I'm sure some of you have seen my other posts here that my wife has left 2 months ago, moved into an apartment with a friend of hers 2 weeks ago and had slept with a guy friend of hers that she has been in contact with for the last 6 or so months. He was there comforting her over the issues we were having.... She didn't sleep with him until after she moved out of the house and was on her own, basically convinced herself that we were over and that's why she left and felt comfortable to sleep with him.

There was the start of emotional affair that had been going on with this guy that she admitted to in May when I questioned her about cheating, started since Aprilish.

We talked yesterday night after having the house appraisal done. She told me that she had been trying for the last two years and now she is done. She just feels it's over. That she doesn't think I can change, I've been the same way for the last 8 yrs... yet I keep seening being surprised about the little things I've done while she's been gone. Cleaning up things in the house etc. that really bugged her back then, I had NO IDEA that she was trying, that the issues were this bad.....

Married for 1.5yrs, been together for 8.5 yrs. I know alot of people say walk away. I told her I'm walking away then. I really don't want to. I don't know why I still want to save this even thought it's in the hole so badly BUT everytime she says says something like I don't think this will work, I don't know if this can go on, I think it's over, I see in her eyes that she's really having a problem of letting go.....

Don't buy all of the "I've tried, you won't change, I've been unhappy for years, I can't take any more" garbage.

It's almost always re-writing history in an attempt to justify the affair.

Remind her that you were in the same crappy marriage that she was, and you didn't choose to cheat with the first "woman" who let you cry on its shoulder.

I'll point out to you again that your wife was cheating on you less than a year into your marriage.

What's that say about her?

If she was soooo unhappy for 8 years, why the "I Do" 1.5 years ago?

I think (if I remember correctly) that in your last post there was a lot of discussion on whether you should go Plab (B) or Plan (D), with varying opinions. Doesn't sound like you are doing either. I know it's hard and it really sucks for you (trust me I know), but you need to decide, and set forth with your plan of choice. The longer you wait, the longer she is going to be a cake-eater.

My 2 cents

I heard the same thing. We all heard the same thing. She told me she tried for years and years. I asked her specifically what did she try? She had no answer. I asked her why she never once voiced her objections out loud about her unhappiness. She had no answer.

It's marital history rewrite 101.

The only thing she is "trying" to do is provide justification to her choice to commit adultery.

So this could still be just fog then if I read right what you guys are saying.
I am doing plan B as of now. I laid it on the line, told her how much I love her that I want to change together, how much I want this to work. That I feel we are soul mates etc.
She said it's over and I said them I will walk away.


No more contact from here on in....it's going to be hard...

You really need to stop creating new threads. Stick to one, cos people are gonna stop looking at all of them.

sorry catperson,
just trying to keep the post subject current so people nknow what they are diving into....

Dude,

I responded to your first "Tell me is there hope" thread. In that thread you were making excuses for her, defending her and saying "she was at the guys place late because she was fearful of going home so late," or some BS.

Now sounds like our greatest fears have been realized, and you are going plan B!!?? already.

Have you exposed to all that matter to her? Now that she is out and "free" there is much less you can do. And a plan B, right now, in this stich, does not sound like one of the things you should be doing.

""She didn't sleep with him until after she moved out of the house and was on her own,.......May when I questioned her about cheating, started since Aprilish.""

Do not believe a word that comes out of her mouth! Adulterers LIE big time! She may have been doing this boy wwaaayyy before this.

I think you must be pro-active and fight for what is yours.

ON THE OTHER HAND, you have been married 1.5 years and she is shacking up with some low-life opportunist? Many, even here, would say cut your losses.

Handing her divorce papers would either snap her out of it or, if she signs them, then it will open your eyes to the cold harsh reality.

Stay strong.

IMHO

kirk

Yes, you can't be in Plan A or even B unless you expose.

Have you exposed?

"So this could still be just fog then.."

Brother, this is the thickest, pea-soupy fog she can be in. She is in a full pheromone/endorphine induced, crack-addicted like, high from this A. She can't get enough of the drug (OM) and you, hovering around pestering her, only pi$$es her off, big time.

I think you have either got to be pro-active to break up the A or, again, cut the losses.

IMHO

Hi Alone:

On your first thread I posted to you telling you your wife was cheating on you when you did not think so. I want to drive this point to you again.

Your wife was cheating on you long before you think. I was the one that was insisting that she was sleeping with him and you should snoop.

Well she has been in contact with him for 6 months and left you only 2 months ago. Hmm, I wonder what could have been the reason for that... Hmm gosh maybe just maybe it was that other guy?

I don't think she is in a fog at all. She is in an affair. You would be far better off in such a short marriage to get out why you can. I had kids and when you have kids it is so much more difficult.

Find a woman that is nice to you and does not cheat. Stop living in denial. Getting rid of cheating spouse can be a very good thing. But it has nothing to do with a fog but everything to do with an affair and free will.

I think she deserves to be with a guy that would sleep with a married woman. They deserve each other.. You deserve better.

so everything is proving that my wife is having an affair that started up probably 6 months ago...... boy was I blind. I guess I'm probably too late to save this. I'm in such denial that she would do something like this and never saw the signs. Her wanting to have a baby made me think that she would never do anything like this....
I guess she has made her decision to move out, cut all ties from me and be with this guy and I don't think there is anythign I can say anymore to change her mind.

