Hi, wondering if anyone has advice on how to decide which lawyer to go to. I am currently doing plan A (alone) with a WW who is ready to separate. I've scheduled consults with a few lawyers, however want to ensure I choose the right one.

Should I be looking to a firm that deals with mediation and collabrative efforts? In the end, if I can't stop this from happening through the current efforts, I want to ensure that when/if she initiates all the papers I am not swamped in legal costs and a messy battle.

Thanks

Then you're hoping instead of thinking.

Divorces are ugly, nasty things and if you're going into it trying to be the nice guy, you're going to get screwed to the wall.

Every town has an attorney with the reputation as being the biggest SOB Divorce Lawyer in the county ... HIRE HIM BEFORE YOUR WW DOES.

This message was brought to you by the "Voice of Experience".

Is plan B a possibilty first?

Scope-
You should really stick with your original thread and jsut add your questions there.
taht way, people who ahve allr eady read your story will be able to post approriate responses. The replies you received ehre are certainly well intended, but not really approriate to your situation

You said that you gave your wife the name of your lawyer, so she could call him. If you have a lawyer you have used before, then I would ahve started by calling that person. But if your wife is going to use thaat person, then you need someone else.
If that person can not help you, then at least they could give you a referal.

For right now - I would suggest that you jsut make an inital appointment for a consultation. You are not going to file any time soon, but it would be good for you to sit with someone and ask all of the tough questions. Start to line up your financial information. Just so you are prepared.

Remember, that for now, you are in plan A. If your wife tells you she wants to talk D, and make things "easier" for everyone, jsut remind her that you do not talk D. You only talk M recovery. You love her, and the dissolution of your M is jsut too painful for you to discuss with her, your wife.

You are really in the early stages of all this. I know that it feels like she is going to meet with the lawyer, draw up the papers, move out, and be done in a month. But I have neer seen a WW follow through that quickly. When (if) she actually sits down and talks to a lawyer, it will be a real eye opener for her.
there is no "easy" way to tear apart a family, and she will soon see that. But let her find that out for herself.

which reminds me of another great bit of advice - never try to educate a WW. Let her discover the consequences of her own bad choices all by herself. You will be the rock, her friend that stood by her. But let her go out and get her dose of reality on her own.

Oh, and one more thing! I still do not think she will move out soon. But if she does - do not panic. That does not mean that your M is over. Many times, a WW moving out is the best thing, because she will get to see first hand that it ain't all fun and games. Don't push her out the door - but if she goes on her own, do not panic. Just remind her that you and the kids love her, and you have a loving home for her to return to when she is ready to fully committ to you.

If you are in Texas and anywhere near my town, choose mine! He doesn't waste his clients' money with unnecessary bs. Not at ALL.

womanoffaith5 - thanks for the advice. I have taken the approach with WW that I don't/won't talk D, only M. But I know (from the browser history) that she is looking up separation specialists and I also know she is making appointments for consultations, but appears to also be looking into cheaper methods for separation paperwork - as in do-it-yourself type packages online.

I do hope that when she meets with these people she will realize how difficult this will be. She has expressed that she wants to do this in a way that will not hurt me financially, she has even gone as far as to say that she does not want any support from me (even though I would have to pay if this went through the courts). I understand that this is all WW babble, but I do believe she is set on the separation paperwork.

I'm not sure that hiring the biggest SOB lawyer is the right move, and I don't think that hiring collective/mediation lawyer is right either. I've consulted with 3 very different lawyers now, and have a couple more consults this week.

I'm not trying to play the nice bend-over-backwards guy here and get fleeced, but I can't help but feel that if she hired the biggest SOB lawyer I would walk out of all this with significantly less than if I worked with her on it....

I know - stoopid.... but hey, my mind is not working very clearly these days.

Just happened to see your post here and it brought to mind a couple of thoughts.

This whole idea of "working with her on it(A divorce)" and somehow going to a lawyer together would not work, and I will tell you why.
first of all, in a D each person hires a lawyer to look after best interests. That does not mean you set out to cheat your W. It just means that your lawyer will look at your situation, and what could happen in the future, and advise you accordingly. Likewise, I would suggest that your W would get her own lawyer, just to make sure she has someone giving her good,solid advice.

During my D, my Ex refused to pay a lawyer. I hired one, but he kept saying it was too expensive. But for me, I knew that I was not in a good frame of mind to make decisions that would affect me and my children for ever. I wanted to have someone else help me out. My lawyer made it clear from day one that she could only represent one person, and I was her client. If he had any questions, he could not ask her - he had to get his own lawyer. She even made him sign a statement that she had advised him to get legal representation but he refused. My lawyer wrote up the paper work, he stopped by her office to sign, and that was it.

Of course, only a few short months later he was telling everyone that I had "screwed" him, took him for everything. That my lawyer had cheated him out of everything. Of course I knew it wasn't true - and I knew that my lawyer had told him on several occasions that he really should hire a lawyer just to have a second opinion before he signed - but he refused. Looking back - I wish he would have spent the money. that way someone else could have given him advice.

Also - your lawyer will be able to anticpate a LOT of things that could happen in the future, and help you to prepare. My boys were young at the time. My lawyer put in writitng that child support would continue until they turned 21 as long as they were in school.(many times support stops at 18) My oldest is in college right now, and turns 21 this year. I am so glad that he has been able to recieve that check each month from his dad to help pay for college. If I did not have it in the D papers, his dad never would have paid it. That is one of many things a lawyer can help you with.

Your WW will spend the next couple of weeks on the internet looking for free advice. And she will find out that D is about way more than just filling out a form, getting it signed, and then you get to date anyone you want. In a way, it is good that she is looking this up and seeing how complicated it is. She needs to udnerstand that tearing apart a family is a BIG deal, and should not be taken lightly.

If she does go to a lawyer, you will hire one yourself. But that does not automatically mean that you both will spend thousands of dollars. You can each seek out your own professional advice, and still come to an agreemetns without going to court. (in the end, I paid a total of $2500 to my lawyer. It was worth every cent)

you seem to be really worried about all this stuff. That is understandable. I still think it is way too soon to tell if she will follow through with any of it. She is getting the biggest reality check right now. But perhaps it would be good for you to make an appointment, and sit with a lawyer for 1 hour asking all your questions. See a professional. Ask the questions. I think it will calm your fears.

FYI - my ex saw a lawyer once. Most of them will go at least once. But 6 months later he still had not taken the next step. He talked about it - but no action. I finally got tired of waiting and did it myself. I hope you don't have to do that. But if you do - hire your own lawyer and tell her to do the same, so neither of you can claim you were "screwed".

posted in d-day thread.