Is this the end? How do you know when it's over?

Recently, I had to use my wife's cell phone to make a quick call and discovered some flirting text messages with another man. After looking at our phone bill, it was clear that they had been talking at length and texting back and forth for a while, especially when I was out of town on business trips. My job consumed a lot of time and required extensive travel.

Through a series of conversations and email exchanges with her, I learned that she had engaged in multiple PAs in the past. I had only known some of the details of only one and had not known anything about the others at all. During these exchanges, she also expressed a desire for us to explore the possibility of an open marriage and stated that she has believed in the validity of this approach to marriage since early in her adult life.

She also described one of her closest female friends who was in a long term marriage but who had signed a written marital contract that included the option to have other 'relations'. Another one of her friends is in a marriage where the spouses live apart but hang out with each other every now and then. Many of her other friends like to get together and have bonfires on the autumn and spring equinoxes.

After the "crisis" period had passed surrounding my discovery of her text messages and phone calls, she told me that she would have not further contact with the OM. That was a lie. She continued to have very explicit email exchanges with him for three more months until he broke off the relationship. I now know that he was in our home on at least one time when I was out of town on business, but she claims that our younger children were present as were other kids and that "nothing happened". This visit happened prior to my discovery of the text messages.

Why am I still married? It would be very damaging to my children for us to divorce. Also, I'm at a loss about how to move in such a different direction after so many years.

Part of me doubts the long-term viability of our marriage. I do not trust her at all. We no longer say "I love you" to each other. We just have both gotten to be quite good at pretending to be married in front of others including our kids. We have a very healthy physical relationship in our private time with each other. Still, it all is very unfulfilling and just doesn't feel "right".

I'm stuck and don't know what to do. Any ideas? The questions at the beginning of this post go around and around in my mind all the time.

In additional to the emotional and psychological toll this experience has had on me, it has also adversely affected my productivity and my ability to focus in my career. I find myself withdrawing and slacking off in a major way.

At this point, I just can't seem to get any traction in my life or my career. Any advice about how to get back on track would be sincerely appreciated.

Desert Rider

I am sorry you are here but it's the best place to be, there's lots of good people here that have been there.

I am not an expert, but my H also had several EA and PA's till I find out. Jus wanted to tell you that he also gave the "open marriage" talk. I guess it was his way of trying to justify what he was doing.

You have to be strong, this is going to be a long road. Staying for the kids is not a good reason to keep the marriage.

Read all around here, MB principals, not only the boards.
You can recover your M with hard work and a willing W.

Maybe you should post under the General Questions, has much more people who can really help you.

wish you the best

Thanks for the advice. I'll leave this thread and start a new one in General Questions II. It's called "How do you get traction?".

Thanks again!