I couldn't take things the way they are anymore! My H will probably hate me for the rest of time but I did what I had to do. I called Mia at work and called her every name in the "nasty word dictionary"!<P>Oh, yes, she tried to get a word in edgewise, about how my H was telling me the truth. About how their affair had been over for months. How she thought she was being sincere in appologizing to me here because I was refusing to talk with her. Hell, now everything seems to be MY FAULT! <P>I took such offense at her insisting for me to listen and believe my H that this relationship of theirs is over! Why am I being so crazy! H and his precious Mia have taken away my sanity, my self esteem, my self worth. How do you all "get over it"? I just can't. Plain and simple. I just can't. Even if I have a day where there is no argument of any type, I still "think" about it. I know from everything I've read here that I should be directly most of my anger at my H instead of Mia. I hate to admit that I primarily feel such hatred for her because I am downright jealous that she makes my H happy and I can't.<P>Yeah, Sweetpea will say that I'm "on the pity pot" again and she's right. I'm just so sick of it all with no indication of any kind that H is making any effort to help fix things. He doesn't want to.<P>Sorry for venting.

Tired Lady- I really understand what you are going through. I too can't seem to stop obsessing about the ow - everytime I see her car parked at H's office the rage is unbearable. I have been wanting to call ow for so many months but H freaked when I told him I was going to. (she works for him and won't get a new job) It doesn't sound like it made you feel any better to call her - did it? Did it help at all with making you feel you'd gained some control or regained some self esteem, dignity etc? I wish I could help you but all I can say is I can't take it anymore either and I am on the verge of doing something I may regret - I want revenge and feel I can't move on until she pays for destroying me and my family and gets out of out life.<BR>BTW - I saw from your profile we are "neighbors". What is your story? (none on your profile) Does your H work with ow?<p>[This message has been edited by Simone (edited October 15, 1999).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Hell, now everything seems to be MY FAULT!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It is.<P>Look, TL... you’re entitled to be angry, hurt and betrayed. What your H did(and what I did) was despicable. But you need to decide what you want to do. You have what so many people here would <B>kill</B> for: a contrite spouse who is willing to work with you on restoring your marriage. Either work with him, help him to know how to fix your marriage <B>with</B> you, or get out. Mia is currently the strong one in this little triangle, because <B>YOU</B> are giving her power over you. Use that energy to work on your marriage.<P>Hate and anger are no way to restore a marriage. We’ve had too many examples of that here. Don’t be another one.<BR>

Tired Lady--<P>Sometimes we just gotta do that thing we're NOT supposed to do. <P>So you blew off some steam at her. Forgive yourself for lashing out. And try not to do it again. Fault schmault...at this point, who cares whose fault it is, everybody's gotta get through the situation and you are certainly hurting right now.<P>I've forgotten -- are you in counseling?<P>Do you feel any better for having raked her over the coals by phone?

Simone: Thanks for at least validating that I am not alone in feeling the way I do.<P>WhoDat: Not sure if you know the whole story but I can tell you without any hesitation that H is NOT contrite, remorseful, or displaying any desire to "restore this marriage. <P>What should I have done here, thanked Mia profusely for giving my husband up?

Lucks - thanks for the reply. Yes I still go to counseling. My H has stopped going and refuses to go. H thinks I'm the only one who needs to go. (even though he's the infidel)<P>Did calling her make me feel better? I'm not sure either way. I don't have any regrets over what I did. She really could have been telling me the truth and it wouldn't have mattered. I did what I did for me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> WhoDat: Not sure if you know the whole story but I can tell you without any hesitation that H is NOT contrite, remorseful, or displaying any desire to "restore this marriage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OK... overstatement on my part, and apologies for it.<P>But he’s <B>there.</B> That’s more than a lot of people here have to work with.<BR>

TL,<P>You know how much I care about you, but this thing scares me to death. If the W contacts me at all at this point (even though it has been over for 4 months) I sware I'll have a nervous breakdown.<P>It hurts, it scares me, and it reminds me of the terrible mistake I made... I could cry right now.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

