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I have posted on here previously but I wanted to ask advice as to what to do regarding my kids.
As of today, they still do not know that mom & dad are contemplating a separation.
My husband has been out of the home for months now. He has his own apartment. he has been having an affair with a co-worker which i only just confirmed since he's moved out and maybe even before that.
He hasn't gone to an attorney....neither have I. I am an emotional wreck and I just cannot bring myself to that place.
But I need to shake him up a bit when it comes to his kids and spending time with them.
he comes and goes and he pleases and he visits the kids whenever it suits him. last week he came out twice and over the weekend. this week only once. i am so freakin furious, yet what can I do????? I can go file for separation is my only option I guess because talking to him gets me absolutely nowhere.
i cannot afford an attorney is my other worry.
i just want to slap the sh*t out of him and it would make me feel better but wouldnt help the situation, lol.
Advise?
I'm 40
H: 40
Married 14 years
2 children
found out march 08
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How old are your kids? Depending on their age, it is generally advised here that you inform the children the truth of the situation: that their father is having an affair with another woman, it is wrong and that is why he isn't in the home.
I recommend sticking to your main thread so it's easier for others to follow your situation.
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Hi,
You need to protect your finances and your kids. Let your kids know what is going on. If you share your ages, perhaps we can help or advise you what may be age appropropriate to say.
Also, six months is a long time to live apart without a plan. What did he say when he moved out? Does he talk to you now? What do you mean he comes and goes as he pleases, why do you allow this?
Change the locks, he moved out. Set up specific dates times for him to see the kids, put boundaries in place. He is cake eating because you are letting him walk on you.
Call around for a divorce attorney, most will have the first visit free. Sit with them and see what your options are, perhaps they can suggest a way that WH can pay their fees.
Do you work outside the home? Hang in there, but you do have to make some moves if you want things to change. I can see that you are very unhappy, it will get back when you start standing up for yourself and taking your life back.
BA
Me-49, WH-51
Married 02/1983 yrs, Sons - 27, 26, 20
1st PA - 1985, 1st known EA - 1992/1993
2nd PA - 06/02 to 11/04
1st D-day - 09/03, D-day 2 - 10/04 D-day 3 05/08
NC e-mail - 11/04- it wasn't real
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both my children are under the age of 10. i cannot just come right out and tell them that. they are too young to understand what daddy did.
when he first moved out he said it was only temporary. that was before i found out that he was having the affair with the co-worker.
now he just lives his own life like we do not exist.
your right, i have no plan. i don't know what to do. he doesn't say two words to me. And i am so angry, i don't trust myself when i open my mouth.
actually no i do know what i want to do, but i am afraid to do it. i want him out and never want him to come here again, so i don't have to see him. but i cannot do that because of the kids.
he still pays the bills, the mortgage etc.
i do have a part-time job off the books from home because i need to be here for my kids. he's never around.
i know i need to do what is right for me and stand up for myself. but i have been married for 15 yrs and it's hard.
I'm 40
H: 40
Married 14 years
2 children
found out march 08
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School Bus gave you some excellent advice.
Did you take any of it?
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I have posted on here previously but I wanted to ask advice as to what to do regarding my kids.
As of today, they still do not know that mom & dad are contemplating a separation. Imagoodperson, children as young as 7 can understand the concept of adultery. By not telling them, you are teaching that a marriage is a disposable commodity and married couples can break up over minor crap. They need to be told the full facts of their fathers adulterous affair. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. And secondly, why are you enabling your husbands affair by keeping his dirty secret? Affairs thrive on secrecy and keeping his secret helps the OW, not you and not your kids. Do you want to do anything to save your marriage?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You HAVE to tell your kids what is going on, in an age-appropriate way. Even as simple as "daddy is spending time with another lady instead of mommy" is good enough. They HAVE to understand that it's not ok, or they will do the same thing when they grow up. You are saving them by telling them. As for what to do? Go to www.unitedway.org and look up the agency closest to you. Call them. Tell them your story and ask them to find you help. That is what millions of Americans pay for through their company programs to help with. (I assume you're American; if not, find your country's equivalent) They will get you the legal and physical and mental help you need.
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Dr. Harley:
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
<snip unrelated>
But remember to expose your husband's affair to the light of day. Don't hide it from anyone, including your children. Transparency is like chemotherapy. Hopefully, there is someone who is talking to your husband about the tragic decisions he's making, and can influence him to change course.
