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There are plenty enough threads here regarding Hu and his daily struggle with his fogginess...let's leave our opinions about him in those threads.

I'd like to use this one to make an attempt to get his BW the help that she deserves, so we can focus our attention on her healing instead of strictly dealing with his fogbabble.

This is an official invite to Hu's BW to join us so the educated people here can help her in her recovery.

Hu...if you would be so kind as to let your wife know that we would like to help her and that we have now opened an invitation, and a thread for her. Could you do that?...it would be appreciated. Thanks.




Last edited by introvert; 07/16/08 11:10 AM. Reason: sp

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I doubt she knows of the existence of this site. She sure couldn't count on her H to tell her.

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I doubt she even exists. This guy/gal is having sport with the board.

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If this person is having sport with the board, it's a very cruel thing to do. Having some laughs at the expense of some very upset people is not what I would call a fun day.


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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Hi,

Yes I do exists, my husband does have lots of issues (as a lot of you have seen) but he is not lying about me.

I want to thank everyone for taking to him about what he has done to me. We are trying very hard through this time to keep our marriage working for our daughter.

Yes I am hurt by what he did, your right he really has no excuse for what he did. He could've talked to me and been honest from the beginning and I would've changed to not have this happen. It is horrible and the worst thing I have ever had happen to me.

I do hate him some days, but I know we can get through this.


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Welcome to Marriage Builders!
I am glad Hu brought you here.
Many BS's here have been helped through very difficult times. I think on the "Just Found Out" forum there is a quick start guide for betrayed spouses.
If you and Hu want to recover your marriage and make it good, there is a plan here for you.


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Good to see you, huspouse. You do realize you have a big problem on your hands, right? The fact that he won't take responsibility for his actions and is this foggy this far out is very alarming.

Can you explain to me what your recovery has been like? And can you answer some questions?

1. has he answered EACH AND EVERY question you have about his affair?

2. has he ended all contact with the OW?

3. has he opened up his life to you and become completely transparent? for example, do you know where he is at all times? do you have his passwords for email, voicemail, etc?

4. does he show remorse [he shows NONE here]

What is your recovery plan? And most importantly, HOW ARE YOU FARING?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Good to see you, huspouse. You do realize you have a big problem on your hands, right? The fact that he won't take responsibility for his actions and is this foggy this far out is very alarming.

Can you explain to me what your recovery has been like? And can you answer some questions?

1. has he answered EACH AND EVERY question you have about his affair?
He has answered the questions I have asked. He is uncomfortable answering some of them but he answers them. I have not asked SF details I don't want to know them.

Quote
2. has he ended all contact with the OW?
As far as I know yes. They no longer work at the same company and the fact her husband found out I know he is watching her also.

Quote
3. has he opened up his life to you and become completely transparent? for example, do you know where he is at all times? do you have his passwords for email, voicemail, etc?
Yes even the ones at work which he is not supposed to do.

Quote
4. does he show remorse [he shows NONE here]
He is different at home then he is on here. I will say he reacts here just like he does at home when confronted. At least now I have something to hold over him to force answers. Where here he can be more the way he likes to be when confronted.

Quote
What is your recovery plan? And most importantly, HOW ARE YOU FARING?
This being something I never expected I really just take it day by day right now. There is a lot of hate on my part and he is finally coming out of his depression. But I continue to monitor what he is doing and trying to meet his EN's so that we can progress. All not a very easy thing for me to do since I do hate him and the that b$$$@ very much at times.

But I do have my daughter to think of.

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I would love to talk to you more.

I give your husband credit for posting here, and I am seeing many similarities in our lives.

My husband feels my asking him to not flirt with other women online is "controlling" him and he does not want to be a "puppet."

(And this is after he admitted his affair to me, which wasn't an online thing at all!It was just a ONS)

So rather than say that he was willing to do what I needed to get thru this, I am supposed to accept that "that is who he is". He has admitted he is selfish but doesn't see that part as being selfish. And I do not have to believe that everything is innocent anymore. His ONS proved to me his flirting can be taken to the next level.