AWH,

You're one of the most frustrating type of posters to deal with: A BH without balls.

It happens to the best of us. I was one too.

So you need to DO something and quit sitting there in shock.

What do you need to do?

Expose and Plan A.

Exposure will tick her off because it brings light to the affair. I'm sure she's been keeping this guy secret so she can bring him out once you're officially divorced and not look like the cheater she is.

So contact your in laws and tell them what is happening. Contact all your friends.

At this point, you have nothing to lose by doing this.

Be aware that onece you do this that she will be livid, tell you it's over, say "how could you do this to me!" and tell you that there is no chance at all anymore.

It's going to happen. It's textbook.

Now, you can continue to drift around in shock and denial or you can accept the 2x4s of those that have been in your shoes and wish they had a chance to do things differently.

So listen to us if you wish. Ignore us at your peril.

We've been in your shoes. We have the hindsight you're lacking.

Trust a group of strangers that UNDERSTAND and have been where you are.

You're screwing things up. Things aren't as hopeless as they seem, but you have to grow the pair to give you the strength to take action. They are actions will cause a wrathful reaction by WW, but that will lead you on the only path where you stand a chance at recovering your marriage.

The other guys are right. You may feel like YOU can't say anything to change her mind, and you are probably right. However influential people in her life may be able to get her to take her head out of her [censored]. Think about who those people are, then expose to them!!!!

You aren't alone on the baby thing my friend...I was just like you, with a WW who was trying to have my baby. It's a tough one to get over and I feel for you.

In the meantime.....EXPOSE !!!!!

I concur that you should stick to one thread. It's confusing trying to keep up with the different people anyway, and when you have multiple threads it becomes quite taxing and, sad to say, not worth the effort.

I was surprised to see folks telling you to expose, so I went and reviewed your other thread "Wife admited affair, Divorce or Separate?" and was surprised to see that folks have been telling you to expose from the beginning, yet you apparently have not done that. WHY?

You say you're in Plan B. You're not in Plan B at all. Do you even read what we say to you? You're just hiding out and adding to the confusion. You're feeding your WW's justifications. I can hear her now "He's hot and cold, sometimes he's there, sometimes he's not. I need someone I can count on!"

Plan B is very specific. It involves a LETTER that outlines
Your love for your wife
Your acknowledgment that you contributed to the poor state of the marriage
Your desire to build a new, better M
Your pain
Your desire to protect what love you have
A request for no contact until she's ready to meet certain criteria
A mediator


Please.

1. EXPOSE <<< Why haven't you??
2. Continue your Plan A (you seem to be doing a pretty good job from what I can tell)
3. If you are losing love for your W then do a real Plan B but quit this waffling


Get a thread, get a plan, and stick to it!
So, what's it going to be?

Ok, I'm sorry about all the other threads. I'll try to stick to one.
I've been emotionally up and down. At times I'm believing that she was already making decisions to split away and then this guy came into the picture to help speed up the process. Then again I think based on your information that her leaving and wanting to be an individual and figure what's best for her has ALL to do with her and this other guy.
That's why I can't decide if I need to be in plan A or B!!!!
I was in Plan A for a couple months not knowing that there was another guy....once I found out I was giving up and going to Plan B....or so I thought because I was hurting SO MUCH.
Even though she has told me that it's over and that she will not come home (has said this 2-3 times now) and has moved all her stuff out to an apartment with a girl friend of hers in a 12 month contract, moved jobs, and cancelled all credit cards/ joint accounts/etc.
When we talked the other day and I tried to touch her she'd pull away. Couldn't look me in the face, wouldn't cry when I said that even through everything that has gone on I still love her and want to cuddle on the couch right then and there, go for walks, be there to talk, and have a better marriage then we've had to this point. I was blind to the signs but my eyes are now open... She acted all normal like we were a married couple and felt comfortable in the house to help herself until we started talking. Then it was her looking so confused with tons of things running though her head but hardly any emotion.

Please clear this up for me!....when a spouse has an affair (and assume I didn't take the steps to spy and found out) would they usually go this far to end it with their spouse if they didn't feel that it was truly over???

IF she felt it was truly over and I'm hounding her I feel bad. I do want whats best for her.
BUT if this is all about this guy, I want to keep pushing to make this work!

One more thought....WHY did she tell me she was sleeping with him in a matter of 3 questions when I asked her?????

It seems like EVERYONE says from all the posts I look at that a WS would deny and lie through their teeth and swear on their kids etc that they are not having an affair. Why has my wife so openly admitted to it when questioned? Is it because she's moving on or because she doesn't feel it's wrong because she says nothing physical happend before she moved out?

What my wife did doesn't seem to be the norm...

She tells you because she's looking for a certain reaction from you. What, I don't know. That is up to you to find out.

Ok, time for the truth, that you don't seem to answer. HAVE YOU EXPOSED?

You have been married less than 2 years and she is treating you badly and cheating. I would move on. You don't want to be in this same position after having a couple of kids. You sound like a nice guy. I think you should give her a divorce and find someone that deserves you.