I've been married for 8 years this past June. I have two kids ages 4 and 6.

There are huge red flags that my H is having an A, but he denies it. There are 3 different women that I suspect he could be involved with, and I don't know which one.

He was acting strange for two weeks (after returning from a business trip where he met the first woman for the first time), and then he told me that he didn't know if he wanted to be married anymore. He complained about our personalities, our sex life, and how unhappy he's been for years. That same evening, a friend that he had confided in came over and confronted H and told him to tell me. He refused and left. So the friend told me that there is OW that he is involved with that lives out of town but he has daily phone contact with through work.

I found a text pic on his phone that he sent this woman. It was a pic of himself at work. That just doesn't seem like a normal thing to do when you are married. I asked him about it and he said it looked bad but nothing was going on.

There is another woman that works at his office. He has confided in 3 friends that she has hit on him repeatedly. The night he was confronted and left (that I talked about above), he called this woman on his cell. I found this out after checking his cell phone. The call was at 12:42 a.m.

With all this going on, my mind is spinning and searching for answers. I remember about a month ago, him talking about his old highschool girlfriend that he dated for 4 years was back in town. They ran into each other and talked for awhile. He told me that she said maybe they should meet up for lunch sometime. I told him, "Yeah, right." He said that there wouldn't be anything wrong with that.

I really don't know if anything has happened with any of these women, but things aren't the same at home. He says that he will try to go to counseling to see if we can work things out. But he doesn't know if this is what he wants.

Right now he is irritable around me and is acting like nothing is wrong and tells me not to worry that we will work this out.

But he says we'll TRY. He isn't saying he's committed to making this work.

I've been trying to snoop. He has his own laptop that I cannot get on. He refuses to give me the password to the cellphone account, even when asked directly. He got angry about my asking for it. He used to leave his cell phone laying around but doesn't anymore. He even slept with it under his pillow last night after I asked for the password. He also told me he just recently changed the password and I don't need it. I told him I needed it to sort through bills.

I need help figuring out what's really happening.

Wow...is there a WS factory out there that produces these people on an assembly line? It's like there are 8 or 10 models. So many of them sound exactly the same.

There are many wise people here. You'd do well to listen to them.

Consider getting a PI right away. Based on what you have described, it would not take long to get confirmation.

I am sorry but based on your information and number of serious red flags your H is wayward with one or more of those women.

Again, I am sorry you are here but there are a lot of folks here who can help.

He IS having an A. At minimum is an EA (emotional affair), more likely PA (physical affair).

His actions and justifications are cookie cutter wayward.

You need to know it's happening even without the solid proof it may take to get him to come clean.

What will you do when you come to terms with that fact is the question. You need a plan.

Sorry your here, but your in the right place.

tomatoes ~

So sorry to see you here...yes, your H is having an A. These are ALL of the typical signs.

Ditto on hiring a P.I. Beg, borrow or steal (just kidding, you don't need any more drama) the money if you have to. Since he is refusing to give you passwords to anything, I don't see any other way.

Read up on Plan A and exposure. You are going to have to expose these inappropriate relationships. Do you know who any of these OW are, if they are married? You have a lot of work to do regarding snooping (I am sorry to tell you that, I know it feels overwhelming).

Ok, to clarify, here are the steps I think you need to take:

1.) Snoop as much as you can.

2.) Hire a P.I.

3.) Read up and start implementing Plan A.

4.) Read up on and get a GOOD understanding of Plan B. I have a feeling you are going to need it.

5.) Come back here for support, if you are levelheaded and DO what people suggest, you will get the help that you need AND people will continue to respond. If you balk and make up excuses for why you cannot do something (such as exposure or snooping) then you will not get the valuable assistance that you need.

The plans here WORK, but you must follow them! (It worked for me, so I know this to be true!!)

Best luck to you...stay strong, we can help.

Hi Tomatoes,

So sorry you're here, but it's a good thing you are.

One thing I would like to add to the good advice already, is DO NOT share what you know and what you find out, with your husband. You need to protect what you know about his affair at all costs.

Also, DO NOT believe anything he says to you. You will want to believe him, but he will mislead, lie and gaslight you to get what he wants.

He is no longer the husband you know. He has been abducted by aliens, and they control his brain. He must completely end contact with all of these women if he has a chance to recover.

When he speaks to you think "Charlie Brown's Mom"... You know, whah whah whah whah whahh...

I wish you strength and hope.

Here, you are among the best at stopping an affair and facilitating recovery.

Good luck.

OMG, TTH! That is the PERFECT analogy!! It should be standard issue around here!