You said, "What should I have done, thanked Mia for giving my husband up?"<P>Well ... yes. DUH.<P>Like Whodat said, HE'S AT HOME WITH YOU! You are the one refusing to believe it's over .... you're the one that's still focusing on the affair and NOT the rebuilding.<P>You gotta gotta gotta stop all the lovebusting .... you're gonna HAVE to stop thinking about YOURSELF and think about your H and HIS needs.<P>Sorry. I know that's painful to hear when your whole life has been turned upside down, but if YOU WANT HIM BACK you better CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE or GET OUT.<P>I can't make it any plainer to you. You refuse to believe him (love buster) you continue to throw it in his face (love buster) you continue to obsess over the OW -- WHO'S OUT OF HIS LIFE.<P>HELLO? Who is the crazy one here? Calm down and decide what you want!

Missed this the first time...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> What should I have done here, thanked Mia profusely for giving my husband up?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, you don’t do ANYTHING with her. That gives her power over you. If she’s as awful as you say(and I really have my doubts, but that’s another story), then she’s gotta be <B>loving</B> it that she’s got you so wound up.<P>Either work on it or don’t. Mia is <I>history,</I> and someone once told me that they call it history because it’s in the past. You’re living in the past... work for your future instead. <B>Learn</B> from the past and the mistakes made... “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited October 15, 1999).]

WhoDat: He's here alright - in body only. For the kids. Not for me. He will find anything and everthing to amuse his free time so that it will never include any opportunity to be alone with me. So, yes he's in the house, but that's it. I sometimes wonder if he's just waiting for me to say "GET OUT" or for Mia to say, "COME OVER". Sucks doesn't it?<P>NB - Please explain to me what scares you about having a scorned wife call? I look at it like Mia should have known this may be a consequence of her "bad" choice. I didn't threaten her in any way. Just wanted her to know how very pissed off and hurt I am.

Warning... rant ahead...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He's here alright - in body only. For the kids. Not for me. He will find anything and everthing to amuse his free time so that it will never include any opportunity to be alone with me. So, yes he's in the house, but that's it.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe you’d like to trade places with Chris, or Shattered, or any number of the people here who would <B>kill</B> for the opportunity you have?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I sometimes wonder if he's just waiting for me to say "GET OUT" or for Mia to say, "COME OVER". Sucks doesn't it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>*sigh*... so <B>say</B> it already. It’s the inevitable conclusion with this attitude you’ve got anyway.<BR>

It's been said before...forgive yourself and keep working towards trust and forgiveness. Gosh TL, this is soooo hard to do day after day. I too want to do what you did, but I don't. Not because I'm stronger or smarter and further along, probably because I'm chicken, I don't know. I do know that whne I emailed OW last May it scared her silly and I take a small amount of satisfaction in that.<P>Quit giving your power to Mia...she doesn't deserve it.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

TL,<P>If you had any idea of how much I have suffered, and am suffering... I do NOT condone my actions, or Mia's for that matter (as you know I never agreed with her coming here, for example)... but hear me..<P>I AM DYING INSIDE EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY<P>The ONLY thing that could make me feel worse would be to have to deal with the W of the OM. I am so close to a nervous breakdown, which I realize it from MY decision, but hey, pain is pain is pain. <P>I've heard from the W through nasty emails and every time I get an email with a noname I feel like I'm gonna lose it. I am not exaggerating. I can't take another thing!<P>This, BTW, is not your problem, but you asked, so this is truly how I feel.<P>Hugs, 'cause I know what you've been through, and there is caring here...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Maya: Sorry, but I couldn't thank an adulteress for doing "the right thing". It is up to me. I know. Even if I was the all american dream of a wife right now it wouldn't stop the constant thoughts I have about them. Honestly, I can see my H is on his own emotional rollercoaster ride. But my gut level instinct tells me his true "desire" is to be with her.<P>WhoDat - I guess when Mia posted here she got alot of sympathy about her "doing the right thing". Is that why you think she's not awful? You don't feel taking someone else's husband for themselves is an awful and selfish act in itself? Am I to accept all the blame for my H going along with it? <P>Sorry everyone - I know I am extremely angry and I'm really having one heck of a time moving forward. I'm still glad I can yell here.

