Believer,
Yes the peace was wonderful, coming home today was extremely hard. Daughter had panic attack and so did mommy, but I held it together and was strong for the kids till they went to sleep. Now I am here and trying to get it together.

As for the hearing and the lack of money to sober him, unfortunately that is what set him off and made him hit me I think was the financial burden that he is enduring, granted it is of his own making and I feel NO guilt over it. I however, wish that it was enough to make him hit bottom, but it isn't. I am not looking forward to the hearing and seeing him at all, but at the same time it is one more step to moving on and getting away. I really need to put some distance between us, having him in the same neighborhood and being near his parents who hate me is so hard emotionally and hard to feel safe or secure. I am trusting God to show me the path to take.

I am not sure what to do about college either, I am supposed to restart my second class on the 8th of July, but I really am not too sure what to do. I have had such a hard time fitting everything in and just concentrating, I want to, but it feels so overwhelming. I guess that means no or wait!

Well thank you all for your prayers and love. The kids were fabulous on our trip, they didn't fight or argue they were wonderful in the car (it was 10 hrs in the car) Thank you God for your love and provision and protection....

Today was first full day back at home, it was an okay day. I spent most of it with a friend just trying to be at peace with being here and being happy and excited for the kids. They are struggling with being back here and have been asking when we can move down with my sister and her family. It was so wonderful to feel free to walk down the street and go play at the playground with no fear of a sighting or confrontation or him possibly calling or emailing or whatever. It was just so nice to not have panic attacks all the time and just feel relaxed and get sleep and actually eat because I wanted to, not because I knew I had to!
THEN, I came home and the kids went to bed and I was alone, so I decided to catch up on some correspondence with some friends, so I was on myspace and stupid me typed in my H's email address to see if he was a member too.... Well, he is and he is advertising himself as single! Talk about a stinger, well, here I am venting to you so that I wont send him a post that says gee that's funny I have a marriage certificate and three children who would say otherwise! I am still sad, and struggling with why am I alone. I realize that his affair is "not my fault" but why is it that I am the one struggling and still wanting my marriage when he clearly does not want that or his three children! I am still bruised and feeling vulnerable and frightened emotionally and I hate this feeling. I am praying and trying to just listen to hear God in all of this, but I hear nothing except Satan trying very hard to attack me mentally and reassure me that this is my fault and that I am a worthless piece of..... and on and on..... I try to stop the thoughts I try to pray through it and change my mind's talk, but it keeps coming I have been having terrible dreams!! I really want this to end! I just want to be happy again, really and genuinely happy. I know that it is fleeting, and that my joy is in the Lord, but I am struggling to just not drown in all the pain and sorrow and loss. I am trying so hard not to hate my H for all of this, I want to just hate what he has done or better yet to just truly forgive him and forget him and move forward until the day that it is shown if this is a forever thing or what. Each day that passes I find it harder and harder to see or feel or believe (or whatever feeling that I can't even put into words now) that my H will ever repent and return to the Lord or that we could even have a chance at recovery because the hurt and disappointment and betrayal and rejection are just so huge! I don't know how God or Jesus did/do it because I sure just can't see how it is at all possible! I know that is because he is still sinning and wayward, but even if he weren't I just don't know how! I know that ALL things are possible with God, but that doesn't mean that it will happen, and the longer that he is gone the farther I drift toward just wanting to move on and finding a new life! I would love to have a companion to share my life with and I thought that I had that and that it was real, but everything was a lie! He destroyed everything we have and now it is all so broken and I hate to even look at the chaos and destruction, my house is a mess and I am alone and hurting physically, emotionally, spiritually.... I don't want to hate or hurt anymore! I don't want to see the despair and sorrow and lonliness and grief that my children are feeling! I just want him to suffer and hurt like he has made us hurt and suffer! For father's day my son wanted to take a bottle of my H's "man soap" and pour some out and then pee and poop in it and send it to his daddy with a note that said I hope this makes you smell and feel as dirty as you have made us feel. How horrible and sad! He is 5!!!! No child should have to feel this!!!! I hate that his daddy who I loved, cherished, and even admired for his I thought dedication and love for his family has become so dirty and ugly and did this! I hate this I hate him and I don't want to be a hater! God please help me how do I do! I don't even know how I am going to provide for them to give us the better life that we deserve. I don't know who I am anymore. I am so empty and lost. I loved him the best that I knew how, I tried to be a good wife and mother. I tried to do a good plan a/b whatever the heck this all is, but I just stink at everything! I feel like such a failure and a liar! I have been trying to make myself and everyone believe that I am okay, but I am not okay, I am angry and sad and lonely and confused and empty and I don't even know where to find comfort, I read the Bible, I read self help books, I pray, I play with my kids, but it is always there like this monster that is trying to consume me. How do I make it go away???????? I really want to be happy and loved! I don't want to be alone!!!!!!!!!!

