Kudos to you if you guys read my story and his...it's long, although most of them are.

Here is the first post from him and mine is in his thread as well in a link. Our Story .
A few things I need advice on.

1. He is a past alcoholic. We never went to bars when we were dating as he was sober. Now it is important to him to go out and have drinks as per his post. Also, alcohol is what got him in the situation he was in. I see this as a huge problem. Heck, I don't even really drink anymore, because he always wants to. When we dated, I never had alcohol in my home, it wasn't important to me.

2. Since finding out, I have seen him flirting on a diet blog he posts to. In March, before the affair, I found him logged into his yahoo messenger and saw a name I did not recognize...it was a chick from Ohio (where we live) from the site....They were just friends, although when I read some of what he was posting and their flirting, I got pissed....he deleted her off his friends list.....I still have my emails to her and she apologized to me...apparently he complained about our relationship to her and she even knew when he was off from work...they had cute little names and inside jokes....Her and I worked it out and I made my presence known...But now on the diet site when I see stuff, I get the But's.

"But it is who I am, it is in my personality to joke around and flirt"

"But it doesn't mean anything" (which he has proven to be false, as his flirting has taken things to a whole new level with his ONS)

"But it isn't intentional" Ah, but it doesn't hurt any less.

My attempts to tell him that stuff bothers me gets me the reply that I am trying to control him and kill him as an individual.

Hmmmm BUT what about my feelings?

I'm sorry to hear it. I grew up with alcoholic father and brothers. Your husband has more to deal with than just affairs. He's spiraling downward (maybe without knowing it). He needs to go into al anon or whatever support you have in your area. He's allowing triggers to bring him back to drinking. Until he gets it under control problems will continue. He likes himself better when he's drinking. Recovering Alcoholics cannot drink - it is as simple as that. He needs to be commited to recovering himself before he an commit to recovering relationship - one won't last without the other.

G

I can see that. He cannot.

He does not think it is a big deal.

Also, I have a friend who's bf is in a band as well. She goes thru many of the same things...perhaps much of this is a musicians nature. However, she did say that he needs to treat it as a job and NOT drink while playing out.

To give you an idea...After this affair, he promised me (unsolicited promise, he offered this) he would never drink when he was playing out and I was not there.

This weekend he played out.

He got two free drink chips from the bar.

He called me at work to see if it was ok to use them. I work at 911.

He called me to see if it was ok for him to break his promise he made to me? A month to the day he admitted the affair??

Bumping.

Last nite, yet another argument.

He feels by not being able to chat with other women, joke around, I am controlling him.

(On his diet site)

I don't care so much about the joking around, but I do care alot about the flirting.

He tells me from his past, that he was "always closer to women and more comfy with them"

Nice, but I am not accepting that anymore. He said that me asking him to do that is controlling. Isn't is JUST as controlling telling me to deal with it??

I did say, he was welcome to joke around on the site (he is part of a diet team) but he had to stop the sexual comments.

For that concession, I said I would be willing to do more stuff with friends. I don't really have many friends, but I am not a hermit and I would like to go camping, out to dinner, etc.

He then brought up about the social club we belong to and how he feels after the Thurs drawing he must hurry home as I am there. (drawing is at 9:30 pm and I get off work at 10:00 pm)

(We almost let our membership expire when he was sober....now he goes every Thurs)

I would think you would want to come home and see your wife, especially with our schedules being so opposite right now we cannot GET the 15 hrs a week.

He made the comment it would be nice to go up there and socialize with others.

I said sitting in a bar and watching your friends get falling down drunk is not fun for me. Sitting in a bar is not my idea of hanging out with friends. I do not really know anyone there, nor do I care to.

He started to get very angry and said he needed to stop the convo as his blood was boiling.

After all, alcohol and bars had alot to do with why he had a one nite stand, yet he doesn't get it that that is not a way for ANYONE to spend quality time.

Let's go out kayaking, go the zoo....take a ferry to the islands....take a walk, bike ride, go camping with friends.

Sit in a bar? No.

Am I being unreasonable!?!?

Not at all. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and I remember that almost every time my parents went out, as infrequently as that may have been, I'd wake up after midnight hearing the same argument; that all they do is go to the bar, and mom justs sits there while dad flirts with his other women 'friends'.

Your H needs to get back on the wagon before any serious R can be accomplished. Alcohol f's up one's judgment as much as the fog of an A.

I know nothing about alcoholism.

So, even if he is functioning he still needs to go into recovery? I believe so, he does not.

His friend came over last nite, to catch up. (A good friend....a blackbelt also) He is male....

There are at least 4 beer bottles in the outside trashcan that I can see.

I could live without the stuff. Occasionally I like to have a drink when I go out, but even then, I order coffee, diet pop or water.

The problem is that your H is a recovering alcoholic. He shouldn't be drinking at all. One or two drinks now leads to three to four later and so on. Also men are very emotionally immature. They take longer to evolve emotionally (sorry to offend men out there). You might want to call Al anon and talk to a counselor. Maybe if you present your H with expert information he will take it more seriously instead of thinking you are trying to control him. And why does he think you are trying to control him - where does that come from? Was his father or mother controlling in their relationship? He needs to look and evaluate his own behavior. Based on his posts I'm not sure how commited he is to recovery. Have you both done the EN questionnaire?

