Some time ago I posted about my WW's EA with an older gentleman. At that time many advised me to expose the affair and go Plan A to meet my wife's emotional needs. I did Plan A to the best of my abilities, but failed to expose the EA because the OM's wife is older and supposedly has a heart condition.

For awhile things seemed to go pretty well - my wife seemed to respond to the fact that I was meeting her emotional needs. Her contact with the OM (primarily through email with infrequent meetings for lunch) dropped off drastically, and what few times they had contact by email was mostly just friendly chat (no sexual overtones, etc.).

Then recently I started having problems with ED - probably brought on by various things including this EA she's been having. I can tell this has frustrated my wife greatly, even though we still have intimate contact, she says she needs me "inside her".

Since this started, the EA has kicked back into high gear, with her emailing him almost every day. She states in her emails how she will never know the kind of intimacy she wants, and feels she could get from him, and how she will be forever denied this because she "gave herself to me" so many years ago.

Needless to say I'm torn by what she has written - on one hand she clear states her faithfulness to me (physically), yet with her own words bemoans the very fact that she must. The ED problems have only gotten worse - in my angered and depressed state I find it extremely difficult to even think about having sex with her.

I've considered some options to address the situation - I tried taking Cialis for the ED, but it appears to be of no help - the problem is not maintaining an erection, it's getting one in the first place! (sorry for being so graphic) The other thing I'm trying is to lose weight in hopes this will help my attitude and responsiveness in bed.

So I guess I need some advise before I proceed further. Should I go ahead and expose, possibly risking the OM's wife's health? Should I wait and give the weight loss plan a try? As I said, before the ED problem things seemed to be well on the mend. I don't want to unravel what progress we had made before the ED problems started.

My biggest concern right now is my anger and frustration getting the better of me. I've even contemplated going to Plan B, but wasn't sure if I'd be giving up on Plan A too soon by not addressing my health issue first. I guess what I'm really asking is a) should I go ahead with the exposure, regardless of risks to anyones health, and then b) continue with Plan A or jump to Plan B? I suspect I already know the first answer. It will kill me to go through with exposure, but at the same time it's killing me not to. I'm just afraid that by exposing things I may end up pushing my wife over the edge from EA to PA, or totally destroying what relationship we have now.

OK folks, smack me around and get me back on the straight path!

You can not believe what ever you are told about the OMW. Your WW will say anything to get you not to expose so you do not kill the affair.

You as countless others refuse to expose and this is always the result. The affair continues.

Expose to everyone, WW's parents, siblings, and if need be the children. If they met at work, then expose there. At this point you need a scorched earth exposure.

You are not responsible for his wife's health. Who told you that, anyway? Good grief. If anyone's responsible for putting her in this position, it's her husband.

First, expose. It has to be with anyone important in your W's circle, in the OM's circle, anyone else who can put pressure on them.

Second, get yourself to counseling; I'd bet you'd find your SF problem through that partially, and also from your physical status.

Third, join a gym and hire a personal trainer. Isn't it worth the expense to save your marriage?

I learned of the OM's wife from his comments to my wife as to why he wasn't having sex with her - claimed she had a weak heart. He said that early in their EA, lately he's made other claims about his wife that make me question if her health really was the issue.

I'd suggested counseling to my wife in the past - the reaction I got, although not in specific words, was that I was the one with the problems, not her. If only I could meet her emotional/sexual needs we wouldn't have a problem.

I have already joined a new health club in town, just kinda frustrated with them because they were supposed to open two weeks ago and now they are talking next Friday <grr>.

I have plenty of folks on my side I can expose to - my mom, her sister, father. I'm thinking I will also have to notify her boss as this is how they met. She works as an office assistant for our vet - they met when he first brought in one of his dogs. On his side I can try to contact his wife although that may be tricky, and based on what I've read, she may not be surprised to hear this as they don't sleep together. He is a major member of a discussion group my wife has access to - I had considered posting an announcement there to let all his friends know how he's been screwing over his wife, but thought that might be going a bit too far. He has children and grandchildren but I don't have contact information on them.

BTW thanks for the fast responses.

And you believed her?

Time to start being realistic.

