What were the two or three most important lessons that you learned during your recovery with your WH?
Well, you are not in recovery YET. So, first you have to get to that point by killing her affair. The most important things I would recommend for you is:
1. Do not let your emotions rule you
2. Make a strategic plan and stick to it
3. DO NOT allow your wife to manipulate you with anger. Men fall for this one ALL TOO OFTEN. The goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all costs.
Also, how do you maintain your own self-respect when you stay with someone who strays and lies?
You don't stay with someone who does that. What we help you do is bust up the affair and bring the marriage to a point of recovery. If that does not work, Dr Harley recommends complete separation.
Having a strategic plan and goal in place will help you maintain your self respect, because instead of sitting there taking abuse, you are doing something. One man said he turned from a "SERF into a KNIGHT" when he exposed his wife's affair because by doing so, he was taking the reins of his marriage BACK. [his marriage is fully recovered, btw]
The truth is on my side. What kind of "proof" do you share with kids?
I would not suggest going into much detail. Just give them an overview that includes timelines, names, etc. And most importantly, tell them adultery is immoral and what you are doing about it. They need your moral guidance along with assurances that you are doing SOMETHING about it.
If they think you are doing nothing, many kids will step up to the plate and try to do something about it themselves. We had one 18 yr old girl who ran her own mother off! Adultery is very traumatic for kids, it is even more traumatic for them to think the betrayed parent is doing nothing about it.
So sorry you are here, DR.
