always loved decorating, cooking etc. We had just gotten the other house where we wanted it when this A started. We had remodeled the kitchen with all high end things (pro range etc), put in a greenhouse, landscaping, screened porch, etc. I loved all of those things until everything blew up. My condo doesn't have all of those things, but it has other qualities that are important right now.

I'd love to make these my best years ever, but I'm struggling with how to do it. I guess what I have to deal with is that I liked being married, I liked having someone to share my life with, I liked the life partner aspect of it, I liked being part of a team with a common goal, I liked being a family, I liked...well I could go on and on. It's coming to terms that all of that is gone and I have to make a life alone now.

Hi CL,


... like you, CL, being married for me also answered numerous needs... and so...NOT being married means MANY needs are not being met...

...Plan B serves several purposes...

..although WS has already done a lot of damage, it allows BS to cut contact with what has become a 'hurtful' source, and is only a means to LIMIT the potential of ADDITIONAL damage if contact is maintained!

...Plan B also allows BS not to act too quickly (and possibly only react)and therefore helps BS AVOID having future regrets as BS allows WS time to RETHINK his options ( and a taste of living out 'in reality' his fantasy, with BS totally out of the picture)

...and during Plan B, BS tries to HEAL the wounds, consider making personal CHANGES, and learn about the elements of a healthy relationship and making HEALTHY choices, so as to AVOID, as much as one possibly can, a similar situation occurring in the future...

...at this point, I hear you are questioning whether or not, given a choice NOW, you would choose to consider a reconciliation with WS... as you SHOULD!

...it's part of the process...

...and yes...all this takes time... but please, CL, do not GIVE UP on your dream to share a life with someone in the future, if that's what you want... and at this point, it MAY BE WS or it MAY NOT...and it may be alone IF no one FITS the bill!

...and YES, it's hard...

...but can you think of anything else that's worth working hard at making better than our ONE life?

((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))))

Luna,

Yes, I am beginning to head down the path of indifference at the moment. Don't know if this is a phase or if it will be a permanent state for me. The little love that I had left seems to be getting buried deeper and deeper every day. He is becoming such a stranger that I almost forget what he looks like. Very weird.

My daughter keeps arguing with me over this, which is causing me a lot of frustration. She keeps telling me that I should call WH, he's not with OP, blah blah blah. Says that he tells her that he is hurt because I didn't call when he was in the hospital, etc. I'm still sticking to Plan B though. Whether she is telling the truth or just trying to manipulate us I don't know. I just know that any attempt at R has to come from him because that is what I need now. I know myself well enough to know that he has to make the attempt or I would never be able to try hard enough to make it work. I just don't do second choice well, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I've had encounters with three other females over the last week who have gone through this. All three said that their WH's are still with the OP after several years. One said that her FWH married the OP who was 20 years younger, and he is now 63 and suffering the aches and pains of the typical 63 year old. Bad knees etc. Anyway, the younger wife (FOW) came home drunk recently and beat him up. The FBW got a little bit of satisfaction from the story because she said that they were M 35 years with 3 kids and that they never fought. I guess a lot of A's do last but don't turn out to be the bliss that they anticipated.

All such a waste....

Nice post, Luna.

CL, I feel your pain. I wouldn't worry too much about the indifference. That sounds completely typical, and if it turns out to be permanent, so be it. My guess is that it isn't. Either way, not your worry. Take care of yourself.

And stick to your guns with your daughter. You reached out and were rebuffed. He knows that you're still receptive. Plus, how does your daughter know that he's not lying to her?

You're right. It's all such a waste. I wish I knew when things would get better. I know that I'm much better than I was a year ago, but there's still room for improvement. You'll get there, too.

Queenie,

Thanks for checking up on me. I haven’t been around much due to a couple of things. One, I haven’t had much to update, two, I’m trying to comes to terms with the phase that I’m going through, and three, my head started to hurt from thinking about this stuff so much. I needed to get away from it because it was consuming me day and night, and I was just sick to death of the whole thing. I think my lunch with DD on Mother’s Day threw me into a new realm. Will try to explain.