As for exercising til the club opens, you can lose plenty of weight just by walking. Start walking for an hour every day, buy plenty of precut, packaged vegetables and snack on them all day with Ranch dressing.

Oh, and get your plan together for exposure. You need to expose to everyone on the same day, so they can't do damage control. If you can't visit them all in one day, get all their phone numbers, and just sit down and call one after the other. And DO expose to his wife. Do it first.

Actually the OM stated to my wife in an email that this was the case - my wife didn't tell me herself. Of course, he could have just as easily been BSing my wife so i suppose it doesn't matter.

I have all the phone numbers needed, it's mainly just a matter of calling her when I know he won't be there. I suspect he handles the phone when they are home together. I just wonder if she will have enough influence on him to get him to stop. I plan to tell my wife's boss that I want him to "fire" this guy as a client and to let me know if he has any contact with my wife. I really hate putting him in this position, he and his wife are good friends who just made us god-parents over their newborn triplets. But I'll do what I have to. I've considered the possibility of telling her boss that the OM was pursuing my wife through inappropriate emails, while not mentioning her responses back. Does that sound ok? I don't want to unduly embarass my wife or affect her working relationship with her boss.

I forgot to ask, when I expose, do I say anything afterwords to the OM? I have his email, home phone and cell phone if I need to. I suspect it wouldn't accomplish anything as I had warned him off once before, for all the good that did. Would it do any good to threaten further exposure if he doesn't stop?

You can, but it won't do any good. Let his people to whom you expose do the pressuring on him.

Please don't make exposure a threat (like you asked)...make it a reality...bring reality to the fantasy fog, 'k?

You expose because it is the right thing to do. When you make it a threat, you make exposure revenge...and when you warn of exposure, then they tell everyone you're crazy and not to listen to you.

Their A is crazy, 'k? Share the truth with others so they can choose what they will and won't do with awareness...otherwise, they are being lied to by omission, too, aren't they?

LA

Oh, I plan on doing the exposure - the threat was in addition, i.e. "I've informed your wife - if you continue I will inform all your friends as well!" The idea being if his wife cannot bring sufficient pressure to bear, perhaps the threat of further embarassment will. I don't want to inform all his friends immeditiately in order to avoid coming across as being vengeful.

I may try to dig up his daughter's information if I can just to add additional pressure on his end. I suspect his wife already has a negative attitude against him (they don't sleep together), so just informing her may not bring enough pressure on him from that end.

It is very likely that everything that OM has told your wife about OMW is a lie. AP often tell OP that they do not or have not slept with their BS for a long time. Just another version of my wife doesn't understand me.

Do not believe anything either of them says. Cheaters lie. And act quick. Your WW is trying to talk herself into a PA. The justifications are being made.

It is also a possibility that since she knows that you read her e-mail, everything said there may be a smoke screen to hide an already occuring PA. A talk with OMW may be very enlightening.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks Say. I can believe that things he's told my wife about his own could be lies, based on some of the backpedaling I've seen him do in their conversations. As for smoke-screens, she's written in some of her emails about being cautious, even bragging about how she knows about removing evidence from the computer. Too bad her husband has over 20 years in the I.T. field and knows all the little spying tricks of the trade! I can see how they are feeling more comfortable emailing each other as the conversations have grown more open. It's now reached the point of unbearability. It's amazing how you can run through a sea of emotions - guilt, self-doubt, even justifying my WW's behavior because of my own perceived faults ("she deserves someone who can truly please her!" BS). Thankfully when I get those feelings I jump on here and get encouragement from folks like yourself and the other people's stories I read here.

Does she know that you are reading her e-mails? I take it that you did not have a NC letter in place when you began this "recovery.' You know it was not enough for her e-mail contact to be drastically down. NC is a must.

Read up on Plan A. It is for you as much as your WW. It sounds like your self confidence needs a boost and if you take good care of yourself and make positive changes that will happen.

And...talk to OMW yesterday. Do not let your indecision simmer until you have a PA to contend with. This may not be his first dalience and it would be very helpful if you had some info on OM that your WW does not.

God's Blessings,

Say

tld

"if you continue I will inform all your friends as well"

Excuse me, I apologize for thinking that you threatened/warned the OM about future exposure.

