I so needed this website when I came upon it tonight. I am sitting here sick to my stomach while my husband of 18 years is supposedly breaking off his relationship with his girlfriend. He moved out last July(07) and we were getting divorced because "we just fell out of love and weren't doing well together". I found out in April(08) that he had been seeing this girl, according to him, since last October. Fast forward a year and I've found out this week that he actually had feelings for this girl before we ever separated, so now I'm feeling that this relationship made it easier for him to leave...she was there waiting for him. In the meantime, when he left he swore there was no one else. Anyway, this week I've learned that they had become friends many months before we separated and then started dating 3 months after he moved out.
Anyway, this week we have really come back around to wanting to try to see if we can work things out to bring our family back together. He is over at her place tonight breaking it off. I tried to get him to do it over the phone, but he said he owed her the respect of doing it in person, so that's where he is. He has his own place now and I've driven over there twice to see if he's home...9 o'clock and then at midnight...he's still out. It absolutely kills me to sit here and hope he has the guts to end it with her and make her believe it is ended for good.
Anyway, now to my question. I've read many of the articles on this site and it's been very enlightening. How do we start working on the recovery stages if we're not living together right now? We have two children that actually think we are already divorced. We told them back last July(07) that we were getting divorced but we have never gone through with the process. There is no way that he can move back home and put the kids through him moving out again if things don't work out. How can we work on it while still living apart. We do spend a lot of time together with the kids. We just went on vacation for 2 weeks and had a great time together. I think that is one of the things that is pushing him away from her as well and back to his family.
I know there's a lot of information here, but I guess my main question is when should he move back home, or if?
Thanks so much
This site is amazingingly helpful!

According to SAA, it's better for him to write a letter to her, let you read, and send it. He shouldn't see her in person to break it off. That's a no-no.

I'm definitely not an expert or a vet, so I will let them give you advice. However, welcome to marriage builders and I'm very sorry that you have to be here.

Yes, I was actually reading through all this tonight as he's over there. I called him this afternoon and asked him to call her instead of going over there, but he didn't argree...It's excruciating waiting and know what's going on. I have been praying all night that God will give him the guidance and wisdom to end it completely and let her know that that's the way it has to be.

Welcome to MB, it's the best place you can be under the horrible circumstances.

We understand your feelings and pain.

Not that it will matter in the long run, but you have to make sure he has broken it off with her. Your strategy for recovery will be the same, I worked a great plan A with WH gone from our home. But you need to completely understand what you are up against.

How can you be sure one way or another of what he has done?

I asked him to, but he said he didn't know how long he'd be and didn't want to call me at 12:30 or have me wondering why he's still not home at a certain time...which is happening anyway. It's now 1:30 and I'm going to run back over. He just lives about 2 minutes from me. I'm going to check on more time and see what his story is tomorrow to see if he's truthful with me.
Thanks for all the support. I so wish I had found this site earlier this week. It has been the week from h...!!!

We are here for you.

Try to remain calm if you run into him. There is so much you can do to recover your M. But there is also so much you can do to hurt it. Walk slowly and with G-d praying for guidance.

Let us know how you are doing.

How can you be sure one way or another of what he has done?

This is my worry as well. He's still not home...I just don't understand why he would need to be over there for so long. I'm not sure what time he went over, but I stopped by on my way home at 9. It's now 1:30. Four and a half-hours to break it off just doesn't make sense to me. Especially since I know that since we've been trying to "work on it" he's been intimate with her. This is just so excruciating. I can't believe this is my life!!

{{{HUGS}}} cmax.
We do understand what you are going thru.
Its hard for you right now, but you need to calm down.
Dont be a crazy woman, it will only make her look more attractive to him.
Do you understand what I am saying?

You can't. His actions are the only thing that will clue you in. What he says really won't matter, it's what he does.

If he has broken it off completely and has no contact with her, you will notice withdrawal symptons. Have you read about them?

What have you read about so far?

How much sleep have you had lately?

Agreed. Just calm down and talk to us. I know that it's hard. I did crazy things to my WH and it just gave him justifications for his actions. You don't want to do that.