Last night after I finished my post and finally turned out the lights at 12:30, someone started ringing the doorbell at about 1:05am, so the police came out and checked the property and saw the remaining bruises on my arm and how frightened I was, and recommended that I go to the court house to get a PFA (protection from abuse)order against my H, so today I went and filed the papers, and tomorrow morning I must appear before the judge, and then one week later I must go back with him to face the judge to get a permanent PFA. I just want him to leave us alone. I have no idea who was here last night it could have been just a stranger, but my doorbell is on my back door and it was dark, so they must have had a flashlight or known where it was????
I am so very tired. I am ready to pack the moving truck and head onward into a new life and a new future.
I spoke with one of the pastors from the church, and he told me that I need to stop expending my energies on feeling sad and sorrow and shame for my H's choices, they are his and his alone and he alone will have to answer for them and pay the consequences. I know that, but I haven't figured out how to do that. My children have really been struggling with being back here the joyful happy relaxed children from vacation have disappeared and the pensive fearful sad children have returned. I know that they are seeing my apprehension and tension and I am trying to laugh and do fun things with them. We had a great picnic yesterday at a friend's house and they played in their hottub for hours, but the minute it was time to return to the house my daughter got really ugly and my son started to cry and ask why we had to go home! My realtor has the paperwork ready for my H to sign at the support hearing on the 18th and then our home will go on the market and we can start praying for direction on where our next step can/will be. I would like to open an in-home day care so that I will be able to remain home with the baby (I know he is one he really isn't a baby, but he'll eternally be my baby :))
I know that you have been right about my confusion SunshineSmile, I really have had no plan, I had no idea what kind of a plan I was supposed to have, and I thought or deceived myself into thinking that I had one. As for wishy washying between plans that I was not trying to do! I was committed and am still committed to NO CONTACT. I just want to be left alone and heal my heart and my children's hearts. I want to find true peace and joy and I just have no idea how to do that. I am working on reading His Needs Her Needs and Fall in Love Stay in Love were the only two that our library have, so I am reading and learning so that when or if the Lord desires and does change my H's heart and life or if the Lord chooses that my life will move on without permanently I want to know how to be the best woman and mother that I can and not make the same mistakes ever again, I know that I will inevitably make mistakes but my goal this time is to recognize them and be open and teachable and grow continually....
Time to go snuggle with the kiddos, video time is over....... Thanks for the 2x4 and if I need it again smack me! I want to change and grow and become the woman God will be proud of! A true 10 mina woman!

Please get the legal protection that you need!

I've been praying for you and your children, and even WH. All of this stuff takes so much longer than we would wish. You need to make good choices for you and your children and make a good life.

The Lord will deal with hubby.

Thank you for your vote of confidence Believer. This is just such a hard thing emotionally. I wanted so badly to believe that my husband was a better man, but the sin he is in is making him into this monster.
I pray that the Lord will deal with him swiftly and permanently, I would hate for him to miss any more of his children's lives than is necessary, but I must turn him completely over to the Lord now and move forward. Onward and upward to new and better!

You know, I never had hope that my ex's affair would end, or that he would ever be remorseful. But it did end, less than 2 weeks after we were divorced. And now he is very remorseful. He curses the day he met the OW, and she used to be the woman who couldn't do anything wrong, and his soulmate.

Just keep hanging in there and making a good life for you and your children.

