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Divorced now for 16 months. XH has been threatening suicide on and off for about 3 years now.

In last 3 months the talk has escalated. Folks who know him well say he is just using as a tactic to manipulate me - it works!!

We had a rocky marriage, a rocky separation and a rocky divorce. We have remained in contact - both of us contact each other. I continue to occasionally help him w/paperwork with his business and he helps me w/repair projects when I let him. I don't know what he is doing, i.e. seeing anyone but, I have my suspicions given that SF was always a huge need for him. He had one A first year of our marriage and one during our separation that I know for fact but believe there were 3 others as well.

Anyway, he has started getting rid of things and giving things to me and others (so he says). He is constantly dropping hints, gave me a goodbye letter a couple of days ago and says he can't live life w/o me. I have no way of knowing what he is actually doing b/c all relationships between his family and mine have been destroyed. I was never close to members of his family and the Rs w/his two kids are nonexistent. I've thought about approaching his D and asking her what's going on but know she would probably run back and tell him.

Does anyone have any experience with an X that threatened suicide but never attempted it? How did you handle it? How did you eventually walk away and go into a Plan B?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

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Call a suicide hotline.

1 800 SUICIDE for example should be able to give you some information that could help you deal with your XH and maybe get him to the proper people for help.

I know what I would tell him but that isn't going to be helpful to you.

He is either bluffing and emotionally blackmailing you or he is very serious and just hasn't hit bottom yet.

Either way, he needs psych help.


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He has been threatening same since July 2005. That was the first time, a police report was filed and the entire family was brought into the picture.

Since then he has been very discreet and has only (to my knowledge) made the blatant threats or hints to me. He is in major pain from 4 back and neck surgeries. He has just about bankrupted himself trying to help his adult children. He can't physically do the manual work of the business we started. On so many levels his life is awful but, he plays a major part in where everything is now.

I still love him but don't think we could ever live together again. Too much has happened and too many relationships that affect our marriage (kids, our siblings) have been destroyed by all that has gone on.

He has threatened to move away but now is saying ending it all is the only choice and that his children would be better off with him dead (insurance money).

I fear what he would do to me if the cops showed up on his doorstep plus I think he would tell them that I was just trying to cause trouble. I did call his best friend a couple of times but the friend thought I was trying to cause trouble for my XH so I can't call him again.

He has done this enough times that no one believes that he would do it or believes me when I tell them what he is doing.

He has done a lot of this type of thing since I've known him - very manipulative.

I know that I'm the only one that can do anything about this. Just didn't know if anyone else had dealt with this type of problem and, if yes, how did they handle it.

Also, how to handle backing away and shutting the door. I haven't been able to do it yet. The feelings are still there and it's hard.

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I know that I'm the only one that can do anything about this.

Wrong. He is the only one that can do anything about it.

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Also, how to handle backing away and shutting the door. I haven't been able to do it yet. The feelings are still there and it's hard.

Simple. Just do it. Remove yourself from the equation. He manipulates you because you allow him to.

If you need to go back to the police, do it. If he makes a threatening note, save it. If he leaves a threatening message, save it.

You are all worried about him and all the while he is emotionally abusing YOU. Stop being a volunteer to abuse.



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Ex-princess buttercup dealt with this.

Ba109 has good points. You can have him locked up for 72-hour psych evaluation, but once he's out he still has to deal with his life. He either gets help or he doesn't. You can't force him to.

How do you react when he hints at suicide? Do you react emotionally or with detached objectivity? My guess is you react emotionally, buy into the drama he's creating. Your reaction probably soothes his ego a little. He thinks Oh, she still cares. But, whatever he's getting from you isn't motivating him to get the help he needs.

Therefore, you should change tacks.

"My kids would be better off without me. At least they'd have the insurance." You could respond "Really? I've met your children and they are decent people. I think they'd rather have you, but why don't you ask them?" Or you could respond "Are you thinking about suicide? Do you have a plan? Have you written a note?...You have? Okay, I'm putting you through to the suicide hotline right now. They are better able to cope with this than me. I'm not a professional." And just keep your voice even keeled.

The problem with the depression is it makes you hear fuzzy. So, everyone can be telling you "Get help. We love you, so get help," and all you hear is static. I've found that the few times people have been really direct and hard hitting with me has gotten through better.

I'd also call his family and tell them what's going on. Tell them that he's your ex, and not your responsibility any more. If he calls you threatening suicide, you'll call them, but you won't be involved any more. Obviously, if he's about to jump or has taken pills, you'll call 911, but they don't need to know that. You've been shouldering the burden of the family for a while.


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Why are you afraid of what he would do to you? Was he abusive? Or are you just saying you don't want him to be mad at you? If it's the latter, you really need to assess why you are still in each other's lives. And back off, for both your sakes. You're feeding off each other. If you back off, he won't have you to buy his manipulation and he just may pull out of it on his own.

That said, when I was near suicide, the one thing I did do was start getting rid of my stuff. (oh, the books I threw away!) That's a legitimate step toward suicide. However, he may have just read that somewhere and is trying to be authentic so you'll still listening.