When DD26 and I had lunch on MD, we argued (I think I posted about it). WH came to see her and she said that he could hardly walk. She began blaming me for everything. She said WH told her I broke HIS heart (I didn’t go when he had the attack) and blah blah blah. He told her he was not with OP and that he only had to go back there because she had something of his, and he had to see a good friend whose fiancé died. Sounded like fogspeak – all of it.

Anyway, as I kept thinking about all of this, the realization of what WH had done came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. Not that any of this was new, it's just that it hit me differently this time for some reason. I realized that he totally had another life that I was not part of and neither was our DD. He spoke of the friend once in a while, and I knew that the friend there owned a business. Anyway, I later Googled the business and found the friend’s full name, then Googled the name. I came up with an obituary, and sure enough the friend’s fiancé did die – but last year! - when we were supposed to be in recovery!

He never told me any of this. He also never told me that OP had anything of his. I’m sure there was a lot that he didn’t tell me and a whole lot more that I would never know. So that’s when it hit me – this second life of his took place 1000 miles away and whether we tried to recover or not, there would be so much that I would never know because I knew that he would never tell me. Something happened that day which hasn’t changed much – I began to hate him. Suddenly, so many things that I tried to shut out of memory came flooding back in detail.


Right before I found MB (6 months after Dday ) I decided to call OP. It’s one thing that I’m glad I did because I found out a lot of the truth behind this. WH told her we were D’d, they lived together etc. WH did not deny all of this so I know it was true. Anyway, I started recalling a lot of the conversation that I had blocked out of my mind. I started recalling things like the Thanksgiving before Dday where he told DD and me that he missed his flight. I looked back and realized that he was actually sitting at OP’s table with her and her family passing himself off as her future fiancé who was D’d from his wife. This while I was having dinner with my elderly Mother and the rest of my family explaining that WH missed his flight and there was not another one. Then I thought of how she told me that right before she got involved with him, he took a skanky broad back to his hotel room with him and then he claimed that the skanky broad raped him. Uh huh. There were a bunch of other things too that all started to fall in place once I thought about them.

The bottom line is that I started to hate him. I can’t get out of my mind what kind of person can do this sort of thing to a spouse that they have been with for so long.

So…I have felt done at this point. I think that I now want a D to get this all over with because I don’t know that I can ever get beyond it. The A is one thing, but the depth of the lies and betrayal is another. Does it all make sense? I decided that I needed to get away from it, quit letting it consume me 24 hours a day, and being on MB made me think about it too much. Maybe we all get to that point sometime during the process, I don’t know. I just want it all to go away.

Most days I’m set on personal recovery and getting on with things, but there are days that I’m still overcome with sadness because 35 years of my life seem as though they never happened. I wake up in the morning to an empty house, then I realize that I’m M. What? To whom? I don’t know. Some person that I don’t even know. A stranger. Very scary. The sense of loss sometimes is hard to accept because I’ve lost my H and I’m losing my only child in the process as well. Honestly, I don’t think she will live past 20. The drugs are killing her.

As for DD, no change there really. I’ve limited contact because it us useless to talk with her anymore. The addiction changes their personality and she is one angry person. Always ends up with her telling me what a bad parent I am, blah blah blah. Their way of causing guilt to try to get money for drugs. I feel as if my whole life is a lie – lies from WH, lies from her. I keep thinking that she’ll hit bottom, but no. Jail? No, not the bottom. Being evicted and losing all of her clothes, furniture, and having her dog taken to the pound to be put down. Bottom? No, not the bottom. Having no place to live and having to live with anybody who will take her in a disgusting roach and rat infested place. Bottom? No, not the bottom. For some, the bottom is 6 feet under, and that’s something I have to come to terms with.


As far as the D. I have heard nothing for almost 3 months. Here I am with absolutely nothing signed, not even an LSA. I’m going to look at getting a new atty because mine just isn’t fighting for me. I’m struggling to support myself – WH has not given me one dime to help. We asked for proof of what he has given OP, and he is dragging his feet on it. I believe that he doesn’t want me to know the truth, which also makes be believe that there is still a lot he is hiding. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if more shoes begin to fall. My bucket is ready and I’m sure that they stink.


