I don't like your stepmother, and I probably wouldn't like it even if she gve me something I'd always wanted before. Just that SHE had tainted it, KWIM?

We had that problem in our families, too. We'd gotten to the point that we all had wafflemakers and such, and I wasn't even baking anymore, we were all just giving gift certificates, like to the movies or a restaurant. Appreciated, but not necessary. You know what I mean, I don't have a wafflemaker, but it was all generic stuff. It was hard trying to get thoughtful gifts for folks I didn't know well enough to get them things they actually liked. I mean, you see how hard it is just your spouse, it's no easier with folks you see less often. We stopped Holiday giving to grown-ups in my and H's familes. Outside of immediate family, we only buy for the kids, including the big kids.

But thanks for making me think, now I think the idea would have been to spend more time getting to know these folks, and get an idea of what they would've liked. My siblings are easy, late tweens early 20s, and ask for cash.

I love the hope chest idea! We never had that, but I'll look it up, it sounds fun!

My biggest gift "win" was last Christmas for my daughter. Christmas is all up to me since their mother is Jewish and has no reason to celebrate it now without me around. They have Hanukkah, but I digress... Anyway, when I asked her what she wanted, she kind of waffled and drew out her answer. "I know you're probably going to say no, but..."

I was expecting to hear the word "pony" and had my answer all ready.

Nope.

She said, "...for Christmas I was a real, live FAIRY!!!"



How the heck was I gonna pull THAT off??? I started doing a little research and it turns out that putting a fairy door on your house or in your garden has become quite popular in Europe. So I went to a local hobby store and bought a door kit for a dollhouse and spent the next several days putting it together and painting it (pink and purple - her favorite colors). I put it in a rough-hewn wooden box and wrapped it up for her. When she opened it, I explained what it was. That even though I couldn't actually get her a fairy, we could attach the special door to the side of the house next to her bedroom and maybe if we leave little treats out, a fairy would come to visit her.

The first time we did it, I waited until she fell asleep and then shook out a meandering trail of purple glitter (fairy dust ) across her room from the wall (where the door is on the other side), and led it to a little gift/trinket thing. Some chunky plastic costume jewelry I think. We now do this every few weeks and sometimes I change up the color of the glitter to make it look like different fairies come to visit. I also have to leave out something for her brother as well.

Unfortunately, their mother, not to be outdone, decided to leave stuff for the kids too, sans glitter or door. One day DD called me up and said, "Daddy! Guess what? The fairy brought me something at mommy's house. I guess we don't need a door after all."

Great.

I hate that woman sooooooo much.

Wow, that's just...grrr

Great idea, though!

Just think what that's going to tell her about her mother, though, when she's old enough to realize what happened.

Wow, Seabird, just wow. I can understand your kids' mom wanting to create the happiness for your DD during her time with her, too. And I can see how frustrating that is to you, when you went through a great deal to create this special thing for your daughter, and then your kids' mom doing it half way.

Your kids still have the real deal at your house, and that special memory. And they'll get a little "magic" at their mom's too. Doesn't sound that awful to me.

Seabird, I've mentioned before that we live in South Florida, so like most folks down here, we had no chimney on Christmas. We were told Santa just comes in the door here. We had a lot of fun, anyway. Nowadays, we hang our stockings on the staircase. But I can imagine how special for kids who get that whole Chimney experience, too.

Out daughter put in her letter to Santa a few years back that she wanted to believe Santa was real, so she wanted a photo of an elf. So I found one on the internet, printed and framed it, and she pulled it out whenever any kids dared to tell HER there was no Santa.

Seabird, that's beautiful! This is the first time since they were born that I've wished I had a girl, just so I could do that!

Although I did a similar thing a couple weeks ago, 6b and I hid some "buried treasure" in the place where 6a had made up a pirate's map. You shoulda seen his face when he tried digging one more time, and found something!

jayne - That's an awesome idea! I am going to do that for The Boy on his next b-day. His present will be a treasure map and it will lead him to some buried treasure somewhere out on the yard. Or maybe the park down the street. Hmmmm...

lol ours led to some weeds in the garden that needed digging up

I found some old looking coins and an old toy ring, and a shiny loony - Canadian dollar coin, looks like gold - to put in his treasure chest. It was all on the spur of the moment, I'm sure you can think of some really awesome stuff!

I talked to H this weekend about how I came here and you all helped me brainstorm about birthday ideas. I don't know if you remember, but he used to be very mad that I came here, and thought that it made me more unhappy, made me focus on my problems. Not realizing that I'd been thinking about nothing but my problems for years until I could come unload them and address them in a way that made me feel peaceful enough to relax again.

Anyhow, he said that was very thoughtful that I came here, and that he did like the gift. I told to him about the watch and necklace stories, because I had really learned a lot from that. It was really interesting that he had some stories like that to share, too.

Cat, that advice that your IC gave you has been so spot on for us, that when you start taking care of your own stuff, that it helps the whole family. It has been really interesting to hear about how H is thinking through this move or stay decision, where last year, it was a lot of, "I don't know, I just like it here."

Sounds like great progress. I'm happy for you.

Cat, my Mom started a hope chest for me when I turned 16. For the next two year, every Christmas and birthday I got a hope chest gift along with my other presents. I really liked it. Maybe if its presented as a "when you move out" type of thing rather than a marriage prep thing it might be better accepted.

My best friend had a Lane cedar chest that I really envied as a teenager. I thought it was a great gift to take into adulthood.

Yeah, my D17 turns 18 in September. I was planning to give it to her then. I've bought her some crystal before, will put that in there. I was thinking that it would be a perfect excuse for the two of us to spend time together every once in a while going shopping, and me buying something she really loves and having it magically appear in the chest. Or I could just buy it for her then and there. She really doesn't care much about 'things' so it will be a tough thing to figure out what she would want. It's not that she doesn't want a hope chest, she just doesn't care about material things.