The best thing you can do for him is notify the authorities, take yourself out of the equation.

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When my x threatened suicide, I immediately let his therapist/counselor know...he was prepared to contact the police because he knew what and where the plans were. Notifying the authorities is the way that least sucks you in to the drama. Do his adult children know of their father's condition?

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I believe my "issues" in life keep me involved in his life. I'm a codependent fixer of people.

I have zero contact with any members of his family. He comes from an incredibly disfunctional family and none of his brothers or sisters would really care. No help there.

His two early 20s children - I have no relationship w/them. They are a part of why we are divorced now.

All the stuff he tells me I have no way to check on. He has been threatening this latest time for probably six months. When he first started this about 3 years ago (first time was July 05) it was horrible. I did whatever he wanted me to do to "stop" him from doing it. The first time he left a note where his D would find it. She called the police and all the family and both ex wives - I'm #3. Everyone came to the house and I tried to find him. He came home the next day.

Now, he has done this so many times no one believes him. I called his best friend the first 2-3 times but now I don't call anyone b/c he has done it so many times.

I also don't think that he tells anyone else but me. I may be wrong but don't think so. He TELLS me that he has conversations w/his son about him taking over the business and makes other vague comments but I don't know if that's true.

And, the biggest thing is that I just don't have anyone to talk to to find out if what he is telling me is true.

I am afraid of what he might do to me (more emotional abuse than physical although there were isolated incidents of physical abuse) if I called the police.

I have thought about trying to contact several people to find out what he is actually doing but I haven't yet. I don't know that any of them would be honest and I am afraid that they may go back and tell him that I called them.

I think one of the things that keeps me involved is that I am still emotionally married to him. I only know what he tells me and what he tells me makes me feel sorry for him. His family calls only when they need something, his two kids have just about bankrupted him w/their demands, my D (he adopted) wants nothing to do with him, he has major pain (4 back and neck surgeries), he can't do all the physical labor required of the business we started.


I don't know what his plans are. I do know that he continually has a rifle propped in the corner, lying on the bed, in the back seat whenever he's doing this and knows that I may be around. He has done this forever.

I know that he is extremely manipulative - geez I'm worry about him but I'm the one that needs help!!!

Before he started threatening suicide again he was threatening to move away and take a job in another state. This has now fizzled and he didn't take the job (so he says). He supposedly went to another state to take a test for one job and took pictures of the state signs and sent to me via text message with a nasty message about it all being my fault.

Anyway, I don't know if he would actually go through with it or if this is just his way of keeping me around and continuing to abuse me as he did during our marraige. Make me pay for all that he thought I did wrong.

I just do know that I would be devastated if he actually did this and especially if he did and I didn't do something to stop it.

He keeps making comments about how he just about has everything in place .... just has a couple more things to put in place .... just about everything is in place.....



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I am afraid of what he might do to me (more emotional abuse than physical although there were isolated incidents of physical abuse) if I called the police.

Good grief, life2short, can't you recognize a classic abuser? I have a book for you to read. It's called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Bancroft. It describes exactly what you just described. Threatening suicide is just one more method of controlling you, now that nothing else works.

And it works! You are DIVORCED, for Pete's sake! Act like a divorced person, and get on with your life. Walk away from this POS and let him learn to deal with having no one to control for awhile.

Read the book. It will teach you how to dissociate yourself from this wreck. And book yourself time with a good therapist to get your codependency under control. If you don't do those two things, then I'm not going to bother trying to help you, because you obviously are feeding off of his melodrama as much as he is.

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I would be very concerned for your own safety if I were you. He is obviously unstable and who knows what he is capable of.

Often times these nut cases take their loved ones with them (the one they can't live without) when they choose to end their life.

It's time for you to separate yourself from him. For your own safety. Go to court and seek a protection order.


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I just ordered the book you suggested via Amazon. I also found an hour long podcast by the author and just finished listening.

Wow.

I have read so many self help books on bad relationships and dealing with it / removing self from it.

I wish there was someone I could go to to get straight answers about what he has been doing/saying to others. If I knew that he was seeing someone (which I suspect and he accuses me of - not so on my part) I believe that would make it easier to back off and be done.

Can't wait to get the book and see what advice is in it on dealing w/this person.

Any other thoughts out there would be very much appreciated.

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Why does he have to have had an affair for you to be willing to walk away from the man you divorced?

You're divorced! Start living YOUR life.

Go look for a thread over in Emotional Needs by someone called 'youngandlearning'. You'll probably recognize your XH in there, and maybe yourself and your inability to stand up for yourself.

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This is why I'm confused. You're divorced, right?

Who you are seeing is none of his business. Who he is seeing is none of your business.

This relationship is so toxic to you. You need to just let him do what he's going to do. Because truly - your worrying about him and trying to stop him from doing what he's doing is you CONTROLLING him. You're deserving of the same 2x4 a therapist gave me years ago - you're acting like you're more powerful than God when you worry and fret about someone who you have no responsibility for... Get out of God's way and let your x truly be in HIS hands.