"I don't want to inform all his friends immeditiately in order to avoid coming across as being vengeful."

That's right, your one smart fellow. Worrying about what other people might feel first over that the OM is banging your WW.

Forget about the more people that you expose the better your chances are for ending the affair. It appears by your actions that you have no problem draging things out so the the OM gets more quality time with your WW.

Tld,

Make those calls tomorrow. Call OMW and her boss in the morning; right after, inform her family and yours. Simply tell them you're standing for your marriage and of your WW's infidelity. State when you knew, how they communicate, where they meet for lunch and when...have the facts. Let the response go. Lay out to your WW that you require a NC letter, counseling and STD panel screening (you, too). Get your heart checked while you're at the doc's office. Heartbroken isn't just an emotional state. Infidelity puts a heckuva stress on our entire bodies, our mental and spiritual parts, too.

Be good to yourself. Understand you are fight for your marriage. Please watch what you choose to believe...hear what these great posters are saying, like SNM said...do not believe OM and OMW aren't having sex. Do not choose to believe that your WW and OM are not having sex. You don't know until you know.

Understand her justification for attacking the marriage can be anything...and justifications are not real...just like you exposing to all his friends as a threat...there's no justifying doing the right thing. You just do it.

Be sure to print out the emails as evidence...and be ready when your WW blows her top over exposure. Get your support sources in a row...those who will stand with you for your marriage (most likely her boss and his wife).

Do not manipulate yourself into a doomed marriage, 'k? Stop thinking of who can bring enough pressure or not...your motive matters. If you take this as a strategy session, then you may cave when your WW starts spouting you're a control freak. And when/if you get to recovery, you will struggle greatly about six to eight months into NC, believing you manipulated your WW back into the marriage.

You can't do that. You aren't that powerful. No human is--and if you believe these things now, you'll believe you caused her to have an A...which means you are each the cause of the other...and you aren't. Never have been or will be. You are two separate, whole, complete beings made from love by God. You are equal. You have equal power and limits.

The worse trail for a BS to take, I believe, is this reactive way of reacting to an A...it's sort of the all or nothing...either you're paralyzed or all out to get her to stop attacking your marriage. If you react to your feelings...expose out of anger, retaliation, pain--then you're justifying her seeking attention, admiration, appreciation and connection elsewhere...because that's what she did--justified her entitlement.

Stay centered and focused on what you're doing and why--because YOU have chosen to stand for your marriage. Your new code of conduct is to live in honesty...so you act from honesty. To live in respect, so you act respectfully (informing); and you are doing so as an act of your choice to love your W.

That's the foundation for recovery. Remember what got you here...not just her lies...it was you buying into them, choosing to believe though she didn't rebuild your trust. This is DDay2...and you want to do differently than you did before. And you want to have a thriving, forgiven and loving marriage again...radical honesty, with care and consideration. That's what you act from. Time to not react to your feelings but to act from your own code and let the outcome go. It was never yours, anyway.

LA

I agree whole heartedly LA.

The best way for an A to be stopped is by confrontation. You have to tell her that you know about everything.

AND be prepared she is going to try and manipulate you even further.

I pray that the Lord will provide you with the right words at the right time.

The NC Rule is a absolute must. No calls, e-mails, SMS, nothing.
The WS will also go through many emotions and especially withdrawl symtoms of the OP.

I read in an article that an A can become an addiction/ Obsession for some. So the same basic steps must also be followed.

1. Admitting to the problem
2. Aknowledge and accepting responsibility
3. REMORSE REMORSER REMORSE
4. NC
5. Counselling.


5 is very important. To build up your relationship I suggest that you read no that you make MB's articles about SAA your way of life. It might also be a good idea if your W could read it.

Most important to know is that you can make it, but there are certain realities that you must know.

1. It is a long hard and painfull process
2. The Devil hates marriage and will do everything in his power to prevent your marriage from being reconciled. BUT it is possible with the Grace of God and a lot of prayer time (Alone and with your W)
3. There is a saying people don't change, but they can. If there is a will there is a way.

I hope that everything will work out for you and hang in there.

I'm 3 years down the line and through the Grace of God are happy . It can be done..............

Ade