OK people,
Here's a hard question I know. I've been debating this about my wife for the last # of days....IF she ever wanted to come back in the near future....

Just found out the EA (which seems to be about 6 months long from what I now look at) turned to PA sometime after she left me the last couple months. 4 days ago I confronted her because I found out she was staying overnight at his house. She is living in an apartment with a friend of hers for the last 2 weeks, last month at her parents. She admitted it. Doesn't seem to care too much that I found out. Saw her yesterday and she treated it like any other day. Not sure if she is still in the fog or really feels it's done. I'm thinkning Plan B is now. Tried Plan A for last 2 months with no sucess. She admitted that she knew I was trying but it made her feel annoyed. I'm not sure if she is still hanging with this guy or not since I caught her.

We've been together for 8.5 yrs. lived together for 6.5, married for 1.5yrs. No kids, were just getting into the stages of trying.

Now that she has done what she's done is there any point in trying to save this? I love her with all my heart. I do still picture a future together, her being the mother of my children, BUT there will lots of work to do. Is it worth it? Find someone else???

Chime in people!!

97% of affairs end within 2 years. Of the remaining 3%, 75% end within 6. This is a tiny 'success' rate.

A marriage based on the Harley principles IS a marriage worth striving for. Only you can decide if you are willing to work towards that.

This site is all about saving marriages, but my personal opinion is this:

If you don't have any kids, and you've got the ability to D without falling apart, do it.

There are about 3 billion women on this planet. Why be tied to one who cheats?

Because he wants to....that's really all we need to know, isn't it?

Everyone is entitled to their own perspective and choice.
In my case, if it weren't for DS3, it would be over.

Now with that said, my decision to give her a chance to recover was based on having a child and not wanting to break up his home. I am hoping that in time I will come to stay based on HER. How she re-commits, how she changes and grows, and who she decides to become for her, our son and me.

But I certainly agree in priciple with K71.

Remember, we are only giving our individual opinion on topics posted here. Each person can take what they need and leave the rest.

Far too often I see people responding to respondees because they don't agree with an opinion. No-one's opinion is more valid than anyone else's. Let's not knock each other down trying to be more righteous than each other.

We're here to help.

Sorry I havn't caught up on all of your threads yet.

Have you done the plan A and exposed? It sounds like you really want to try and save your marriage. At this point assuming you do want to save your marriage, I would suggest Starting with plan A. In order to get her to even start working on the marriage, the A has to end. Also, watch out for the LB's.

Good Luck

I'm working on the exposing.

I talked to her Dad but didn't come straight out about it. Said she has hurt me in the worst possible way anyone can and I wanted them to know this marriage is on it's last legs. They said they would try to talk to her a couple nights ago but I have no idea if they did. I want to know if they talked, but don't want them to get too involved.
I have told my family and friends for support.
I have told one of her best girl friends but she is out of town until Aug., her other best friend is trying to stay out of our situation becuase she got too involved early in and has told me that she needs to stay out of it, but I don't think she understands how serious this is. I have left a message for her to call. She hasn't but I don't want to leave something like this on the answering machine.

She has been out of the house for 2 months, that's when I was working on plan A but didn't know about the affair and plan A wasn't really working then. As of 2 weeks ago she has signed a lease with a friend of her for an apartment for a yr. The other girl friend is also going through a separation/divorce as the guy completely kicked her out and started another relationship. Now that I know about the affair I assume Plan B is only left.

She has moved everything out awhile back, she is in her apartment, the car she was using that I owned is now gifted to her and we are having the house appraised for separation papers tommorow,. Niether of us have gone to lawyer yet but it seems the direction she wants to go. I've asked if she will come home, after confronting her on the affair, she said no.

Can't tell if she wants the marriage over and that was the decision before the affair, or if the affair now is putting her in the fog.

I want this marriage but don't know if it's worth fighting for anymore since she will not put in an effort. Not sure if she has ended it with the OM

Alonewithouther,

I’m a FWW who had an online-EA a few years ago.

I’ve always believed if my H would ever cheat on me emotionally, I would probably give the M another chance (depending on the circumstances and the level of emotional betrayal), but if it would be an A that included sexual intercourse…no way. My H shares the same view. To both of us sexual intercourse with an OP is the deepest and final level of betrayal. However, most people on these boards whose WS’s/FWS’s had been in PA’s said the same thing beforehand (e.g. that they would immediately leave their spouses in the case of sexual betrayal), but decided to stay in the M and are happily recovered now. I guess one can never say for sure until it has happened to you. Therefore, now that this has happened to you as the BS, only you can decide what to do. There are many M’s on these boards that have fully recovered after PA’s, but in some of them the BS’s said the biggest motivator that made them stay and recover was the children. You have the advantage of no children yet, so the matter will be far less complex for you should you decide not to stay with your W.