I went on Wednesday last week in front of the judge and was granted a temporary PFA until the 16th when we must both appear before the judge to hear the final PFA decision it can be terminated or can be for up to 36 months. I have heard nothing, except from the sheriff he called to tell me that he served the papers to the OW! WH is more Wayward than ever advertising himself on myspace as single and looking/more to love. What a pig! I don't know if I can ever believe that I want him back after all of this, aren't I better off without him? Not to mention that I don't think he will ever come back. I wish that I could believe again, but I am just tired and want some peace. I left after the warrant was served, and went away for the rest of the week, just got back a little bit ago with the kiddos. It was a nice weekend down on the boat with my parents and best friends. I am doing pretty good emotionally, just lonely. I want so badly to have someone to share all the amazing new things that the baby is doing and the new things that the kids are learning, tubing, swimming, etc.... I really hate that part of all of this, but know that we are so much better off without him. At least when he is acting like an idiot. Sorry but he is, he has a great home and three beautiful children and I tried very hard to love him and continually learn to love him better, but he didn't want that, so I just keep moving forward one lonely day at a time trying to heal and find the way to put the pieces back together!

How was everyone else's 4th of July? Any good fireworks displays? I missed my tradition due to the WH and in laws we avoided them, sure missed it though! Time for new traditions....

Watched the movie Evan Almighty last night with the kids. It was a good movie, funny, it was nice to relax and laugh!
The movie really made me think about some things. There is a part in the movie where the wife is unknowingly talking to "God" and he tells her....

"If someone prays for patience, do you think God will give them patience or the opportunity to be patient. If a person prays for courage, will God grant them courage or give them the opportunity to be courageous, and IF someone prayed for a closer family do you think God would zap them with warm fuzzies or give them the opportunity to love each other...."

It really made me think about the things that I have been going through and the story of Noah, he worked on that boat for 120 years! before one drop of rain even fell!!! What kind of faith do I have to give up hope after 4 months?!?!?

Please help me to keep on keeping on. Please pray for the next week, I am still having problems since the physical altercation and have to go back to the doc for possibly more x-rays. That is on Monday, Wed is the final PFA hearing and Friday is finally our support hearing. So, I will have to be with WH on Wed and Friday, and I don't even know how or what to say or act near him. I am still afraid of him! I still miss him or at least the old him and that frustrates me, I just want to move forward and not have it hurt so badly every day!

Hang in there and you just really need to trust in the Lord. Things are hard right now, but I promise you that things will get better. I've been praying for you and your family.

Take care of the little things and the Lord will take care of the big things. Don't give up.

MB will help you recover. Hopefully it will be with hubby, but if not, then alone.

Thank you for your prayers I appreciate them so much. I sometimes wish I could get a glimpse of just my face a year from now to see if I am finding the peace, happiness and joy that I am praying for. Not to see if WH is home or anything other than myself and the journey I am on and how I am progressing.

Some days are good, and then there are days like today that are just emotionally hard. It is funny because there was nothing earth shattering about today, just feeling lonely and overwhelmed at the enormity of still cleaning out WH's mess he left behind and realizing that the things left behind were from the man who "died" to this sin and adultery! You know the church clothes, his Bible, his "toys" that he played with with the children. I don't want to hate him, I do hate what he has done to our children and our home and our family and to me, but at the same time, I am a totally different woman now and in some ways I am very grateful for the changes in me, but they came at such a huge cost that it is hard to understand that this was the "best" way to achieve them!
I know, I know, this is about HIM and HIS choices, but they affect so many others than HIM, and I know he can't see that nor does he care about that, I just miss our life together before all of this happened we used to do so many fun things and hang out and talk and play with the kids and now all I have is this site and my kids! My church never showed up and I called my old church today to see if they could start picking us up in the church van to begin attending there again. I so miss having fellowship and people to come around and help me to just keep standing. I just wish some would pick up the phone even and say, we're praying for you, or we love you or anything! People will say it when they see us, but in between there is nothing! I guess people think I should be better by now and over it? Should I? Is there something wrong with me that I can't seem to let go of the last 11 years of marriage and 3 years of courtship and 4 years before that of friendship? 18 years total to move on from in 4 months? I guess I am just slow!
I am trying to work on me, and some days we (the kids and I) are great, and others all I want to do is sleep and forget it all. My family is even frustrated with me because they don't want me to waste any more thought or time or life or breath or anything on that stupid man. I wish it was that easy, but everytime I try something happens and puts him back in my life or day or thoughts. How long till it will stop?
Am I "running away" by wanting to sell "OUR" home and have a new life for me and the children in another town or place where they are not everyday going to be a possibility? I want to heal, I want a life, and it just isn't happening!?!?! Maybe it is because I am stubborn or polish and just want the happy ending?
How do you know when it is time to file or move to Plan D? How long do you stay in limbo land and hope and pray?I know I am not there yet, but how do you know?
Heavenly Father I know that each day is an opportunity to live for and glorify you, but I don't even know what that looks or feels like, please Father God please help me to trust and have faith to just keep moving forward one day one hour one minute at a time.