Cut the contact. Change your number. Disconnect your e-mail. Move if you have to. But if he notifies you, call the police. Tell them what he's doing and that he needs help, then drop it and get out of the way.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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And a big huge P.S.

Any further contact you allow is basically saying "I'm signing up for unlimited pain... WILLINGLY!"

Stop it! Stop volunteering. Stop his access to you. You should get a therapist or whatever it takes to get DONE with him.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I am divorced - legally not emotionally.

I have some MAJOR issues of my own and I can do pretty well for a while but slip back into the same patterns that got me to where I am now.

I think he enjoys the drama and the trauma and maybe I do too or why else would I maintain the contact? A lot of what attracted me to him in the first place was that he was someone that needed a good woman to fix him. He had health issues and an XW from h@ll.

Of course I've since come to find out that she acted as she did in part for revenge for his A when they were married. His story is quite different and the truth - probably somewhere in the middle.

You're right - not my problem and I'm certainly not bigger than God. But, my religious beliefs are that anyone who commits suicide doesn't go to Heaven. So, with that belief in mind, I cannot imagine living with that knowledge if he were to go that far.

What I want is to leave all this behind me, become emotionally healthy and move on with my life. I hope there is someone else out there for me and know that will not happen as long as I am in this drama. I have pulled back alot over the last year and he has as well but, his pulling back is more threats and manipulation.

He came by my house today and when I went out to the truck I saw the rifle in the back seat.

Use all the 2x4s you want to. I really need the advice, encouragement and sticks. I want out of this mess. You are also right in that what he is doing doesn't matter.

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If you are divorced, how about going into the No-Contact mode like in Plan B? You could even write him a letter, explaining why you feel the need to set some boundaries - not to try to restore the marriage, but to protect your own emotional health.

Providing him an audience could very well be feeding into his drama. Remove yourself, and he may be just fine. Or maybe not, but it shouldn't be your job to worry about that.

A Plan B-type dark NC would protect you, since you say you aren't "emotionally divorced".


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
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DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Here's the thing -you can't do or say anything that will change his course away from or towards heaven.

And understand this - just as breaking Plan B gives him a fix and keeps him from doing the emotional work he needs to do to recover himself, or fall completely apart so that he reaches out to someone besides you (someone like GOD), your continued contact with him and worrying about him means he doesn't have to worry about him and he doesn't hit bottom.

Get out of God's way. I believe that though someone takes their own life, the Savior suffered for those sins too - and somehow, HE has the power to reach out to your husband, after death. I realize that's not in the frame work of your beliefs, but I truly believe this from the bottom of my heart. Jesus' resurrection gained power over death.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I agree with Jayne. Write him a No Contact letter and send it to him. Change your phone number, email address, any other way he might contact you. You are too weak to just say no, so don't let it get that far. If you can swing it, move and don't tell him where you moved.

THEN, get yourself signed up for a counselor, and start going regularly to figure out why you have to save people to get your own self-worth. It's based somewhere in your childhood, but you're not likely to figure it out - and change it! - without a professional helping you.

So that you don't pick another guy just like this one.

Did I suggest you go find a thread in Emotional Needs by someone named 'youngandlearning'? I think it would be an eye opener for you.

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I have been in this situation many times with my H. It is all games and manipulation. He pulled the suicide card many times on me until about a year ago. I had told him I wanted a divorce so the next day he proceeded to call me at work (drunk) threatening to end his life. When I finally stopped answering the calls he left a few messages on my voice mail. When I got home. He came home still drunk saying more of the same things in front of his mother and my children. He finally stumbled out the front door, saying he was going to finish what he started and tried to get his truck started. I was so afraid he would get into an accident and injure or kill someone else, I called the police. They came and after hearing the messages on my voice mail. He was taken and admitted to the psych ward. He spent a week there.

Guess what he has never pulled the suicide card again.

Your ex-h knows exactly what he is doing. Pulling you into his drama and making you feel sorry for him. He knows just what buttons to push and just how far to go to get you to fall for it. He is still abusing you eventhough you are divorced and you are allowing it. You need to stop contacting him and get on with your life. Let his family deal with him. He is no longer your problem.


me-36
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Trying to put my life back together......
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My ex was abusive. One of the ways he would attempt to control me was to threaten suicide.

Years after the divorce, I'm remarried, he's down and out, and he finally went through with it.

It is devastating, even as an abused EX who has moved on and found happiness, and especially as the mother of his young kids.

I would not treat any suicidal talk as an idle threat, yet I'm sure you understand that you are not the person to deal with it on your own, either.

Good advice as far as contacting the suicide help line. Wish I'd done that. Hindsight, you know.

Finally, if he does make the choice to take his own life, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. I know how easy it is to do. I've also suffered the horror of being blamed by a surviving relative. Nothing short of His grace got me through those first days and weeks.

You can contact me privately if you wish.

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