I am wondering about this because we are supposed to fill a spouse's EN's, yes? And if we don't this provides an opening for an A?

MelodyLane: Let me add something to what I have already written to you. I hope I'm not being too redundant.

You will hear Joyce and I repeat, "there are reasons but no excuses." One of the reasons for an affair is that emotional needs are not being adequately met in marriage, which makes an affair that meets those needs more tempting. But the same thing can be said of some who rob banks. They may be out of work, need money to pay the rent, ask for a loan but are refused by the bank, which makes robbing it more tempting. One reason for the robbery is that the bank refused the loan, but it wasn't the bank's fault that it was robbed. On hindsight, a bank might have helped the robber get the help he needed through social services, but the bank is under no obligation to do so, even though they advertise that it is a "caring bank."

An affair is different from robbing banks in that a couple have promised to be more caring than banks. But the principle is the same. The lack of care by one spouse does not excuse harmful behavior by the other spouse. Even when one spouse absolutely refuses to be affectionate, or to make love, or to talk intimately, or to join in recreational activities with the other spouse, it gives them no right to have those needs met by someone else of the opposite sex in an affair. They have the right to separate until the other spouse meets those needs, or even divorce when it becomes obvious that there will be absolutely no cooperation (there are many who strongly disagree with me on that point). But an affair is so cruel and so painful that nothing any one spouse does (including having an affair themselves) can justify the suffering that an affair causes.

Making a disgraceful act more tempting by someone is no excuse for that person committing the disgraceful act. Besides, in most marriages, there are times when emotional needs are not being met for reasons beyond anyone's control. That's why I recommend extraordinary precautions to help spouses avoid an affair. They are to not allow anyone of the opposite sex to meet their need for affection, or intimate conversation, or recreational companionship, or sexual fulfillment. When those needs are met, they deposit so many love units that you are likely to fall in love with that person, and make you hurt your spouse in the worst way possible. I hope that explanation helps.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

JustKim talks about Steve Harley's RECOVERY comment: *primary reason* for an affair [Re: _Larry_]
#3251917 - 06/03/07 10:02 AM
"As long as you believe that your H had an affair because his emotional needs were not being met (as a *primary* reason) you will be meeting his emotional needs out of fear, there will always be a gun held to your head. Your H had an affair because he failed to protect HIMSELF from his own vulnerabilities, period. He is accountable and responsible for all"

He then went on to explain that perhaps my H has been telling me that "it wont happen again, that I am safe, etc..." BUT that it will likely have little reassuring effect because he is saying things that I believed were *always true*.

He said that until my H proves to me that HE gets it, that HE takes responsibility fully for what happened ( the A, not the downslide of our marriage) that you cannot heal.

Prudent me thought that I'd better start purging so when B started, I started. It was tough for a while, yeah. After a time I realized I stopped counting the months of B...let's see...I remember the date, it was December 15th. So now it's been...WOW 6 months!!

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts about a BS purging a WS from his/her soul.

I understand what you are saying, Charlotte. I really don't have any input to offer on purging the WS from the soul, because I didn't do plan A or B.

The only thing I would offer is that we all move at our own pace. What looks like stuck could simply be a person who processes emotional hurts at a slower rate than you or I might. It could also be a person that needs more time before making a decision.

Even though affairs have many common threads, the marriages they impact are full of variables. Would it be easier for someone who was unhappy before discovery to walk away than someone who thought all was well and were happy when the rug got yanked? Would those without children be able to move on faster than those with? Would longer marriages be harder to release than shorter ones? I think there are a lot of variables that could be at play.

Are you impatient by nature? I am, and I think that might be a factor in how long plans last too. Someone with patience could probably wait a lot longer for change than I could.

Do you think it's that they just get used to each other, like OWH said?

Or...

Could it be that the reason betrayed spouses don't move on easily is that too much of their OWN IDENTITY is wrapped up in the idea that they need someone else to complete them - that now WS that their whole identity is attached to...

and that leaving that identity behind to discover who they really are is more painful than the wound the wayward spouse causes through the remaining attachment?

While my marriage is still recovering, I didn't start recovering until I separated that identity factor and learned how to become myself - my best self without my husband needing to complete me.

We have a culture of "needing someone else to complete us" which creates a neediness and co-dependence that tolerates bad behavior that if we knew who we really were, would be boundaried out of our space in a heart-beat.

So Charlotte - do you need someone else to complete you now, or did Plan A and Plan B serve that purpose of teaching you who you really are?

I don't see it as much as purging WS from your soul. Rather, I view it as discoverying yourself to be whole and complete, with or without WS. Too often, I think people feel they have become complete through their relationship, that their spouse or other half provides something that was lacking in themselves. Then, when the relationship falters and wanes, they once again feel they are broken and incomplete. The healing comes about when you realize you are complete, lovable and good, regardless of your relationship to WS.

You may not always live with WS, but you will always have to live with yourself.

If unmet EN's can lead to an affair when your married, what do unmet EN's cause when you are alone.

In planB or planD or even planA, for that matter, no one is meeting the BS's EN's. I am divorced, staying single for awhile and no one is meeting my EN's. So, when I get in a relationship, do I suddenly become some needy little, hungry EN vacuum?

Maybe that is why I am scared to date. I'm scared I'll meet someone who "needs" to be in a relationship. I may be able to meet 99% of their needs but that 1% and some screwed up boundaries-and I end up here again.

So if everyone is supposed to be happy with themselves and taking time to be alone before jumping into a relationship, I don't get why everyone is running around having affairs because of unmet needs.