Everyone (family and friends) are telling him he needs to do whatever it takes to show me, but he has things he does not want to give up, at the expense of my feelings. I believe he is looking for someone to tell me I am off my rocker with my requests! He "protects" me , but not asking some male friends, as he is afraid they will laugh at me for being so insecure. I told them to ask, I can take it. So far, one hasn't.

He does not want to be a puppet and I do not want to be a doormat. We have a mexican standoff.


"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to overcome a difficult one." Bruce Lee

BS (me) 44
WH 39 had ONS on 5-2-08
Recovery started 6-11-08
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Hi Hu's Wife

I know all the pain and hurt is still new and that you still have a long road ahead of you.... My thoughts and prayers are with you and HU.

It is however important that you do allow all that hurt and pain inside to come out. YOU MUST VENT.

If you do or can not vent against HU find a friend or councillor that you can vent against. If you just keep it all inside it will lead to depression.

Our councillor always said that each venting session was a step closer to recovery. He compared it to a sore that if you dont treat it and just suppress it, it could turn into an absess.
It has to be opened up and treated and all the ucky things inside to come out.

There is no such thing as just getting over it. (I hate that quote) If you allow yourself to deal with your emotions it will get better with time.

I wish all the best in your recovery process.

God Bless

Ade

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Originally Posted by BullyMom
I would love to talk to you more.

I give your husband credit for posting here, and I am seeing many similarities in our lives.

My husband feels my asking him to not flirt with other women online is "controlling" him and he does not want to be a "puppet."

(And this is after he admitted his affair to me, which wasn't an online thing at all!It was just a ONS)

So rather than say that he was willing to do what I needed to get thru this, I am supposed to accept that "that is who he is". He has admitted he is selfish but doesn't see that part as being selfish. And I do not have to believe that everything is innocent anymore. His ONS proved to me his flirting can be taken to the next level.

Everyone (family and friends) are telling him he needs to do whatever it takes to show me, but he has things he does not want to give up, at the expense of my feelings. I believe he is looking for someone to tell me I am off my rocker with my requests! He "protects" me , but not asking some male friends, as he is afraid they will laugh at me for being so insecure. I told them to ask, I can take it. So far, one hasn't.

He does not want to be a puppet and I do not want to be a doormat. We have a mexican standoff.

Yes that does sound familure but my husband does not want to be considered property. There have been times when he will not wear his ring and I ask him why and demand he puts it back on to show he is married. He response what I am your property? I just want him to show he cares for me by wearing the ring.

I do worry about him flirting since he does it really easily. Until this happened I never worried about it. I trusted people to not cross boundaries, I now know better.

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I think it is very important to read the material here on affairs and on recovering from them. The guidelines for successful recovery are great and they really do work.

This is also a great place for you to vent as you need to. You should not, however vent with Hu, as that is considered a LB (lovebuster) and is counterproductive to recovery.

I do agree that you have a long way to go. Hu hasn't gotten "it" yet. While I don't think that any WS can truly understand the terrible pain that comes with being a BS, Hu doesn't yet even seem willing to consider that it matters. Hopefully, that will come with time as he becomes less foggy.

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HuSpouse,

First, welcome to MB. I'm sorry you have come here under these circumstances, but I am glad that you are here.

Have you considered calling the Harleys for assistance in recovery. In my opinion, you two are not actually IN recovery yet. Hu is still is withdrawal and still lives in a world of entitlement. HE seems very angry that he HAS to be held accountable for his time and whereabouts, instead of happily surrendering this information to you. HE sounds like a child who is being punished. The Harleys may be able to help him find his way to recovery, if he is willing to give it a try.


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Quote
Yes that does sound familure but my husband does not want to be considered property. There have been times when he will not wear his ring and I ask him why and demand he puts it back on to show he is married. He response what I am your property? I just want him to show he cares for me by wearing the ring.

