My wife has been questioning our relationship for some time now. She says she hasn't been happy for a long time. Hse doens't know her direction in life.We've been married for 1.5yrs, been together for 8.5 yrs and lived together for 6yrs. We were just starting to try to have kids in Jan-Feb. She wanted to start having kids by 27, I'm 29.

In March she started more contact with a guy that she knew from awhile back. She didn't ever hide anything. They have known eachother since high school. Seemed just like friends, never bothered me. Come May I could tell she was really questioning our relationship. We tried talking and she seemd like she did and didn't want to work on things. She said she need to be on her own, find out what she really wanted in life. She says she has been dependent all her life on friends and family. She has no idea of the direction of her life.
She started finding comfort in that guy and stayed out some late nights with him. I confronted her on it and asked what's she doing and if she cheated. She said no but there is emotions. I said stop seeing him. A couple days later she was doing it again.
Mid-may she went to stay at her parents, we still talked once a week but it was mainly neg. information on her part. Mid-June she came to the house and moved out. Still not telling me it was over, that she doesn't know if she will want to work on this and want to come home in 2-3 month or maybe a year. July 1ts she moved into an apartment with a friend of hers.
So she hasn't been living at home for nearly 2 months. We've been talking about a separation but she still hasn't anything to forward it. I told her it's not what I want. I love her and want to work on it. She says she feels that she can't put an effort into it now. She feels it's over but like above, she doesn't know how she'll feel in months from now.
I decided to confirm or not that she has been staying overnight at this guys place. I confirmed it by watching the house while her car was there. She didn't leave.
Talked to her yesterday. She admited she has slept with him. She said nothing happened while she was at home. I believe her.

I told her she has 3 choices.

a) if SHE thinks there is even an ounce of feeling for me and a chance we can save this marriage we will legaly separate and we each do our own thing for a bit but still keep in contact and go to counseling. I don't think this choice is fair to me because I have no desire to be with anyone else and she has already. So I'm not sure this is still valid??? She would have to stop contact with the guy and be fully transparent.

b) divorce now, based on Adultery. Told her she will have to admit it to the courts. She said she would. But what is she is really confused and wants to work on this marriage down the road? I would love to save it.
c) she comes home right now to work on it. Stops seeing this guy and we get couselling etc. This is what I really wanted


She said the will not come home. so C is out. But she can't answer a or b...... I asked her ~6 times while I was there for about 3 hrs. Even right when I left. She still couldn't pick.

What do I do? I love her. I understand that her mind and heart are very confused and in her mind we are separated. She is doing her own thing. Still I will not let her continue her mistake if she feels that we might still have a future. I will be seeing her tomorrow to transfer her the car she has under my name. This was discussed months ago so I still feel it's right to do.

I don't know what to do.....

I'm sorry that you are in this situation.
However, you cannot allow your wife to sit on the fence. She has already left the house and sleeping with another man and you are allowing her to keep you on a back burner in case her situation with this guy doesn't work out.
Don't do this to yourself, sure you love her, but the feelings aren't being reciprocated right now. You should only give her one option,work on the marriage or divorce. Since she has already given you her answer by her actions, I would start on the divorce proceedings. Sometimes this shocks the wayward spouse back into reality. Don't be mean to her and talk to her calmly, but be firm in our standpoints.
In the meantime, work on you and keep things in order. Make the marriage look attractive. If she doesn't come back, well at least you have kept yourself healthy and when another relationship opportunity arises, you will be all the better for it. I know, you want this one, but how far can you swim up a waterfall? In other words step back and look at your situation, she has checked out, I do believe she still has feelings for you. She will never know how she feels as long as she is in contact with the other man .It's time to lay down the law so to speak. Don't be a doormat and don't allow your wife to cake eat.
You are a person too.

Alonewithouther

First of all welcolm to the MB forums. I am sad to have to see you here but none of us ever envsioned being in this club that no one wants to belong to.

You should know that it is very slow on weekends so have patience. Many will ultimately respond to you.

Have you read on the main site what Plan A is all about? If not, you need to go there now and study the plan. One of the biggest components of Plan A is to break up the A. The most effective means of doing so is to expose the A to anyone and everyone that could possibly have an effect on her.

This would include her parents, family, siblings, co workers, pastor or anyone else. The same principal applies to OM in terms of exposing.