Please pray for my children. They are having such a difficult time with being home. They want to pack up and leave this place, but we have so many pieces of the puzzle to get figured out yet. They are coming close, but not yet.
Tomorrow we meet with the lawyer about the PFA (Protection from Abuse) case. We have to walk there and home, it will be about a half- three quarters mile walk each way, so I am nervous how the kids will do since I couldn't find a babysitter, but I know that when the rubber hits the road they are usually great for me, it is during the meeting that I hope I have enough to entertain them. I still have to print out the pictures from the incident and I hate even looking at them. It makes me struggle even harder with the fact that the man that I have loved for so long is gone and all that is left is this evil monster who has taken over his life. I don't want to feel sorry for him, but I do. I think of all that he has missed already in the 2 years that he has been "gone" and then the last 4 months that he has been physically gone from the home and the growth and changes and things that the children have done during this time. I wish that he was sufferring and struggling with this. I know that some have assured me that he is, but I really don't see the evidence of that, all I see is this man who has ruined his life, his family and his reputation and he thinks that he is doing a good thing and that this is right and ewwww! YUCK! I guess that is part of the problem, every time that he looks at me he sees goodness and faithfulness and love, and he hates those things because they are good and right and Godly and he is not, but he used to be all of those things. I keep trying to remind myself of the good in him, but to what avail? That man is gone and he wants no parts of us. Why do I keep tormenting myself? I don't really miss him persay anymore, I miss the idea and the memory of him. I miss having a companion and a partner to share with and I miss having someone to talk to. I really hate this, I want to move on, but don't even know what moving on really means. Is that alone? Is that waiting for him? Is that a divorce? Is that remaining in limbo land?
I called our old church today to ask if there was a way that we could become a part of the transported to and from church on the church van, and the pastor said he would love for us to come back. I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not, but I need to get to church with no transportation we have not been to church in about 6 weeks. I miss the worship and the community and we need the support and love that a church family is supposed to provide. I am disappointed in our church that we had been attending. There was no love in action there. I have called the church office, ladies from my bible study etc, and no one calls me back. I know that summer is difficult with vacations and such, but I haven't heard from anyone in a long time. I spoke with the pastor before leaving for my sisters house and he assured me that the church was aware of my needs and they were working on addressing them, but it has been 4 months and no one has called, visited or anything? I am a little confused and not sure what to make of this. Clearly God wants me here in this current situation to learn something or to see something or I don't know what. I just wish that I could find some clarity and direction!!! Am I wrong to be disappointed and frustrated by the lack of support from the church? Am I missing something here?????????

You need to find another church. I can tell you that my church HELPS it's members. We take care of them, and if anyone has a need there are 100 people lined up to meet it.

Find another church!

And still praying for you and your family.

HI KLB,

I'm praying too for you and your family.

You strength and commitment is amazing to me. I just know that G-d has a blessing for you one day beyond anything you can imagine.

It's just so hard during this time, but you are doing just what you need to and being a servant of G-d is the worst possible set of circumstances.

Hey(((Queenie)))) It was nice to hear from you! Thank you for the encouragement I sure needed it! I just got home from the my meeting with the Women in Crisis lawyer. It was kinda depressing, she was visibly upset with the Judge who we would be in front of, yippie more good news, NOT!

