Do WS's always choose affair partners that are, shall we say, inferior to their spouse?

My WW's OM is worse than me in just about every way.

Far less attractive
(Bad/crooked teeth, acne scars, big ugly tattoos, and just looks dirty)

Much lower income
(Cuts grass for a living)

No education
(High school drop out)

I am told, and have seen evidence that he is dumb as a rock.
(I am no genius, but this boy is dumb)

Suffers from an anger management problem.

From what I am told he is just a general, all around butthole and extremely controlling and manipulative.

And he is about to be locked up for child support evasion.


My W is a beautiful, smart, caring woman. Why would she choose someone that has all of my bad qualities but none of the good (her words) to have an affair with?

Is this normal for a WS?

I think this is something even a psychiatrist would have trouble determining after years of therapy.

But is it typical of an affair partner?

From what I have read on here it may be, but that could also just be the BS's point of view. My opinion of my WW's OM is going to be low, but everyone elses opinion of him (including her familly and freinds) is the same.

My wife's OM was short, fat, bald, married with children and a manipulative liar.

He just lied and bragged about his hasbeen military service.

He wasn't so big and bad when I confronted him, he was a sniveling wuss.

My W's OM is what she refers to as a "fat, trailer trash, slob". I asked her what his hobbies were, and she replied, "working on cars and drinking beer". Don't know if I should feel better about her description of him or worse...he was, however, considered a better catch than me at one point

The last "conversation" XW and I had just before she threw me out of the car went to the likes of "You're ruined and worthless now, nobody is going to want you", "Oh yeah, all you seem to be able to attract is short, fat, bald *edit*".

The look on her face to that revelation was one of a deer in headlights as she told me to get out of the car.

No it is not typical of an affair partner.

The COW in my sitch is beautiful (more than me, I am not so sure....),an amazing figure (saw her "pictures"...something I could have done without... ), professional earning $200,000.00 per year, supposedly a good mother, well respected and liked (I know of others in the industry that sing her praises... ) and well kept. Oh, her one bad thing is that she is 10 yrs. older than my WS, 9 yrs. older than me...but according to my WS that didn't matter....(rolley-eyes...)

BUT I have to remind myself that SHE can never raise to my level no matter what she does. SHE broke her vows, SHE was willing to throw HER children under the bus, SHE spread her legs willingly, SHE gave up her morals and virtue....I DID NOT.....SHE is still BENEATH ME.....I did not deserve this NO MATTER HOW "GREAT" SHE MAY HAVE BEEN....

And I can tell you that it is just as hard to deal with someone who "seems" like a good person on the outside, but the inside is just the same as if she where some kind of trailer-trash junkie with kids by multiple fathers (like some of the OW others on here are dealing with....)....

just my opinion.....

not2fun

My last H left me for a house painter who chain smokes More cigars and likes to "tie one on" with jumbo Buds. She is 10 years older than me, skinny, flatchested, wrinkly face, ugly with bleach blonde straw hair. She LOOKS LIKE a chain smoker, if you know what I mean. I was shocked when I saw her. I am attractive, curvy, educated and am a key account manager for a major US soft drink company. WE are night and day. He chose her for an affair partner because she looked up to him.

I think it is difficult to say what is "typical" since there are so many variables.

First off, if the OP is a "player" then it is irrelevent because they are just "acting" and one would assume the WS was fooled by the act.

Ramdomness plays a much bigger role in this than people probably think. Meaning, I don't think many WS pro actively plan an A and set up criteria for who they will cheat with. Proximity and familiarity probably has much to do with it. i.e. if one hangs out with a lot of low quality people, then their AP will likely be a low quality person.

If the AP knows the WS is married, then probably as a general rule you have to question their quality, since they are dating married people.

If its not a player, not just due to proximity, and the AP had no idea the WS is married, then, IMHO most people pick as partners for romantic or intimate relationships someone who they think will allow them to resolve a deep issue or run away from it.

Just as a general example if a man had an overly controlling mother, they may form a relationship with an overly controlling woman in order to try and handle that better than they did with their mother. Or, they will form a relationship with a woman who is very apathetic so as not to have to deal with that again.

I think, in general, this applies to who we marry.

When it comes to the OP, especially when they feel the M is in trouble, I think the WS generally is choosing the opposite of what they had in their M. (BTW, IMHO, this is not about looks or success, but about personality). But there are cases when the OP is very similar to the BS and I think in these cases, the WS is re-trying to either solve or run away from their issues.

So its hard to say whether what a WS chooses as an AP is inferior, but I think generally it is opposite of their BS. In these cases, and assuming that the BS is basically happy with who they are, they would most likely view the OP as inferior. Its an over simplification, but basically says "I am good, OP is opposite of me, OP is inferior."

