My H and I have been married 22 years without so much as a hiccup in our relationship. 2 days ago, this all came crashing down. Monday morning, I answered the door to find a sobbing 21 year old girl. She asked if she could speak to me, so I invited her in. She told me that she had been unknowingly having an affair with my H for the last 10 months!!!! She said she had NO IDEA he was married and she felt terrible about it.

She said they met in the bar where she worked and started seeing each other shortly after. He took her on business trips with him and spent a lot of time during the day with her. She said she thought something might be wrong when he repeatedly refused to sleep at her apartment. He told her that he was a single dad, so he couldn't stay over and she couldn't come to his house. She understood for a while, but then decided to snoop around his laptop while he was taking a nap. She went through all his emails and found out that he's married. She apologized a lot and cried the whole time. I was in total shock!! I had never gotten the feeling that H might be cheating!

Since then it has been a nightmare. The girl emailed H's boss and called his whole family (including our kids, 18 and 20) and told them what happened. They've been calling non-stop wanting the full story and I don't know what to tell them. I confronted H about it and he denies EVERYTHING!! He says he met the girl at the bar and she tried to date him for months. He said he always refused and now she's just acting crazy and trying to get him in trouble because she's jealous.

I don't know who to believe!! She seemed so sincere and SO ANGRY!! I don't know why anyone would make this up, but H is still denying. I want to believe him, but she was so convincing! She knew lots of details about him. Now, my H has threatened to leave if I don't believe his side and drop it but I don't know what to do!

Who do I trust?? My H of 20 plus years or this girl I don't know??

It's most likely that your H is lying. It is very common for a WS to 'gaslight' the BS. Ask your H to submit to a lie detector test. If he refuses, then you have your answer.

I'll be blunt - Ask the girl if she knows anything intimate about your H, e.g. if he has any scars or any particular characteristics in areas that are usually not visible. If she identifies anything, then you've got something to work with.

FWIW, I think your H is lying. Suggesting that he'd leave if you don't drop the subject is the kind of behaviour to be expected from a manipulating gaslighter.

Apologizing alot is usually very inconsistent with the behavior of a liar in circumstances like this. Chances are, she is telling the truth.


How can a girl at the bar who did not get into his laptop while he was taking a nap (probably at a hotel) and get all those contact information, including emails?


If you read around, you will see that it is not uncommon for a cheating spouse to swear over the body and soul of their own children that he is not cheating.

Many will even deny even if you offer solid proof such as a photograph. They will just try to say that the person in it is not them.



Does that seem like an innocent husband's behavior to you? Would you threaten to leave and divorce your husband if he is accusing you of cheating while you're not?

I think deep down, you know who is telling the truth.

I am so sorry, but your husband is lying to you. I am certain you can take the information from this girl about business trips, etc and compare it to your H's activities and find a match. Additionally, you can offer your H a lie detector test and I suspect you will get the truth that way.

Adulterers ALWAYS lie about adultery, so your H's behavior is very much the norm. He just never expected to get caught.

Bravo to this 21 yr old girl for having the courage and decency to come and tell you the truth.

I am so sorry this is happening, speccially because your H is still lying :(((

I can only see two options:

1. The girl is telling the whole thruth and your H is lying;

2. They are both lying and eventually she decided to "expose" out of anger maybe because he tried to end it or refused to leave you for her.

either way, there's too much "evidence" in her story that an A was going on.


Be strong.

Don't fall into "believing" your WH just so all this nightmare will go away. And everything will be as it was. It will never happen.

Your H needs to come clean if you decide to rebuilt your M after this.

Be strong and read all here in MB. Better days will come.

This all confirms what I pretty much knew already. I knew in my heart that he was lying but I did want to believe him when he denied it.