I am so tired and the fight hasn't even really begun, but I don't want to fight or argue, I just want oh who knows! Not like I have gotten any of what I want in this so far, I don't even know other than him to stay away from us for now what else I really really want! I know that he is still very wayward and angry and lost, so what I want doesn't even matter, so how do I move on? The lawyer said that he is going to be granted at a minimum custody every other weekend! In that environment!!!! I hate this, this is not fair to the kids, we chose to raise them in a morally upright way in a conservative Christian home and because he went and changed his mind now we all have to too! I THINK NOT!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Auntie Em, Auntie Em, I want to go home!!!!!!!

OH KLB,

I know how you want to protect your children from what's happening. I too lost this point in court and if my YS wants to visit his dad at his home, then OW will be there.

All we can do is be the example, stand by our morals and set the example of what is right or wrong. The truth will stand on it's own.

I understand being tired and not wanting to fight. I also know that you want it to all just go away and be like it was before.

This is a beautiful question. One that I struggle with daily, hourly if not minute and then by second. I just keep praying, seeking G-d for help, and coming here and letting those who understand take care of me by talking to me, encouraging me, and giving me strength to keep putting one toe in front of the other.

{{{{{KLB}}}}} I promise you, you are so not alone. We are here together and will walk through this every step of the way. Cry about your feelings, talk about them, get them out and truly know that one day you will have a good day and you will know it will be ok.

I still to this day have horrible, good, bad, and super days. I just wish they didn't mix with each other.

Believer,
I contacted our old church yesterday and they provide transportation for people who have none!!! Yeah, I contacted the men in charge and on has already responded and they are mobilized and ready!!! He also asked if I had anyone to babysit or go with me to court next week for either day, WOW! I wish I would have made the call long ago, but I felt that I should give my congregation and pastors a chance, but 4 months is long enough! I really need help and I need encouragers and a safe place to worship God with others who will be there for me through prayer and word, deeds are nice, but I just need the support net!

I pray that this is God's will for the kids and I at least for now.

Please pray everyone... I met with the lawyer today about my Protection from Abuse, it does not cover the children, he can come and take them at any time since there is no formal custody agreement. Also there is a possibility that this lady judge will deny the PFA altogether! Please pray for the Lord's will in this and for WH to hit rock bottom and see all the destruction and hurt that he is causing and see that the only way out is Jesus, he is the way the truth and the life!

Thank you all!

klb,

Trust that you will be okay. Because you WILL BE OKAY.

You asked how you will go on?


You will.


Because your children expect you to.
Because you will go on.
You must.

And you will. Take one day at a time. If one day seems too much, take just the morning, or just the afternoon. If that seems too much, then just take one hour at a time. Or just take the next five minutes.

Because you CAN get through the next five minutes. And the next five after that.

You CAN.


You are a Christian. Look at what your Savior experienced as a man. He went through 40 days in the desert. Being beaten, and crucified. He got through that with his faith and knowledge of God. Yet he was just "a man" at that time, fully human. He experienced that pain as you and I do. Our example that we must have faith, we must endure, even when we know it hurts.

We take it one minute, five minutes, one hour, one day at a time. Whatever we can take, that's what we do.

Soon enough, you will not be looking at "just getting through it". You will BE through it.


You climb every mountain one step at a time. It doesn't matter that you climb quickly, but that you climb. Look back every few days and say, "I made it this far." You HAVE made it this far.

You thought you wouldn't. And yet you have.


You will make it through, you will climb this mountain, and the next one. God is carrying you, and helping you. Just trust in Him. When you don't think you can carry the load, then let Him carry it.

SB

Hang in the! Glad you have some church support. It is so important, not only from a practical standpoint, but as emotional and spiritual support.

Still praying for you and your husband (to turn away from sin) and your children.