I figured the hope chest for 18, don't know what for high school graduation yet, and a grand piano for college graduation. It's the only thing she's ever really wanted. I figure I've got 6 years to save up for that one!

We'll probably send her to Italy for her high school graduation. That is the only other thing she has ever asked for. H has been telling her for years that he would take her, for 15th (no money), for 16th (no money), for 17th (no money).

And look at how you're taking charge of your finances to make that dream a plan and a reality You rock, cat!

I bought Quicken a month ago, and have put off installing it, fear of what I will find! H is great with finances, and has already shown me where everything is, so I know there shouldn't be any surprises. But jayne's "trust and verify" has given me a huge sense of peace in that "cleaning out closets to the floor" and finding NO skeletons has been really good for me to reinforce to myself that I am worth the effort.

But I am excited about getting it installed, because there are some things I have always wanted to do that I hesitate to bring up, like going on a cruise as a family or as a couple, or getting a dinette set for the eat-in kitchen, because I don't have a good handle on what we can and can't afford. I would feel more secure to know, okay, I can't afford that this year, but I can afford to put away $50 a month and have enough to buy it next year. Or yes, we can afford it this year, but we're choosing to wait on an LCD TV because we see they are coming down in price. I'd like to feel confident in my opinion for POJA, making informed decisions, instead of asking H what we can and can't afford.

Yeah, I went and looked at Quicken, but I don't have the money to spare. We actually have a vacation next month, so I'm trying to put away anything spare for it. But once we're back, I'm pinching every single penny we have. I upped my savings account to $100/month as per the Dave Ramsey thing - still haven't met the $1000 fund yet, and can't proceed in it til I hit that. Anyway, lots of changes for me this year.

jayne had mentioned Dave Ramsey, too. So, the first step is getting an $1000 fund together? I have more than that in my 401k, does that count? Or does it need to be liquid?

I want to admit, I'm really nervous about H coming back at the end of next week. He talks every day about the great neighborhoods out in SoCal that he's found and the great places to rent. We are getting along so well, but for just a short time, and I'd feel a lot better waiting until next summer, to take time to see if we can make these changes stick.

H got really mad the other day when he put me on the spot and I said that. I trying to think about a calm attitude, even though I was really nervous, and I was able to stick to listen and repeat, instead of having to get off the phone. But living with an angry man again, oh, man, I am hoping we can avoid that. But moving when I don't feel secure in the changes yet doesn't seem to be a healthy option, either, especially when he's getting mad on the phone, saying that he hears that as, "I'm not happy with him." I know that everybody gets angry and mad, just I feel so pressured at those times, and am trying to separate that out into what part is the pressure he is putting on me, and what part I am putting on myself, so I can cut out that part.

Then he was mad yesterday, too, that this is his dream and he is doing all this homework visiting neighborhoods and schools to "make me happy" and I'm not appreciating it. I understand how he sees it that way, but it's not how I see it. He talks to me on the phone at my desk, and I don't feel so comfortable repeating all that, becuase it feels very personal and private, so I had to call him back later, and he was calm and was okay talking about something else. I think I need to journal more, because just typing this out I do feel more calm than I did. More confident that we can work this out as a win-win.

Let me suggest that you and your H have a huge communication disconnect. I feel that both of you are unaware of each other's needs and both are making assumptions to what the other's needs are. I actually sympathize with your H to some extent because he feels he's doing something for you and you don't appreciate it. He becomes frustrated and doesn't realize (communication problem) that he's investing his time and energies into some other than what you want.

You two need a referee.

EO - So your husband is putting much thought and work into relocating to SoCal, and he doesn't understand why you're not enthusiastic. Is that right?

Sounds a LOT like my watch story from earlier.

Dutch is right. Either a deep miscommunication or a deep misunderstanding w/re to each others' needs. Or both...

Okay, I know I'm no mind reader, but I did have a feeling he was ready for a decision, so I had to figure out and fast what I wanted to say. He just called, just now, and asked about putting a deposit on the rental that he told me about, and I told him, I am not prepared to commit to a lease. I do have an open mind about relocating; I'm not prepared to make a commitment at this moment in time. I had told him this before he booked the tickets to go out this summer, I told him in January, and mutltiple time in between, that there were things that we needed to change, specifically to have a workign POJA and Rule Of Protection in place, and have 6 months consistency with it before I could commit to moving.

He asked if coming back would change whether I have an open mind about moving right now. I said, this is a too big of a decision to me to make based on where he is located geographically at the moment. He said that he isn't coming back to the relationship we had because we were both miserable. I shared my O&H, that I think that we did make those changes before he left, and that he could count on me not to revert back. That listen and repeat is really something, because I heard the echo of what I was thinking. I can understand why he wouldn't want to come back, not knowing if I would revert back to old behavior. I asked if we could talk tonight, because I am having a hard time discussing this at my desk.

Booka, I'm glad you're here, because I think you can see things more objectively than I do in the trenches. We have a referee, an MC, but she's here. I have an IC appointment with her tomorrow, I will see if H and she would be willing to do a phone session, with me in her office.

Seabird, I can definitely see the relationship to the watch story. The difference is, I think, we've had a lot more communication. He has been telling me for a long time now that he wants to move this summer, and I told him that I do not. We went out last summer to "try it out," and I was willing to move at that time, against my better judgement. IMO it would have been a disaster, because since then he's told me many times that he wants to leave me, and I don't know if I would have been as strong to stick through that without all the support that I have here. If push came to shove, the way that it did, I probably would have got to the point where I had to come home with the kids, because it's not healthy to live with daily strife like that. I think the strife would've been far worse if we had added the pressure ofmoving on top of everything else.