I’ve been working my business alone because I can’t afford otherwise, and I’ve also taken a part time job in the evenings to help. So I’ve been routinely putting in 16 hour days. It’s killing me for sure. I was at least able to make my bills this month, but at a physical price that I don’t know if I can pay for long. I’m too old for this. I have an MBA, but what it amounts to is that I’m lucky to net out at minimum wage. I may have to look at giving up the business here soon if something doesn’t change.

So as I enter my 11th month in Plan B, this is my update. The one thing that I am reasonably sure of is that Plan B was the right thing to do for me. Looking back, I know that had I not done this, I would still be in that big house alone most of the time while WH would have continued lying and sneaking around to keep both the M and the A going. I’ve realized that his hostility over all of this is that I forced a choice that he was never going to make. Didn’t want to make it. He WANTED BOTH. Sorry, but it didn’t work for me. I hope he’s happy (we’ll not really but it sounds good).

I’m leaving now for a movie and dinner with a couple of friends. This is hard too. I miss doing things with my spouse, my life partner, but that person doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe someday I will find that again, but for the immediate future I need to continue to let time allow me to heal this wound. After 35 years, I’m sure that it will take a lot of time so I need to sit back and let it happen.

Thanks for listening to the newest postition on the roller coaster ride from h3ll. It's close to being done now.

Hi CL,

I was wondering how you were doing. Thanks for the update. Don't think you will be surprised to know that I 'hear you loud and clear'...

The list of losses is long for BSs, and in your case, you are also dealing at the same time with the R with your daughter... which is why it becomes important TO DO, no matter how small the gesture, SOMETHING to take care of ourselves EVERYDAY....

So...I was glad to see that your post ended with your plan to meet up with a friend... reconsider your attorney with the intention to have better financial protection from WS...that must be really worrisome for you!

...and if Plan B is 'uneventful' at some level...that's GOOD! ...it's what allows BS to take the small steps necessary to not only stop the bleeding...but to start healing the wound....

...and if putting some distance from MB might help, fine... keeping in mind we're here for support whenever you think you need it... as you can see...Plan B can still be a rollercoaster of some sort... because it does involve an assessment process... attempts at modifying 'old' unhealthy behaviour on our part...all unchartered new territory...which can be scary sometimes (at least it is for me!).... so please do come and share...if for anything else, to help you remember that you are not alone in this journey...inspite of the variations.... many of us are on the same path.

Take care, CL.

(((((((((((((CL)))))))))))

Thanks Luna,

Well, just shoot me. DD is pregnant - AGAIN. She lost the last one. Somedays it is all overwhelming. She can't take care of herself, much less a child. The father is the same one - career addict who makes living by theft. UGH. It just baffles me, it really does. People who know her are surprised that she is still even alive. A bright young woman with a college degree. I just don't get it.

Since I haven't seen one dime from WH, I'm working about 14 hours everyday to try to meet my bills. I'm getting very tired. I'm off on Sunday but I have trouble getting out of bed. Now this.

In addition, my brother had a heart attack, and my Mom may have more cancer and she's too old for any surgery. I've lost my H, and now I fear losing the only other 3 people in my life - my Mom, brother and daughter. I have visions of going through three funerals - one right after the other. It's a really scary thought.

Anyway, thanks for dropping by. Going for a walk with my dog now. She's been having seizures, so I worry about her too.

So sorry to hear this, Chai. It must be really stressful.

Hi CL,

Sorry for the situation you are in, CL... you REALLY have a lot to deal with... and I don't know how you are doing it...but you are!

... I think that your health, both physical and mental, really needs to be your top priority...so please try to take care of yourself as best as you can... and include doing something to pamper YOU, no matter how small a gesture, every day...

(((((((((((((((CL))))))))))))

((((((((((Chai))))))))))

The main point I would like to make to you is this: Chai, there's nowhere to go now. Nowhere but up, that is.