Hello everyone, It is sunny Monday late afternoon here in good ole PA. Today was my follow-up appointment with the doc after the "incident" last month. I am doing okay, bruising is almost all healed, but still having pain in my chest. Doc said that will take more time to heal. She photocopied her reports and gave them to me for the court appearance on Wed for the final PFA hearing. I am a little nervous not really for the outcome because I know that even though I got a tough judge I have someone even more powerful who has the ultimate control. However, this will be the first time since the "incident" that I will be seeing him! Best case scenario, he will realize and know that he messed up big time and not show up, then will just proceed to be put in effect and no big deal. I just don't want to see him yet, I am still afraid of the monster that he has become. It is scary to see someone that you love so much who had the light of Christ in his eyes for so long to lose that and become an empty shell and for them to think that they are doing great! and that this is what life is really about. WoW!! I sure am glad that I know the truth and that I know that that life is empty, it may look fun on the outside and feel good satisfying the flesh for a while, but hello can we say too many diseases and bad things to deal with!
The other thing that was a total blow today was when I was at doc's office one of the nurses who is/was a friend of H and mine told me that another mutual friend was killed on her way to work on Friday night and she left behind a 9 month old baby (she and baby's father both worked with WH) I would like to attend the services and be there for our friends and their family, but I know that he will probably be in attendance too, so don't know what to think????? Especially with the PFA it would mean that one of us would have to leave, and really the people would probably tell him and OW to leave because they are so upset and disgusted by what WH did, but I don't really want to cause a scene! Not that I would do anything or say anything, but I know that OW would and then it would start him too...
Weekend was good, attended the other church yesterday and was welcomed back with open arms and many requests on how they can help the children and I. It felt so good to be back with all of those familiar and loving faces. The wierd thing is now that I finally made the decision to move forward and move on, now the other church's pastor has been calling and asking how she can help me? I am so confused, but I think it is a situation of too little too late. Not that I want them to do it for me, but I really need a "family" to hold my hand and help me through this. There are still SOOOOO many decisions to be made and I don't know how to make some of them. The most pressing decision that I am praying about is what to do for the children for school this year. I will know a lot more as to whether I will be able to remain in this house for another year or if it will need to go on the market immediately. I am ready to sell it and move on, but don't know where I can go in this area for less than I am paying now. We sacrificed and moved into the city in order to have more for our children in the way of lifestyle and space in the home and the housing market here right now due to the economy is TERRIBLE. My home has lost tremendous value and with the debt my WH has against the home my realtor said that he does not think that now is a good time to put it onto the market if we don't have to. He wants me out of here and safely away from WH, but he doesn't want to hurt me even more financially to achieve that.
I know that God is in total control and that all things will get worked out in HIS PERFECT timing, but the human side of me is exhausted and just wants to see some progress and a little justice. I know that it is not mine to give out because I would never get it right, but it is hard to be hurting and struggling so much and see him strutting around and not paying his support for the last few weeks and being "happy" in the worldly fleshly sense. I just want to see that smirk and stuff smacked off his face for all the selfish hurtful things that he has put his children through. When you have children you are supposed to sacrifice yourself and your selfish wants for their needs, but that was definitely not the example that he witnessed growing up, and without a mentor discipling him it made it all too easy to not learn and take the initiative to change and grow in the Lord on his own. Now mind you I am not trying to make excuses or excuse his behaviors in any way, but I am human enough to admit that I can see how things happen! I have been reading His Needs Her Needs, and I am learning so much and have been taking a lot of it to heart in fact today I went to a local make-up boutique and learned how to more fashionably apply my make-up so that I can look better when I do see WH this week and mostly for myself. I lost 55lbs so far and am working on my self, I am enjoying it, but now it is time to put the package together. The last piece of the puzzle is that I need to get my hair styled. I have been looking back over pictures from the past few years trying to remember what he said looked good and which he didn't like. Not that I am only trying to please and flatter him, but I am still committed to my marriage and to myself, so I figure I should look pleasing to him and to me!
Things have been okay here kids are holding on they have not even asked for him in almost 2 months, we still pray for him every day and we pray for God's guidance and direction and wisdom for us. I have learned that I don't need him or any man to make my life good, but I have realized that I like to have a companion someone to share with and talk to and do things with. I am struggling in this area since I don't have any single (any sexed) friends to do things with, so I am often a third wheel. I am also still working and struggling with what to do for a job. I have been praying about it and trying to learn about me and what I love and where my passion is. I wanted to open an in home day-care, but with a PFA against my husband I am going to have a very hard time finding people who are going to trust me with their children. So, I am not too sure what else I can do from home to save myself the expense of childcare yet provide some much needed income for the children and I. Any suggestions??

I pray that everyone else is hanging on and had a good weekend, thank you for your prayers and wisdom...

KLB

Sorry for not remembering your whole story, but didn't you say you were working on Master's Classes? Does that mean you have a Bachelor's? In what? What were you training for?