This conclusion may be incorrect, because OP may just be opposite. But I think if you use the stories here as your "study" group, then it is probably not incorrect. I say that because most of the people here (trying to work on their M's, value honesty, their kids, willing to help other people, etc, etc.) are pretty good people, so its probably safe to conclude that the OP was inferior.

Finally, I'll caveat this by saying that I know some FWS's here are also FOP's. When I characterize OP's as low quality I do realize that this could also be someone who was making bad decisions as opposed to a "bad" person.

FWIW, I know very little about my FWW's OM. I think trying to compare is a waste of time. The A had far more to do with what the WS's made them up to be rather than what they really are.

My H chose someone 10 years younger who was flailing her over-ripe eggs at him like they were dessert! But, she was shorter and rather plain looking. I call her the dumpy red-head. I'll give her this...she has really pretty hair. But, other than that...she's CRAP!

Gollum is a couple inches shorter than Wayzilla so I guess she got someone to look up to her. His head is a little crooked like it got caught in some heavy equipment and the corrective surgery went horribly wrong. He lisps too.

He is not the father of her daughter, he never sat in an ER holding her hand, he has not bought homes or automobiles with her, he never had to survive the first “house poor” period, he did not see DD born, he did not see DD’s first basketball game or her last basketball game, he did not see any of DD’s plays or concerts, he was not at any of DD's birthday parties, he never read DD her favorite books, he did not see DD graduate high school, he was not at any of the many weddings or funerals we attended, he was not the first one there when she had a serious car accident, he was not at any of our vacations, he never watched fireworks from our rooftop, he never watched Monday Night Football every Monday night for four years with her Grandfather right up until he died, he was not one the last two people her Grandfather still recognized the day he passed, he wasn’t one of her Grandfather or Grandmother’s pallbearers, he never sat with us watching a Lake Superior sunset, he was never at our dining room table when the three of us would laugh until we cried, and he did not exchange vows of fidelity with her let alone upheld those vows.

Other than that, I guess she made a great trade up.

H picked OW who is a bit younger and very pretty. They're both very talented musically. She earns little income teaching Kindermusic and as music director at our church. Her attention made him "feel good" and she NEVER disapproved of anything he did or said. She just thought that anything he did or said was wonderful and each time he contacted her made her day! Everybody thought she was the perfect woman... kind of Stepford wife/ girlfriend?

Ike picked a girl who is 11 years younger than me and 6 years younger than himself. She is not unattractive (rather average with kind of a big nose but great teeth and pretty eyes) but the complete opposite of any female that he has ever though attractive. He tends to be attracted to voluptuous (think Marilyn) brunettes with fair skin and that have a sort of "asian" look. OW is thin, with dirty blondish red hair and he hates blondes. However, it seems as though she never really questions him about anything in his life, just lets him tell her how awesome she is while she does the same. She is in college and talks with a baby voice.

She is almost the opposite of me...it's very strange.

Don't you ever just act silly, rprynne??

thanks Not, I'll take as your way of saying hi.

OW in WH's life is a real winner on this end. 46, divorced twice, 3 children (31, 20 and 21), oh and the 20 year old had 3 children by 19. She is a crack addict with hepatitis C, and she got it by shooting heroin with one of the ex husband's. She doesn't work, brings in 145.00 in food stamps, and is a stay at home OW, my WH's home that is. I think she is on state disability, but WH didn't disclose that when facing the judge.

She smokes, drinks, gets sick alot, has migraines etc. and reports on her looks were disgusting to not understanding it at all. In fact, she was described as rode hard and put away wet.

I personally had the opportunity to meet her and that was WAY TOO MUCH a compliment. I have a horrible self esteem and think myself ugly, but OMG, I am a BEAUTY QUEEN compared to her.

Scary beyond belief.

This all comes from my ww, but I'm certain its true based on our circumstances. She says I'm 1000 times the man compared to the OM. She said he looked like sh**. He is 12 years older than my wife and I. I'm certain the "father figure" syndrome was in effect. Apparently, the bad looking people will do anything and everything to get someone over to the darkside. Thats the difference. This dude would talk to my wife on the phone for hours. Probably, praising her for her beauty. She is beautiful. The problem becomes when you are both gems, its hard to keep telling each other how great you are(looks/intelect), especially w/ all the family stuff going on. It seems an unattractive person will stop at nothing to get a gem. Thats my lesson learned from it. She tells me all the time how good looking I am. Now that I have done the same thing(REVENGE A), I see how nice it is for another woman to praise my looks all the time as well. Its not right though.

Hey honey.....yep, you and KDL were who I had in mind when I wrote that......

hows it all going??? Hmmmmmm....hopefully wonderfully well...

not2fun

LOL! I guess "here" I don't very often. I will try to work on that.

It's going ok. I am taking care of myself and plowing through the rest of my AA steps so I can move on and work on the alanon stuff next.

And you?

ok, we will give you another chance then, honey.


Well, we don't!! Can ya think of something real creative and real SILLY to say about him? c'mon!