My husband admitted to me on 6/21 that he had been having an EA with a coworker. He begged forgiveness, etc. I was completely stunned.
Background: when we married in 2002 I was a busy professional singer with lots of work. He's in the Army and was posted to Germany in 2003. This was extremely difficult for me because I left my career and it's tough getting started over at age 42 in a new country. I was depressed. He also was very clingy and child-like and this was a turn-off (LB) for me. I went to therapy and talked to him about it but things would not change. I finally began to get work and found some friends, but then we moved back to the US in 2006. He was stationed in a small town where I would be sure to have no work, but it was 2 hours from where I had had my career and he wanted to return there, as well, so we decided to live separately (this was the advice of my therapist). We bought a house in my home town (where we had lived before) and rented an apartment near his work. I started to build my career again. I would drive down to his town most weeks for a couple of days, and he would come home most weekends.
I have figured out that the relationship with the OW started about mid-May. I had become busier with my career and was not able to drive down as often. He talked about work stress and also about this young woman that he was "mentoring" since she was having trouble keeping up with her work. This "mentoring" started in February, but the daily phone calls to her didn't start until May. He was hanging around with people 15 years younger than him who were single. I had nothing in common with these people since most of them were over 20 years younger than me, didn't have higher education, smoked, etc. Through all of this he remained clingy and kept up with the habits that annoyed me, but since we didn't see one another often, I tried to avoid arguments and just put up with the behavior, but eventually I was just not attracted to him.
We are in the process of reading SAA but he insists that I not "read ahead" of him and gets mad if I read more than he has. But he's busy preparing for an audition (he's also a musician) and is not devoting much time to this. He also lied to me (as I have discovered through asking questions and insisting on answers) about the depth of the emotions. I just discovered he had told her he loved her. Supposedly they kissed for the first time on 6/18, repeated on 6/19, and he told me about it on 6/22. He called her while I watched and told her he had told me about the affair (I confirmed that it was her he had called).
The biggest problem at this point is that we still mainly live apart. We are dependent on both incomes and I am self-employed so if I don't work, I don't get paid and we can't meet our bills.
To make things worse, he arranged several months ago to be posted to Korea for a year (without me) in order to get orders to return to the post near our home. In about six weeks he will take 30 days to prepare for that move (at least half of that time is devoted to visiting his family), and after that he will move to Korea. I am not allowed to move with him, and again it would be financial disaster (as well as death to my career) to do so. I had already set up webcam communication with him so we could at least be face to face, I will be visiting him at Christmas, he gets 30 days home mid-tour, and I might visit again next summer.
Sorry for the long email but finally here are my questions.
1. How are we supposed to really work through this when I have no way of checking up on him? I've already discovered he has left out telling me when he spoke with her at work (he said he didn't feel it "counted" since it was brief and in the presence of other people). I only have his word that the relationship has not continued.
2. I need some support for the decisions that we made TOGETHER to live apart for a couple of years in order to gain what we really wanted (living together in the town where my career is thriving). He readily agreed and still says that he supports that decision. But should I have to give up my career - without which I would be a truly miserable person - to make sure my husband doesn't have a reason to have an affair? I am 47 now and don't have many more years as a top-tier singer, so saying I'll put my career on hold is not feasible, plus he says that whatever happens I must not give up my singing.
3. Has anyone else dealt with this sort of situation? I'm sure someone has, since people are deployed and I have seen other posts from military spouses. But I feel that the situation we have will definitely impact the speed of our recovery negatively, and I fear that if he doesn't get some semi-instant gratification, he will see that as justification for not trying.
4. Since he confessed to me, I have agreed not to tell his or my family and friends. I do think that he is doing the things he says (not seeing her alone, not calling her, etc.). But then I feel like under the circumstances I could be being naive.
5. Once I read some of SAA I have been trying to do Plan A, but also letting him know when he is doing LB. I really want to fall back in love with him so that we don't return to the same situation that made him more likely to have another relationship; namely his behavior irritating the hell out of me. But would this be considered a "demand"? I am just telling him when he is doing the behavior and asking him to stop. I don't yell or get angry at him. But I know he feels like he needs to be extra-clingy at this point and I am not allowing that (lots of pouncing-type hugging, "smack" kissing, "I Love You" talk, calling me baby names, using a baby voice, etc.). Am I making a mistake? When he doesn't do the LB behavior, I really belive that we could work through this.
At this point I have to get off the computer so he can use it to do some classwork that requires internet access.
Thanks for your input.
BS (me) - 47
WH - 40
relationship with OW began approx. 5/10/2008
D-Day (his confession) 6/22/2008
Still Stunned and Confused but hoping for recovery