Believe me, I've been as calm as I can be this week. My week started out with a letter in my mailbox(I believe from OW) letting me know that he was still seeing her. She has done some very vindictive things that I was hoping would help him realize what type of person she is. I have been very understanding and not confrontational at all. I just feel that I need to make sure he breaks it off with her for good this time. This after he supposedly broke it off with her 2 and a half months ago when we started going back to counseling. I just need to know when he's actually home. I have not been sleeping much this week. He hasn't either. It's been extremely emotional week. I read and listened to a lot of the info on infedelity and it's really good. I have basically been waiting for him to decide what he was going to do.

You don't have to wait to see what he is doing if you want your M. You can start strategizing your Plan A, have you read about that?


Do you know who this OW is? Have you exposed this to anyone?

I did read plan A but need to go back and read more carefully. I do know who she is now, but did not know before. What do you mean exposed this to anyone? The letter? I told him about it and he was not happy about it.

Ezposure is telling everyone that he is having an affair, giving him no safe place to hide.
Affairs thrive in secrecy.
He will be angry, but you can survive that. LAck of feelings kills marriages, so do affairs. Anger does not

See, to him, he's not having an affair. They didn't actually start "dating" until after he had moved out and we had said we were getting divorced. Even though, I've found out now, that there were feelings there before we separated. His response is always, we were moving on and I started a relationship. So should I let people know that he had feelings for her and a emotional relationship?

Can you give a time line so we understand better?

If there were feelings there before, then yes you need to expose. How long did was it going on before you separated?

Sorry if you already said that, I'm a bit foggy brained here at the moment.

Last July we separated after going to counseling and the counselor said that he had emotionally moved on.
The counselor did nothing to help us because he sat there and convinced us both that we needed to move on. We have had our issues, but I could never get him to go to counseling until this point. He was done with the marriage at this point and basically had me convinced that it was the best for both of us because we didn't make each other happy but miserable. We told our two boys that we were getting a divorce. It was devastating for all. At this point, I had no idea someone else was involved. So, he moved out the end of July '07. All the while with me believing we just had grown apart and this is what had to happen.
Well, fast forward to this past April, I found out that he had started dating this girl 3 months after he moved out. I was deeply hurt and decided I needed to go back to see a new counselor. When I started talking to this counselor I just had the feeling that if we had had the opportunity last summer to discuss and work on our relationship things might have been different. I told him this and he agreed to go to counseling with me back in April. He said he broke it off with her and we would work on our relationship. Things really hadn't progressed much, but we ended up taking the kids on vacation for two weeks recently. We were home for a day in between. Anyway, the first week was ok, but the second week we had a great time and actually talked about future vacations we'd like to take the boys on. We just got back on July 3rd. So, this week I got the letter in my mail saying that he is still seeing her. Well, I called him and through much questioning found out that he had actually gone to see her that day we were back and they ended up being intimate with one another. I was devasted and beside myself. He said he went over there because she was very depressed and upset and he never meant for that to happen and he knew it was a mistake. He said he felt himself pulling away from her and that relationship. Through these discoveries I came across some pictures of him at some parties with her before we were separated and finally got him to admit that there were feelings for her months before we separated. He still says there was no intimacy(not sure I belive that).So he actually went to counseling this week with me and has decided that he needs to end it with her so that we can work to see if there's anything left for us. I just don't know how I can trust that he's actually ending it without leaving the door open again. I guess this last time she called him every couple of weeks to see how things were, so there was still communication.
His main motivation at this point is the boys and putting our family back together and seeing if the feelings for me will come back. I just feel like I'm not getting the respect that I deserve and making it too easy for him.
Sorry this is so long...

Just to clarify...
You feel there was an emotional affair while he was still living with you last July?

Cmax,
Sorry you're here but welcolm. None of us ever wanted to be here. It's jokingly refered to as the club no one want s to belong to .


Here's what Dr H has to say:
What you're WH is doing is prolonging the A. He needs to complete seperate and distance himself from OW. This should be done in the form of a NC letter that you view and approve, and you should be the one to mail it, so you can be sure it will reach her.

I would strongly suggest you read the Q&A section on the main pages of this website. They will answer most of your nagging Q's and give you direction.

Your WH's methods, leave you exposed to a continuing A, in spite of the false promises and hope he is giving you. He is still in a major fog, and has no clue.

All Blessings,
Jerry