My wife 25 and I 31 have been married for 6 years. We have a 5yo, 4yo, and 5 month old. She is currently cheating on me with a guy she met through her friend. I understand the needs and love busters of Dr. Harley, I failed because I would have many angry outbursts (Mainly because she cheated on me when we were first married, and I could never let it go until now), I let my appearance go, and I would not make mutual decisions with her (I didn't want her to go to college, but to raise the kids). I understand that I was probably 70% of the problem in the marriage, and this helped her decide to cheat.

I found out right away 2 weeks ago she was cheating on me with a 22yo stud she is still friends with on facebook. I always know when she is lying. She likes this guy because he is great looking (Body builder) and is nice to her and she likes to talk to him. They have alot in common, both try to go to AA.

I have been working out almost daily, I am 30lbs overweight (lost 10lbs in 2 weeks), and I am buying nicer clothes, and I decided to never have an angry outburst again - She doesn't believe that I can control my outbursts, and she said she would rather be with this guy than lose him and gamble on fixing our marriage.

I exposed the affair to her mother and father and two her friends that were involved. I even talked to the guy because he called me to act like they were never together, even though she was standing right next to him.

Well, I told my wife it was over, and that she should move out. She said she wanted to stay and work it out. I said ok. Then we had a fight (I had an angry outburst about it in the morning) and I wanted her to leave. She agreed, but two days later she said she wanted to work it out and never talk to the guy.

Two days later she was still talking to him, and said that I should just accept this guy as her new friend, there was nothing else.

So I dealed and said, ok, you can just be friends - I realized exploding on her would not fix it, and Dr. Harley said to try to meet her needs for 6 months, so she remembers me as the nice husband, not the angry outburst husband.

I have not had an angry outburst since then.

She told me she wanted to meet with this guy as friends. I threatened her that I would tell her parents and the guy's parents that they are hanging out together. She went ballistic and told me I was flipping out and being controlling. So she changed gears and told me she would go to the beach with her girlfriend.

I put a recorder in the car last night and found out that her and her bestfriend picked up the guy, went to a bar and my wife slept with him in her girlfriends apartment. She lied and said she was just with her girlfriend the whole night. (I do feel bad in some way because my wife sounds so miserable with me when I heard what she said about how bad our marriage is to her bestfriend on the recorder).

I confronted her and told her that I knew she was lying - I didn't mention the tape recorder I used because I need to know what she is doing- she admitted it though without hard facts from me. I didn't even blow up at her, I explained that I failed in our marriage because I ignored her needs and I had angry outbursts. She doesn't think I can change. I told her to give me 6 months.

She will not leave this guy, and if I pressure her too hard, by calling her lover's parents about the affair (he lives with them) she will never want to work it out with me, and probably switch to plan B without me having the chance to change myself and prove I am a good husband in plan A. Plus I did expose the affair once already.

The question is this - my wife does not love me right now. She does not believe I can change. I am trying my best to change right now (no angry outburst, better personal appearance, and make decisions together) - it has only been a week. She wants to talk to the lover, and I already exposed it to her parents, but not the lover's parents. I don't want to drive my wife away, because she probably will want to switch to plan B if I expose the affair all the time, and her last memory of me will be the a-hole angry outburst husband.

What do I do? Do I constantly expose her affair every week if she will not cut ties this guy? I need to endure 6 months of the affair, while trying to change to be the husband that looks attractive and doesn't have angry outbursts.

Help.

Time to expose to everyone. What's the worse that can happen. She's looking to leave. Won't stop having sex with the OM.

So she gets made that you exposed. WW's soon get over the anger of being exposed. They get angry not because you exposed, but that everyone will know what she had an affair and was wrong.

OK, so last night I decided to call my wife's lover's parents, he is 22 and still lives with them. They did not want their son to hang out with my wife in the first place.

I told his mother that her son is having sex with my wife that has three kids, and that it is devastating our family. She was shocked and apologized. I got back from work, and I noticed a hickey on my wife's neck from the night before when she was with him.

I promptly told her that I called his mother and told her. My wife was infuriated. She said I was a loser, a jerk, and that she never wanted to work stuff out with me. Her deal was that as long as I didn't expose the affair she would try to work out our marriage. If I exposed, all chances with her were lost. So she beat me up verbally for an hour and a half.

I never raised my voice to her, and I just absorbed the treatment, never getting angry. My wife is an alcoholic and has probably had 8 one night stand affairs while drunk in the last 6 years - she always regretted it right away and apologized. Those one night stands fueled the angry outbursts I tended to have in our marriage. I think I would blow up on her once every two months when she acted independently and partied at the bar. I honestly am a decent husband, I am really involved in the kids lives, and I cater to my wife hand and foot, she always gets flowers and cards.

So my plan is that every time they meet and have sex, I plan to expose, and the exposure will just get more intense. If they go to have sex, they get a swift retribution by being exposed.

My next thought is that they have emails on facebook, I found a spy program that catches the screenshots of whatever is on the computer. If he decides to be with her again even after his parents know what is going on, I am going to email every one of his facebook pals with a copy of the dirty emails they send to eachother. That way the guy can't lie, and all his 100+ friends will know he is a scum bag.

And if he does it again, I plan on going to his neighbors and putting up a flyer on their doors about what is going on with their neighbors son.

The fact that he had the nerve to give my wife a hickey totally makes me have no pity for him now, and I don't care how messed up his reputation will get by me. A hickey is so intentional, it probably takes a good 2 minutes to do, and it was like a dog pissing on a fire hydrant, like he views my wife as his property now. It reminded me of a cattle brand.

Derrick,

I feel so sorry for you and your children.

This wife....I would shove out the door so fast her head would spin. Perhaps, that in truth, is what she requires.

At present, she is basking in the attention of her 22 year old hottie and your ardent desire to have her back. She feels that she is the 'prize'...A reality check is in order.

She is only a 'piece' of meat for now to her 22 year old....the children....he will have no part of in a long term relationship. She is off in Lala land.

My question: Why do you allow yourself to be repeatedly cheated on and disrespected by her? Betrayal must get OLD at some point.

She has NO moral compass.

Losing battles are best not fought...but IF you choose to Fight then make em pay for it.