Yes we have.

And I asked him to put forth energy here and post his side here. He came here on my request and he was willing, but it was something I had to suggest.

Your H just posted on his thread and then deleted most of it off.
I read it before it got deleted! He said You met this couple while you were trying an alternative lifestyle and now you won't discuss it with your counselor or on MB for fear of loosing your children.

This is now my question for both of you:
So what I hear you saying is that you were both trying a lifestyle of swinging? Is that right?

This is an anonymous board, so why worry about sharing details? We cannot give helpful advise unless you are honest with all the details.

I asked him NOT to post it, but there it is.

He is putting all the blame on the fact that we met this chick thru there. I do not want this information out there, for the sake of my job and my children. He has nothing to lose.

If the lifestyle was so great, we would be telling our friends ,coworkers and families, right?

He wanted to get into it, it consumed our life and I was not happy. He tried to take me to those places when we were dating and wasnt going to tell me until I got there.

But now, he blames the ONS on the lifestyle. Had we not met her, he wouldnt have cheated. Never mind he preplanned it, got the condoms on the way to her hotel and didnt listen to our friends tell him how stupid he was being. OUR LIFESTYLE friends told him he was making a mistake.

I could say his band and nites out contributed to the affair.

I am just sick over this. I do not want this crap getting back to my EX. I cannot afford that.

SO, the can of worms is out there on the site. I pray my ex never finds it.

I am not the girl who likes to wear stilettos or is sexually charged and aggressive. What we heard was, HEY, there is no cheating in the lifestyle, everything is agreed upon.

Guess that is a lie.

I am ashamed. I had to call off work last minute as I cannot do my job with all he dumped out today.

We are no longer in it.

BM,

Please look up local meetings in your area for Alanon. Go to as many as you can in one week. You'll find one group which really clicks and fits your schedule.

Alanon is awesome...helps you to understand your power and limits as a human being...helps in all areas, especially when dealing with an alcoholic (whether they are drunk or sober). Best of all, helps you and your kids with what you need most.

When you go, you can ask for a sponsor to speak for guidance as you work the steps. Which is why it's a good thing to go to several meetings and find the time and group you like the most...usually one of those attendees will be your sponsor.

They also have meetings for Alateen for your kids.

Even if alcohol wasn't an obvious factor in your previous two marriages, it may have been there...alcohol affects for generations...the behaviors continue if even if they don't drink.

LA

I'm glad you have come to recognize how damaging that lifestyle can be. Your H has some major issues and if he doesn't get right with himself he can't get right with you. He seems very confused about what he wants out of life. There are more positive ways to fulfillment and you listed some earlier. I don't think he really understand fully what his needs are either. You both may want to consider coaching with the Harleys.

G

I told him people were coming over from his thread and asking me questions. He told me it was my choice to answer them or not.

Nice. He drops the bombshell and leaves me holding the bag? He wanted complete honesty (Ironic as he was the one who had the affair) puts it out there, despite me asking him not to, and now has no desire to follow thru on his own thread?

I don't get it.

Thanks for being honest.

You've got a bigger problem here that must be adressed before you can recover your marriage.

Your H is an Alcoholic. He was in recovery with the help of AA for seven years and managed to stay sober for 14. He is now drinking again and unless he gets back to AA and stays sober there is NO chance of recovering this marriage.
This addiction MUST be adressed first!

I was never comfortable with it. It seemed it was all planning to do this or go here. We had LESS us time. We took more breaks (always MY idea) than were in it, actually.

So, since it is out there, does it matter that she was a lifestyle person he had the ONS with? He thinks that because we met her, it happened. It's about opportunites that present themselves....we meet people every day.

I just cannot buy that load of bs. That it never would have happened had we not met her.

I've been a member of AA for 25 years.
Please believe me when I say he must get sober first!

So even if he isn't falling down drunk he is still an alcoholic, right?

I cannot make that happen, he must, correct?

I need some serious help, I am at my wits end. I am crying posting all this stuff.

What can I do for him, what do I do for me?

I have never had to deal with Alcoholism. BUT from any form of addiction it has to be stopped.

An alcoholic is not someone who just drinks and falls down once or twice. Its over and over again. Its even having one drink. Its like waving a dog biscuit in front of a dog and not giving it to him or the candy you might be eatting in front of a child and you refuse to give it to him/her.

Im assuming music is his main career. What he needs to do besides seeking AAA support he needs to try and find other things to do instead of drinking. Drinking because of a fight, or because they did it is not the attitude to have. He needs to learn disclipin and say hes not going to have that drink.

Yes I can understand how you were hurt when he called about the drink chips. But atleast he called and acknowledged you in this. Ok so he shouldnt be thinking like that at all right but like I just said atleast he called you and told you about it.

What you can do for him? If theres any liquior in the house throw it away. You said you have the ocassionall drink? Well till he is able to handle it YOU can not have a drink in front of him. OR even at all. Go to the meetings with him to show your support.

Yes you have a bit on your plate. But you need to have a starting point. Alchol is not the cause of his A. Thats not excuse. I have not read your H post so I do not know where hes coming from.

That's correct!

No. He is a civil engineer. He always does introduce himself as a musician first, however.

If you go to the first page of this post, I believe you can read his story. I linked it, so all here could associate us as a couple.