Next time the wedding ring discussion comes up, you might share this tidbit from Wikipedia about the symbolism of the wedding ring and it's importance to you: (I actually learned something new when I read this!)

In some countries (UK, other Commonwealth nations, Japan, Korea, Ireland, the United States, Mexico, Brazil, Iran, Chile, Italy, France, Turkey, Sweden, Finland, and Slovenia), the wedding ring is worn on the left hand. This choice of finger relates to traditions purportedly dating to classical times, from an early usage reportedly referring to the fourth finger of the left hand as containing the vena amoris or "vein of love"[4]. At least in part due to this tradition, it became acceptable to wear the wedding ring on this finger. By wearing rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. This has now become a matter of tradition and etiquette in these countries.

Link to Wikipedia article about wedding rings


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by huspouse
Originally Posted by BullyMom
I would love to talk to you more.

I give your husband credit for posting here, and I am seeing many similarities in our lives.

My husband feels my asking him to not flirt with other women online is "controlling" him and he does not want to be a "puppet."

(And this is after he admitted his affair to me, which wasn't an online thing at all!It was just a ONS)

So rather than say that he was willing to do what I needed to get thru this, I am supposed to accept that "that is who he is". He has admitted he is selfish but doesn't see that part as being selfish. And I do not have to believe that everything is innocent anymore. His ONS proved to me his flirting can be taken to the next level.

Everyone (family and friends) are telling him he needs to do whatever it takes to show me, but he has things he does not want to give up, at the expense of my feelings. I believe he is looking for someone to tell me I am off my rocker with my requests! He "protects" me , but not asking some male friends, as he is afraid they will laugh at me for being so insecure. I told them to ask, I can take it. So far, one hasn't.

He does not want to be a puppet and I do not want to be a doormat. We have a mexican standoff.

Yes that does sound familure but my husband does not want to be considered property. There have been times when he will not wear his ring and I ask him why and demand he puts it back on to show he is married. He response what I am your property? I just want him to show he cares for me by wearing the ring.

I do worry about him flirting since he does it really easily. Until this happened I never worried about it. I trusted people to not cross boundaries, I now know better.

He is not wearing his ring to make it easier to pick up women, and make it easier to have another affair. Don't be fooled by his reasons....they are lies. My WW used to take her's off too, and give the same lame excuses....they are lies.


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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Welcome Hu's wife,

My heart aches for you. Just one question. Do you think your WH has any idea how lucky he is that you are willing to give him a second chance after a 3 1/2 year A and continuing to each day for six months while he shows so little remorse?

Stick around. Read all of the info, order the books and counsel with the Harleys if you possibly can. Take care of yourself. I ended up with PTSD and my FWH was a gem comparatively.

God's Blessings,

Say

And thanks, Introvert for opening the door for her.

Last edited by saynomore; 07/16/08 02:28 PM.

Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Thanks everyone for the support.

Not really sure how things are going to work out. Tonight should be interesting after the exchanges he has had with a lot of you today.

He called me earlier and is far from happy with what a lot of you have said. If that is good or not I am not really sure but he was upset. So you must of hit a nerve hopefully it was a good one.




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huspouse,

You should take the advice from others here and talk to the Harley's. A couple phone sessions with them would be a very good place for you to start...it worked wonders with my WW and myself.

Check the "Coaching Center" at the top of the page for info.



"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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I'm beginning to think that your WH needs a really good dose of Plan-B, followed by Plan-D and I believe that you should always try to save your M as M is forever and God hates divorce. Tell me. Is this fog or has he always been this entitled and self absorbed? That answer in itself could answer how likely it is that your M can be recovered.

Is he and has he always met your ENs as he thinks?

You are truly in my prayers.

God's Blessings,

Say


Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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saynomore,

I tried to PM you but your box is full I think.

So, if the was this self absorbed and selfish before, is it impossible? (I kind of have the same problems)


"Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to overcome a difficult one." Bruce Lee

BS (me) 44
WH 39 had ONS on 5-2-08
Recovery started 6-11-08
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