You see, A thrive in darkness and secrecy,and when you expose, you burst their little secret bubble. It's like turning on the lights in a crack house. Addicts don't like to smoke under the watchful eyes of others. Your WW is addicted to OM in the same fashion as a drug addict is addicted to their drug. The road to recovery is to remove the drug. Exposure faciltates doing just that.

Part of Plan A is to get your WW to lose the OM and go to complete no contact(NC) forever for the rest of her life. NC is non-negotiable. It is a must. there is your starting point. Expose the A and strive for NC. We can deal with recovery later.
Until you bust up the A, you can't even begin R.

Now get to work on EXPOSURE. Find out everything you can about OM, including the names of his parents so you can expose to them as well. Your exposure will be short and respectfull as in: My W is having an A with X and I am trying my best to salvage our M. anything you could do to encourage this would be greatly appreciated.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Welcome to MB

Jerry said exactly what I would have. Start a plan A and exposure.

Im sorry you are in this situation, but you have found a place to come to!

Thanks,

I have been trying plan A for the last 2 months and things only got worse and now I found out about her sleeping with this guy!

I don't see how plan A still works at this point, only B. BUT I don't want her to continue sleeping with this guy for another day since I caught her! She's made her mistake and now that it is found out she needs to stop. If she doesn't I will never forgive her.

you are young. no children and only married for 1.5 years. I would suggest following Dr. Harley's advice in these cases and divorcing your wife.

I am sorry you are dealing with this.

A plan A is only to be used by a BH for up to six months. If you can't handle the pain of WW's affair then you can start plan B. Only you know how much more you can handle.

To plan B:

WW has moved out so I would change the locks to the house, and cut her off financially.
Do not pay for her affair. If all the cars are in your name, take hers back. Do not pay for her car insurance.

Send the plan B letter. Brief and to the point. You want to recover your marriage but you no longer can have contact with WW until she agrees to give up the OM and recover the marriage. All contact must go through third party to screen contact so only business related messages are made known to you.

Then learn how to change yourself by doing a 180.

I'm not sure that I understand your (or Dr. Harley's) logic on this one.

He dated his wife for 1.5 years, then they lived together for 6 years...married for 1.5. Why is it that the 8 year relationship is thrown out the window, by some members, when discussing infidelity on this website? Why is it just assumed that the previous 6.5 years of his relationship with WW means nothing in the grand scheme of things? I'm not sure why Dr. Harley would only look at the length of the marriage, and not the entire relationship...maybe religious reasons?...not sure, but it makes absolutely no sense. Does that mean if they got married 6.5 years ago that yourself (and Dr. Harley) would be saying otherwise and giving different advice? It does not make any sense on an emotional level, or legal level, given that living common law is just as legally binding (in most places) as being legally married is.

Can you clarify "why" you (and Dr. Harley) give this advice?

Introvert,

I happen to agree with medc.

However, in my mind, its more a function of their ages and that they have no children together, rather than how long they've been M'd.

Alonewithouther, (and his WW) are less than 30 years old ... and he wants to have children some day.

As you well know, it will take a LONG time (if ever) before he could trust his WW enough to have children with her, and children only add difficulties in a marriage, they don't bring people closer by themselves, without a strong foundation, which Alonewithouther surely doesn't enjoy.

Also, after only 1.5 years of M, they haven't accumlated a lot of marital property ... property settlement will be less complicated ... and he still has PLENTY of time to find Mrs. Right, and he will likely choose much better the next time after going through this learning experience.

In his case, there are a ton of positives to D, and very few negatives.

The longer I'm here, the more I'm convinced that a straight Plan D is in MOST BH's best interests, ESPECIALLY for young BH's without kids. They will heal quicker without all of the bitterness, anger and resentment that eats away at their remaining years.

I cannot speak for Dr. Harley...but for ME, it is a matter of what is invested versus the risk. A marriage that is only 1.5 years old that has been already touched by unfaithfulness is not a good risk for a long term happy life IMO.
I do not consider the 6.5 years of dating in the equation. Children would tip the scales towards an attempted recovery in my eyes.

Common law is ONLY an issue IF they held each other out as h or W. And I do not know if they reside in a place that CL is recognized. To me, it is irrelevant.

Just my additional 2 cents to the good points above:


Counseling is a waste of time as long as she is still in a relationship with OM. She would have to first go NC, and then go through withdrawal. Until then, she has blinders on and is in the fog. She won't be receptive to anything that may improve your relationship or detract from that with OM.


