I am new here and I need some advice. My wife left home about 2 months ago because we were having problems and we were going to work on or marrage. Well she would never give me an answer as to why she felt or marrage was so bad she needed to leave home. I tryed to take things slow with her and work on getting her to come home so we could work things out. She refused to come home. Now 5 days ago she told me she wanted to get a divorce and when I told her that I needed to know why she felt so strongly that we would never be able to repair or marrage she told me that she just did't feel the same way twords me as she once did. Over the next few days I continued to put pressure on her to tell me the truth of why she wanted a divorce and she finaly told me she has been cheating on me emotanaly for 6 months but that nothing ever got phisical with the other man but I have my suspicions. She has remained adiment that this possable divorce has nothing to to with the other man and in fact she has not spoken to him in a month and a helf. I told her at this time that I would be willing to try to work out or problems and forgive the affair and she said "Can I take a week to think about it?" I told her yes. We have both been very inconciterate of each others emotanal needs for about 8 months and that is what caused the affair. We went to dinner yesterday per her request as frieds so there would be no pressure to talk about our problems. We had a great talk and she admited everything that she did and appolgized over and over for the affair. I appoligized for my misstreating her for so long. Here is the part where things get complicated. She has not yet said that we are going to try to work out or problems and maks sure that I know she is still "deciding". I a moment of weakness because I love her and miss her deeply we had sex in the car parked in the driveway of her sister's house where she is staying. Now today she is friendly on the phone and has called me 4 to 6 times today but seems to be avoiding seeing me in person. As well she is making sertin that it is clear to me that she is not commiting to working things out yet but she is still deciding. What should I do? I want her to come back and give consuling and MB a try brfore we concider a divorce.

Hi CMCrumbley

Welcome to MB... I'm sorry that you have the need to visit here, but you've come to the right place to learn about affairs and how to work through them.

Have you read much on the site, such as Dr Harleys basic concepts?

The evenings are very slow around here so hopefully you'll have some more replies tomorrow. I wish you the best as you make your decision on what you really want to do.

Thanx Lildoggie and I have been on the site off and on for the last 2 months. I have read the basic principals now and I am tring to get my wife to do the same.

Some vets should come in the morning and give you better advice. Im just the late night welcoming commitee

have you read and understood plan A, it sounds like it might help in your situation. Also Resonance's 'fogbabble' thread?

I have read plan A plan B but the case is that she is willing to cot off all contact with the OM but she stiii may want a divorce because she said that she loves me like a brother and not like a husband. I have taken such a selfesteme and emotinal beating that just don't know what to do anymore.

Get busy with Plan A and start meeting her emotional needs.

Invite her out to do things, if she refuses, text and talk to her on the phone. Don't talk too much about the relationship right now, just try to show you are the better option.

It is unusual for them to cut off contact with the affair partner, so I would be wary of that.

Who is the other man? Have you exposed the affair to friends, relatives, etc?

I don,t know the other man and I have not exposed as I don,t want to push her away anymore than she is now. What do I do when she will exept my text messiges or phone conversations some days but then other days you will just ignore me? As well she offered to give me the OM's cell phone number. Is that a good thing or do you beleive that this could be smoke and lies too?

Let me get this straight ...

Your WW has been having an A for over 6 months ...

She even left the marital home 2 months ago to pursue this A ...

You don't even know the OM's name ...

Your WW offered to give you his cell phone number, but you declined ...

and so far you've done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to stop her.

Do you have ANY self-respect???

Do you have any intention of doing ANYTHING to help yourself???

Until we know what you are willing to do, then there's really not much for us to do to help you.

Assuming you want the situation to improve ... see if your WW will allow you access to your testicles for a day or so and we'll see if we can't help you out. Until you decide you want to help yourself ... well, you're just screwing yourself.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but what did you expect.

Unfortunately, we see many BH's here just like yourself. Some screw up their courage enough to GREATLY improve their situations, and some just wring their hands, while their WW's continue to disrespect and humiliate them.

You make the call on which way you want to proceed.

You do realize don't you that she accepts you calls on days when OM is not around, and on the days she's banging the OM, she won't take your calls.

I think that sex sounds good. It is an EN.

Try have a realistic chat. For example, revise with her that this event (EA) is a wake up call. Your character wont change but hopefully your behaviour and hopefully that of her own behaviour, will alter progressively towards the benefit of the marriage.

You have depleted her love banks and you need opportunity to restore these. At the same time she has undermined your confidence, manhood and honour as a husband. All discretions must be brutally revealed such that healing can begin.

I trust that you have studied "HNHN", "affair proofing a marriage", Love busters, etc.

Satisfying EN's and avoiding LB's is going to be your number one priority.

Practical steps are: note dropping- with a flower in her keyhole; short texts eg. I'm going to fight for you -you're worth it! A chocolate sent to her at work with a heart and your and her initials. Corny yes, effective, well it can't hurt to try it.
I once dedicated my birthday to my wife and built her a love nest. Very effective!

Do these things and don't make a big deal about it. Let them just keep happening but don't you forget the meaning behind them.

Just one more thing demonstrate conviction that she is indeed worthwhile, so give careful consideration to her good qualities before you get started.

Adultery and abandonment are legitimate reasons for divorce but consider Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God.

God Bless in your time of trial.

To answer you questions

Yes the affair has been going on for 6 months but she said that she stopped it b/c the OM had a baby that she did'nt know about and she reolizied that it was all to fill a void that I left. I admit that I have drained her love bank.

Yes she left 2 months ago for reason that she said that if she had loved the OM than she wondered if she truely loved me. We have spent a great deal of time together in the last two months.

The OM's name is Justin and I do not have a last name.

I have the cell number but I have not made the call yet.The offer still stands to let me call him with her cell phone so he will pick up. I have called his cell phone with my number be he will not pick up for my phone.

The "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING" I have done is to try and get her to spend more time with me so I can work on getting the love bank balance back up. FYI: if I sound like I am clueless it is b/c she is my first real relationship. We were together for 5 1/2 years and we married in May 07.

Yes I have studied the affair proofing a marrige and LB and I am tring to satisfie EN's and avoid LB's. I am having a problem getting her to give me any feedback.

I just took a bit of your advice and sent a text messige saing I want you to know that you are worth fighting for. I will try some of the other things in the comming days. Thanks for the advice.

So she had to deal with a WHOLE 6 months of marriage without you fulfilling her emotional needs?

Are you kidding me? She left your marriage bed after SIX months!!!

Get a lawyer. Cut bait!

A couple more pointers and cautions...

We guys tend to think that the "grand gesture" is going to make it. It doesn't. All it does is calls attention to what's next. I tried to emphasize this a bit in the last post. Do your building up deed. Don't bask in it. If anything play it down. Show real consideration for the other persons needs, not how impressive you are going to look.

For example: Who does your missus laundry at her sisters place. Knock on the door, offer to do it once a week, don't stay long like you are looking for an excuse to hang around but rather make like you have to get on with your own stuff. Maybe its a cool idea to everybody's laundry for the first week as a show of appreciation for them looking after your good lady. It won't hurt to get her sister on your side!

If you want to talk, meet at a neutral venue and ask neutral things like her needs etc. The nearest personal thing you might say is that despite your hassles , you have no regrets marrying her. Then stop, say nothing, give her a cute button or something (not expensive) then shut up. Woman like mysterious.

But especially, when you do these many little things, do them as they are your own. She may call you on why you are doing them. Meditate a little and be ready with an answer that is from your heart and not from someone else's pen.

Hey, I hope this helps.

We were only married for 6 months but we have been together for 6 years.