A few days ago my younger brother (27 yrs) contacted me in a state of total despair. He caught his W (23 yrs) dating with another man and the same day she spent the night with this OM and left my brother alone at home with their 2 young children (4 yrs and 1,9 yrs respectively). They are married for 3 yrs now. I’m SO angry and personally I feel I NEVER want to see or speak to his W again. If it wasn’t for the children, I would actively encourage him to divorce his W immediately and find someone later on who will be faithful to him. But since the children are involved in this mix, he wants to try and keep the M together. Since this has happened, she has manipulated him into feelings of guilt and into believing that her actions was his fault and that he is to blame for it... At the moment I’m communicating to him as best as I can to let him understand the adultery was 100% her CHOICE and that he can NEVER take blame for such a selfish and cruel act. I just hope my words will get through to him.

My first thought when I’ve read your post was to leave your W since you are still young and there are no children…but I guess at the moment I’m biased because of my brother’s situation.

Do you think you'll be able to forgive her if she is truly repentant? Can you trust her again? Do you think her A is her way of notting dealing with the issues in your marriage, and she is just unwilling to face them head-on? Do you believe she is in a fog and will one day snap out of it, so that she can be commited to moving forward again?

Personnally, my marriage isn't in trouble due to infidelity (though I find this site extremely helpful as most of it still applies), but I believe that I can forgive my wife for all the hurt she's caused. I believe then in time, she can forgive me as well. I believe that she is in some sort of fog and believes that not dealing with our issues and starting over is easier then dealing with them. One day, she'll realize that divorce is forever while these issues can go away, hopefully she won't realize too late. I believe that I owe it to the vows I made, to my wife, and to my children to stay committed to the marraige as long as I have the strength to do so.

I wish I remember where I heard this before, but the phrase is "Don't settle for lovers less wild". In other words, which is the better, more fulfilling, and more honorable life? To let go and move on, or hang on? Which one is running away from reality and which one is embracing life?

You are once again putting your foot in your mouth. The poster ASKED for views and opinions on this topic...yet, here you are AGAIN trying to stifle conversation.

One more thing. It seems that part of this process and any other process I've seen for recovering a marriage is about fixing the qualities that are wrong with you and with your relationship with God, as well as your relationship with your SO.

If you give up before it's time to give up, will you miss out on fixing yourself for whatever is in store for you in the future?

AL

Attempting recovery is about the hardest thing I ever did. Theres not a day goes by that I don't feel hurt by my wife's infidelity even now after four years.

At my lowest points I would certainly have divorced were it not for the kids (and my FWW it seems) being happy without a D.

I would spare you the indignation, and yearning hurts recovery will certainly offer you as you may find yourself the kind of BH who sees the PA every time you close your eyes.

But then, you may be the kind of BH who gets over it very quickly and you will have thrown away an opportunity to have a wonderful marriage.

I do not know personally how traumatic divorce is as nobody I know IRL ever went through it, but I have seen enough on here to know it snot a pain free solution either.

I can only offer this : it is not good to make life-changing decisions while we are temporarily emotionally reeling.

I propose that you read up on MB; plan A and expose to work for the end of your WWs affair, and once you are restrained and objectived THEN look at how you feel about staying with a wife who cheated without children.

Its a grim place to have to be, but welcome anyway, friend

mel_vin,
my wife doesn't like to deal with issues especially if they have emotion involved, she is always scared of confriation. I think you might be right that this affair is becuase she doesn't want to deal with our issues. She is very dependant and seems like she latched on to him for support and have someone there so that she doesn't want to deal with our issues maybe? Then it developed into something?

Your uncertainty is not uncommon. As has been advised, it's not a good idea to make a major decision while you're in emotional turmoil and upheaval. Your feelings will change as time goes by. Let the time go by and see how you feel and think about things later.

I would also add that you shouldn't bother trying to read her mind and divine her thoughts and use those as the basis for your decision.

I'm just getting to the point that the pain is too much. She has done so many wrong decisions (if she wants us to have a chance later) that I can't stand it anymore.I want this marriage to work but I can't make her work on it. I realize that, and it hurts too much to keep trying especailly now that I found out that she is having an affair. It's affecting work, my social life, getting things done at home.

I think I need to tell her I need to walk away. It hurts too much. I can't work on this anymore until she feels she would want to.

Well, the point of Plan B is to preserve your feelings for your WS, so if you truly are at the point where you can't be around her any more, maybe you need to do it. Do you have anyone supporting you? Someone to talk to?