You know that your husband will get his just desserts. And when he does (even though it might be a LITTLE cruel) you can laugh and say I told you so. Mentally, if he decides to come back.

B, Luna, DM, & Karma:

Thanks for stopping by. It helps to know you all are out there. I appreciate the support.

Hey Chai,

I'm right here with you gal. I've lost your phone number and can't call you. Call me ok.

I can't believe what you are being put through, but you are strong and able to walk through it. Come here and post so we can be there for you.

That which does not kill us, makes us stronger. I like the shooting part, only I would aim at WH personally. NOT YOU.

What can we do to help?

Hi CL,

It's been awhile. Thought I'd bump up your thread in case you wanted to let us know how things are with you.

(((CL)))

Hey Q, Luna, and SD

Thanks for checking up.

Nothing much new except somewhat of a Plan B jolt from my DD. She sent me a text last Friday - "Need to talk to you, dad will be in town tomorrow." Oh, those things that rock your Plan B. I didn't call her. I just didn't want to hear anything about WH that would ruin my weekend. She called me Monday and told me that WH came to town, took her to dinner, gave her money etc. Now he'll take off again for months. Anyway, she said that her dad was sick, that he could hardly walk due to a hernia. Not sure how a person can walk around with a hernia though.

Anyway, just hearing about all of this put me into somewhat of a depression. Just when you think you are doing OK - BAM! Then I start to question everything - did I do the right thing by going into Plan B, did I do the right thing by not going when he had the heart attack, am I doing the right thing by staying dark if he is sick again.... On and on and on.....

I try to keep reminding myself that this is his choice, not mine. I'm on the edge of the "done" pool, but I just can't seem to jump in yet. I stick my feet in and think that "yeah, this feels good, go" then someting happens and I back off.

I HATE this emotional roller coaster. This is torture.

I've said all along though, that if there is to be any recovery, the desire has to come from him. I would need that in order to recover myself. I keep thinking of the letter that Jennifer gave me to keep "in case" but I look at you SD and it hasn't worked. I've sent them in the past and nothing either, so I feel that the ball is not in my court anymore. It's more about dignity than pride.

Besides, I have no idea if the A is still active or not. My DD says that he tells her it is not, but I can't really believe anything that either one of them say. I just don't know anything because he basically left the state. Not even sure where he lives now. I haven't heard anything from my atty about this either, so the only thing that I can think is that he is stalling on the D because we asked for proof of marital assets that he gave to OP, and have had nothing for 4 months now. I don't think he wants me to know. I would think that he would want to get it over with.

So, that's my update. Would appreciate some feedback. It's always easier to interpret it from the outside looking in. I'm not sure what to think at this point.

Good afternoon, Chai!

Gosh, I'm not a very good interpreter, to be honest. I see the Karma bus making it's passes. One consequence of your WH's unwillingness to make changes and recover your marriage is that he is alone. He now must deal with all of his ailments on his own. He has no shoulder to cry on, nobody to lean on (unless he IS with OW). We reap what we sow. That is happening with him.



I understand what you are saying. I did most of the DOING when it came to my marriage post A. I wrote the letters, did research on how to save the marriage, made changes to become a better wife/mother/friend. At a certain point, you have to wonder if it's even going to make an impact to take another chance, reach out AGAIN. Also, I understand questioning when you should really bow out of it all, give up, throw in the towel, so that you can have that sense of dignity. I think you CAN have that sense of dignity, even if you DO reach out.

IMO, if YOU want to send the letter, send it. The letter is about what you feel and think, not about your WH, right? Now may be a really good time.

Hi Chai,

IF it's true that the A is over, which is possible, then wouldn't he be less foggy than he was during the A, thus more receptive to a letter from you? Maybe he thinks you hate him. Maybe he thinks he's done too much damage. So do you continue on and end up divorced? Or do you take that one last shot in the dark? If Jennifer advised it, she had her reasons.

Just thinking out loud.

Wow, I can really feel your pain in your writing.

(((Chai)))