Hey TL,<BR>I actually did call the OW & thank her for giving up my H, for having morals (yeah, right) for no longer seeing a married man.<P>But, whoops, H was lying that he wasn't seeing her...and she caught on quickly that I didn't know the affair was back on, so she lied to me as well. Although I did plant some doubt about the divorce being in progress (it wasn't then & isn't now).<P>What fun.<P><BR>Cheryl,<BR>Forgive yourself. All you can do is not go back to doing what you did. Move forward, no looking back.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

WhoDat, Joanie, NB - perhaps WhoDat is right<BR>I should just *sigh* and tell him to GET OUT! It would make both our lives less traumatic and H & Mia would get what they want.

In other words, TL, you're never gonna forgive her? Well prepare to be miserable for a very long time.<P>I know you can't fathom it, but we betrayers have alot of pain to deal with too. AND THAT INCLUDES YOUR H. If you love him, you won't want to see him in such pain and will want to do something to help him out.<P>And do you know how long it was BEFORE I was able to even LOOK in the direction of working on my marriage? Almost a YEAR. How long has it been for you all? <P>He's in WITHDRAWAL ... pure and simple. Be thankful for the fact that's HE THERE with you. The rest will come in time ... but it will NEVER come unless you change how YOU'RE looking at the situation.<P>The ball is in your court.<BR>

TL,<P>NOOOOOOOOOOO<P>They both say it's over... don't do that!!!<P>You can do this!!!!!!!!!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I guess when Mia posted here she got alot of sympathy about her "doing the right thing". Is that why you think she's not awful? You don't feel taking someone else's husband for themselves is an awful and selfish act in itself? Am I to accept all the blame for my H going along with it?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Of course not. You have no responsibilities whatsoever for your H’s decision to have an affair. You <B>do</B> share responsibility with him for the state of your marriage, however.<P>FWIW, I think Mia was very wrong for posting here. This is <B>your</B> haven, and she should have respected that. But in her own way, she’s a screwed up as you are right now. I know... I lived that part. I had a nervous friggin’ breakdown after what I did. My W <B>hates</B> the OW... with good reason. But instead of empowering her, she’s chosen to work <B>with</B> me to make a better marriage. I wasn’t a <B>bad</B> person, any more than I think Mia is... or your H for that matter. Good people can make some very <B>VERY</B> bad choices in life. Mia tried to right that a little by posting here. Another bad move, IMO, but not indicative of any horns growing out of her head.<P>On the other hand, she may truly <B>be</B> a Dragon Lady. I just don’t know.<P><BR>In Harleyesque terms, here’s how I see your future... Your account in your H’s LoveBank, for whatever reasons, went into the red. That’s the main reason he went looking elsewhere. I don’t know why, and actually, it’s immaterial. But now, he’s home. Your account is still in the red, and you are <I>still making withdrawals!!!</I> Mia isn’t making any more deposits, but she’s not making any withdrawals, either. Soon enough, your withdrawals are going to <B>bankrupt</B> your account beyond any possibility of future solvency.<P>Think about something else... Maybe Mia and your H <B>have</B> been telling the truth; they’ve had no contact. But now she calls him crying, about how you won’t believe her, and called her up out of the blue to berate her. Cha-ching! Big withdrawal... you just slammed his “true love” (OK, I know that’s b.s, but at this point in time, the fantasy still has a hold of him). He feels the need to comfort her, because of what <B>you</B> did, and because she’s so distraught, she lets him. Affair resumes, because you felt the need to fan the flames.<P>You have the opportunity to help your H work through this, and you’re blowing it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Sorry everyone - I know I am extremely angry and I'm really having one heck of a time moving forward. I'm still glad I can yell here.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don’t be sorry! Yell <B>here,</B> but work on your marriage at home!!!<P>