You should consult with an attorney. Many, if not most, states require corroborating evidence for grounds of adultery. In other words, you need other evidence or testimony from persons other than you and WW. Also, again depending on your state, a divorce on fault grounds, such as adultery, may give you a more favorable settlement. You may not care about that now, but likely in the future you likely will.




You seem to have the impression you can make her do something that you want, rather than what she wants (despite its wisdom). I would suggest reading Dr. Harley's articles on Lovebusting, especially the busters of selfish demands, disrectful judgments and angry outbursts. See http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Okay, so I'm 33 years old, been with W for 7 years...only married for 1.5 years, no kids. So, why is it that I had a phone session with Jennifer and she neglected to mention that D would be my best option?...given the fact that I fit the very criteria that you and medc are referring to?

My point here, is that you can't just draw a line in the sand, and tell people they should get divorced, just because they fall into YOUR criteria for whether there marriage is worth saving or not.

It's not fair under these circumstances to paint people with a broad stroke like that. Love does not work like the way you are explaining it. Love does not care how old you are, if you have kids, if you own a house, if you're 20 years old, if you're 90 years old...if you've been married for 5 minutes, or if you've been married for 30 years...if you've dated for 6.5 years, and married for 1.5...or, if you've dated for 70 years. Love does not work like that.

So, given the fact that he is here, asking for help in recovering his marriage...you see no reason to aide him in doing so, simply because they were only married for 1.5 years? If this is the case, why do you (and Jennifer) give me advice?...my marriage is only 1.5 years.

I think that you have a very warped way of looking at a relationship, imo. Just to prove my point...next time you are with a woman of which you are in a relationship of any kind...tell her that nothing before marriage is worth saving...see how long she sticks around...she'd dump you before you knew what hit you.

And your point is what? LOVE is not everything.

I am NOT saying that this poster needs to divorce. It is my opinion...MY OPINION...that given his small MARITAL commitment that he would be better off doing so. He is free to do as he pleases.

NEVER said that.

As for giving you advice...I will give anyone advice on saving their marriage IF I think I can help. I do not have to agree with the decision to stay to give advice.

The reason I am free to offer my opinion is that there are MANY people who show up here that are so wounded and dysfunctional that they don't think they can survive without their lying, cheating spouse. This simply is NEVER true. I was one of those people and will tell you the best replies I got early on were blunt and made me see that I should send her happy asss packing. I am eternally grateful for their advice.

yep

Exactly my point. So, since he is here asking for aide in how to restore his marriage, why the "go to plan D" talk? How is that going to aide him in recovery?

I'm not going to get in a pissin' match in his thread...I just think you should be aidng him in his goal, or bug out and let people who don't have that "you haven't been married long enough, so your marriage isn't worth saving" mentality aide him in his recovery. JMO.

Just so I know, do you think I should head to plan D, as well?

hopefully the 2nd post cleared up my thinking for you.



I am SIGNIFICANTLY more concerned with a persons recovery than I am that of the marriage. While it is nice to have both...it is not always prudent.



While I may have replied to you regarding your situation ITV...I really couldn't tell you anything without going back and reading your threads...I have NOT internalized the details of your situation.

My understanding of Dr. Harley on this point is based on what is required(work/effort) to recover a marriage and the passion in a marriage after an A. You need two highly motivated people to make it happen. Children tend to give a couple the motivation needed. Without children, the top logical reason for a couple to stay married is not there. There are other logical reasons to stay married, but, in many cases without children it isn't there.

So, one has to ask what are the motivations to stay married and are they strong enough for each individual to put the necessary work into recovering the marriage. If one doesn't believe that the marriage is worth the work it becomes more likely that the recovery from an A will not be effective.

First question I would ask if my WS was willing to have an A after such a short period of marriage, what are the specific reasons that they would stay married and will this result in them being motivated enough to do the work necessary to not only save the marriage but to make it a passionate one.

My sitch is basically the same as his (right down to the "we were going to have children" part). Only difference now is that my W is now practically begging me to help in recovery, and to have children with her. Maybe he can get his wife to come around to the position that my W is at. Without trying, and some guidance in "marriage building principles" you can help him and his W get to that point too. That's all I'm sayin'. I'm done T/J now.

Guess it's time for me to leave MB for good, now that my marriage is not worth saving...wish you guys would have clarified this earlier.