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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
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First I want to thank you for taking the time to read my post. I am welcoming any support and encouragement. I served my still husband of 18 years divorce papers in March of 2008. We have six boys together. We are currently seperated and have been for the past 6 months. Re:unfaithfulness. Discovery: over 2 years ago. Communication/contact with OW not ended permanently.
I have good days and bad days. I currently attend college. Started to go back to school after being out of a class room for over 20+ years. I am a Christian and rededicated my life to Christ 7 years ago. When my kids are with me they are ok when I am ok. I can put a smile on my face even when my heart feels like it is broken in so many pieces. A good day-give thanks to God for all my blessings, play with my boys, atten class, read my bible, prayere and meditate on God's promises. Bad day- hard to do any of good day things I love to do; feel sorrow for and grieve plans and dreams lost; communication with spouse about divorce agreements--yuck!
When I feel like a bad day is brewing I listen to my Christian music to lift my spirit up, read my bible and pray. But when things just happen (I don't know why, maybe lack of discipline, self-control, or wisdom) that can clearly be defined for me as a terrible bad day and I can be consumed by anxiety just facing what I come to call my personal "ground zero"--it is tough. It feels like some bomb went of in my home, my life as I knew it and it is all in scattered pieces. I feel for my children too just imagening what they must be going through. God is good, faithfully good always. My kids and I can count and give thanks for many obvious blessings. And I've come to get down on my knees pour out praises and thanks for over sighted blessings. We are going to be o.k. God's grace is sufficient. I'm discovering what that is as my kids and I live proof of that everyday.
I'm hoping and praying for better healthy communication between my self and soon to be ex-spouse for the sake of our children.
Your thoughts, advice, support and prayers please. Thank you.
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Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
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Your emotions right now are normal. Yes, it is very rough but you will get through it. Have you taken up any new hobbies? exercise? long walks are great.... Remember, there is no "quick fix" to grieving the loss of your marraige. It takes lots of time and effort. 
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4 |
I am on my way to discovering a whole new kind of life as a single mom one step at a time. Realizing I am dealing with so much emotionally and mentally I'm treading slowly and cautiously so as not to take on more than I can handle. First, I find that my time is important and it is necessary I invest it were needed. My priorities are God, my children, and my education.
When I started college every one hour of lecture required at a minimum two hours of study time. Knowing my self I do need more time for my studies and that can only happen if I invest less on other areas of importance. The sacrifices stung-ouch. I know my current circumstances will change.
Anyone know of any material, that can help me with my children? What did you read that provided direction, help to fill(-put in deposits in) your children's emotional bank accounts? Can Dr. Harley's advice for marriage apply in this area too? Your thoughts and ideas please. Prayers for answers and wisdom. Thank you.
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 558
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Some of the best books I used during the 10yrs I spent alone raising my children are by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend - Changes that Heal, Boundaries, and Boundaries with Kids.
Bless you, I only had two. I can't imagine having six to raise by myself! A lot of it was learning where I was cutting myself short and making myself responsible for other people to the extent that it made me unhealthy. As I gained in being healthy, so did my children. They will watch you probably more than they will listen to you. Kids usually do. Just because we tell them something doesn't mean they will believe it. They will watch us to see what we do in all situations of life.
Where respect, interest, finding out who they are and what they need, being flexible, avoiding angry outbursts, and negotiation are concerned - Dr. Harley's principles work in all relationships of life. But knowing where healthy boundaries are and enforcing those boundaries is the only way we can implement Dr. Harley's concepts.
I know it's not much, but I hope it helps.
RMW
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Joined: Oct 2007
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What are your children's ages?
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Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 6,714
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I did learn that it's really important to keep your children out of the relationship between you and your ex. In other words, don't put them in the middle, don't criticize ex, don't ask kids to carry messages, don't ask kids to report on what goes on in Mom's house or dad's house, unless you have clear reason to suspect abuse.
Grace, I get through the bad days, the challenging days, etc by focusing on the pain and sadness as positives. We grow through our suffering and it's as much a gift as the happiness and joy of good days. I also like to call the bad stuff "growth opportunities." Of course, all this reframing of the situation doesn't stop me from grumbling and complaining to God or anyone else who might listen.
Just to be clear for anyone who might be reading this, pain and sadness are different from depression. Depression needs to be treated and headed off. If you think you may be depressed, seek professional help.
Anywho, maybe on a challenging day, you change your prayers at bit. Maybe give yourself a 30-minute pity party and invite God. You can read the story of Job.
Now, about daily life as a single mom... You need to train and delegate. This is excellent practice for joining the workforce, since it takes discipline to take the time to train someone to do something you could do in a couple of minutes.
For example, teach the older boys to do laundry, maybe even ironing. Teach the middle ones to prep dinner, and the youngest to clean bathrooms. Cleaning bathrooms can be a lot of fun when you're allowed to use the squirt bottles and the disposable toilet cleaners.
Unschedule the boys as much as possible. We do one afterschool activity per child, but I've only two. You may need to revamp this. And we have nothing scheduled on weekends. Not having to rush here or there all the time really improved my life.
Be greedy with your free time. In other words, make sure you use your non-custodial time in a way that recharges your batteries.
Divorced. 2 Girls Remarried 10/11/08 Widowed 11/5/08 Remarrying 12/17/15
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Joined: Jun 2008
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Grace,
I'm soooo sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am separated (been separated for 3.5 mos) too...married for 3.5 years. I have only 1 child, and it's rough with him. But I'll try not to complain anymore (considering someone is doing it with 6). Just know that you will be okay. I have good days and bad days, much like you describe. But I KNOW it's getting better because at least now, I can talk about him and the situation without crying. Reach out to people you trust...develop a support group; they will help you. Also, I STRONGLY suggest joining a divorce care group. Google divorce care, and I'm sure you can find one in your area. It's christian-based, and they also have one for kids now too (divorce care 4kids).
Please know you're not alone, and someone is praying for you. Hugs
Christsgirl
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Joined: Jul 2008
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Hello to all and thank you for your suggestions, support and prayers.
I had a rough week. I am realizing I'm having a hard time filtering out the personal stuff (emotions) when communicating with my soon to be ex-husband(XH). Our divorce is not settled yet and I do not want it to be messy and ugly. Maintaining healthy communication is hard and I can and have failed at this on numerous occasions already. I get down on my self for this too. Then I remember that God is faithful even when I am not and He is a forgiving and merciful God. I seek God's strenghth and peace through this. Boy am I going through an intense spiritual battle.
I like reading the Psalms in my Bible. I'm finding out what I am made of through all this. My children 18 years-2 years are getting to know just me when they are with me and they are getting to know their dad when they are with him. I try to set a good example for them, that way when they face their own hardships they can reflect on my example on how I dealt with my trials. For example, when one of them askes why I look sad and have tears in my eyes I (trying to be honest as possible) tell them that I am sad at the moment and my tears are part of my expressing my sadness and hurt. That I feel an empty hole in my heart and that hole hurts. I tell them that God is healilng my hole and He is filling it with His Love.
I have and will resume to attened (depending on my class schedule) a divorce care ministry in my home church. It has been very helpful to me. The advice given and the support provided has gotten me through some difficult times already.
God is good. He is good always. Your prayers please and support. Thank you.
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