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is very important that you give them MORAL GUIDANCE about adultery. They must be told what adultery is and WHY it is immoral. Otherwise they will come to believe it is ACCEPTABLE. Adutlery should NEVER BE whitewashed to kids. That is parental NEGLECT. And believe me, if you don't give them moral guidance, your wayward husband WILL.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show yesterday. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.
Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.
Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]
Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."
Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?
Caller: Yes, we both do
Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?
caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."
Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"
What can I do to possibly help you?
Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.
Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....
See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.
The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.
That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.
Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.
DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children
I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.
But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.
This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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yes by now everyone is the family both his and mine know.
I'm 40
H: 40
Married 14 years
2 children
found out march 08
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yes by now everyone is the family both his and mine know. What do they know? Who told them what? Does his employer know? Do the OW's parents know?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How am I enabling his affair? By not telling the kids? I am just afraid to tell them because I am afraid how they will react and I don't want them to be fearful and have to worry about mommy & daddy.
I do want my marriage to work. There is so much damage done. And besides as dumb as it sounds, what does it matter what I wantif he's already gone and moved on apparently with the other woman?
I am so confused!
I'm 40
H: 40
Married 14 years
2 children
found out march 08
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How am I enabling his affair? By not telling the kids? I am just afraid to tell them because I am afraid how they will react and I don't want them to be fearful and have to worry about mommy & daddy. This is exactly why you should tell them. They are worried NOW and imagining the very worst. Your H is likely filling them full of lies about you didn't make him happy, etc, causing them terrible confusion. They are being taught that anything is acceptable as long as it makes one "happy." And they see that you break up over NOTHING. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with LIES. I do want my marriage to work. There is so much damage done. And besides as dumb as it sounds, what does it matter what I wantif he's already gone and moved on apparently with the other woman?
I am so confused! Why won't you do something to help yourself? Did you do one single thing that Schoolbus advised??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well I told my family everything.
I also told his two brothers everything and his mother only knew that he moved out. she didn't know about the co-worker, so i told her. His father (his parents are divorced) only just found out. I didn't say anything to him, but apparently my husband told him something. what i do not know.
i haven't exposed them at work yet. I am fearful that my husband will lose his job then financially we will be in big trouble. stupid i know!
her parents, i am trying to get information on them so i can contact them, but i am not having much luck.
I'm 40
H: 40
Married 14 years
2 children
found out march 08
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I don't think you understand what we are telling you. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They are based on FANTASIES and as long as you help him hide his dirty secret and make no waves in his affair, it protects his fantasy. This is why exposure is ruinous. It destroys the fantasy. It is like turning on the lights in the crack house. It is no fun to get high when everyone is watching.
Why have you not ever exposed him at work? Or exposed to her parents? There are so many things you could be doing. If her parents knew this was a married man, it would RUIN any future plans.
Secondly, Plan A is to be conducted no more than 2-4 weeks for women and then it is time for PLAN B. Plan B protects you from his abuse and causes great conflict in his affair. For example, you probably meet 3-4 minor needs and the OW meets 1-2 TOP needs. As long as he can continue to come home as he pleases, when he pleases, he gets his needs met in TWO PLACES and has no motivation to end his affair.
Not to mention the fact that his abuse is very dangerous to your mental health. Women have nervous breakdowns from living like this. Did you know taht?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am doing something to help me. I am going to a therapist. Which seems to be helping. what else do you mean?
schoolbus had some great advise. I know about plan a. But i have been lovebusting like crazy. i just can't bring myself to be a nice loving person to him. i know if have to try if i want to save the marriage.
i am allowing him to walk all over me like a doormat and i have to stop this now. i cannot allow it to happen anymore. i have to find the strength.
I'm 40
H: 40
Married 14 years
2 children
found out march 08
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i haven't exposed them at work yet. I am fearful that my husband will lose his job then financially we will be in big trouble. stupid i know! You are getting ready to lose MUCH MORE than that at this rate. You will lose your marriage AND the financial support when he divorces you. Are you not afraid of divorce? her parents, i am trying to get information on them so i can contact them, but i am not having much luck. What have you tried? Have you REALLY TRIED? I sort of find that hard to believe since you haven't done anything else. Honey, you have to get up. You are all your children have and you do not have the luxury to just lay down and die. Please GET UP! GET UP!! Stop this apathy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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