this is my big concern when she keeps saying she needs to feel safe.

Be careful on limiting her visitation etc.

Exactly why I don't want to piss her off - I want custody of the children and I don't want to have to leave my home and pay her to be in it.

I sat with a lawyer last night and he suggested I take it easy and go slow for awhile. The reason being if I want the kids and she's leaving every night then it bodes well for me to show with time that I've been the primary care provider.

He did suggest that if she pulled any punches that we would hire a 3rd party to document her activities and discredit in court, should it get to that point.

As of right now, we are agreeing that we will work towards mediation; it's less expensive and neither of us wants to get dirty with the kids in the middle.

At this point I have exposed to everyone I know (her family, my family). We just moved to this area and don't really know anyone here.

I understand everyone's frustration but I have to try and be patient and play smart. I have a lot at stake - I pay 99% of the bills and own two properties plus lease our place here. I firmly believe I'm the better parent, although I have no intention of restricting her access to her children at this point.

I am also trying to drag my feet a bit so that I we don't file anything yet - there are some residency stipulations we have to work around having just moved here. I don't want a divorce and I do want to fight for my family and my M, I just want to be careful that I don't end up "another statistic".

Thanks.

Maybe it's just me, but I cannot understand how a man would let his wife leave his home every night to have sex with someone else.

This is something I cannot comprehend.

I hope YOU are documenting everything.

Keeping a journal about what is happening every day.

Yes, it's all been documented for the last eight (8) days that she leaves at 4-ish in the afternoon and doesn't return until 7am the next morning.

Good.

The problem I think most of us are having is w/ your WW coming back into your home to visit/watch the kids.

She needs to find her own place where the children can go visit her.

Are you not willing to consider hiring a babysitter? Or day care until she finds a place of her own?

She is looking for a place now, as previously mentioned. I think the problem is that this is a very expensive/affluent county, she makes no money and she has no money. I think her parents might help her get on her feet. She does reiterate that she needs to get out of the marital home (of course I know why) but when asked she doesn't have an answer when because she's looking at several "options".

We had sitter today and yes, I can have a sitter more than one day a week - but any more than that I can't really afford it.

I do want to look into a voice recorder. I also just don't know if I can spend $800-$1200 for a PI. I just don't have that money and can't afford to put it on credit.

Everyone in my family says to leave it alone and let her do her thing - but I do want to save my marriage and my family or least give one hell of an attempt.

Maybe she is who she is and I should wise-up but we have shared love (despite her saying of course she hasn't loved me for years, and staying together for the kids babble).

Ok, I understand.

Hang tough until you can get all the legal details worked out.

Once that's done then you can give her a Plan B letter and go dark until she comes to her senses or you're ready to move on.

Until then try to avoid all love busters w/ her.

And start concentrating on you.

Try to do something every day for you, and improve upon the man that you are.

Thanks MM, I really appreciate your words in this confusing and frustrating time.

I'm trying to take good care of myself - and stay away from LB's of course.

So....a couple days changes a lot in ones life.

Talking with my wife last night. We (unfortunately) start talking about the relationship of 13 years - I know LB and what-not but I just had this feeling about what she was saying.

To save all the "I said this" and "she said that", my spouse of 13 years admitted she's been involved with OM. She's 32, he's 21. She's slept with him and is very proud of it. She's using the fog MO saying she hasn't loved me, he makes her feel so great, etc.

Wow - I knew inside what was happening but it just really stings to sit across from your partner and have her look you in the eyes and say she's been sleeping with someone else.

Hurts, really sucks. I'm not as bad as I thought I'd be to be honest, mostly because I was 90% sure we was having an affair and involved with this guy. I guess it's just validation of what I knew, punctuation of what type of person she really is, etc.

So - here comes the recovery part and the healing. I am pretty sure I don't want to Plan A or B her - I just don't think I have it in me to take even the chance at getting her to change for her marriage and her children.

The thing that sucks about this entire situation is that because of her deception and her decisions to be involved with OM - everyone elses lives change. Mine, her children, her extended family - everything changes.

I'll be a single dad for two kids, she's moving out to rent a room someplace. My kids are withdrawn from her and she's doesn't seem to care that much.

True colors definately come out in these situations; she's pretty selfish at the moment and I'm so mad at her for being that way.

Wow - why can't people just say to their spouse, I'm not happy and I need to move on? Why the deception and secrecy with another person?

What's the first step now? We're most likely going to a lawyer mediator - we've agreed to almost everything in principle about who's doing what.

Thanks in advance.

So it's been about a week since an update. I thought I'd share the latest in this "aliens" muses.

