I'm glad I found this board, looks like a lot of good people here. I'll try to summarize this as best as I can. I realize it's impossible to convey to strangers your entire life's problems and expect answers. So here goes....

My wife & I married almost 9 years ago. I had a problem with drinking at the time, but quit shortly before marriage and stayed sober for 8 years of the marriage. I've also had lifelong problems with depression and I'm on meds for it. Our marriage has been "ok" for the most part, although the interest in sex on my side has never been what it should be. She had an affair shortly before we got married, and it hurt me pretty bad. Then a few years into the marriage, she caught me looking at porn on the computer, and she had an affair as a result of that. So our sex life has been really up & down, mostly down. (No pun intended)

Well last July, I found myself staring straight into the eyes of a possible affair on my part. And I'd like to be able to say that I stood strong and refused, but I gave in emotionally, though it never went anywhere physically. (Which does not excuse it I know). I & the other woman talked a good bit and flirted around, but it never went further than that. Long story she more or less dumped me and it tore me up emotionally. So the next thing I knew I turned back to drinking for the first time in 8 years. I shortly afterwards left home and moved out, separated. The next few months were nothing but a blurr. I stayed drunk all the time, went to places I shouldn't, and even slept with a stripper. Amazingly my wife held on up until December, when she finally had enough and said she wanted a divorce. A few weeks later I found out she was now seeing another man.

I guess thats what it took to shake me out of my drunken coma. December 25, 2007 I had my last drunk and began getting serious about fixing this marriage. I dove into religion and stayed away from bad friends, and got my life right again. All I could think about night & day was my wife, what I had done to her, and how much I wanted her back.

Well Mid-February 2008 she decided to let me move back in and we'd work things out. Things went pretty well for 2 months. After that, I started slowly sinking back into depression again. Started feeling the call to go back out with my friends and drink and do what I wanted to do. But I have not gave in to that temptation. I've been faithful. The last two months have been miserable for both of us. Sex is almost non-existent between us, and communication isn't much better. Night & Day I think about leaving my wife/kids, but I don't want to hurt her. But at the same time, I wonder if I were to leave for good, maybe she could find someone who would take care of her like she needs. She wants to be loved & held so much.

I have extreme intimacy issues, I am a very reserved person and don't let hardly anyone into my circle, even my wife. I've been that way all my life. I keep thinking that we'd both be better off if I were to just leave and go live by myself. Because I want to be alone so much, and my nerves are always shot and I get agitated at the stupidest things.

So I'm in between a rock & a hard place. I do care for my wife but I just cannot seem to escape these thoughts of leaving again no matter what I do. The scary thing to me is, I'm afraid if I leave again, within a few months I'll realize again and come to my senses realizing what I lost, but this time there would be no 2nd chances.

So I guess one of my questions is this, to those who have been on my side of the fence, how do you stop the tormenting thoughts to leave your family? How do you make yourself change what your desires "seem" to be at the time? My wife's miserable and I hate to see her this way. I'm concerned she may have another affair before I can fix this. I feel like two different people. Some parts of the day I want to fix things, and other parts of the day I just want to run and do whatever I want.

I've felt caged for most of my marriage, with a heavy shadow of religion cast over me. My wife is very religious, and I was at one time and have since tried everything I know to get back there. We've been to multiple counselors.

This somewhat reminds me of a relationship I was in before marriage. I dated a girl for several years, and several times wanted to break it off with her, but would always change my mind when I saw how it would hurt her if I talked about breaking up. I feel the same way about my marriage. Sometimes I feel if I could just slip away and no feelings would be hurt, I'd do it.

Please help with advice & insight if you can.

I'm not a vet so i cant help you alot.
First of all i want to applaud you for even coming here, it shows you DO want to make the changes you need to.
Secondly, something they say alot around here is from actions feeling will follow. So essentially you need to do loving actions for your W to regain the loving feelings.
Have you read up about emotional needs (EN) and love busters (LB)?

Welcome to MB. Have you been to AA or done a 12-Step program? Congratulations on your years of sobriety, and quitting again. But are you working some kind of a program for recovery?

Life should not be miserable and you deserve to have a partner that you treasure and who brings you happiness.

You said your sex life was never what it should be. Did you address the porn problem?

Thanks for all the replies. Yes I've been to AA, years ago before I got married. But it in itself didn't cause me to quit. I've always quit once I see the situation get to the last possible place it can get to, and still be recoverable.

And yes the porn has been addressed, although I still struggle with it every now & then.

I've wondered before if I married the right person. I know it's a little late now to be asking this though. I had doubts about getting married when I asked her. But in all honesty I believe I felt somewhat pressured to get married at the time, because she had just cheated on me, and I felt like if I didn't get my life together I'd lose her. And she had been the only stable thing in my life at that time.

I just don't know what to do. We've talked to every counselor around here, including our preacher. We're going to weekly classes on depression. I pray, I read God's word, yet I just cannot seem to escape this daily torment of temptation that comes against me.

Good grief - if that's really the case, you got M'd for a very, very, wrong reason.

I would suggest though that perhaps you're doing a bit of "creative re-writing" of your marital history, and there are other important reasons why you chose to M your W.

I think you've got a very difficult choice ahead of you, and none of the options look particularly great. Perhaps it might help to "stick a pin" at this particular point and try some basic steps in the recovery process first before making any big decisions. For example, do you know what her primary ENs are? Do you know what yours are? Does she know? Are you both willing to make the best attempt possible at meeting each other's ENs for awhile?