I had another meeting with OW last night at her apartment. She had some of his clothes there (clothes that I bough him for XMAS no less!!!). She showed me her computer where she had countless emails from him telling her he was in love with her and how he wanted to take her to Vegas and marry her. The last straw for me was the documentation she showed me about her apartment. He cosigned a year lease for her in April and has been paying her rent. She has copies of EVERYTHING with his signature. Even if she wrote the emails herself and somehow stole clothes (which is preposterous, but what he claims she did) the lease and checks are a different story. I also talked to the OW's mother this morning. Very nice lady that told me she had met H on a couple of occasions. She said her daughter was horrifed when she found out he had a family and called her screaming and crying. When I talked to OW, she told me that she would do anything to help me and she would be willing to testify in court if I went through with divorce.

For my part, I am floored. I feel almost numb through all of this. After 22 years of nothing, no problems, WHY NOW??? I don't understand!! What have I done wrong? I want to throw him out on his behind but at the same time I still love him and still want things to be ok? Is that crazy of me at this point?

He said he's coming home from work early today so I'll talk to him more then. On the phone this morning I told him that I still didn't believe him and had proof. He gave a long sigh and said "Ok, I slept with her once and I may have left some things at her house. I'm sorry I didn't tell you yesterday." So I asked him why he would pay rent at an apartment for someone he had slept with once. He hung up and hasn't called back.

I don't know what my next step should be. I have no idea where to go from here. I guess I have to wait to talk to him and then think it out.

Kary, your next step is stop asking him and just start TELLING HIM you know what happened. Asking him over and over again only gets you into a tango of futile DENIAL. Avoid all that and just TELL HIM YOU KNOW. If he starts denying, just put your hand up and say NO, don't make it worse, don't go there.

Tell him that since you know about this one, he might as well make a clean break and tell you about everything and get it over NOW while the getting is good.

Be CALM and don't attack him. DON'T KICK HIM OUT. If you attack him, he will just defend and you get nowhere. I know that is asking alot, but it is important to control your emotions. Ask him to explain what has happened here. Ask him if he is willing to do what it takes to repair this damage. Ask him if he will go to marriage counseling to put this back together.

That is all you can do today, Kary. Just talk and find out where his head is at. But no more asking him about what you already know. That just gives him an opportunity to DENY and you waste your time.

Then come back here and lets talk. You can get through this, Kary. There is hope after affairs and you can have a good marriage if you do this right.

Secondly, you might want to ask the mods to move this to GQ11 where there is more traffic. [click on notify at the bottom of this post and write them a message] I have a feeling you are going to need the most help you can get. We are here for you!

If this girl is telling the truth, then she is awesome. She did the right thing by telling you and apologize and then telling her boss. Good for her.

If only your average OM or OW had that kind of integrity and respect for other people's marriages.

He is not sorry (maybe only in a sense that he got caught) and he is still lying. Sorry that he didn't tell you yesterday? What about sorry that he cheated and slept with a girl his kids' age for a start?


I have a feeling that this is not a marriage of equal partnership, which is fine and common; however, I feel that he has MUCH more power over you than a "typical" spouse should be.

Whatever you do, don't let him boss or push you around.

MelodyLane, I took your advice and sat down to talk to H last night. I told him that I knew everything and there was no point in denying it anymore. I said that if he came clean and was completely honest, we could try to work on things. Bit if he kept lying, we had no chance of staying married. Well it WORKED!!! He told me everything. He still won't go into specific details about certain things (is this fair or not?? I feel like I should be entitled to as many details as I want!) but he at least told me the whole story of what happened.

H met OW in the bar she works at and started frequenting the bar with his friends after work. H said he found her attractive and pursued her and she was interested in him as well. H told her that he was divorced and father to two younger children. He started buying her expensive presents and taking her to nice restaurants. They were together for almost 10 months, just like the OW said. H admitted to taking her on most of his business trips and paying off big parts of her school loans. H met OW's family and ate dinner there every once in a while. He didn't like where she was living, so he cosigned for her new apt and pays the (EXPENSIVE) rent there. H told me that OW was very jealous and suspicious when they dated and eventually did look through his emails on his laptop. He didn't know she found anything out until he got a call from his boss about the email she sent him.

