Introvert, Before you were married did you ever have a girlfriend cheat on you? If you did how did that hurt compare to the deep pain of having your wife cheat on you?

I did have a boyfriend cheat on me before and the hurt was nothing compared to the pain I feel from being a BS. I was able to go out with friends and move on rather easily. I was able to just tell myself that he didn't deserve me and that there were a lot of guys out there that would love to be my boyfriend. For me being cheated on by a boyfriend is completely different than being betrayed by your spouse.

I guess this is where our differences lie on this topic of conversation. I had been cheated on by a former GF in the past, and yes it hurt just as much as WW's infidelity. I was deeply in love and was destroyed by XGF's actions, and probably reacted to that even worse than I reacted to my W's cheating. I saw the signs in my WW that she was sleeping around...not in my XGF, so the shock was a little more in that situation.

Introvert,

If two people are in a committed relationship but not married, it’s still a betrayal if they have a secret relationship with another person behind the partner's back. It’s wrong, immoral and dishonest. BUT, it’s certainly not on the same level as betrayal within M because vows in front of the altar, God and witnesses haven’t been exchanged. Except promises to "commit" for life, "till death do us part" when getting married, vows are also taken to “forsake all others” and “in sickness and in health”. Those vows didn’t say “I will stay true to my vows IF you fulfill all my EN’s”. No, those vows are taken IN SPITE of any obstacles, difficult times and unfulfilled EN’S that might happen in a M… Marriage is sacred ground…and especially when sexual betrayal are committed, it breaks the “one flesh” bond between two people in a M.

JMHO.

I too am upset. My H came here first and told of my IA= internet affair. I came here at his request and started posting.

DURING marriage counseling session 2 or 3, EWS confesses he's had 2 PA and another EA that lasted years! Yet when I mentioned to the board all I get is you did it first. I must say I had an EA for 9 days before my "cheating heart" told on me. I can't lie well, or even "think" deceptive thoughts with a clean Face!

EWS purposely had his PA to hurt me, even exposing me when he lost his condom. Yet, when I try to talk about it here I get "no sympathy" for my hurt feelings. Only the reminder that I had an EA online! NO PHYSICAL Contact! The counselor that was recommended by this site, said he didn't consider my EA to be an EA. He has spent all the sessions talking to EWS about his AO and temper.

I am not one to disect every word in a post. I am basing my opinion of you not sounding remorseful on the general tone of your posts. You seem bound and determined to convince everyone that revenge played no part in your ONS. I think it is really hard for most people to believe that you did not think about your WW at all during that evening of your ONS. It is really hard to think that you never once thought along the lines of "well I would never be doing this if my WW wasn't a tramp that slept with OM".

I think a remorseful person would not be so determined to argue about whether or not revenge played a role, but instead would be more apologetic for what they did. By you being so defensive of your ONS it just sits wrong with me and I would guess that it is more hurtful to your WW to have you rationalize what you did instead of just being apologetic. The rationalizing and defending part is what is so bothersome to me.

I edited your quote to trim it down.

Personally the reason *I* say the divorce has to be legally finalized is because it absolutely ain't over 'til it's over. Your own M is proof of that.

I don't think anyone is judging you introvert.

Actually, you're the one who has started a couple of these threads.

Maybe you should ask yourself why you're doing that? I don't want to play Internet shrink but maybe you are still not good with the reasoning for the ONS yet?

Just a thought.

FWIW, I fall into your A category.

Couldn't agree more.

I can respect that.

But, it does beg the question...

If God lists infidelity as one of the reasons that a divorce is permitted (for the lack of a better word), then why does anyone have to wait for a lawyer to finish the paperwork? Did God mention that the I's had to be dotted and the T's had to be crossed first?

A BS DOES NOT have a higher standard to live up to.

This myth that "the BS knows the pain caused by an A, therefore a RA is even worse than the original A" a hogwash.

The WS knew EXACTLY how hurt the BS would be if they ever found out. That's why things like gaslighting, justification, and the seemingly endless tactics they use to avoid getting caught exist in the first place. They KNOW what the consequences could be.

Regardless of how you feel about RA's, the argument that they're worse because a BS knows how it feels to be betrayed is crap.

Your WS knew, whether they admit it or not. My teary-eyed W looked me right in the eye, in the middle of her A, and said that she could never cheat on me because she knew it would rip my heart out.

Don't tell me a BS has a "higher standard" to live up to. Nowhere in my wedding vows did it say I need to pick up the slack if my W decides to become a sl_t.

While I wouldn't have a RA, I would say to any WS whose BS did have one,

"You got EXACTLY what you deserve."

Although the last statement is a little harsh...I do agree with the rest of your post.

My religion (catholic) does not believe in divorce at all so I can't answer your question.

I thought Catholics were allowed to get civil Divorces?

Introvert,

It does seem like you keep asking the same question looking for a different answer??

This is MB and what you did is not on the recommended program, so you won't find cheerleaders here.

BUT

I can see where you're coming from. When I was the WW, my BH dated and eventually moved in with someone. We had been living apart for a year, no one had filed anything, but he wasn't cheating "on me". If he feels bad for breaking his marital vow-who knows. That is between him and his mirror.

As you can imagine, it does complicate recovery, just adds more baggage. But I do not see it has a betrayal of your WS. It is a betrayal of your vows.

As a BS, I really don't think my WS would have cared if I was humping the whole neighborhood. I didn't because I had found MB and knew that it would hinder recovery. I did get involved before the ink was dry on the divorce and that was a mistake. I wasn't in a position to make good decision.

So you did what you did, you can never say "I was always faithful", deal with recovery, live long and prosper.

JMO, not MB advice.

Wow...so the Catholic OMW in my situation has to either stay with her WH after he cheated with my W, or defy God.

THAT makes a lot of sense.

Youre entitled to your opinion Krazy and I won't call yours 'hogwash' like you did mine.

But if your willing to stoop to someone elses standard isn't that cheating yourself?

I would never let someone else determine my standard.

Civil yes. But in the eyes of the church you are still married unless annuled. Therefore, not free to date.

No, I don't see it as cheating yourself.

Well, not any more than taking your WS back after they've had a blast, while not having a blast yourself.

While the consequences of an A can be awful, you know they're a blast while they're going on, in most cases.

I feel cheated by my own morals and integrity.

You know Krazy there is really no excuse to poke fun at my religion. What do you think that says about you?

Now there's an honest answer...thank you.