I posted in the Resolving Conflict forum under Need Advice. If you need any background you can get most of it there. In a nutshell W was emailing OM on email that I did not know about. I found out through snooping when I felt a change. D-Day 3/15/08. She says it was just for work but it sounds really strange to me. We are in recovery working things out. We are in MC and meeting each others EN. Filled out questionaries etc. to make sure we knew what each needed.

Here's the rub, we argue quite frequently. I feel a lot of it is me not letting go of the past. My W has done everything asked. No NC letter as she states it was not an EA. She won't budge on that. her definition and mine differ. She is truthfully remorseful to what she did however.

I have had a hard time forgetting it. I have forgiven. It just still hurts badly from time to time. Not everyday, but frequently. Any ideas on how to just move forward and not live in the past?

You'll continue to hurt for quite a while yet, but the hurt will get less and the hurting times will become fewer as time goes on.

What do you argue about?
How good are you at POJA?
Here's a good place to start with info on resolving conflict:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5515_qa.html

Then she is NOT doing everything you ask and she is NOT truly remorseful.

This is a big red flag!!!

A No-Contact letter is so very simple to do. Whenever it is refused it is a sign that contact is still occuring (just went more underground).

Mostly argue about the event itself. My big queation is WHY? We have done HNHN are reading Love Busters now. Not great at POJA but working on it. 4 months in I thought we would be further along is all.

She says OM did not know it was a secret email. Basically, she says it is all on her and he didn't know about it.

I agree with tst.

Based on my personal experience, when the NC letter was refused, it meant contact was being made (or would be made) by other means.

It's a simple thing for her to do and to explain that she crossed a line that was not for the good of her M and her DH. You will continue to argue with this door still open, IMO.

Doesn't change a thing.

She had the secrets, not you.

This is true. Can't argue with that. Any ideas on how to convince her a NC letter needs to be sent. Also, could anyone explain to her how the NC letter works ie: what it should contain, who sends it, etc.

Try this link for some help

LINK

Here is What is written in the book "Surviving an Affair"


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

Hope that helps a little.

Thanks. I hope it will but I'm not sure.

Bring it up at your next counseling... It may be the safest place for this discussion. And do this at the beginning of your session, so you will have time to work through it.

Dear Hurtdad,
I read your other thread and see that your wife continues to state that she was not involved in an EA because she did not have "romantic" feelings for OM.

She has decided to use that term, "romantic" as her litmus test for an EA. There are other ways that a relationship can be described as an EA other than having "romantic" feelings for the OP.

For example, was she keeping the contact a secret from you?--yes. She claimed it was because she had to send an attachment to him--is that how the correspondence started?--maybe. Why did she continue to use that e-mail account? Did she have attachments that she routinely had to send him?--doubtful. Another poster pointed out that it is highly unlikely that the work accounts would not have been available to send the attachment. I agree. What has your wife said about this?

OK, so she was sending him e-mail that was a secret from you. Did she send him e-mails at times that you were not in the room? Would she have closed down the window if you happened to stop by her?

Was she emotionally looking forward to the next "conversation" with him and wondering what he would say and planning what she would say?

Did she think about these conversations during her day or during time that she was at home?

Was she wondering about OM and what he was doing and how he was feeling when she was not "talking" to him?

Was she taking time in feeling sorry for him and his problems with his girlfriend? Did she tell you that she was providing support to a man at work who was having problems in his relationship?

OK, so we all know it was an EA or the start of an EA just by the very fact that she had an intimate relationship with an other man--knew of his personal problems and discussed them with him--and you did not even know the guy's name. So will she parse the word I used--"intimate?"

What would you like the no contact letter to say?

With my H's short-lived EA, I felt the "no contact" letter he sent was ok, but there was a phrase or two in it that I found hurtful, But I did not tell him that at the time, because I did not want to infringe upon his "relationship" and ending the "relationship"--dumb, dumb, dumb.

I would suggest something short and unemotional like:

OM,

My communications with you have not been considerate of my husband and my family. Therefore, I will terminate all communication with you and I ask that you do the same.
WW

For me, As soon as I read their e-mails and saw the volume of e-mails, I knew I could not emotionally tolerate knowing that he had any kind of a relationship with her. I knew, without having even yet seen the "marriage builders" site, that I literally could not emotionally tolerate knowing that he had any contact with her. Lucky for me, he was very willing and actually said he felt relief to end the relationship.

For me, that was the purpose of the "no contact" letter: To pointedly state, 'this relationship is a mistake and I am ending all contact.' It drew a boundary that my H was willing to draw for me, despite any embarassment he felt from writing such a letter. It let that Other Person know, this was wrong, a betrayal to my family, and I am ending it. For me, that No Contact letter was needed, just like a cast is needed for a broken bone.

My H's EA was similar in that my H felt that the OW did not "KNOW" that his conversations with her were private. But of course she knew that they were private. Once I figured most of it out and read some of the e-mails that I was able to find, I saw that there were many ways that it was clear that she knew that their relationship was private.

This is part of the fog that your wife is still in. I am sure that she knew in her mind that she was starting a thing up with OM where SHE was feeling some "tension". Call it what you want, she was feeling something from communicating with an OM about his problem homelife, yet not telling you about any of the communications. She may have been at that point in the relationship where she thought she was not disclosing to him that she was feeling some "tension".

Is that why she is refusing to write a no contact letter to him? Is she embarassed to acknowledge to him that that type of a relationship that they were developing was inappropriate?

On the bright side, she does seem to care about you and is working on your marriage in many respects. I am sure that your pain will ebb and flow, but will reduce over time. The two of you can build a better marriage. If this EA only went as far as it seems to have progressed, you are more fortunate than most on these boards. As am I.

But, I know about the pain you feel.

Have her read this and see if any of it rings true for her.

In my case, my FWW didn't want to put anything in writing, lest it come back to haunt us later (it could turn out to be very embarrassing to us and our kids if the OM decided to make it public after recovery, for example).

NC was established once she left the job a few months later. I believe the delay in achieving true NC is one of those factors that's really delayed our recovery.

Hurtdad

I am glad that you decided to post in GQ. I have been wondering about you. Recovery is hard enough under the best of circumstances. At the least,your WW needs to acknowledge that what she did hurt you and was therefore wrong. Then she needs to let the OM know that. Thus a NC letter.

God's Blessings,

Say

We are really working hard. Saw MC last night. Went very well. I will ask her to read your post. I found it very helpful.

Praying for you!

Say

Thanks for the prayers. Things seem to be looking up. Tired of being down we are really working on moving forward and being happier.

My husband never did a NC letter to the OW for EA. He did stop going to the gym where she went and after MC and help from this site, he has no interest in seeing the OW. He would have gotten involved in another mess with another women and realizes it now. Also, he was there when I caught her number in his cell phone and I called her in front of him. I think at the time if I knew about a NC letter I would have encouraged it. I also had thoughts of revenge affair out of resentment for what happened. It is so easy to do but when I have these thoughts I come to this site and usually it brings me back to reality that I can't undo the past. I refocus that the conflict has been good because my husband and I have the relationship we've always wanted. I wanted to divorce him but it took his commitment to recovery that led me back to him. If your wife is commited and brutally honest you're on your way. You have to go at the pace that works best for both of you. My WH was much quicker at recovery than I was.

Her pace is much quicker than mine. I understand that she wants it all gone yesterday. I am slower. She understands that also. We are closer than before and it is sloooowly getting better.