I'm glad that he admitted everything but I feel worse knowing that everything is true. I had almost hoped that OW was taking revenge on him for breaking it off with her, but that's not the case. I'm completely devastated and ANGRY!! with him but I said very little after our talk. I asked him if he would consider marriage counceling and he said YES. H says he still loves me and wants to be married. I don't know what I want yet. I want to get through this and be with him but I don't know if that's possible! What kind of man LIES like this to people??? I did not kick him out but I did WANT to.

And now, we have a mess to clean up -- or rather, HE has a mess to clean up. I don't have to expose the A because the OW did that for me. Turns out, she emailed and called every single person in his address book which she copied and sent to herself the day she found out. This includes his friends, his clients, his family, EVERYONE. DS and DD in particular are furious and so hurt! I talked to DD this morning and she said she called him on her way to work this am and told him how much this destroyed our family. I spoke to OW about an hour ago and she has changed her cell phone number and email address and made her website private (myspace?? is that a college kid thing?? She says H has one and sent me the link. I haven't looked yet). OW also wants to move. Problem with that is that neither she or her parents can afford to break the lease, but no one (including ME!) wants her living there when it's partly in H's name. She can't afford the rent by herself anyway. Should H pay to break the lease or no? I don't know what to do on that one. We can more than afford it. I know most people here ask the WS to write a no contact letter, but I don't think that will be necessary as OW is disgusted with him and wants him out of her life. Should I require something else from him??

As my DS would say, "This whole thing SUCKS"

(Oh, I'm going to ask the mods to move the thread in a minute. Thank you for the suggestion and good advice Melody)

moved from JFO at request of poster.

Kary, I don't know what you should do about the apartment. Perhaps you should contact your attorney and ask him. What should NOT HAPPEN is that he has anything to do with it from here on out. It should all be handled between you and the OW's mother.

In the meantime, you will want to focus on recovering your marriage. That means taking steps to affair proof your marriage and repair the damage. I would suggest getting your hands on Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley and consider phone counseling with his son, Steven Harley. He is simply the best in the business, IMO. HE won't waste your time navel gazing but will assess the damage and give you a PLAN of recovery.

In my next post I will post Dr Harleys recent newsletter about recovery. Take a look at the link to the right titled "How to Survive Infidelity."

You did an excellent job in your talk with him, btw! And yes, you are entitled to EACH AND EVERY detail about his affair. This is information about YOUR LIFE. He should not have any secrets anymore.

Please go read this: Requirements for Recovery

Kary,

"Should H pay to break the lease or no? I don't know what to do on that one. We can more than afford it."

I think H should pay to break the lease. Or give the money to you and you take care of it.

She was coerced into moving to the apartment and now if she can't afford payments and her credit goes south, some litigation could be her response to that.

I think it is the right thing to do and also will get her gone and away that much faster.

If you look at her as the victim here, and realize what lengths she ALREADY HAS GONE TO AND COULD GO TO the best thing is to treat her correctly.

She is a piece of work, that's for sure. That your H learned a hard lesson is a total understatement.

Talk about exposure, she is showing Melodylane a thing or two!

IMHO

kirk

I agree with krusht. I was just about to post nearly the same thing.

ITA, ITA, ITA!!!

Well some wayward spouses eventually get hit by the Karma Bus. This guy got instantaneously atomized by the Karma Asteroid.

What is your husband’s demeanor post confrontation?

Get SAA as soon as possible.

Call the Harleys now.

For most here, your OW would be a dream come true.

Good job on the confrontation.

Oh, and resolve the lease thing quick with no participation from WH. As great as she has been so far you must get OW out of your lives forever as quickly as possible.

Pay to break the lease, thereby breaking one of the strongest ties that still exist between them. She's a big girl, she can figure out the rest of her life on her own. Even though she did the honorable thing, she's not your responsibility (or your husband's) in any way, shape, form or fashion.

NO CRAP!! I am calling this kid up for exposure tips! She is DA BOMB!

""This guy got instantaneously atomized by the Karma Asteroid.""

CHRISNER...AWESOME...!!!