What the WS spews hurts and indeed it should be viewed this way. Your analogy has the added impact of injecting a little humor in the situation, in a GOOD way, as in the back of your mind remembering how funny that was when you were a kid and even know, when the Charlie Brown adults spoke.

That helps to distract from the pain caused by the things coming out of a WS's mouth.

Added: I wish I had thought of this or someone else had mentioned it when I had to deal with mine. This is GOOD! You are golden!

At the very least he has a wayward mindset.

I agree with all the suggestions you have received. Get a PI to uncover the truth. Think also abouyt a voice activated digital recorder you can hide in his car and a GPS.

What does anyone think about counciling for my self during this time? I went to one of our previous councilers by my self today. I'm not shure what I think. My H says he would be willing to go to counciling with me to try and work things out. If he lies like he did with our Paster I'm shure he would do the same there!

I also have a voice activated recorder I received today. Where should I put it? I was thinking the car! But where in the car?

Under the front passengers seat, but not on the floor, in the springs or cushion. You need to have a mic attachment and thread it between the two front seats. Please make sure you have good fresh batteries and a clean tape.
Velcro straps may help hold it into place under the seat.

When you say mic attachment, do you mean a microphone? I know that seems silly but I haven't ever had to do anything like this before!

Yes, a microphone attachment.

And, I am sorry you have to do anything like this now.

If he's in an active affair, marriage counseling won't help. It's usually best to wait on that until no contact with the OP has been established and you have begun recovery.

If you have the money, I think your money would be better spent on calling the Harleys. Their number can be found under the coaching center (I think). They can give you a PLAN of action to follow versus a counselor who may either sympathize or want to help you "get through this" by counseling divorce.

tomatoes,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you're here.

I wonder if you called the friend who wanted to expose the affair. Ask for more information. It sounds like that friend wants to help, but for some reason wasn't willing to say everything in that situation. Maybe that person could at least tell you who the OW is. That would give you a place to start looking for clues.

SB

I have talked with the friend, who told me it was with the woman he talks to on the phone everyday for work. I'm going to ask more details. All I know is that he might be emotionally involved with the other woman. I did put a digital recorder in his car. So far all I've found is him complaining to someone on the phone while on his way to work. He gets so defensive when ever their is W brought up. He thinks I only suspect the one he talks to over the phone. He wouldn't give me the password to verizon. Should I ask him again? If he says there is nothing going on then he should give it to me. I don't think that is the case.

Hi Tomatoes,

Like everyone else, welcome to MB and please know that you are in a very safe place and are getting advice from people who know what they talk about.

Unfortunately we all have this common bond and together we support you as you walk through this, coming to strategize what you are going to do, helping you develop plans to move forward and recover your M.

{{{{{{{Tomatoes}}}}}}}}}}}

No I would not ask him again while you are still snooping. You don't want him defensive all the time. You need him feeling comfortable enough to make some mistakes.
And, yes, your right. He is hiding something or it would not be a big deal!

Are you reading up on PlanA? Hows that going?

I don't know if it works this way for Verizon, but on AT&T, you can have a different account and password for each line, but can view the records of all the phones on the same plan. So, I would try setting up your own account with your own password if you have your own phone.

You should either put GPS on his car or hire a PI to follow him. Or, get a sitter and follow him one day. He is definitely having an affair.

Thanks for coming to help me. I appreciate all of the responses, suggestions, encouragement,etc. I did get the info from the friend and this is what they told me. The only woman that they were informed of was the woman from out of town, but the one he works with over the phone. I was told that he likes her and had feelings for her and that he had connected with her like he has for noone else. I was told that if he could pick his soulmate that is would be her because they have things in common like baseball and she would be happy to sit down and drink a beer with him. I was also told that my H said if she was intown the choice would be easy, but this woman is out of town.
Now, I want to mention some things I forgot about that might be important. The second OW has told him per other friends that she is ready when he is ready. She is the one who works here in town with him. Several nights ago, I came to bed and he was already asleep and he grabbed my arm and said this womans name and said come here.
Also, I did not mention, but feel I need too is that he keeps asking me questions as far as....Do I look good? Don't you think my muscles look stronger? And then a few days ago during sex...(which I am still continuing with for now)....my H was asking questions he had never asked before during sex....they go something like this...Do you think I am good in bed? Is this what you have been wanting me to do? Is this what you have been waiting for? It was really wierd. And then last night in our entire marriage during sex...he couldn't finish....really wierd. I know these things seem really personal, but I am sharing wondering if they are relevant to what is going on.
I had some problems operating the recorder and they are fixed now so I hope to put the tape back in his car next week. Thanks again for all the words of wisdom.