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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 514
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I just installed SpectorPro Spy Software. Since we have been in recovery I periodically look at my H's computer and look at the history of websites he has been to and I look to see if he has received or sent email to OW. I never find anything and that has gone a long way in helping me feel more trusting toward him. But a few days ago I saw that he had been on reunion.com and classmates.com which we both have profiles on. These main purpose of these websites is to find out about old school friends and since OW was H's high school girlfriend it bothered me to see that he had been looking at those sites. We both used those sites around the time of our 20 year reunions but I didn't know he still looked there. So it bugged me and I told him. He got annoyed and told me that he felt like he couldn't even use his computer without upsetting me. This morning he has deleted his history of websites. I really do not think he is up to anything. But I am bothered by all this.
So I installed SpectorPro.
My question is for those of you that use SpectorPro, do you have any tips or advice on the software?
Also feel free to give me your opinions on if you think I overreacted or if his behavior sounds like a redflag?
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I think you did the right thing. Better safe than sorry. My DH has NEVER been bothered when I looked on his computer in the years after his affair. Your H's reaction concerns me.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153
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I assume it's eBlaster?
Great program! It'll do all the work for you.
Make sure you have it report to an e-mail that WS has NO access to! Might be best to create a new e-mail on Yahoo or something.
If he's doing anything you will catch him.
Some advice. Don't jump at the first thing and tell him you know. He will immediately know you have something on the PC. Build up any evidence you may need over time.
Hopefully, you wasted your money on the program!
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,288
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W and I also have computer issues. She always seems to be checking in on me and my sites that I like to go to. No networking sites or anything, but she'll check up on me. I don't mind whatsoever if she checks up on me, but she then proceeds to clear her history when she is done on the computer...that really bothers me. Bugs me so much that I discussed it with Jennifer during our last phone session. We came up (with Jennifer's help) with a solution that when someone is using the computer, and for whatever reason wants to clear history...we do it together.
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"
Henry David Thoreau
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
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But a few days ago I saw that he had been on reunion.com and classmates.com which we both have profiles on. These main purpose of these websites is to find out about old school friends and since OW was H's high school girlfriend it bothered me to see that he had been looking at those sites. I would ask him to agree to stop visiting any sights that you are not enthusiastic about him being on. Having individual accounts on web sites such as these, IMO, is something he should no longer have at all. And he should easily understand why! So I installed SpectorPro.
My question is for those of you that use SpectorPro, do you have any tips or advice on the software?
Also feel free to give me your opinions on if you think I overreacted or if his behavior sounds like a redflag? No you didn't overreact, it's good to protect yourself. This is a good program. Just remember to never tell anyone else.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Joined: Nov 2002
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You did the right thing. That is suspicious and you acted on a boundary that you created. Very healthy.
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 514
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ML, My H's reaction is what bothered me also. But then I remember the time my H looked through my checkbook to see what I was up to and I was so caught off gaurd that he knew things that I didn't think he did that I was bothered by it also.
IAM, yes I have another email that H does not know about and am having the reports sent there. Great advice about waiting and getting more info, that will be hard for me if I find anything.
Intro, That sounds like a great idea, but I don't think my H would do that right now. A year ago he would have agreed to it and a year ago I don't think he would have been upset that I didn't trust him. He seemed pretty hurt that after 15 months of working hard on our marriage that I still don't trust him and went snooping just because he was grumpy one day.
TST, the only problem with agreeing to stop visting any sights that I am not enthusiastic about is that I do not want to stop visting sites that he is not enthusiastic about. So I can't ask my H to do something that I am not willing to do in return, or can I?
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 514
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 514 |
Thanks for all the support. I was feeling a little sneaky installing it and know I am hiding a secret from my H. It just feels weird to be upset with my H for wanting a little privacy yet I want privacy also.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
TST, the only problem with agreeing to stop visting any sights that I am not enthusiastic about is that I do not want to stop visting sites that he is not enthusiastic about. So I can't ask my H to do something that I am not willing to do in return, or can I? Well, the answer is to stop going to websites that he doesn't like. You should both stop it. If you are doing something you KNOW he doesn't like, then you are harming your marriage by committing lovebusters. That is how people fall out of love. Have you read about lovebusters and the policy of joint agreement?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What if she's implying that he doesn't want her coming to this site?
BS(me) - 40
FWH - 36
6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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