My WW has been spending nearly every night away from the home (this is a good thing) and comes back to the house sometimes to watch the children. She is actively looking for someplace to l ive (again, this is a good thing). Hopefully it will be really soon as it's so uncomfortable in the house when she's around.

I have not been talking with her much. I have been cordial, even nice sometimes because I want to earn her trust before we go into mediation.

She is so unlike herself and has been for the last 5 weeks since this crap all blew up. I can't even see my old wife and friend in her - it's really sad.

My children are confused as well and I've been doing my best to lead them and assure them all will be fine.

My question is, in VA you can file divorce under adultery. Now, if I go through mediation then I save lots of money. I'm considering making this a contested divorce (despite the cost) because I don't want to share custody - I want primary with her having visitation. She's not even spending time with her kids but says "you two children are so important to me more than you'll ever know"...and then she leaves for the night to be with the OM. I want to pursue primary custody and not pay her a dime. In mediation, I think I can get all of this otherwise I'll contest it and put her in front of a judge and let her lie to him/her. She said she'd deny it if she had to go to court (after she's already admitted it to me).

Why do I allow her to come back to the home? Good question - I guess I'm willing to allow her there somedays because I don't have childcare while my kids aren't in school, and I know she's moving shortly.

The most frustrating thing is her lack of remorse, compassion or care for any crap she's dealt the last 5 weeks. I mean, she's sleeping with another man, leaving her family and she has no emotions about it? I just don't get it.

I do know the OM is moving to another state in mid-August. So there goes that influence but I'm sure she'll find someone else. I just don't want her knocking on my door, "I'm so sorry, I was wrong and I repent!".

It's hard to just see someone I've never seen in 13 years. She's unapproachable, rude and simply cold all the way around. She even had the balls to say, "the sex is good, really good".

Talk about a cheap shot. She's cut off of my finances and is swimming in her own debt. Not my problem any more.

Any advice? Some days are good, nights and darkness is really hard.

Thanks in advance!

She is a real piece of work, that wife. I hope once you are done with her, that you never fall for a cold mean woman like that again. Good going getting a divorce. Bring evidence of the affair so she cannot deny it. I would have recorded her saying how great the sex was. Hey you could still do it, get her to say it on the phone and record her saying it. Like on Law and Order....

Wow - infidelity is not a good time emotionally. I go from being confident and optimistic about my (single) future to sad as heck the next minute. It just ebbs and flows like that, all day and all night.

My WW is still in the home. She has been looking at rooms to rent for the last week and is looking at another tonight. She simply can't afford much and believe me, I'm not bailing her out. Problem is, if she can't find something within her price range she may never leave!

I'm starting to have those nasty visualizations of my WW with the OM. They come and go, but honestly when I think about it my chest gets a heat sensation. Anyone ever experience that? It's weird.

My son, who's 9 years old, doesn't really want to talk to his mom and will literally move to the other couch when she's around the home. I am trying to minimize the effects on the children but it's pretty hard to do.

When I look at my wife I just can't believe this is what she's choosing - every other time in the past when there has been an issue she's snapped out of it...this time I don't think I can forgive her for her A. It's done too much to me emotionally and I feel pretty scarred.

My therapist is great, she's very encouraging "you're a great father" and "you're doing everything right". But...when night comes after my two children go to sleep it's just me with my thoughts. I often wake up at weird hours thinking of her - even wishing she was there.

I know that I have a long road ahead of me. Part of me wants her to crash and burn and completely change her life for me and her family.

Trying to cope as best I can with my job, my kids and a 2200 sqf house that I get to clean and manage solo now.

Advice?

Yeah...2x4 coming your way!

WTF is wrong with you?

This woman has the balls to tell you that sex with her 21 year old boy toy is really good and you let her watch your kids and kiss them with that same mouth!?!?!

Please, have some sliver of dignity and lock her out!

I'm getting

Thanks iam - I see where your frustration is coming from but here's the reason why I'm not shoving her [censored] out the door...

My attorney (and therapist) have both told me because of her volatility that I should not provoke anything or make anything an issue. She's the type of individual, particularly in this freakin' fog she's in, to call the police and tell them I hit her. She's threatened it before - I don't trust her.

She's focused on getting out and I'm focused on her leaving. The home is peaceful with her not in the home.

You make a very strong point - she is rolling around with this 21 y/o and kissing my children the same day. Never looked at it quite in that manner but it's disgusting nonetheless.

I have to keep my emotions under control until she does leave - then I can change the locks and limit her visitation; I'd rather pay for a sitter than have her watch my children.

(also, she's supposed to be out this week, I can wait 4 more days)

Thanks,